THE PRIEST & THE KIT KAT: DUBBLE BUBBLE

 

Peewit: they rejected me so i had to learn a trade. i took up electrical engineering. i became a Buddhist priest. their robes are cooler. life is tranquil here on the island. though i have to admit the village people are weird. when it comes to their religion. but they are quirky about their food which i like. they'll drink ANYTHING. i run a candy shoppe with a thatch roof on the outskirts of town, it helps me blend in with the locals so they don't shy away from the spirit. gives my cheeks and my path extra color. isolation is boring. we have 700 varieties of Kit Kat here, any flavor-chocolate paired with the wafer your little anime heart desires. you know Kit Kats, those chocolate bars that look like pianos. you can only get certain Kit Kat flavors HERE and nowhere else in the world. i'm searching for a specific flavor and color of Kit Kat...

Jen R drags my sickly body and mind to this candy shoppe. she plops me on top of Peewit's counter.

Peewit: SEAWEED KIT KAT!!! that was it.

Jen R: can it help my friend? he doesn't have much time left.

Peewit: he's in a bad way, it's like he's given up on life. seaweed cures anything. but it tastes salty and disgusting. do you like eating seaweed, sir?

me: the only Japanese food i like is candy.

Jen R: yeah, seaweed and chocolate is NOT a good combo.

me: i had another episode of the God Shakes last night, i start thinking about ETERNITY, about NEVERENDING, and my small brain can't take it, i can't mathematically calculate those parameters, i can't understand INFINITY, so i start CONVULSING, SPASMING as i hit out at my crossed dresser with the palm of my hand until i leave a cross bruise on the bridge of my nose.

Jen: this won't happen to you as long as you're wearing your double-sweater.

Peewit: yeah sometimes the body needs to breathe, a change of scenery, a change of smells, sights, tastes, a change of rules.

JUST THEN there's a tiny Christmas jingle bell at the door.

Jean-Michel Basquiat enters the candy shoppe.

Jen: oh my GOD!!! sir, can i call you J.M.?

Basquiat: not even my mom called me Jean-Michel. my dad calls me Jim.

Jen: please sign my tub of Dubble Bubble!!!

me gagging on the counter: hey, I was gonna get you that Dubble Bubble!!!

Jen: see? this is lucky for you already. the crown logo on the Dubble Bubble tub is YOUR crown, Basquiat!!!

Basquiat: who do you think licensed it? ALL brands use MY art for their logo. call me a dreamer, i thought art was supposed to be free.

Jen: and sign ONCE MORE using Madonna's signature, are you two still a thing? 

Madonna: Basquiat was my only true love, we got together when BOTH of us weren't famous yet. 

Basquiat: Madonna was bad at fucking back then.

Madonna: "Like a Virgin" is not about a big dick, it's about a feeling. Tarantino is a weird date, he's antsy.

Talia the cat: your butthole is as red, itchy, dusty, and grey as mine.

me: i need ointment from CVS.

Michael Weiss: Instagram isn't about love, it's about agenda.

Friday morning: not the same as other mornings.

meraki: only found in Milwaukee.

Eye Luggage: watch it.

Laertus: why?

Eye: she's come back from a trip to Europe and/or Costa Rica.

Houghton Mifflin: education so kids won't turn into huffing teens who ride cars without a muffler.

Talia the cat: don't put your hot plate of spaghetti on the mousepad, it ruins the insulation over time.

Jerry the mouse: i only eat spaghetti with cheese.

Dragon Ball Z: Dead Zone.

Suzy Lu: a new intro song!!!

me: THIS intro sing will stay in your head FOREVER.

Lars von Trier: that was the most DISTURBING eating of 3 apples i've ever seen.

Jen: i just can't get into anime. the clothes are cool tho.

Emperor Pilaf: people take me seriously? people think i'm a menacing threat?

Bulma: it's me, Bulma, i'm wearing my dad's white lab coat.

green villain who's not Piccolo: kids aren't supposed to eat apples!!! don't you watch Disney movies, kid? 

Gohan: of course, all anime was derived from Disney.

green villain: i can't say you're drunk, you're too innocent for that. what you're experiencing is the acid trip all animators go through before they're qualified to work at this Japanese studio.

Gohan: why do i see elephants but no dinosaurs?

Garlic Jr.: but what does my father Garlic look like?...

Hoop Dreams.

downstate: it's a metaphor.

the Hum lead singer: ...

Arthur Agee hugs William Gates.

Arthur: i love you, man. our friendship is beautiful.

