Friday, July 27, 2018



* i don't understand this commercial cos i don't shave and i'm not a man

* can every retailer please go back to the 4-minute commercial that takes its time to breathe and make room? it would make my life a whole lot easier.

* i've been there. Stephen A. Smith, dabbing your armpit grease with a damp brown paper towel from an airport bathroom, having to eat a Mr. Pretzel in the lounge waiting for your flight to ChiTown cos Jordan has announced on twitter he wants to laugh instead of cry, having that flight delayed cos Dennis Rodman rummaged through your luggage...

* bears love tubs. that's why you always see them in backyard swimming pools.

* blame the Romans for starting that tradition of peeing in the hot tub. they thought it would add to the heat. the Christians thought otherwise.

* Ariel is a hero to all of us. we don't eat with forks, we eat with our hands.

* fat guys especially love Mike's Hard Lemonade

* you know who sings this? not Sinatra, not Sinatra Jr., Brian

* OH, St. Elsewhere ending! TWEEST! this was not in the truncated 1-minute version, sneaky devils. all the world's a stage, men and women mere poor players. me so poor i can't act, and i never got past the developmental stage where i'm puking and mewling on my handmaiden nurse

* only women can make that sexy, where they squeeze their naked bodies into a small ivory tub like that, it's so Grecian fresco, shiny legs sticking out like a fan. i'm a skinny man and did that but it only came out Roman Bath.

* i do my best thinking on the toilet. and i beat the high score in Pac-Man and Donkey Kong, really this time, i didn't cheat with quarters misted with vegetable cooking spray or somehow manipulated the arcade cabinet. i'm starting to get into Fortnite...

* even Banksy in his blue trunks gets the bathroom blues...

* a clown needs a good pair of tweezers to makeup his pain.

* if you're not gonna shower, at least shave your pubes so they don't get lice

* Ariel: not slicked-back, honey, no.
man in pink shirt: but i gotta be me.
Phoenix: i gotta be me. whoever that is.

* man sniffs out of his nostrils his contact lenses...

* it's the talented blonde from SNL! missing SNL inordinately this season without any summer stopgap shows.

* puff a few sprays of your perfume into the air and run into the spray cloud careful to avoid running into the bathroom mirror or your coke glass. do NOT do this with your Old Spice pomade cos you'll be flying a Red Baron plane at the time

* man: it's the LeBron powder thing but involving my pubes.
old man: Jordan never did that. what do you call that move?
man: "Coming in L.A."

* red trunks: if i have to masking-tape my nipples to get Trent's attention i'll do it.
Trent: i'm a family man now, my woman made me see the light, all that goth stuff was so childish.
Trent's wife: so we introduced the goth lifestyle to our kids...

* blue trunks: can you do my back?
black man: the woman in the tub is still doing her legs?

* i blow-dry my pubes cos i'm bald...up there.

* okay, i was wrong, the two men squeezed in the tiny tub facing each other is the sexiest, heehee

* i don't care who you are, or if you care to admit it, but when you're alone in the shower, you pretend you're in the movie Flashdance.

* next time, move the tv in the living room to the toilet BEFORE i go. i got my dirty hands all over the video-game controllers for nothing.

* the current leader of the Tour de France, Bernie Sanders warrior-goddess, Andrew WK, and Ronaldo who recently signed a billion-dollar offer tender to sell chicken tenders at a South African KFC

* sports fan: what does it say on your chest?
other sports fan: i'm so manly my chest-hair instantly grew back over it.

* that's an '80s-movie trope, the whole spraying-your-penis thing with Binaca, urban legend, myth. just plug it up with a breath mint, THAT has been scientifically proven.

* man applying a white substance to another man's back: so i work at a deli. i was transferred.
applied man: um, not that that isn't interesting but why does my back smell? suntan lotion, right?
applier man: no, Bengay. Ben-Gay when i was young.

* product spokesman: i could put toilet paper down my pants, but why don't i cut out the middle man and put the brown toilet-paper-roll in my junk? i could do this for you, too.

* we all want Richard Simmons to come out. of his mansion i mean. come on, Milton Teagle, there's nothing to be afraid of. the world is scary but it's only gonna get scarier if you wait.

* McGregor got off easy

* i pushed down all the walls which hindered my dream of becoming an actor, a success in Hollywood, at least a writer for the CW or something. i ended up homeless...

* that one wasn't a prop. it was the actual heavy blue-beetled Grecian-stone seashell-pattern bathroom wall of that dude from Australia who was transplanted to Carmel and is the husband of that famous Southern tv chefess who's from deep Georgia or northern Alabama or somewheres, you don't know her name but she still manages to have half-a-million followers?

* Ariel: flower in my hair, waterlogged don't care.

* there's a shortage of pistachios in this country! Hershey's, get on it! fix the problem from the top!

* you know what tonight's Blood Moon means? this is the one day a year vampires are forced to be vegetarians. it's like The Purge in reverse, back to the original meaning.


happy weekend, my babies. what should i do for my soccer withdrawal? i'm on an aggressive regimen of pills, products, and pomade. the doctor says i will eventually cheer up but i won't be completely cured until four years from now

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