Friday, January 27, 2017



* how'd he get the answers?

* sick as a dog. these friday night writes are my favorite therapy but they come after a long week. i need a chicken soup bone.

* John: all this shaking my head?
Jamie: it's about your religion.
John: what?
Jamie: shake your head to get rid of all the crazy ideas. to make room for the scientology.

* Jamie: don't look at my ass in this '80s leotard.
John: i'm not, i'm looking at the mirror.

* Jamie: sweat on my chest in the shape of a cross. i'm clearly the leader........don't stare at my chest.

* John: this isn't cheesy to me. it's nostalgic. this is the way it was. the exercise revolution. all the moms flooding the zone in their beige station wagons and pink legwarmers after school. a brown chewed-up soccer field and long, well-lit aerobics studio on every block. running in place at the bus stop.
Jamie: even this '80s music?
John: it's not '80s music. it's just music.

* Jamie: i'm sure you're used to all this what with your Grease partner being the leading proponent and global face of the movement.
John: yeah i greased up Jane Fonda good last night.

* John: bro what's up with the cutoff tanktop? you might as well just take your shirt off.

* Jamie: the swan...the metronome...the hat tip...
John: the pelvic thrust...
Jamie: what's that?
John: sex
Jamie: i don't do sex like that

* Jamie: your little man is showing.
John: what can i say, i'm a mama's boy.

* John: i see you. okay. you're cute, too.
Jamie: that was gas.

* John: is this exercise or soft-core porn?
Jamie: all exercise is good for you.

* Jamie: class, class, gather round, i want to show you a new thing from the East. watch me as i do the downward dog.
class: that's just silly.

* John: just delocated my shoulder.
Jamie: told you to keep breathing.

* Jamie: okay class this next thing we do when we're all on our backs with pointed knees looks like we're in a cult but i assure you there will be no drinking of kool-aid here...
John: did you say Ensure?
Jamie: no, Activia.

* John: what are you saying to me? are you mouthing the song lyrics?
Jamie: no. really bad gas. even now i need some Activia.

* Jamie: you think i'm a bitch? well watch me as i get on all fours and kick you in the nuts with my dogleg.

* Jamie: the leotard's holding in front, right Producer?

* Jamie: how do you feel?
John: i'm exhausted.
Jamie: pretty good warmup. come back in five minutes and we'll start the class.

* Jamie: what paper do you work for again? is that the one with the indecipherable cartoons? i only subscribe to Kerrang!

* John: i broke the cardinal rule of journalism: i am not a journalist.

* Jamie: pretty good for a New Yorker.
John: we don't exercise in New York. there's no space for a mat. we don't lift dumbbells we punch dumbbells in the face. our meditation is when we overanalyze everything.

* Jamie: it's a date.
John: what do you want on your pizza?
Jamie: organic lettuce and soy cheese.
John: oh.

* John: why are these Los Angeles health clubs so popular with single people? what does this have to do with your inner psychology, lack of confidence, fear of settling, body-image issues, dying to be thin, and the futile striving to be perfect in an impossibly imperfect world?
Jamie: wrong scene.
John: oh.


this weekend as you watch the tennis you will feel that you've gone back in time. a tennis timewarp, a tennis time machine if you will. relax. remain in your hot tub and sip your iced T. you are in the Tennis Twilight Zone.

No comments: