WET EYES: DOT THE OLD MAID

 

Wet Eyes: you wanna know why i cry? i cry for YOU.

Dot from It's a Living: me?

Wet Eyes: yes YOU dear. 

Dot starts to cry, her eyes get redder faster than Wet Eyes's lifetime ocular project.

Dot: yeah you're right. my life has been a HORROR SHOW. do you know what it feels like to look around your workplace at your fellow high-end waitress friends who all smile back at you hitched with children? 

Jan: i can't shut up about Richie, all our situations with the kids are offscreened...

Dot: and i'm the ONLY one who's an old maid?!!! mind you in the '80s 30 was old. but still. a drop-dead gorgeous woman like me should NOT be an old maid, it's unfathomable. an old maid is the most depressing thing a woman can be.

Wet Eyes: i don't believe it. NOBODY wanted to marry you?!!! everybody just wanted to fuck you?

Dot: i get in a cycle, you know? like i can't remember the last time i had a third date...

Wet Eyes: i had a great time whenever i went to your skyhigh restaurant.

Dot: oh thanks. i think i remember you.

Wet: and i'm not talking about the food which was food with salad. the ambiance. i'm right there at UCLA summer theatre camp in the '80s, you know? the feeling of that, the warmth of possibility of a drama career. when people still cared about stage productions. i can hear Sonny at the piano now singing "Singing in the Rain" then getting up from his piano bench to show his legs as he motions the eating public to sing along with him doing Sound of Music standards and "The Itsy Bitsy Spider" with his fingers.

Dot: i have the sinking feeling i'm linked with Sonny Mann...

Wet: and don't be so hard on Nancy Beebe.

Nancy Beebe: beneath my hard exterior is a woman DESPONDENT to find love. do you see how hard i work Howard EVERY FUCKING DAMN DAY scheming and conniving and cajoling that bald bastard to go on a first date with me?!!! I DON'T GIVE UP, MAN!!! nobody has ever seen me in my peignoir, not even mother. my speech pattern may be harsh English schoolmarm but i must elucidate my feelings clearly as if on stage to the man i shall betroth. i want a man like any woman, my gaudy nightgowns i wear to work be damned. i want fucking love. even a hardshell deserves love. you can only be a boss to women if you're a bitch.

Mr. Miyagi: i only use my karate chop in Miami...

Giant Rat: i'm here to collect all my babies, every rat in every rat trap in every attic. i mean i am justified in my bloodcurdling screams, you know?

Trent Reznor: imagine you're at an '80s mall-karate studio dancing to the Nine Inch Nails song "Ruiner" as sung in the style of Olivia Newton-John "Let's Get Physical." 

Jane Fonda: shaking your leotard butt to "Ruiner" then turning around.

use your six-inch voice: when listening to Nine Inch Nails.

the AI bubble: it's artificial...

soulmate: someone who haunts.

me: i thought a soulmate was a good thing!!!

Jen R: a soulmate is not a good thing, a soulmate is not a bad thing, a soulmate is someone you have...

step outside: not to fight, to take that call.

Peter Piper: i'm Spider-Man...

Instagram: pure art, no dates...

gish gallop: when you were trying to justify the purchase of that Smashing Pumpkins Gish tape cassette.

Billy Corgan: to the clerk at Wherehouse.

dancing pumps: ugly as sin. no wonder Natalie Portman chose the pointe shoes...

Michael J. Fox: it was the Cobain powder-blue guitar, okay?!!! the timeline i'm interested in is my health timeline...

Selena Gomez: i'm crying because this could all go away tomorrow. did you know Justin Bieber wants to be king of Canada because he saw Justin Trudeau do it and he thinks it's a Justin thing?

Justin Bieber: no i was saying i'm against Trump and Katy Perry is bush-league...

OPACY: Macy's in Baltimore.

Jen R: no socks.

