Monday, July 30, 2018


1. one thing that you will never do again? attend summer camp! what was i thinking all those years!? it was horrible! i didn't mind the cockroaches or the bugle horn in my ear, what i minded was that we couldn't watch tv! i'll take a cockroach-infested cot as long as i don't have to share it. i didn't mind the shorts-as-flag-up-the-flagpole thing cos i hated swimming in that dirty bog. we would gather round the campfire in the still of night and sing campfire songs, i never knew the words to any of them, it was so embarrassing when everyone would look at me to continue the round. one of the counselors broke the awkward silence with the sung lyric "turn your head now baby just spit me out". that counselor was quietly and quickly asked to leave, i could see him escorted by flamelight under cover of night. i guess he wasn't a good singer or something, didn't spit fire.

2. who knows you the best? Ed Roland from Collective Soul. he chose love.

3. do you think a relationship should be 50/50 all the time? yes. unless you're in a relationship with Barbara Walters in which case it should be 20/20.

4. when was your most recent act of kindness? was it appreciated? so i sit on my toilet every night around 3AM after my writing sessions. and invariably as i'm so tired i can barely walk and i bump into the hard corners of my faux-ivory sink, there's a little bugger there to greet me. always. a slime worm from the sewer below my house (my house is on a shaky foundation) smiles at me, hanging on by its slime, sticking to the bonzai-blue bathroom tile wall directly opposite my sightline like Spider-Man, waving its pincers at me. i have to get up, crink my back, and carry the sucker all the way to the other side of the house in the dark stepping on god-knows-what to get to the kitchen and the outside door, where i slide him off a soft napkin to the outside tile and close the door behind me. i don't flush down the toilet anymore. the next early morning, the same slime appears on his favorite spot shivering, telling me he's cold. i knit him some tiny tiny tiny scarf and mittens using only my pinkie finger, it's like delicate microsurgery, all while sitting on the toilet. it's good cos it gives me something to do. on the third night, the slime slug sticks on his favorite tile and gives me the thumbs-up with his pincers, his pincers wearing the mittens. he in turn knits me a long long long sock...

5. are you a good friend? why or why not? i should think i'd be a good friend, the best in fact. but i don't know since i don't have any. i would be the best friend cos i would know the pain of being friendless. empathy. it's like one of those eternal infinite conundrums where you're not allowed to show your talents.

6. what is something that you tried really hard to like but just couldn't? The Last Jedi. it was funny! it can't be funny, Star Wars is serious business! hey, i bet you'd thought you'd never see "serious business" in print again, huh, thought that meme was dead. now mind you i don't know if the rest of the movie is like this, i've only seen the first 15 minutes. Star Wars stream-of-consciousness. Joycean. meeting a cast of characters who are really yourself. streaming it at the theatre.

bonus: how was your month of July? did you do anything interesting, fun, new? it was all a blur. cos it was so boring. can a blur be one of boredom? a boredom blur? a boring blur? Blur is not boring, you take that back! i watched The Last Unicorn. i know, i know, this was a film you'd think i would have seen by now what with my medieval-page-reincarnation thing going on, but i've only now gotten round to it, freed up my schedule enough for it. that Butterfly is a hoot! Robert Klein was on all cylinders with that meandering performance, randoming singing songs like a drunken sailor full of desire, i pattern my life and speech pattern after The Butterfly, that's how i learn how to stay appearing functioning. Bob Klein is the next De Niro! one day i will meet my soul mate, my perfect match, my matching unicorn, who will be the last unicorn, and we shall uncorn together into a rainbow waterfall. i can already tell from the first 15 minutes that The Last Unicorn will be funny...

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