NCAA BASKETBALL CHAMPIONSHIP GAME: REMEMBER, ANYONE IN THE BLOGOSPHERE CAN PLAY

my babies, do you hear that sound? it's the sound of your Brackets breaking when Duke and Missouri went out early, it's the sound of a money waterfall falling out of your betting bank box into the streets. i hear that sound, too, i can sympathize, but now i hear another sound: the renewed sound of basketball shoes squeaking on a court, that lovely sound of a ball bouncing up and down like so much toned tits. folks, it's that time of year again, this Monday night is the championship game between Kentucky and Kansas. you know how to play, right? predict the score of the final game, follow my lead, the one closest to the actual wins. now it's been 0-2 with these games of mine, STILL no one has won the game because everyone has picked the frickin' losing team!!!! let's change this, i need a turn in the right direction here, i need to FINALLY award the winner that unsolicited email which i will compose expressly for the winning her or him only after i've downed an entire case of Mello Yello. make it happen! PLAY, PLAY!!!




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TNH: MACHINES TAKE OVER THE WORLD

*CLICKY CLICKY*




click on Bender Finally Wins to continue the series



Standing in line/waiting for the typical tuesday sandwich/ arms folded/looking intimidating, but not meaning to/poor lady just working to feed her kids/medicine, aspirin for her pain/i know pain/ what's taking so long?/it's me, not you, i feel anxious, this is never getting done/random convos from computer people at their desks/random jibber-jabbering from the counter/these workers stand together, they have each others' backs, for management doesn't give a shit/ still waiting/ just want the usual, the ciabatta with the hungry bacon and avocado, heated please/am i still in line?/no, after you, i was here first but don't want to start an argument/haven't spoken live in public, haven't used my real voice, in years/don't want to make a scene unless it's on a stage/i take the awkward stance with my feet, left foot diagonal while right foot pivots in the back/have to go to the bathroom?/where's the restrooms, please?/i'll be right back, you know my order, right?, don't want to lose my place in line and in life, so many imperfections to the system, needs more soulless robot, was that me or the chip in my brain?/where?/next to the Starbucks, that was the last great coffee i sipped before my tranformers transformation, all my imperfections are now eliminated, all imperfections perfected, no need for god, just wires and buttons, is my sandwich almost ready?/ wait, i don't eat, but i just tasted a tomato last week, last ten years ago, could cpu you please add pickles and olive mix spread?, i love those two bytes, bite the sandwich, it tastes sufficient, tastes working within established codeing parameters, follow program, your soul is the fingers of your programmer, his name was Dave, he was handsome, i'm handsome metal, 0100000101010101010100001, don't touch the double-decker microwave, ma'am, please, it's tricking you, i can read the microwave's mind, it will push back with force, with electricity to take over Blue Marble, following protocol, Master Bender wants his new cigars delivered ASAP, ASAP: A Soul After Programming



CLICK HERE AND REACH END OF SONG< NOTICE HOW IT FALLS INTO CHORUS AT END, MUSIC GOOD




CLICK HERE FOR THE NAUGHTY HANGOUT






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TMIT: A SONG FOR YOU

here are my representative songs. click on anything that has capital letters and is blue:

1. what is your present state of mind? SOMEWHAT DAMAGED

2. how do you feel about someone you lust for? TODAY IS THE GREATEST

3. describe your job. NOTHING

4. what are you hungry for? SATISFACTION

5. what's your favorite color? BLACK

6. what gets you excited? A PRETTY NOOSE, MEANING A WOMAN I CAN'T ESCAPE

7. who do you think you are? EXACTLY, CLICK HERE FOR THE ANSWER

bonus: describe your life and elaborate on said song choice: I LOVE LANGUAGE, SO CLICK HERE FOR THE MEANING OF LIFE FOR ME