6 Kings Slam: the lost episode of Storybook International...

Breakthrough men's community: meaningful relationships, not porn.

chickenpox: so '80s.

hot pavement: not fun, no eggs, just humid beads on foreheads in Downtown Los Angeles while uncomfortably trying to check out a light-green library book in a white shirt with the sleeves rolled up and laced with sweat. water armpit stains along a white uphill sidewalk miraging your bleary eyes. a small rotary fan on the dashboard of your Pinto.

Blue Jays: just tying up loose ends. Brewers on the brink.

Kurt Cobain: man this sucks.

Punky Brewster: ...

Pope Bob wearing a White Sox cap: i summoned the original white unicorn from the '80s Tom Cruise movie Legend. with my magic.

Fragile Prairie and Dutch Dawson are discussing something truly vital.

Fragile Prairie: they don't get us, man. we're doing important things here. we're catching the ghost!!!

Dutch Dawson: yeah, it's not just about dancing in church while hymning gibberish. talking in tongues, the same tongue you used at prom. all dance is because the spirit is in you. i'm gonna do magic for a living.

Fragile: it's about making sure Casper stays good in these harsh times, he's the only good in this bad who can save us!!! who hasn't completely turned hopeless from doomscrolling.

Ghostwriter: i already got depressed from these times. but i'm a writer, so.

Dutch: only the two of us can see him.

Ghostwriter: i'm a her.

Casper: if i start catching feelings we're all doomed.

Dot: it is a crime of love that i'm still single. i mean look at me!!! look at my face!!! look at my tits!!! look at my butt!!! plus i'm an actor so i'm fun to be around. i'm zany to be with, i go on adventures.

Wet Eyes: i've always said, i don't care if the woman is butt-ugly, if she's zany she can be an actress. wanna join me? i mean join my family. me and the boy. we need a woman. to guide us. my boy is a lot of work, i need to tag-team a partner to put my feet up in Acapulco on odd days. life is about relaxing.

Wet Eyes goes to hug Dot and the two cry different together. the embrace lasts until 6PM.

Dot, crying: you'd do that for me? let me have my second family? after all my years of pain and anguish and uncertain doubt and despairing directionlessness, i fit into your mess just like that?

Wet: sure. why not. you only live once. no time like the present.

Dot: okay but where's your wife?

Wet Eyes: the boy and i don't like to talk about the mother. she made us crazy. 

WET EYES: MY BOY

 

Wet Eyes: my greatest fear is leaving my boy all alone to fend for himself. i hope he makes at least one friend to make life bearable when i'm gone.

dad: is this a segue into your cowboy cigarettes yarn?

JUST THEN Richard Dawson, whom nobody had suspected or noticed, pops his English head from the surface of the crowd in a circle. 

Dickie Dawson: don't worry. Wet Eyes and i go way back, we did that episode of Gunsmoke together, remember? that was the one that broke the record. this is MY boy.

in a genuine Hollywood display the double-doors fling open and THERE is Richard Dawson's son: all decked out in a velvet blazer and newsboy cap.

Richard: see? my boy has it as bad as yours, they could be the best of friends. look at my son, he looks like he just stepped off the set of A Clockwork Orange, the only reason he doesn't get bullied at school by the other kids, teachers, nurses, and principal is they know he's my son!!!

Christopher Columbus: do kids still get my day off school?...

Nightmares (1983).

other driver: it's a bitch finding parking in Los Angeles so i drove my truck underground. it's free parking but the grass clumps still get in the exhaust pipe.

upside-down crucifix: i'm just resting.

Father Frank: i just got crushed in a car wreck. just as well. what was i gonna do post-priest? be a Macy's mechanical man?

Father Frank: why am i struggling so hard to survive? i have nothing to live for now that i don't believe in anything. you think i'm making this up?

highway cop: no sir, but you do believe in God, so. now if you started talking about the Xenomorph, that is science.

Lourdes: that wasn't Mary, that was an older French woman looking for a good time.

wind: there have never been ghosts...

