Monday, March 12, 2012


for a long time i thought i'd be one of those hapless suckers who works for the first place that was brave enough to hire him, out of loyalty works there forever. that was gonna be me and Borders. then Borders closed, and that was the dark day I closed. yeah, i was gonna be that happy guy in the Dominos Pizza commercial, the guy who says how he's bled for the company for so many years. i wanted to bleed, too, bleed for books...nobody reads books anymore, nobody holds the spine of a book in his hands, instead he pushes a button for a digital read...when dreams shatter, when places close, it hits you, hits you hard.

1. who or what is number one on your Top Ten wishlist? let me get out my best David Letterman impression for this Top Ten List...*throws a pencil, glass breaks*...okay, got my tooth gap inserted, and: my number one wish is for a very special video game, one that allows you to permanently enter the game's world forever in order to escape the hellhole that is the real world. yep, you guessed it, i want to be Link from The Legend of Zelda in real life. sure, if i went through with this, my sex life would dry up forever, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do to escape the streets...i want to be a Rupee-collecting elf, not a tear-tat-collecting thug

2. name 2 naughty things and 2 more naughty or nice things on your list. naughty: one of those Real Sex's not for me, it's for my, uh, friend...yeah, he was just curious to see how those things work, if they can, y'know, really do EVERYthing. also, a fleshlight, i can't tell you how much email i get, both from spam and friends, telling me that this is a single guy's best tool ever. i've seen the demonstrations, and now i kinda just want to try it...once, only once, i won't get chronic with it or anything...this time, the curiosity is mine, all mine. nice: i want two tickets to take a special woman to a special underground screening of the latest indie film that is getting all the critical acclaim but none of the popular buzz, i'll let her choose the obscure movie. afterwards, how about a gift card to a Borders where we can buy the latest CD from that unknown band who are the next Smashing Pumpkins, yeah, THAT band, the one only the internet bloggers know about still.

3. your order has been mixed up and you receive FIREMAN SAM instead. what do you do? LOOK AT THE BOTTOM PIC UP ABOVE: i wake up...hopefully...but if that doesn't work, i guess i have to make the best of it, it's not exactly living in the Zelda universe, but i have always wanted to be a cartoon or animated in some fashion, just no clay yet, gets in my cracks

4. due to the mix-up, you get yourself a free voucher to enhance your wish list with an accessory? well? actually, strangely enough, i've gotten used to FIREMAN SAM bothering me about not getting my fireman duties done quickly enough, i'd miss the old scamp if i left, so i'm good...oh, but actually a nice LONG fireman's pole is needed for tonight...

5. your best friend arrives at your back door (hee-hee) just as the to-die-for courier arrives at your front door (hee-hee) with your accessory delivery. what do you do?

a) tell your friend to fuck off, the accessory is ALL MINE!
b) let your friend join in on the fun
c) three-way orgy time with the courier!

um, after careful consideration, #c please

bonus: do you have a real wish list in the works? if yes, what's on it? NO!!!...okay, i'll play: i have a real wish list that contains but one solitary wish: daily fuck-fests at my mcmansion...but if i can't have that, i want a real-life Zelda sword...if not that, i want that someone to take to cool, obscure films.




little monkey said...

So sad, so, so, sad. I opened 12 Borders Stores, and watched all of them close. So sad.

Jack and Jill said...

It may sound like blatant toadying, but I'd bleed for books, in a manner of speaking. I've never worked for a bookstore or anything like that, but I so enjoy reading and books that the concept of books in general is one of the few things other than my flesh and blood for whom I'd bleed.

Ah yes, Link. When I was a wee lad I wouldn't have minded being link. Or perhaps Simon Belmont.


KaziG said...

I had a couple very favourite Borders stores that I hung out to write in, very sad they're gone.


I'm up for the daily fuckfests...

~Kazi xxx

the late phoenix said...

monkey: it was a big example of digital death

jj: Castlevania never struck me the way Zelda did, but i feel ya, hey, i wouldn't mind always having a whip in my hand...

kazi: the mcmansion is almost done with construction...yeah, i coulda written my masterpiece novel in one of those Borders

Ashly Star said...

I still read books and don't own anything to digitally read books. E-readers will never be as awesome as having a book to hold in my hands. The smell of the paper, the turn of the page. I'll keep it, thanks.

Enjoyed reading your answers, as usual! Happy Tuesday. :)

the late phoenix said...

ashly babes: yes, love the smell, the smells of paper milling, of thoughts entering one's mind, even better than the smell of napalm in the morning ;)

Mia Wallace said...

Your Letterman reference made me laugh!

Vincent has a Fleshlight. He doesn't use it very often at all, but when he does, he likes it.

I love your Zelda love. I'm surprised you listed the sword and not a piece of the tri-force. ;-)

the late phoenix said...

mia: only the pure of heart may touch the, i'm out...