William: love you too. i know. hey how'd you get bigger than me? we ain't faking it, we really are boys.

Arthur: yeah, they made it seem like we didn't know each other even tho we're the two stars of this doc!!! 

Arthur: i should major in Agriculture...

William: Computer Science. but there's no point, the computer has already been invented. i want to invent something.

cheerleader: don't be pushing me!!! SIKE, it's the routine.

Arthur's mom: i was a cheerleader back in the day. now i'm a nurse. BOTH your fantasies?

Olympic rings on the ceiling of the basketball court: in case you change your mind in four years...

The Tonight Show: you will NEVER watch this show ever again, you will NEVER be able to stay up past 11PM ever again.

"Push It to the Limit": "Danger Zone"'s younger brother.

Archer: ...

Archer: played at my bar mitzvah.

9:01 PM: NO CHORES will get done at this point.

Jackie Fitzgerald: at 6:30AM each morning be sure to SLIDE DOWN the curtain-blinds of your den door-window that overlooks my glorious PINK LOVE SHACK!!!

Saturday-morning Premier League soccer: it has replaced Saturday-morning cartoons.

Gunther holding the Sword of Power: by the power of Grayskull, I HAVE THE POWER!!! to snatch your puny soul from your puny body as you faint from fear at having seen my pure rough face.

me: there was an Eternia playset?

Heat Miser: i had cool punk hair. 

Melissa Maker: Merry Crisis. microscopic glass can't be surgically removed...

at the candy shoppe.

Peewit: watch out for the SUCTION of the bottom of your Alice in Wonderland-big-size teacup.

Ear Horn: i prefer paper teacups, dearie. and NOT just on Mother's Day. witches are scared of ceramic, it's like water to us.

Peewit: we have an assortment of rabbit food you will MUNCH, madam.

Ear: i'm old but i'm spry, sonny. i love the coleslaw with that one STRAP of cabbage that looks like a window blind.

Peewit: it's like eating my Medieval shoe.

Mashle: One Piece is homework, Mashle is recess.

Hollywood: you go to parties for work.

Manchester United: Jonny Greenwood from Radiohead plays soccer for this team.

Malta: sounds like coffee. General Foods International Coffees coffee.

Jackie Fitzgerald at the door: want some of my homemade Christmas spice cookies?

me: i want to eat your REAL cookies.

the latest Family Guy episode: people still celebrate Christmas? on Dec 25 and everything? with presents around the Christmas tree?

Stewie: stockings hung by the chimney with care. not high on the mantle enough that the stockings catch fire from the ticklish flying embers below in the fireplace.

Brian: the whole family gathers round the Christmas tree, not in separate rooms with separate TVs...

Chloe Fineman: it's your new holiday tradition: you find eggnog somewhere, anywhere, BEFORE the first SNL of December...

Marina Sirtis: i'm playing Princess Ariel in the Thundarr the Barbarian live-action movie...

Paul Mescal: if Harry Potter had a personality.

Gaia: are you gonna tell your wife you're gonna be gone awhile?

Sir David Attenborough: i haven't spoken to my wife in 70 years, that's why we're still married.

David Tennant sucking on a lemon drop: there's a spirit phone in my TARDIS.

Matt Smith: not Sprint.

Peewit: yeah so the island is Japan.

The Wallflowers song "The Difference" plays in the background in the candy shoppe...

 

   

LET THE EARTH REST: THE TRANSFER/ A SHORT NAP

 

Gaia: you are to become Gaia for the next 2000 years.

David Attenborough: now that i think about it...

Gaia: i know how you feel, as The Buddha nobody paid attention to me, either.

David: this is perfect, i actually had nothing scheduled to do after i died, my planner is clear. i was scared of getting bored. now i have something to look forward to again!!! to get up for.

me: i gotta put on a sweater again, i'm getting cold.

Jen R: you know, you never get it right. you never have on what you need for that particular weather.

me: or off.

Jen: what would you do without me here? here, let me help you get the double-sweater back on.

Lindy Lenz is lounging on her back on a pool-floatie bed the perfect size of her body on the gentle drifting waves of the frozen pond. 

Lindy Lenz: the sunglasses add a nice touch on the tundra. glare. pina-colada popsicle.

Gordon Ramsay: white styrofoam take-out boxes are the bane of my existence.

Nigella Lawson: they are my ecstasy. carry me on your carry-out of rib rapture.

Jackie Fitzgerald: the world's oldest bird just laid an egg. sounds like me. we're both 70.

