Monday, February 1, 2016


my travels take me to Iowa where................wait, stop filming please. what am i doing here? what's the point of this? what's the point of any of this?

1. when was the last time you changed your windshield wipers? should they be now changed? i had windshield wipers on my eyeglasses but i don't wear glasses anymore. i had windshield wipers on my sunglasses but that made them less cool.

2. when was the last time you got your hair cut or your hair ends trimmed? this is so apropos. ever since my mom's shoulder my hair has grown two-months' worth. she got my hair did. it's all scraggly and unkempt, i look like a true artist. i purposely leave my ends split, it's a statement against conformity in a world gone mad. i'm wondering if i should shave it again or keep it monk-style. i missed all that dandruff. i have a constant reminder of winter on top of my head.

3. when was the last time you checked the HVAC filter in your home? check it now.

His Very Attuned Compassion
Hidden Virulent Airborne Contaminant
Hot Vixen And Condom
Her Vibrant, Apt Condo
Heavy Viscous Airy Chocolate
Holy Venal Atheist Contemplation

and you mustn't forget the R. refrigeration is important. without refrigeration we'd be frying our eggs on the sidewalk not only to see how hot it was. without refrigeration the milkman would be all of our fathers. and you wouldn't have


4. is your car due for an oil change? last time you had this done? never. my flying car runs on free energy, the energy of the universe. really saves on gas. did you see my ancestor on tv last week? i hated when those filthy humans shot my great grandfather but i must admit my great grandfather had a nice butt.

5. check your fun gauge. when's the last time you did something truly fun with a loved one? i'm checking my dashboard here and there's no such gauge on my car.

6. when is the last time you tried something new sexually? what was it? did you like it enough to repeat it? all holes at once. meaning four holes. our alien anatomy is slightly different from you humans. it's all part of the probing process.

bonus: how do you nourish the connection between you and your loved ones? (parent, kid, significant other, best friend) bread. and butter.



Jules said...

Have Vacuumed All Carpets and Has Visions About Cinnabons.

Never forget the Buttebrrrrrrr, my sweet. *)

the late phoenix said...

Heroic Villain Ate Cookie

you are sweet, mah dahlin, like sweet-cream butter *)