Monday, February 29, 2016


Oscars postgame learned:

* they don't call him Leap-year Leo for nothing.

* Leo's story proves that if you keep plugging away as my dad always used to say, keep struggling, pushing through, against all odds, against all memes, when everything is against you, when it's impossible, when everyone has given up, year after year, disappointment after disappointment, Heisenberg will be defeated.

* come on, humanity, we must see ourselves as one or we will perish. if rock paper scissors can do it............besides, that whole thing where paper defeats rock by covering it is ridiculous.

* i had the greatest pee afterwards. i held in that coffee for five frickin' hours.

* Leo was not middle-fingering the Academy. doesn't everyone hold their things like that?


* i love Rey's tats............Daisy Ridley's star tats on her foot.

* Stacey Dash had to dash.

* i know a real-life Mad Max scenario would be horrifying, but it would also be kinda cool.

* The Force Awakens's new marketing campaign: it's Mad Max: Fury Road in space!

* it was always the three of them, it was always that trio, as far back as you can remember, it was always the good ol' droid gang of C-3PO, R2-D2, and BB-8.

* is Andy Serkis playing Gollum, or is Gollum playing Andy Serkis?

* my hair was like The Weeknd's for the past four months...

* if Captain Planet can't do it, if Al Gore can't do it, if Cigarette Smoking Man can't do it, maybe Leo can save the planet.

* y'know my favorite part of each Oscars is when they show five-second clips of all the foreign and animated shorts and docs. they are always vastly more interesting than the major films. i always see a style of storytelling there i've never seen before. if only i had the time to actually watch all this great indie stuff.

* can't wait to see that new Ali G movie.

* Louis C.K. is everyone's sober uncle.

* Inarritu is jealous of Michael Keaton right now.

* oh, Room, not The Room...

* Saoirse like inertia

* come on, humanity. if Suge Knight and Vanilla Ice can make up...

* Priyanka just broke my twitter.

* next year go for the greatest troll of all time and broadcast the Technical Awards instead.

* what an upset! Leo won!

1. tell us your top 3 flaws and shortcomings: i'm late for dinner, i've never won an Oscar, and i secretly hate baseball.

2. who do you look up to the most professionally? Sasha Grey sexually? Sasha Grey

3. how do you like to be comforted when you're sad or upset? a) hug/acknowledge my struggle/sit quietly with me b) talk therapy/advise/uplift c) leave me the fuck alone/wallow/misery d) work out, be active to distract myself and up the endorphin and dopamine

endorphin and dopamine don't mix, it's like oil and water, oil and vinegar, sandwich and sand, coffee and beer, Hell Dust and iced-tea mix, mania and depression. you start to get into an x-and-shrooms hippie flip situation. this is the advice of my health-care professional. my health-care professional is Dr. Steve Brule.

4. which parent do you identify with the most? Sasha Grey. mom made dinner, dad and i tossed around the baseball once then he was my tennis partner. i love them both with equal passion, i can't choose, that's like asking me to decide between endorphin and dopamine. my serotonin levels are dropping...

bonus: if you had to choose one thing you were most passionate about, what would it be and why? my parents, equally. and i guess i like to write. but i can never find the time to make it good. i wish there were 48 hours in a day. i wish Steph Curry's long shots counted as 4 points. and for my last wish i wish for more wishes. yeah, that's good, that's good, this is gonna be a good story...



Jules said...

Haha! I agree the paper covering rock thing IS ridiculous.

You should never be late for dinner as someone might steal your Hell Dust. *)

Unknown said...

Your oscar recap was soooo good (I didn't get to see any of it, but I'll take your word on all of it). I gotta disagree on coffee + beer though-- are you kidding me? All the caffeine high with none of them jitters! That's what I'm all about, man.

the late phoenix said...

juli mah dahlin: yes cos scissors cuts rock cos rock is made of papier-mache, rock defeats paper cos rock is French and sophisticated and paper is just plain poor white trash paper from Murica. paper defeats scissors cos paper dunks scissors's blades in the water of the kitchen sink until scissors's screw unscrews its blades off. meanwhile paper is in the water beginning the process of turning into papier-mache, trying to get all fancy. paper was raised on the mean streets *)

zelda (love that name): thank you, very much appreciated. boffee, i hear it's big in Japan. HTMIT :)

Cheeky Minx said...

I think you should be hired to commentate the Oscars in the vein of the late, great Terry Wogan's (inebriated) Eurovision observations because "Leo middle-fingering the Academy" needs to be heard by the masses... ;-)

the late phoenix said...

cheeky: there's a lot of fucking in Hollywood but this is not of which Leo is referring ;) happy weekend :)

Cheeky Minx said...

I know. It was a play on words. :)