Jen: i want to be like you.

Jackie: you'll never reach 70, toots. i've banged the best of 'em. i banged Humphrey Bogart AND Lauren Bacall, separately. 

me: so i'm walking past your gate in the morning.

Jen, singing: Love Shack/ is a little ol place where/ we can get TOGETHER.

Jackie: that's fun.

me: the gate slightly opens, slightly ajars, and a figure with long blonde hair is behind it. 

Jackie: naturally you thought it was me.

me: i stop and stick my foot inside your gate to wave hi.

Gunther: but it was ME!!! the boyfriend!!! that's long BLOND hair!!!

me: you gave me SUCH a fright!!! you scared the BEJEBUS out of me!!! i was not expecting YOU!!!

Gunther: was it my cold icy stare?

me: i can't take you. you startle me to death with your He-Man-ness.

me: Gunther, your face haunts me...

Mitch Hedberg in Central Park: when you ask your date out, you ask her "wanna cup of coffee?". but it will never be ONE cup of coffee. there will always be TWO cups of coffee. unless you share one cup of coffee with a straw. next time ask your date "do you want two cups of coffee?" and see if she doesn't dump you. these are the jokes i would have done three years after my death.

Murder on the Orient Express (1974).

Professor Plum: she has hidden fire. to go with this snowy train.

Vanessa Redgrave: people forget i had red hair.

Lauren Bacall: wait, can a letter-opener kill? i use this letter-opener that was planted in my purse to give myself a facelift.

Moe Howard with a gold grill for teeth: shoot. your questions.

Larry Fine: can i be serious for once in my life? i had that Stooge face where people thought i did drama before.

Ms. Krause: no talking out of turn, this is 6th Grade, not kindergarten.

Jerry Springer: everyone on this train, take care of yourself and each other.

Wagon-Lit: when there's a snowdrift and you have a nice butt.

Macbeth: light thickens like fish oatmeal.

Batman: i was a champion cricketer before that unfortunate incident with Pinocchio's bug.

Hildegarde: all my ladies say i'm a good cook. i'm Beyonce wearing a chef hat.

trunk call: when Snuffy REALLY needs to talk to Big Bird after snorting WAY TOO MUCH cocaine up that elephant nose of his.

Albert Finney: turns out, i'm pretty GOOD as Poirot!!! huh? you all hated me, you all badmouthed me, you all tried to TRICK me, you thought i was DUMB.

Poirot: you served in the British army in India?

butler: yes, sir, as a Robin Hood. i gave Mr. Belvedere his first spotted dick.

Poirot: pardon moi, my moustache fell in my glass of water. newspapers have covid on them. i play air violin to relax from the stress of being Belgian.

Sean Connery: that was the most halfhearted knife-stab i've ever plunged into someone.

Julie Patzwald: our amended goth-band name: Rotter. our new player of the moon glockenspiel: Selena.

Jacqueline Bisset: i am not Genevieve Bujold.

Ingrid Bergman: i won the Oscar because i was goofy. i played a goofy character with a goofy voice.

Agatha Christie: i mean this is the ONLY BOOK i'm known for.

Agatha Christie: Hercule Poirot in this movie should have had a HANDLEBAR MUSTACHE...

Hercule Poirot: madam?

Agatha Christie: yes?

Hercule Poirot: your name sounds like you're in agony.

Wendie Malick in hot yoga pants rifling through an outside trash can: i'm a bag lady. i carry these FOUR large Neiman Marcus shopping bags around with me at all times everywhere i go during the holidays as i roam the streets. did you see the latest Night Court? it was about a hole. i am not confident going forward about my job security.

the Toyota Lady: why aren't i in the cast of SNL?...

Wendie Malick: my sister the Toyota Lady still has a job SELLING TOYOTAS?!!! doesn't make sense.

David Attenborough: my fellow humans, do you know what a snale is? it's a snail that has Darwin'd himself into a whale.

Buddha: and when he sings through his spiral baleen teeth, his blowhole sounds out in Alice in Chains.

David: and do you know what a wombat whippoorwill is?

Buddha: those birds with the scary yellow eyes. eyes wild like a wombat. how do they get their eyes yellow like that?

David, gently sighing: from eating too many McDonald's French fries.

AT-AT Walker: can i be a wombat walker?

Coldplay "Viva La Vida": always playing at your Safeway.

Chris Martin: i always get those two words, viva and vida, confused.

St. Patrick's Cathedral in NYC: the best place to be a Roman Catholic growing up.

Mr. Kotter: yeah...