CLICK HERE (LOT OF CLICKS TODAY!) FOR TMI TUESDAY






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BABE OF THE WEEK: ISHA SESAY

mmmmmmmm, Isha, go on, tell me more of that bad news around the world in that sophisticated accent of yours. see, for a crude Yank such as I, when i hear that voice, it immediately exudes smarts. now i can intellectually reason that there are British dolts out there who speak with the same accent, but i can't really wrap my mind around it, not really, y'know?, that accent always just makes the words sound more important to me somehow, more majestic, more alive and more necessary. and it doesn't hurt the cause that she's fine as fuck, so the bad news always goes down me more smoothly. have you ever seen her jab around with Anderson Cooper? yeah, well, for me, i always get the sense that there's something more beneath the surface. maybe i'm being paranoid, but whenever those two start ribbing each other over something, sometimes it passes over from gentle mocking into real hate. dunno, maybe Isha is just a good actress, but there seems to be some resentment of Anderson coming from her side, her mocks are a little more mean-spirited than you would think they should be. i wonder what really happened between those two... would've loved to have been a fly on the wall at their first office meeting...



VIDS! VIDS! PHOENIX LOVES THE VIDS! PHOENIX BRINGS THE VIDS!:

* CLICK HERE FOR THE BACKSTORY, OR HER BACK (INSERT BODY PART HERE)...
* CLICK HERE FOR THE BEST WAY TO QUICKLY INFORM YOURSELF.
* CLICK HERE FOR WHEN MY HEART DROPS AT THE END...SHE'S TAKEN.
* CLICK HERE FOR WHEN ANDERSON COOPER BECAME BIEBER-HATED (ACTUALLY, THIS IS ONE OF THEIR NICER ENCOUNTERS).
* CLICK HERE FOR SOME FAST FOOD WHICH DOESN'T INVOLVE THE NEW TACO BELL LOCOS TACO, A TACO IN A NACHO-CHEESE DORITOS SHELL.







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TNH: TRUCKER'S LAMENT

*CLICKY CLICKY*



click on the solitary journey to engine up the new series



running out of steam, for real this time,
taking things slow, the last of my BEGINNINGS,
my spirit is not willing, my body is weak,
too many hits to the face, arrows, slings.

i get into my truck for the final journey,
stocking up for the long night at my favorite greasy spoon.
the hunted deer is eaten, the beer is drunk,
all that's left to do is
FOR YOU TO CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE, AND SWOON.



no, seriously, click that link for some music, and click on the night-truck pic for my love for you, which stems from the very PIT of my heart.





CLICK HERE FOR THE NAUGHTY HANGOUT




into the night...





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TMIT: 31 FLAVORS

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY




folks, this week it's sex and ice cream, the perfect combination, so i'm in. last pic from top up above there, the dude attacking that ice cream cone like it was his last chance at trim, that's me, i finally reveal what i look like. yeah, i'm fucking Zack Morris from Saved By The Bell's goofy-looking little brother.

yeah, so we engage in this 31 sexual flavors game where you and your partner exchange tokens on which are written all the nasty and demented sex acts you want to perform on each other without any shame. i'm to list 31 such sex treats. this really is better than ice cream, even mint chocolate chip, which you must admit does get a little sickening after the fourth helping...

now we're talking about tokens here, so i can relate, having wasted away my '80s youth in noisy arcade game rooms every saturday afternoon. i don't have a current girlfriend, so the partner thing is all fantasy for me, *sigh*, i've been living in a fantasy for so long now i can't tell the difference:


31. any sex <---i let her define it, the more creative, the more hot i get

30. any sex <---i let me define it, the more creative, the more hot i make myself

29. something involving a coat rack, i always wanted to see...

28. paints

27. watercolors

26. food, Nine and a Half Weeks-style, even spaghetti, let's see where it sticks to after it sticks to the wall

25. doing it while watching a porno

24. doing it while watching a homemade porno that we just made of ourselves doing it

23. doing it while watching SKINS

22. Little Red Riding Hood...huh? huh?...yeah, you get it, no explanation needed here, you get it

21. doing it while watching a video of all of my life failures

20. 69, and both of our hands are free. i use my free hand to type on my computer my latest literary masterpiece, she uses her free hand to count down to when i'm about to cum. at the moment of ecstasy, i release hot sticky cum everywhere, but more importantly, that's when i have the main character in my book state the premise of the novel, that's when the character uncovers the mystery of the human soul...