Trinity the cat: this is why i'm so colicky. as you can plainly see, i was a big star before i met you...

father: his wife's expecting? the paternity test proved i wasn't the father so i expect him in office bright and early tomorrow morning at 6.

daughter: mommy, what's high-fructose corn syrup?

mom: the beef tallow of sugar.

father: i have one of those smug '80s mustaches. we remain rich in this family because we don't hire rat-droppings shysters. i'll get rid of the rat. if that doesn't work i'll have my good friend Michael Jackson come over to the house to see what he can do.

Michael Jackson: i'll get rid of the rodent. Frank DiLeo, right?...

daughter: i have a crush on Billy Noble at school. Noble is his middle name, last name Corgan. mommy, why is it that despite all my rage i am still just a rat in a cage?

Veronica Cartwright: no sex tonight, Steven. refer to my Oscar-winning performance in The Witches of Eastwick...

Veronica: your words are sledgehammers. 

Richard Masur: doers like Peter Gabriel.

Rosie the cat: NOW you'd rather have me here and pregnant, huh.

plunger: drain the cleanout. plug the stopgap with a rubber cap.

Choosey: best name for a rat doll, very Richard Scarry.

Cindy Brady: i'll protect you.

exterminator: see for me rats are like Fraggles.

Jen R: those '80s stationwagons with the back flat-down like a droopy frown. the Spielberg Jackrabbit Car was cooler.

Jen: oh damn!!! look at that LARGE television set that 6-year-old girl has in her room!!!

Keefer: no, Germany in the 1600s, relax. this rodent devil eats assholes like your husband.

Giant Rat: did you know the song "Louie Louie" birthed Nirvana? 

lithium-ion battery: more destructive than a rifle.

Giant Rat: THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON'T TAKE YOUR KID TO CHUCK E. CHEESE!!! don't worry, i'm not really here, i'm a Star Wars hologram.

Bridgette Andersen: daddy, where is the big mama rat off to now?

dad: where you are, where there are no roads...

technician: we ain't plumbers, man.

Cell from Dragon Ball Z: what's your cell number?...

Mr. Miyagi: i only use my karate chop to tenderize my pork chop.

Marilou Aussilloux: don't just look at my Australian ass.

Ana Barbara: i live in Santa Barbara. i like Hanna-Barbera cartoons more than my boy. put 50 on rent at the Atlantic City tables, where the buffet is only garlic knots...

a date at 6PM: that's just weird.

Perry Mason: now you know, why i had all the answers, i was a Freemason...

mucus buildup in the nose: your nose is runny, it's running towards winter.

cryptids: unlike crypto, we're cool.

Humphrey Bogart: i was sexy even as an old man. as an old man i looked like Desi Arnaz...

Jodie Foster hosting SNL at age 14 in the '70s: this is my monologue. don't look at my pants, i just had the first-ever Orange Julius...

Coldwell: we're not a cold bank.

Bruce Springsteen: when i was a boy there was a hole in my room. a hole in my bedroom floor. needless to say when the other kids came over to play i played The Floor Is Lava different and scared them...

dogs: the only way we kiss is with tongue...

downtown arcade cabinets: all lined up, all in a row, grimy, dirty, filthy, dusty light.

Elaine Joyce: i was continuously on cocaine.

New York Times excerpts: because nobody can be bothered to read a memoir these days...

Carole King: with my daughter and everything, i should be on Family Guy in cartoon form each week...

Wet Eyes's boy: that Jodie Foster thing just now.

Richard Dawson's boy: right.

Wet Eyes's boy: i feel i'm right there with Jodie Foster drinking that same Orange Julius in 1976, you see how my brain thinks?

Richard Dawson's boy: i feel the same way. er i think the same way. imagine the same way, experience the same way. see the same way.

the two boys shake hands like old chaps.

Wet Eyes's boy: Fragile Prairie.

Richard Dawson's boy: Dutch, nice to meet you.

Fragile Prairie: wanna go back to my house, flip through the first-ever Thrasher magazine, smoke the first-ever legal marijuana, and pile quarters into totem poles? my dad the actor's never home, he's away more than a door-to-door vacuum and/or encyclopedia salesman.