Julie Patzwald: i am a devotee of cold. but not snow. snow is boring. when we were stuck in that snowdrift aboard the Orient Express, i passed the time reading books about how the Disneyland Monorail was electric-powered in the 1970s. goths only eat BLUE snowcones. 

wiktionary: we take a more British bent...

Boc: fog walks are more mystical than Boc walks.

Robot Chicken: ...

Seth Green: more mistical.

 

professor: you can trust me, i have a handlebar mustache. i wrote your McGraw Hill textbook on natural disasters. people believed in science in the '80s.

Suzy Lu in a 1970s Stevie Nicks black-and-orange-fish kimono: you have a feral fragrance about you. you're musky like a Scottish hound.

Steejo: i want to stick my Connery cock in your NESSIE BIG BUTT, suck on your tiny swaying deflated-balloon titties, and cum all over your bonnie-lass face.

Suzy: your wee wee-wee.

Steejo: yes.

Suzy: i am medically unable to have children so go nuts.

Steejo: no condom?

Suzy: *heavy Scottish sigh* no condom.

Steejo: bless ya.

Paul: you guys are a bunch of electric yokels.

me: yes, electronica-only for me.

Mashle: the humor is dry.

Mashly: but my math tits are wet. one tit is the size of Earth. the other tit is the size of Planet X.

Doctor Who: the zeitgeist has gone out of the balloon. let's take the TARDIS and travel back to Dec 7, 1989 where we can reboot the show...

John  Belushi: how did i get hit by a NYC taxi in the snow on Christmas and not feel any pain? i did the fog walk in the Marines...

Christmas lights 2024: the last flicker of joy. the last flicker of hope.

female Matlock: CBS and old people, a built-in LARGE audience.

turkey: without VIVID storytelling i can't fly.

Dan Casagrande: i'm the type who ends up a side-character in a cutscene from the Family Guy Christmas special. 

Brian: the joke was reverse mortgages don't work. i told your dog this.

Savannah Guthrie: in your dream i'm in a large indoor diamond-carpeted wood theater with you. the light above us is so bright it's the Christian Heaven. we're swooning through the previews.

me: all that Harrison Ford trivia.

Savannah: after the movie we stroll outside with the sunny breakers to one side of my purse. i check out the 20 wood garage doors all along the bare promenade.  

me: the beach heats my feet.

Jellycat: we're jealous that we will never be Care Bears.

Ms. Talbott: only i can REVIVE the Notre Dame organ. 

The Pope: so you're an old lesbian?

Ms. Talbott: Ms. Talbott is my SPICE name. no with my mouth. the jazz in my mouth.

The Pope: jazz comes from the heart, it's not learned by rote, it's freestyle. oh the one in Paris, i thought you were talking about the one on La Cienega.

Gaia: i accept this assignment with open arms. i may just be able to save Planet Earth yet.

Bill Nye: save the world. i'm next in line.

Gaia: i'll save Earth from behind the scenes, silently, without my booming words. that no one heeded. i'll be quiet but i won't stay quiet. a gentle nudge. i'll SHOW, not speak. i'll show them. i will be there for them always. i shall not abandon them, even after our home has turned to cinder. i'll be there when the Amazon Forest needs a drink. i'll be there when the ocean get thirsty. i'll be there when the forest needs a ripped-open brown McDonald's bag full of French fries to be gently picked up. i am a gentle breeze you don't feel. LET IT NEVER BE SAID SIR DAVID ATTENBOROUGH STOPPED TRYING.

 

 

LET THE EARTH REST: RAZOR BUMPS

 

Gaia: and i am really.........big reveal.........The Buddha.

David Attenborough: that's it? oh. damn. i thought you were gonna be one of those GIANT fairies from the Zelda games with the GARGANTUAN TITS.

Gaia: are you ready for your next job?

David: not really. i'm too old to work. shouldn't i be collecting Social Security by now?

Gaia: no, the Republicans took over the world again, remember? this fucking eternal seesaw is doing my bodhi box in.

Gaia: i don't reveal Next Gen plans to just anybody, you know. you need to meet me at a secret location. go to where the fire water comes from.

me: i'm too hot here, i'm gonna take my double-sweater off.

Jen R: no no, just take ONE sweater off. let me help you take ONE sweater off.

Lindy Lenz cuts a hole in the ice of the frozen pond with a Chilly Willy saw, drops a line, and fishes the day away.

Lindy Lenz: no catches. and my butt is frozen. 