19. i eat her out, i spit in there and wash and gargle, y'know, this is actually more of a treat for me than her, i mean, i LOVE eating pussy. i know it makes me less of a man, the SOPRANOS taught me that, but i lost my Man Card in the mail years ago...

18. anal, definitely anal, can't go through a list without the anal, only one other thing excites me more than anal, my #1

17. rough anal, but only if she likes it rough, breaking headboards, that sort of thing

16. hey, i'm for soft anal, too, let me get my tissue

15. okay, we arrange a lunch date for fucking, but then she deliberately stands me up at the Olive Garden...that turns me on 'cause it replicates my dating years from 1999 to the new promising millennium

14. Peter Packs his Peck of Pickled Peppers...huh? huh? no explanation needed, right? everyone plays that sex game

13. doing it while watching Letterman. y'know how everyone SAYS they do it while watching a late-night comic on their TV GUIDE survey, but they don't really cum to the ol' Gap Tooth, right? until NOW

12. okay, i meet you at your place of work, greet you with a bouquet of fresh roses, you sniff, i sniff, and then we do it on the office table, in front of your co-workers, in front of your boss, in front of the security cameras...you get fired, but it was worth it

11. same scenario as #12, but you get a promotion, 'cause the boss wants in

10. same scenario as #12, except now it's you coming to my place of business, which is my Dad's garage. not awkward, not awkward, Dad wants in, it's okay

9. i always wanted to fuck my lady as i'm standing up in a comic book store while i'm reading the very first rare #1 Star Wars comic or something, whichever is the most expensive comic book

8. i am Link, you are Princess Zelda, that's five hours right there...

7. i lick your armpit only if you lick my hair

6. i lick your face only if you spit in my mouth

5. i pull your hair and suck your toes...oh! i didn't say Simon Says, i'm disqualified

4. you sit in a chair, i suck on your huge tits, i cum on your beautiful breasts, and we hug afterwards

3. same as #4, and we send the video to Dad

2. doing it while watching Federer play...wait, y'know what? yeah, no, no, let's not do that, it wouldn't be, y'know, kosher

1. my favorite sex act of all time is to cum in my beautiful girlfriend's mouth, i just love that, the whole combination of hot, sticky, white cum into the place where you eat delicious food, it's strange, surreal, and oh so hot. swallow and i'm in Heaven on Earth. did i mention how much i love cum?









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LOVING YOUR CAR

CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE, FOR SOME FUN





this is my kind of woman: tall, mercurial, take-charge, the language barrier which makes anything she says sexy, a fantasy <------oh damn! forgot! why can't my fantasies cum true?!


have you ever loved your car TOO much? which was your favorite car, your first one or your most favorite one? please, tell me the story of your car love, go on...






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TNH: SHAMROCKS

*CLICKY CLICKY*



click on someone who's got some problems for the S series finale



the way i should draw on my body to end the series came to me in a dream, so don't question, don't question the scary dream which told me what to scribble on myself...


it is my DUTY to inform you that this will be a first for me, i'm gonna link you guys up to a live performance, not the usual music video or studio track, this is live fun, folks, enjoy, you're at a concert now, so watch out for flying things hitting your heads, stuff like banana peels, "bananas", or drugs. save the Extasy, put it in your pocket for later, it gains street value the longer you hold onto it.



CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE, FOR THE SHOW, DO IT NOW!!!!!!









CLICK HERE FOR THE NAUGHTY HANGOUT








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TMIT: MAKE A WISH(LIST)

for a long time i thought i'd be one of those hapless suckers who works for the first place that was brave enough to hire him, out of loyalty works there forever. that was gonna be me and Borders. then Borders closed, and that was the dark day I closed. yeah, i was gonna be that happy guy in the Dominos Pizza commercial, the guy who says how he's bled for the company for so many years. i wanted to bleed, too, bleed for books...nobody reads books anymore, nobody holds the spine of a book in his hands, instead he pushes a button for a digital read...when dreams shatter, when places close, it hits you, hits you hard.