Dutch Dawson: my father's a strange one, when he drives me home back from private tennis lessons, he keeps telling me to viddy this and viddy that, as if i have any idea what the fuck that means. it's bad enough being the chubby boy, you know? it's like come on, dad, get off my back unless you got some real film knowledge.

WET EYES: ST. CYRIL'S THEATRE

 

Wet Eyes was the theatre director at St. Cyril's. he was a mysterious man. you see a little podunk place like St. Cyril's wasn't used to Hollywood royalty giving us acting lessons. legend was he worked with Robert De Niro once on something. he worked down in The Valley. and he was used to legends, being 1/6 Indian Native American Cherokee, which was more than most. 

Wet Eyes: why does life delight in being mean? as you can see, i'm skinny as a beanpole, checkered tablecloth for a shirt, my trademark cowboy bluejeans, hair slicked-back black shoepolish, apricot-colored rawhide cowboy boots, gravelly dirt voice, my face is if Howdy Doody was real. a face pockmarked from smoking strange Mexican cigarillos. the reason i'm so thin is i'm so sad. the reason my people call me Wet Eyes is my eyes are raw, tender, and red from constant crying, my life consists of tears. i carry a blood-red handkerchief with white polka dots in my jeans backpocket, you can't miss it. i'm constantly taking the hanky out and dabbing my eyes. 

Kevin Costner: i had nothing to do with this.

Wet Eyes: it's my boy. my 6-year-old son was born with Fragile X syndrome. i cry whenever i think about the HARD-AS-FUCK life he's gonna have. oh well. all i can do is sigh. and give others the means to pretend to get out of their doomed lives. that's what acting is, right? i'll give anyone gathered in a circle on stage here a fin if they know how to be happy in life.

dad whispers in my ear: a fin is noir slang for a 5-dollar bill.

me: i love you, dad.

our class of 6-year-olds have bewildered eyes as we eat our travel packs of Funyuns. Sister Carol Francis the principal gives only me a stern look through her peephole glasses, tossing back her eggshell-blue veil like it was her long blonde hair and she was a Valley girl.

autumn: for the first time in your life, autumn is tree-cutting season.

chainsaw: that's some scary shit.

Jen R: remember in the '80s everyone had that red plastic brick-shaped power-beam flashlight from RadioShack?...

Nightmares (1983).

Pyewacket: my eyes are friendly.

cop: it's ALWAYS the tail light. cute don't crime.

Cory Matthews: terror in Topanga, yeah, that was our marriage...

Chatsworth: a lot of porn like in Van Nuys, but Van Nuys has that cool Taco Bell.

Jen R: this is the Brady Bunch House with MANY more ferns.

milk: why does cereal always need to be a midnight snack?...

Jen: that is a cool family community chalkboard, we should try that, we need one of those for our family.

Lisa: because the long Metropolitan cigarettes don't fit in the frame...

Shelley Duvall: ...

gas: Super Unleaded?...

gas-station attendant in gray jumpsuit at night: let's face it, we're all creepy killers.

Jen: the killer was Jim Belushi?

Emilio Estevez: practicing being rebellious for The Breakfast Club...

Takahashi: oh man, a downtown arcade right on the street there along Hollywood Boulevard, THAT is punk.

little brother: Parker Lewis lost a lot of quarters as a kid...

Mexican youth: this is a hairnet, ese, i work in a kitchen, i'm not in a gang.

gang leader: we don't do drugs, vato, we do joysticks.

chingas: we punk, but we've never heard of the band Fear...

Al Davis: A Commitment To Excellence on that city bus there, remember when the Raiders were good?...

New Jersey: we have a Galleria, too.

Pamela: bring "shine it" back.

Emilio: I HAVE A PROBLEM, DAD!!! video-game addiction is a BRAND NEW disease in 1983, mom!!! society sucks, man!!!

mom on the phone: Zock, is that you? what kind of ridiculous name is Zock?

Emilio: i WOULD play against you, Tron-head man, but there's no slot to put the quarter in real life...

priest: don't worry, little guy, i'm Catholic but i won't ban Bambi.

