Sunday, December 23, 2018

TMIT: SECRET MAN RAY


R.I.P. to both Steves, wish you were still around to point out how this world is still wondrous. Steve Irwin was like if Paul Hogan was a cuddly teddy bear.

1. are you celebrating or have you celebrated any holidays this December 2018? i celebrated Christmas on the 1st to get it out of the way. the rest of the month i've been roasting marshmallows over my balloon-condom water heater that looks like a giant hospital latex glove with udders for fingers in my bed to keep warm.

2. describe your typical holiday celebration. watching a lot of Adult Swim Infomercials specials that they dump this time of year to ratchet up the already holiday stress. they're good but they make me extra paranoid. driving long four-hour holiday drives on abandoned country roads at night with no lights cos there's only one IHOP in Salinas. get there and they say they're all out of those Grinch mint-green pancakes. i tell them i'm angry and they say now i know how the Grinch feels...

3. now tell us how you would really like to spend your holiday season. holed up in my room under my covers watching all those '80s movies i could never watch the first time around cos i was busy getting straight-As in Catholic parochial school. Edward Scissorhands has more of an '80s aesthetic cos it's right on the dot at 1990. the Stranger Things kids don't appreciate what they got, their mom is fucking Winona Ryder! yes, THAT Winona Ryder she of the goth '90s princess who stole...our hearts when she fucked Dracula! she's a dilf…not a dad milf, a Dark milf.

4. this time of year broadcast tv is filled with Christmas movies. what is your favorite Christmas movie? the one with the funny tree, they always sneakily broadcast it when i'm on my way to IHOP so i miss it each year. Saturday at 8 on ABC, right? right. sure. i finally got around to watching It's A Wonderful Life. i started in on Love Actually before realizing pretty quickly this is not holiday fare for the entire family. though it did make me feel warm. then again, It's A Wonderful Life has nudity in it, too.

5. does your place of work do a gift exchange or secret santa? do you participate? what gift did you buy to giveaway this year? what gift did you get?

i'm a monk who lives alone in isolationist prayer atop a shady hill so my workplace is rather sparse with people. however i do have a very special relationship with the Moon. on those precious nights when the Moon comes out to play and it's a Full Moon i get all gussied up. in my dress monk's robe. my monk robe all in the color green.

it is so cool when the Moon is Full. he beams brightly down to earth like he is a giant Hollywood spotlight, you see the individual star dust of the moonbeam as it hits your porch, you really feel like an actor illuminated on stage. i dance and the Moon smiles at me. and then the Moon rains down dollar bills on my tonsured head cos he thinks i'm a stripper and i have to explain to him that it's a dance and it's night and everything but assured it's quite clean dancing.

for his part the Moon's secret santa gift to me is a razor...

BONUS: have you been naughty or nice? i've been alive. i've been human. that's the thing about life, it's not either extreme, it's both. life is always a black comedy, a tragicomedy, not one or the other but both at all times, a mixture that refuses to meld.

that's the complaint with The Shivering Truth, the goth redditors want it to be 100% unremittingly dark, they cringe at the comedy, but that's how life functions. life will always be BOTH funny and sad. we laugh cos it's our human defense-mechanism against the truth of death. (millennial goths are not the same as '80s goths...)

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

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2 comments:

Hedone said...

1. THat was a very bizarre image you put in my head.

TRUTH ==>"millennial goths are not the same as '80s goths"

Happy Holidays, Happy 2019!

-H

the late phoenix said...

hedone: it's like one of those Ren and Stimpy chicken gloves, cue music that sounds like a '50s game show featuring a new linoleum kitchen as a prize

it's easy to wheat and chaff this thing: those that like The Craft for Fairuza Balk and those that like it for the story. can't balk, need the answer now. except if you're truly goth you identify with the chaff. it becomes a wheat-and-chessboard conundrum

yes, you, too! took the words right out of my salty mouth :)