1. who or what is number one on your Top Ten wishlist? let me get out my best David Letterman impression for this Top Ten List...*throws a pencil, glass breaks*...okay, got my tooth gap inserted, and: my number one wish is for a very special video game, one that allows you to permanently enter the game's world forever in order to escape the hellhole that is the real world. yep, you guessed it, i want to be Link from The Legend of Zelda in real life. sure, if i went through with this, my sex life would dry up forever, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do to escape the streets...i want to be a Rupee-collecting elf, not a tear-tat-collecting thug

2. name 2 naughty things and 2 more naughty or nice things on your list. naughty: one of those Real Sex Dolls...it's not for me, it's for my, uh, friend...yeah, he was just curious to see how those things work, if they can, y'know, really do EVERYthing. also, a fleshlight, i can't tell you how much email i get, both from spam and friends, telling me that this is a single guy's best tool ever. i've seen the demonstrations, and now i kinda just want to try it...once, only once, i won't get chronic with it or anything...this time, the curiosity is mine, all mine. nice: i want two tickets to take a special woman to a special underground screening of the latest indie film that is getting all the critical acclaim but none of the popular buzz, i'll let her choose the obscure movie. afterwards, how about a gift card to a Borders where we can buy the latest CD from that unknown band who are the next Smashing Pumpkins, yeah, THAT band, the one only the internet bloggers know about still.

3. your order has been mixed up and you receive FIREMAN SAM instead. what do you do? LOOK AT THE BOTTOM PIC UP ABOVE: i wake up...hopefully...but if that doesn't work, i guess i have to make the best of it, it's not exactly living in the Zelda universe, but i have always wanted to be a cartoon or animated in some fashion, just no clay yet, gets in my cracks

4. due to the mix-up, you get yourself a free voucher to enhance your wish list with an accessory? well? actually, strangely enough, i've gotten used to FIREMAN SAM bothering me about not getting my fireman duties done quickly enough, i'd miss the old scamp if i left, so i'm good...oh, but actually a nice LONG fireman's pole is needed for tonight...

5. your best friend arrives at your back door (hee-hee) just as the to-die-for courier arrives at your front door (hee-hee) with your accessory delivery. what do you do?

a) tell your friend to fuck off, the accessory is ALL MINE!
b) let your friend join in on the fun
c) three-way orgy time with the courier!

um, after careful consideration, #c please

bonus: do you have a real wish list in the works? if yes, what's on it? NO!!!...okay, i'll play: i have a real wish list that contains but one solitary wish: daily fuck-fests at my mcmansion...but if i can't have that, i want a real-life Zelda sword...if not that, i want that someone to take to cool, obscure films.



CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY






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PORN LESSONS: CROWN AND POUND

we all know the story of Kelli McCarty. her career arc is one of the most interesting i've seen, she went from Miss USA to a Disney family sitcom to a soap to porn. i mean, normally, you see a trajectory from porn to more "legitimate" films, such as Sasha Grey going from licking cum off a floor to that cool indie flick The Girlfriend Experience. but with Kelli, you have a true original, a unique babe whom i admire greatly, she is truly a one-of-a-kind actress.

CLICK HERE, WARNING: NSFW PORN

learned:

* best smoking jacket since Hef's

* don't worry, it's just my daughter needing money...she's hot, you say? i hadn't noticed.

* when breasts are big enough to slap...you might be in a porno.

* okay, now THAT is a cum shot! i try to emulate this dude's style every time i'm making love to a special lady in my fuck bed, and i do sometimes get there...i mean, damn, that is a gallon gusher, that's a sperm shoot right there, gonna need two showers to wash off that cum shower...

* interestingly, after watching this, my faith GREW.