Lance Henriksen: why is it that the only character i play is Frank?

priest: where do alcoholic priests go for help?

junior priest: don't call that 1-900 number again, Frank.

priest: i don't mind doing the baptisms and the weddings, can someone else do the funerals? they're so depressing.

altar boys at a funeral: do we REALLY need to be here?...

holy water: works in a car radiator in a pinch.

faith restores peace: in your wife.

Father Frank: we are living in a great void, Your Eminence. at least let me be an atheist based on the Biblical description of God, i mean He's so damn paternalistic!!!

Melissa Maker: the hostages are finally coming home after two years, i'm jumpy, i'm antsy, i'm vulnerable, i need to fuck to get out all this paralyzing nervous energy from my body. let's do it.

me: ...

Melissa: what's the holdup?!!! for fuck sake you don't know how to undo a bra?

me: my fingers always get stuck.

Jen R: they say sex is for expelling anxiety from the body. shall we go to the Mexican restaurant?

Melissa: yeah i guess. it's always chips season in October. fill a couple of my bras with halloumi and let's go, that's what i use my bras for now...

Okarun from Dandadan: how long when you have a JACKED chest like me do you stop being called a nerd?...

Lars von Trier: i literally don't know how to write a happy ending...

Rolaids antacids: gentle poo-inducers.

Jack-O-Lantern Whopper from Burger King: orange hamburger meat.

Jen R: can a hamburger give you a headache?...

Diane Keaton: no Sleeper jokes, okay, kids? respect your coastal grandma. i'm not sleeping forever. remember, i'm from Philadelphia, we believe in God. it doesn't matter, all humans are robots...

me: if i ever needed cold air in my nose at 5AM.........and it smells of pot...

Jen R: look at that moon, tho!!! Ms. Moon is a pizza crust for us.

Bitch Bible on PodcastOne: actually a nice homey room with a sofa where two former UCLA roommates catch up.

Waldo: i fucked up your eyes.

aging parents: SNL always knows your life in its sketches...

on the Life with Derek set. or the sequel in 15 years.

Michael Seater: if i wasn't queer, Ashley Leggat and i would have 3 kids now...

Ashley Leggat: yeah. i don't even like hockey.

Janet Wood: you forgot i had that PHAT BUTT.

money: morality?...

Yhwach: well i'm half the man i used to be, for as i feel as the dawn, it fades to gray...

mucus buildup in the nose: relax, it's Autumn, you made it.

Wet Eyes: do you want to know the answer?

Wet Eyes's son pops his head up like a turtle from our bewildered class and starts to scurry around the circle crazily vocalizing incoherent dragon sounds.

Wet Eyes: that. my boy. see he's doing dragon improv, he thinks two steps ahead of everybody else, i wasn't thinking of doing the improv exercise til Tuesday. my son's a genius.

Wet Eyes takes the handkerchief from his pocket, dabs his red eyes.

VALERIE STEVENSON: THE FORGOTTEN ANIME CLUB

 

Valerie Stevenson: i didn't become famous. far from it. instead i became very obscure, a very niche singer. the type of singer whose songs you've heard before in an oft whisper at a Volvo dealership at midnight in the '80s searching for a family wagon. that song that sways in your memory as you wonder why there wasn't Pizza Doritos in the '80s. 

Jen R: that doesn't matter. what matters is that you DID the thing, woman!!! you made those songs, those songs exist, those songs will remain forever in special hearts. you can't help it that Madonna blew everyone else out of the water.

me: your voice HAUNTS me. 

Valerie: thank you, that is the kindest compliment.

me: your voice makes me cry. your voice makes me wish i hadn't wasted my life.

Valerie: i composed two very powerful songs that have deep-seated meaning for me.

Jen: deep-seeded if the songs are about plants...

Valerie: both for '80s anime movies. one for the first Project A-ko movie, one for the first Urusei Yatsura movie.

Takahashi: i creamed my pants when i heard you say that, pleased to meet you. 

Valerie: i don't want to shake your hand.