Chilly Willy: as a penguin i can tell you any fish you'd have caught with that method would have been frozen in a block of ice, only cartoon animals can eat those raw and whole.

Lindy: i need to generate some body heat. i want Woody Woodpecker to peck at my vagina for hours. you're friends with him, right?

me, scatting with harmonica: oh Lindy Lenz, give me a call/ it's been a whole year, i'm still waiting/ my mouth organ is so dry/ don't abandon me, don't give up on my life/ you were meant to be my wife

Michael Weiss: don't be acting all cool on Instagram, like you're settled in your relationships and have no problems. you can't fake it online forever. 

Matt & Trey: anything made famous by South Park ends up bad.

Jackie Fitzgerald: there's a loud VROOM VROOM by my bedroom window. my boyfriend Gunther is revving up his Harley outside after fucking me. could he be any more of a walking cliche? i LOVE him!!! 

Gunther: and then i speed off on my motorcycle, like that Pearl Jam song.

Ms. Krause: remember what i told you in 6th Grade?

me: you told me to get your autograph now, you didn't see yourself becoming a famous Shakespearean actress.

Ms. Krause: well the same went for you. can i have your autograph from when you were in 6th Grade?

Damp January: Doryce in January.

$100 bill: are good $100 bills BLUE?...

CVS: our lunch hour is whenever you're calling.

Eye Luggage: mom, i'm so afraid of you wasting your money on junk causes that i actually threw away an envelope with a $1 bill in it!!!

Ear Horn: mystic stamps tho, daughter.

Jackie Fitzgerald: yeah, it could have been the JFK Stamp!!! or the Sitting Bull Stamp!!!

growth team: Doryce's dates. on Thursdays.

Russ Lesser: it was you all along.

Cork Lesser: that's easy for you to say, we met at Carlos Castaneda classes in the '70s.

Carlos Castaneda: tensegrity. i'm sensing a lot of tension in the room. i understand you, i don't get ice hockey, either. 

Cork: it's not that.

Carlos: is it because i don't have a long Indian beard? Don Juan Matus had hair. okay fine, i wanted to be A.C. Slater in high school. get all the girls. math is simply hard spirituality.

Suzy Lu: don't assume it's "assume," i pronounce it "ashume."

Steejo in the kickboxing ring: i'm training to be the next Gerard Butler.

Karen: no i'm Karen from San Francisco, it's okay, i'm KQED Karen.

Golden Corral: all the voters were HERE. look at all the Carhartt everywhere. 

David Attenborough enjoying a shepherd's pie: as global warming envelopes the planet, there are gonna be a lot more of those barbecue relief efforts in your area's future. a lot more barbecue tents.

Ronaldo: goal is hidden in global, goal like soccer, why can't global warming be as popular as soccer?

David Attenborough wearing a Star Wars shirt: just because that idiot Bump won again doesn't mean the world's environmental problems now suddenly vanish into thin bad air as if they never existed, rather they bad-force-multiply.

Hoop Dreams.

me: i'll be honest, whenever i watch this, i get depressed. the more i watch this, the more depressed i get.

Humphrey Bogart wearing a basketball headband: that film-noir background music tho. the jazz saxophone.

David Duchovny: i thought that was MY sax...

Rod Serling: all of my Twilight Zone episodes were little film-noir films.

Michael J. Fox: this ain't no magic court. this ain't no Teen Wolf court. the basketball hero DOESN'T make the last-second shot and the team loses in the end.

Gates and Agee: if our hoop squad had a werewolf for a mascot, we'd believe in magic. but we were too poor for a mascot. we wanted magic werewolves, not Michigan.

 

William Gates's brother: as you can see, when i'm not working, i'm addicted to soap operas. i later die in a love triangle. this was all fated in the stars.

Murder on the Orient Express (1974).

Poirot: they all did it. too soon?

Anthony Perkins: he burned the letters. 

Poirot: so, Abraham Lincoln? hot letters?

Poirot: all murder leads back to my mustache. and two fencing masks. the hot wax is strictly professional, gentlemen, not sexual. 

Colonel Mustard: i never thought someone could actually kill Alex Louis Armstrong of Fullmetal Alchemist.

Poirot: this is fun, no? it's Clue on a train. let us talk of less distressing matters, my friend, let us talk of murder.

Anthony Perkins: no i'm talking about my Psycho mother, i loved her a little too much. tell me i'm emotionally retarded.

Poirot: you are an emotionally-mature self-actualized gay man, Mr. Perkins. marriage is for suckers.

Beddoes: you're Belgian, sir?