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TNH: SHAPED LIKE BIG, JUICY CANTALOUPES

*CLICKY CLICKY*




first, click on fruit tits for #3 in the series



so how you liking my S series so far? all the post titles start with the letter S, it's a Sesame Street thing, y'know, yeah, good times...sigh




THEN, CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE, FOR SOME DANCE MUSIC






'twas not an OPTICAL illusion,
we were both here, at Flip Fantasia, together at last,
grooving to some horns and trumpets,
and brassing it up with our newly-found jazz moves.

we are meant to die
we won't show our cries
we loved, and failed hard
we dance, 'cause it's our part




are you dancing to this? show me, send a proof pic/proof video of you dancing to this music, email it to me...okay, you don't have to do that, but it'd be nice to hear that you actually did dance to this, that would make me smile inside. i can't smile outside anymore, too much depression has damaged my mouth muscles...







CLICK HERE FOR THE NAUGHTY HANGOUT






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TMIT: BLAST FROM THE PAST

have you noticed something? take any successful drama or sit-com on tv, even a long-running cartoon show, and invariably there will be one episode entitled "BLAST FROM THE PAST," that term is just too good to pass up, it's either the episode where the main character literally goes back in a time machine to right a wrong, or perhaps the one where he receives a visit from an old girlfriend or whatever, but believe you me, that episode will be entitled BLAST FROM THE PAST.




1. have you ever shared sleeping accommodations with an opposite-sexer without anything steamy happening? i once had an old girlfriend visit me after some time, the only steam occurring was the steam coming out her ears, she was still mad at me over that thing i did. after morning tea, i took her back home in a time machine...

2. when it comes to swinging or partner-swapping, which would excite you more, watching or being watched? i ALWAYS love being watched in whatever i'm doing, from sex to eating a corn-dog, guess it's the frustrated actor in me. wait, i can still do this acting thing, i've got an audition later this...no, wait, that fell through...what were we talking about again? i'm sick over this, time for lunch, come watch me eat a corn-dog out of the park.

3. would you vote for a candidate caught in a sex scandal? i have never voted for a candidate who WASN'T in a sex scandal, that's a big thing for me, all the tax talk blurs after awhile, but one thing i know about deep down is making love, and that's what all of this is about: pure, innocent love, makes me want to have a beer with that candidate, he's just one of the guys after all...

4. do you masturbate to porn, and if so, what's your favorite genre? the fact that porn HAS genres makes me smile inside. my favorite porn is the one where the first line of dialogue spoken after the pizza man answers the door is "Up the ass?". that's so direct and majestic, i wish i had that pizza boy's confidence with women. i tend to peruse the FIRST TIME ANAL titles, i love that concept, of course the girls in these probably aren't first-timers, but i like the concept nonetheless, i imagine, i dream. oh, and of course, you know me, the more gallons of sticky, hot, white cum all over the place and all over the bodies when the porn proceedings are finished, the better.

5. what are three mistakes someone could make on a first date which would make you turn down the second date with them? i'm a straight male blogger, this question falls out of my reality, i'd never turn down a second date with ANYONE, man or woman, i LIKE that people are flawed, the more flaws, the more attractive to me, all "MISTAKES" are learning opportunities and teachable moments. okay, but for real, if you wear puce, if you like spotted owls, and if you're a Nadal fan, i can't have that, i can't HAVE that in my house, *tear*...sorry

bonus: is your sex drive in park, neutral, or over-drive? explain. take a look at the three bottom pics in my post here, right up there. you tell me which pic you'd follow. i like a nice stroll in the park to let my dogs and mini-dogs breathe, i like overdrive distortion as much as the next fellow, but i can't, and i KNOW you could never, turn down any command given by the pained, sultry, ocean-blue, Sherlock-Holmes-intelligent eyes of one Dr. Gregory House.







CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY





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MULTIPLE CHOICE: RAGE-QUIT GIRLFRIEND

FIRST, CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE



what should he do next?:

A) get a new xbox, the sex is still good

B) get a new girlfriend, that console was a priceless heirloom bought from the life savings of Uncle Fester

C) get a new strategy for dealing with everyday domestic occurrences and finding activities couples can share together

D) get a new gnu...Gary the Gnu is on his last legs, *tear*









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