Takahashi: i know those two songs well, they raised me.

Valerie: hopefully not into one of those anime perverts. the pain and sadness in my songs, the longing, fit well with my despair and the themes of those two forlorn movies.

Ben Affleck speaking Spanish: that's sexy.

Ben Affleck: i got fluent living under i mean with J Lo. don't worry, J Lo and i are getting back together, we're gonna try it again, did you see us all chummy at the Kiss of the Spider Woman premiere? 

William Hurt: not about Spider-Man...

Ben: i know a lot of people are counting on J Lo and me making it, it's their only proof that waiting for love works...

me: baseball makes me think of you.

Jen R: Superman slide into home!!! no it's more like the quiet moments of Vlad Guerrero when he thinks about Vin Scully, Tommy Lasorda, and Fernando Valenzuela.

me: you make me wet.

Jen R: that's disgusting, dude.

me: no, you make me cry all day whenever i think of you.

Jen: oh. well, that does prove that it's love, right?

firefighters: nice cops.

Anthony Bourdain: i'm alive. i'm lead singer of Pet Shop Boys as you'd expect...

Ana Golja: remember, we did Clue as a show first...

Wikipedia: the principal wants a word with you...

me: whenever i think of school projects, i think of you.

dad: remember when it needed to be a rushjob so i cooked up an idea for one of your school projects at Don's Plum at 9PM at night over cold hot-links?

the Stabbing Westward drummer: i'm not the guy in all the porn riding videos...

wet pants: they're not wet from pee, they're wet from the washer...

CBS: only we venture with our media.

NYPD Blue: okay fine, our intro song borrows heavily from the drums ad pops of the Miami Vice intro song...

Drano: you thought it was gonna be actual gel...

Chrissy Snow: i'm gonna visit my parents.........for a few days...

Arnold Horshack: ma, how could you? why did you sexually-harass Jack Tripper like that?

Ellen Travolta: this family needs a father, Arnold!!!

Baby from Dragon Ball GT: Mac Tonight from McDonald's on a bad day...

Gene Rayburn: see every BLANK on Match Game is penis...

black and tan: now that's a sexy-looking drink.

Jack Nicholson: the nut factory is not a place to fear, it's a place to go to retire...

Proactiv: now you can be an actor...

Gene Rayburn: notice how there's never two men contestants on Match Game at the same time? ask Dawson about that.

Richard Dawson: yeah i couldn't perform under those conditions. only women think i'm funny.

Chloe Fineman: i flashed an intern but it wasn't an HR thing, the breastplate was fake. valkyries were real but my tits aren't. 

Marcello Hernandez: hey Chloe, sorry i couldn't be with you. it's just my mom wants me to marry Lili Estefan.

Genndy Tartakovsky: when studio heads kill off your character, make your character a zombie...

Jen R: don't you see? you're a LEGEND!!!

Valerie Stevenson: to whom?

Jen: all those fucking nerds at those anime conventions!!! strangely there're no Asians there, only white, black, and Lithuanian men all 25 years old.

Valerie: you mean i dreamed of being a Madonna singer and my fate is to have to go to anime conventions the rest of my life?

Jen: you'll be worshipped as a space queen at those places in Anaheim. those seedy convention halls in Burbank. the part of Burbank only studio heads park in. 

Valerie Stevenson: i don't know. will they really like me? look at me, i'm old now. my face is haggard from lost love and not being recognized. my body is broken from traveling to Tucson.

Jen R: but you still got the spirit. the spirit of that spiked hair and spiked belt that cinched the waist long before a snatched waist. it's not a sad stuck-in-the-'80s appearance, it's an '80s REVIVAL!!!

Valerie: i want to SING. you know? i don't care where or to whom, i just want to SING!!! i want to feel the vibrations of my torch-ballad voice shimmering across the corners of a brick wall at night.

Jen: an anime convention is the only place they'll let you sing those boutique songs of yours live. even Shakey's Pizza said they'd be closing the door on anime and focusing solely on Stranger Things from now on.