Poirot: quite. now be a good butler and stuff this Belgian waffle down Sean Connery's piehole. tell him Zardoz sent ya.

Poirot: let's do the broad before Brod.

Lauren Bacall: i BEG your pardon, little man!!! i'm only talkative because Humphrey Bogart was bad at pillow talk. Humphrey Bogart had a small dick. because he was a private dick. 

handkerchief on top of David Foster Wallace's head: right? what's the point of a handkerchief?

Ingrid Bergman: i'm not Audrey Hepburn. i was born backward.

Poirot: breech birth?

Ingrid Bergman: no, the African babies taught me the true religion. i wish i had written The Lion King, not worked with my boring uncle Ingmar Bergman. i just want to fuck Prince. we call him Yesus.

Poirot: my dear Ingrid, focus more on the Freudian, less on the religious. snakes don't breathe.

Samuel L. Jackson on a train: ...

Poirot: my dear crazy Ingrid, is your bedgown white with red animals?.........i want to see you naked...

maid: i'm Lady Dragonlady's Golden Girl, her friend and her confidante. NOT her servant. she's my mistress, second meaning, as in we fuck. i'm not a lesbian, but i will do anything for my mistress.

Lady Dragonlady: i'm from The Cosby Show. ice cream bars is not cooking.

Sean Connery: AOC happens to be a friend of mine.

Poirot: LIAR!!! that would NEVER happen!!!

Julie Patzwald: Rotten Show, our goth-band name.

Mordecai from Regular Show: ...

Mordecai: don't i have a goth name?

Sean Connery: are you suggesting my arms are PEEPcleaners?!!! that's pipe in Scottish, right?

Poirot: and WHY is all the stained glass on this train NAKED LADIES?!!!

Sean Connery: can you give me your solemn oath, as a frog?

Vanessa Redgrave: Sean Connery fell in love with my shit-eating grin.

Encyclopedia Brown: i am so SICK of all these amateur-sleuth Tik Tok teenage-girl detectives!!!

Lucky: your neighborhood mart for the obscure good stuff.

divorced 40-year-old men on dating apps: it's sad but it must be done.

Luke Russert: don't hold the Christmas-grocery-shopping bag to one side or the other, hold it out in front of your chest, it becomes light as a feather.

Tai: finally the yoga's taking.

The Barnyard: come at 10AM, it's quiet, all the stores are open...

Kurt Cobain: when you see a dude on his cellphone pacing back and forth under a bridge, he is not having a happy life.

yocal: not Southern, still all Californian, yo is surfer.

Eminem: "Mom's Spaghetti" is now a tribute song.

Gordon Ramsay: HEY FROG!!!

Mr. Roper: me?

Gordon Ramsay: put a pat of butter in your hot cocoa.

Mr. Roper: now THAT's strong.

Jacques Pepin: whenever a French recipe calls for butter, it means a whole stick of butter.

the scrolls: social media destroyed elder underwater religious texts. 

David Attenborough: took me awhile but i finally figured it out. after eons of pollution our Earth's sky has turned RED. the firewater is clear water that's reflecting the sky, nothing to do with fire.

Gaia: clear water is a myth. the only fire that exists on this planet now is the lava splurting forth from the volcano that sprouts from the top of my head. here, climb aboard the volcano. climb aboard my head.

David: i've been waiting for this lava. i have razor bumps. see here? these little razor bumps on the top of my head, like bad cobblestone. i fucked up my head shaving when i was trying to be a nature monk.

Gaia: the lava will soothe your razor bumps. but you did not come here for this.

David: my balls itch. and i ran out of talcum powder at Casablanca Station.

Gaia: lava works much better on itchy balls. are you ready to take over?

David: say what now? 

 

LET THE EARTH REST: SIR DAVID ATTENBOROUGH TURNS 200

 

Sir David Attenborough: i'm turning 200 today, and my video for Earth and all its inhabitants is up on YouTube. but nobody has watched the video. nobody has wished me a happy birthday. 

the voice of Gaia: even though you're now officially a Titan. what was the nature of this video?

David: granted it wasn't a celebration, it was a global warning about global warming.

David takes a long hard sigh.

David: my lungs are a dry balloon. my bones are stone. ah, i don't know, the war is lost. no one wants to listen to an old man anymore. rattle on about the direness of action NOW. 

Gaia: i don't get it, aren't the videos about doom zoomed to the top of the algorithm?

