TMIT: THE BUTLER DID IT

learned postgame:

* WINNER: Charlotte McKinney's cantaloupes. i've tried that all-natural burger. there are no steroids in it, i can attest to this cos i didn't turn into a ballplayer upon eating it. i know for a fact that it's grass-fed cos it tasted just like grass.

* gonna have this weird legacy if the report comes back that the Patriots did indeed cheat. it's like you can't take away the win cos they won but they didn't win or they weren't supposed to be there but they did win once they were there, so what does it all mean? crazy enough not to believe but just believable enough to think the Patriots would given their track record. forever messy and gridlocked. it's like burger steroids in baseball. it's like Congress.

* i like that the ads went dark this year, they were searching, gloomy, and existential about life. Coke can get rid of online hate, believe me, take some coke and you'll see the world differently.

* Katy Perry rides up upon her giant pussy...

* Katy Perry: three words: MISSY AWESOMESAUCE ELLIOTT! where has she been?! have i been under an MMORPG rock or what. i missed Missy terribly, she always had the most creative beats, i mean "Lose Control" infected me with the funk back in the day and mama, i don't want no cure. she's in that exclusive league with Bjork and Trent and Dre for true geniuses with the beat. don't let them beat you down, Missy, produce those new juicy jams forever!

* Katy Perry: when you're grindin' on Lenny one minute and then there's a shark and beach balls where Lenny and his open-shirt muscles used to be.

* Katy Perry: i see ya workin', girl, beach balls=Deflategate, shark dancers=Land Shark, big live 40th-anniversary SNL special this month, the The More You Know Star=keepin' it all NBC all the time, John Mayer=still can't beat his internet addiction.

* God was all like, "i gave them the Tyree catch cos no one is perfect but Me, but i let them have this one cos it benefits the entire world to see Tom Brady jumping up and down like a little kid. it is a kid's game after all."

* that fight at the end was cathartic for me. you, too? yeah, i was able to get out all of my life frustrations through it. nothing was damaged, i was able to verbalize a few things at my tv screen that had been trapped in my subconscious since birth and had a pleasant, calmer rest of the evening because of it. thank you.

* BEST: definitely Katie and Bryant in '94, glorious glorious '94, where @ is mistaken for about or the enclosed A anarchy symbol or something and the internet is still mysterious and cool. before the hateful Pepsi-drinkin' trolls took over. can Katie Couric twerk? see above.

* MOST LIKE HEAVEN: Pac-Man IRL somehow being tied with beer. this is sobering, the pellets are the drug and the strong, compulsive desire to eat every last one is addiction. the bigger pellets are vitamins and the fruit is healthy fruit for your body. you are literally and figuratively chasing your ghosts, your past, your demons, your irreparable mistakes. though i have to say if i was in a drunken stupor where i was in the Pac-Man world in real life, i'd tell the cop as i slurred my words to scoot me over to the sidewalk so i don't hurt anyone and no one hurts me and let me have my stupor for five more minutes...

* watch out, NFL, next year the Seahawks are gonna go all Spurs on the league till they get their ring back.

* the dead kid didn't bother me, in fact it was quite poignant and brutal, got the message across with finality. as long as in the next ad, the kid doesn't start saying, "i see dead people."

1. when did you last give or get flowers? what was the occasion? CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

2. when was the last time you had a long passionate kiss? whom did you kiss? during the Super Bowl. i missed the commercials for it but it was worth it. i kissed myself. in the mirror. what can i say? i'm a fan of the ballplayer Alex Rodriguez.

3. you've been given $100 for no reason at all. what do you do with it? spend it or save it or spend it? if you spend it, on what? i spend it to buy hidden information on what the reason was. the real reason, not what the media says. what can i say? i'm a fan of Deep Throat, both of them.

4. what is your most irritating habit? the one i wear when they rest of the fellas at the monastery and i pull a prank at the nuns' place before the big monk-nun game. it's like our Super Bowl. it's not panties or anything, we spike their punch with our altar grape juice, harmless stuff, no one gets hurt, all in fun. it's irritating cos it's too tight around my head, cuts off my circulation.

5. if you had a day off alone, and could do whatever you wanted, what would you do? all of my days have been alone, my whole life has been alone, silently masturbating, so i'd like for once a day where i could masturbate with someone...

bonus: ever had sex at work? where? closet, stairway, office, boardroom? do you regret the encounter? i write on a table. i had sex with my friend on that table once. it was so hot and heavy it left a permanent aura on the table, the table was literally imprinted with our cum. i could never type seriously on it again, though on that table i was killin' it with the Fifty Shades fanfictions, i was cranking those out left and right.

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY.

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