Wednesday, July 1, 2015


Quinny: i don't like it here.

Binny: you keep saying that. you've got to be led by affirmations in the morning. i can send you that calendar of pics of that cat that looks like Kiss hanging on the tree.

Quinny: we're working for the Man. we're aiding and abetting the enemy. we're using our precious gifts for evil.

Binny: darlin this is simply the winning team. it's like joining the Yankees. everybody who's not a Yankee thinks we're the devil but inside the Yankee clubhouse it's not that hot.

Binny peruses a sheet of newspaper writing with her glasses and then promptly rolls it up and inserts it in a hollow metal-cage tube and inserts the tube into a hole which promptly air-pressurizes suctions it away to the maze of tubes on the ceiling way way way above.

Quinny: that ain't right.

Binny: i know, i keep telling him that nobody reads newspapers anymore, but he wants to be thorough. doesn't this remind you of when we worked at Costco?

Quinny: i am actually longing to return to our days toiling away inside a cavernous emporium that was for all intents and purposes a giant roasting furnace in the middle of the desert where there was no help and we had to lug around all those damn tvs. i purposely packed the tv in with the cantaloupes in one plastic bag, i wanted to see them smashed.

Binny: i always had hot dog duty. there was never anyone else manning the hot dog station. there was never any help. i red-light-gunned the tv and then the cantaloupe and then i had to leave to make some skeevy guy his hot dog with everything but relish. and then i was also on that duty where you had to check people's carts on the way out, check their long-ass receipts to make sure it all matched up and they weren't stealing anything. i honestly couldn't care less if they did.

Quinny: yep, i always perused those receipts while keeping one eye on Todd to see if that skank would try again. honey we are not meant for work, we are meant to work at home, bossless and free. we are thinkers not doers.

Binny: putting things in holes is easy, you're already a pro at it. it's good exercise, think of these tubes as those two-pound weights you used to lift when you first met Todd, well noticed Todd. it's better here, we're part of a real brotherhood this time, working toward something that matters, something bigger than ourselves. everyone must not just think their part.

Quinny: bigger isn't always better.

Binny: quick, get back to your station, we can't be seen to be fraternizing with fellow comrades.

a couple of comrade girls in comrade uniforms pass by, big girls.

girls: strengthening the union?

Binny: always. this decision isn't just good for this group or that group, this will strengthen the entire country. and soon the world.

the girls notice Quinny and put their hands up.

girls: we don't want no trouble, maam, please don't punch us in the mouf.

Quinny: psst, what decision?

Binny: wait......................................okay they're gone. Codrus the Clever has just announced that this section will be in charge of retyping all wikipedia articles. it's just like last time we worked at wikipedia...

Quinny: except it's not, it's completely different, right? what do we have to do now?

Binny: i'll show you on my screen. well come on over, i won't bite, you have to learn this. don't worry, it's not like they're cameras everywhere. see? we are in charge of memorizing the words of every page on wikipedia until we have a grasp of all knowledge. along the way we are to make changes to any sentence that doesn't quite tell the truth, subtle things like tone and footnoting credit up to where credit is really due. we are the updaters. exciting!

Quinny: i did most of this stuff the first time. i've read these pages, they all seem familiar. yes, yes, i know that one, i know more about Cookie Monster than i have ever cared to.

Binny: he can eat anything, that's why he's so appealing. ah, but i'm thinking you missed something on the first pass. see up at the top of the page, one block to the right where it says TALK in blue?

Quinny: no, i never noticed that before, never on any wiki page i ever read, it's so small and insignificant.

Binny: oh my friend, welcome to the brave new world. if you click on TALK, you'll get to the back page of the wiki article where all the notes are, all the concerns our fellow comrades have ever had about the article---sources, point-of-view, lies, deciding which picture to use---all the way back to 1984 or something, yeah i believe i read a paragraph on there once dated 1984. well our leader wants us to read all of that stuff, too, only then are you finished with the article.


although the area is cavernous, no one can actually hear you scream in this place, special bouncy rubber or glue walls or something.

Binny: keep it down, the girls will be back.

Quinny: nah, nobody actually cares. the patrol has to eat, too. hear that?


Quinny: what happened? lunch is over already?! it is, it's 1! did i even eat? i don't remember eating anything. it's just like fucking Costco. what did you have, dear?

Binny: dunno but i seem to be stuffed. that music put me in a trance. oh yes, i'm tasting my aftertaste now, it seems it was hot dogs, roasted to perfection.

Quinny: i'm tasting hot dogs too, they taste like room temperature. hey what is this on top of the TALK page?

Binny: oh those are the wikiportals.

Quinny: i'm afraid to ask but i'm more afraid not to know.

Binny: yeah see the Cookie Monster page has a couple of yellow boxes for categories that it fits in, the children's television category and the specialized Sesame Street category. if you click on Sesame Street here you get sent to the Sesame Street Portal of wiki............................................he wants you to memorize that, too, not complete until it's all done.

Quinny: NNNNNNooooooooononononononononon.................. *sigh* i get it, though, a tyrant must be thorough or he or she doesn't get past day one, his or her butler who of course is a double agent kills him or her in his or her sleep. as if it hasn't been drilled into me enough from all the spam i read, i'm never clicking on an unnecessary link on the side of a page again, no matter how shiny it seems or hidden it is.


the tyrant's current mood: not so tyranty

the air spills voraciously out of Codrus's first tank and he is in a bad way underwater with only a just-met apprentice at hand. Codrus is spinning out of control, literally. he still clutches his whiteboard for dear life, though, it's his only means of communication, it might record his last words, it's his samsung at the moment.

Codrus (writing): these are my dying words: Yayray, i'm hiring you sight unseen like what Picard did with Riker. you are my first second-in-command. you must take over the cause once i'm gone, if not i'm really gonna have a sucky death. death isn't the end unless you take my life's work and eat it like so much pure applesauce. eat it instead like the Beige Stones they are! please! grant an old-soul man his final wish!

Yayray: Omar Little killed by a little kid, Palpatine bested by teddy bears, but no, sir, not today, the great Codrus will not be felled by Finding Nemo.

Yayray has been chewing on the remnants of a rock he ate a while ago, small crunchy bits still line his gums like tobacco. he sees clearly now, it's a stone in his mouth now, he is stoned. he can spot a bacteria on a piece of flaky swishy orange and black coral oculina, he can see the nostrils of that bacteria, inside the body, he sees the bacteria's aura and chakra lines flowing. he raises his hand and it's as if there is no intrusive water in the way slowing everything down, that heavy blanket is lifted. before his new master is sucked down a huge black hole's tornadic whirlpool vortex to the bottom of the ocean, the real rock bottom, Yayray inserts Codrus into a yellow air bubble like it ain't no thang but a chicken wang being enjoyed at a ballpark on a sunny day, a twinight doubleheader rescheduled after a deluge of unusual rains.

Codrus gasps (and the audience gasps). is this it? no, he makes it just in time, Codrus's life is saved and life of Codrus continues.

Codrus looks at his hand. the lines on it are getting shorter. no, his hand is getting smaller.

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