David: they'd much rather be entertained. be excited. i get it, there are much more cheery videos on YouTube. about how to bake a cake. about how to make homemade Froot Loops. i'm a relic. a has-been. a fossil. a pooper on their parade, peeing in their party 7 Up. have you ever seen an old man take a shit? it ain't pretty.

Gaia: what did you do when you were young, David? when you were a spry lad who didn't burden himself with the weight of the world, literally.

David: i was always a chubby child. so my mom enrolled me in dance class. not that ballet shit, REAL dance. rave dancing to gay electronica. i showed them, i lost 5 pounds. i was a demon on that dancefloor.

Gaia: picked up many birds?

David: i accidentally swatted a bat like Ginobili and the whole dancehall thought i was a goth. at that moment my brain clicked and i became an accidental conservationist.   

David: here we are in all the SNOW and ICE Mother Earth  has to offer. i am here alone on the frozen tundras of Greenland.

it's at THIS MOMENT that i cover Sir David's shoulders with my black fuzzy Mr. Kotter/ Mr. Serling pimp coat.

David: a little too hot for me, junior, next time choose a warm fleece.

me: i admire you more than any other living thing on this planet, more than the priests. i thought i'd have a go at cheering you up. it's just, you look so depressed out here in Greenland.

Jen R: and sad.

me: WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN?!!!

Jen: i don't know. away. i think.

me: it's just, when you go radio-silent for a whole week, i'm thinking you ain't never coming back. i tried to do something to rouse you from your radio silence.

Jen: did the Greyhound stations in the '80s have radios?

stationmaster: Orient Express.

Jen: nice gesture. but you're now without your signature article of clothing. i'll give you a life hack.

me: i'd rather have a pro tip.

Jen: two sweaters. wear two sweaters. let me help you with that second sweater.

me: please touch my back. it's only fair what with all the backrubs i've given you.

Lindy Lenz does a few ice-skating twirls on the frozen pond.

Super Mario: when i drive to your house to collect the trash, that's the only visit to your house you get all year.

Talia the cat inside Bagel Bakery: i'm allowed in here because i'm cute. and i can eat as many poppyseeds as i want and not get baked.

hot coffee during winter: but you're drinking iced coffee in winter to save the battery on your Keurig machine.

Fievel Mousekewitz: i come to America not on the promise of Nacho Cheese Doritos, but on the promise of Cheddar Doritos.

Ralph Bakshi: hey that Fievel Mousekewitz is me in mouse form.

Bernie Sanders: the thing is, in THIS political climate, i actually COULD be elected President now...

Alvin, Simon, Theodore: why don't we have stripes down our backs?

Jackie L. Fitzgerald: i'm 70, i just want to have some good sex finally!!! the L stands for Loving.

Gunther: He-Man and Thundarr were both in chain gangs before they broke their chains and roamed free toward the magic.

Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal are hiking up the Himalayas.

Roger Federer: snowy. you're wearing Bermuda shorts?

Rafael Nadal: these are my only clothes i've ever worn. 

Roger: i was a good cold player. a good player in the cold. i come from Switzerland after all where it snows in summer.

Rafa: nobody remembers you were a tennis player, it was SO long ago.

Roger: i'm gonna start drinking that St. Bernard's tiny barrel of booze around his neck.

Jen R: don't call me honey, i know you don't mean it but it SOUNDS condescending.

me: only when we cosplay as Fred and Ethel Mertz.

Ms. Krause: you will fall in LOVE with compound sentences with lots of commas...

Hoop Dreams.

me: remember Casio calculators?

Lucio Rossi: remember when you could USE your calculator on a math test?!!! take me back to 1989!!!

William Gates and Arthur Agee: you study nihilism in your colleges, we LIVE nihilism on the mean streets of Chicago.

Bill Gates: i actually studied Gary Kildall in college.

Cabrini-Green and West Garfield Park: this ain't no TV show, this ain't no Good Times, this is REAL. we still laugh tho. we can still appreciate the pretty architecture of where we live. 

dad: Princeton, Spike Lee, Dick Vitale, and Michael Weiss, those four will always bring hope even to the bleakest of life stations.

Taylor Swift: ready for all the Christmas sex we're gonna have his month?

Travis Kelce: i won't have the energy unless i take my updated covid and flu vaccines this cold season. NFL football doesn't tire me out the way you do.

David Bowie: why wasn't i in Fame (1980)?...

Mario: i would have made a good plumber if nothing else worked out.

Michael Weiss: Instagram said in order to forget someone you need to scroll one more time.

Darth Vader: Space Mountain in the snow is cool.

Walt Disney: now it's Hoth. the Star Wars Deal was the best business-savvy thing i ever did for Disney.

Talia the cat: don't call me a pipsqueak, i meow because the world really is coming to an end soon.

Roger Federer: the last time i skied my skis were wood tennis racquets.

Rafael Nadal: you retired a long time ago.

Dr. Robbins: i can't fix lifetime wear and tear...

Christmas tree: hey, don't flock me, snow isn't silver.

DoorDash: you want to remove an item from your DoorDash order?.........DON'T DO IT.

Melissa Maker: my pussy tastes like candied bacon.

Velvet: NOBODY watches 90-minute soap operas.

Murder on the Orient Express (1974).

Jen R: the Lindbergh baby?

me: trains are so romantic.

Jen: yeah, especially when that black smoke envelops the tiny bridge the train goes under.

Hercule Poirot: it's a herculean task to solve a murder. mysteries make my skin itch. i solved the last case, let David Suchet take over...

Jen: hey Hercule, i love your usual cocktail: one sip of a melted green-apple Jolly Rancher.

Poirot: keep on sucking. my mustache is a flavor ride.

American: see this gun, Mr. Ross Perot?

Poirot: fine, you shoot me and i solve my murder.

Anthony Perkins: i'm acting suspicious from Psycho. nothing to do with THIS film.

Trent Reznor wearing green shades: can we go back to the days when it was cool to have a valerian in your tiny snifter glass in the evening?

Richard Patrick: now it's two NoDoz in water to hide the caffeine pills from Zack.

Trent: people think you're Morrissey.

Monsieur Hercule Poirot: my mustache has his own sleeping mask.

Jacques Pepin: Tabasco-sauce cocktails, i invented those. Amber Moon? no, raw eggs are poisonous like my mushrooms.

Poirot: and then the victim used a washbasin like that first guy in Young Sherlock Holmes.

Haley Lu Richardson: was Louise Brooks really THIS snarky and bright-eyed?

Elizabeth McGovern: no, you just have one of those ANNOYING faces.

Michael Weiss: pro tip, pursue a girl on Instagram with just a few comments on her posts.

Mika Brzezinski: in my dream i'm interviewing Abraham Lincoln on MSNBC. i'm realizing that ol Abe was the last president who could actually do GREAT THINGS. because the system was less broken in those days. Abraham Lincoln speeches weren't speeches, they were passion plays.

Ms. Krause: capitalization is the bane of your existence.

$420 million box-office Thanksgiving weekend: the 420 is the green of 4/20 marijuana pot and the jackpot is Wicked green skin.

Pete Davidson: i sing the songs IN the theater. especially if it annoys the person next to me. i was on the hippie lettuce when i was watching Wicked, i sounded like Ariana Grande when i sang the songs.

Cynthia Erivo: if we're gonna be friends, Pete, i gotta have you cutting back on the bullshit. i hate Target.

Anthony Bourdain: i'm sorry but unalive is a corny word.

Gaia: as Quincy Jones would say, "do birds sound like flutes? no, it's the other way around. do drums sound like thunder? no, it's the other way around. all of our music sounds come from Nature."

David Attenborough: nobody cares about Nature anymore. wait, are you Quincy Jones?

Gaia: no, he's still too young.

Quincy Jones barefoot and shirtless on the ice: cargo pants are the best yoga pants. don't lose that New Order shirt on the ice, mama, it's precious to me. remember, it's not yoga until you can bend your body over from the front like a snapped pretzel stick. there's something special about 4/5 time, that rhythm aligns with the vibration of the universe. are you feeling these 4/5 waves?

David: when i DANCE, not this yoga shit.

Gaia: then dance, old timer.

David: right here on this frozen tundra?

Gaia: sure, i can take it.

David: do i need a zhuzh? i don't feel myself without my pink hair.

Gaia: nah, you're fine old and decrepit.

David begins dancing on the barren abandoned frozen tundra of Greenland alone by himself to the Erasure song "Oh l'amour." he spins around in triplicate and slamdances all over the icy land.

David: and i get dizzy at my age from just taking one step forward.

David: LOOK AT ME, PEOPLE!!! this is the LAST TIME i'll be able to do this on this Earth if the Earth keeps going the way it's going!!! we're headed for choppy waters, ALL choppy waters!!! everything's gonna CRACK soon!!!

David Attenborough singing as he sweatily dances: "Oh l'amour, what's a boy in love supposed to do? Oh l'amour, what the fuck am i supposed to do?..."