FAMILY IS HARD: REMISE

 

Dorothy: first rule of Family Club: you have no family. because you shouldn't advertise having a family, you should just KNOW INTERNALLY that you have a family, you know who your real family are, you don't need to mention them, that's tacky.

Dorothy: we need groceries, kid. 4 sets of groceries. 

me: i will only drive a 1997 Integra.

Jen R: those beady little eyes for headlights.

Dorothy: but this is the '80s, kid!!!

Rose: the 1997 Integra, the car in every anime...

Dorothy and Stan are naked together in bed in Sophia's room.

me: now this i can help you with. sex is my specialty. i'm a sexpert.

Dorothy: i fucked Stan so hard his bald head grew hair again.

Stan: i'm not just the president, i'm also a client.

Dorothy: but how do i know if Stan is the one? you know? is Stan my soulmate?

Jen: clue: smoke. not Mortal Kombat, not Demi Moore in Indecent Proposal, cigarette smoke.

me: oh i got it. Dorothy, take my cigarette off my fingers, take a drag, and blow cigarette smoke into Stan's mouth.

Rose: are cigarettes contagious? do cigarettes have germs?

Stan coughs like a jackal with strep throat.

Jen: that proves it, only true couples shotgun smoke into the other's mouth like that.

me: that's sexy.

Dorothy: sharing cancer, thanks.

Angela Merkel: i'd never make a boner like that. i know my way around the basepaths. 

Uncle Sigh the horse: is there LUSH soap for horses?

Angela: 50 Charlie Chaplins running around the brown diamond with their picket-wickets out, spilling out of their tramp 1910 pants. 50 little tramps with no lady.

Papa Smurf, smiling: my voice invades your dreams.

Angela: i don't believe in conspiracies in world affairs but i DO believe in conspiracies in baseball!!!

Jen: cooking Shrinky Dinks. that was such a dank time, Land of the Lost...

Gallagher: that's when i was first told Gabe Kotter was my father.

Banksy: poetry is the best graffiti.

Jen: dollar-fifty theaters. back in the day with senior discount and matinee you could watch a life-changing film like Harold and Maude for a quarter.

Blanche: i want it to feel like home again.

me: i got it. i think. i don't know. but i always go to McDonald's when i'm feeling down.

Jen: bazinga.

me: oh yeah, you can get Sweet Tea at McDonald's.

Blanche: thanks, sugah. yeah, McDonald's has cornered the market on DRINKS for some reason.

Sophia: i want to play fair with Fred Flintstone.

me: this one's gonna be hard to pull off.

Jen: leave it to me. family is hard, remember?

i drive Sophia to the local bowling alley.

me: i never drove in my life!!!

Jen: you look cute with the Water Buffalo hat on your head swallowing you up, Sophia. how was it, granny?

Sophia: i glided across the bowling-alley lanes perpendicular on my tiny granny bare feet, on my tippy twinkling toes, lighter than air, floating on a cloud. it was a magical evening.

Jen: sounds like you slid into history.

Sophia: i also licked Fred Flintstone's hole. fair is fair, he licked my bowling ball's hole.

Dave Grohl: you couldn't have real music until you were 15, when you FINALLY got Nevermind on cassette. me smiling at you in the liner notes...

kid with a donated backpack from Goodwill: remember how i only watched Street Sharks? well that was 3rd Grade, this is 4th Grade now and i'm all into Cadillacs and Dinosaurs. i want to show my classmates what i've been up to this summer. this is important to me, dad.

Harlan Ellison: why are you so hardheaded? this is why i never had kids. when i was your age all i did during summer was watch the Saved by the Bell episodes i missed...

Olympic athlete: Gemini, what clothes should i wear to compete in Breakdancing?

Gemini: does not compute.

Kate Douglass: it takes everyone from your small town to lift you up to Olympic glory. it takes a lot of money, you know? what? i got DISQUALIFIED?!!! oh FUCK no. where does that leave me? and the town? with nothing the rest of my life.

handball goalie: i take it back, you can be successful at this position if you're Vishnu...

icecross: the only Winter Olympic sport that matters.

Ice King from Adventure Time: where are all the icebunnies?

Blanche: my lush cunt is in need of some hard Southern comfort.

Rose: i'd call it more your lavish pussy. my St. Olaf sister on Are You Being Served? has purple hair...

Sophia: your cunt is soft, Blanche. you have a soft cunt. you're soft.

Dorothy: it's a deluxe cunt and that's not a compliment.

Jen: in my dream, Harrison Ford is dragging me by the hair caveman-style. we're both wearing Flintstones clothes despite the fact we're in the middle of the Sahara Desert. but then I realize Harrison's not like this, he's gentle, he's nice.

Harrison Ford: come on, Fancyface.

Jen: see? turns out it wasn't me, he was dragging a cactus...

me: in my dream, the 5-cents Psychiatrist Booth from Snoopy comic strips is real. and Charlie Brown is manning it...

Banner Carpets: Doryce on Thursdays...

Abbot Butt perusing 4AM at his monastery: why can't the world always be THIS SILENCE? early morning and it's oh so quiet.

Minster: before sunrise. before all the nonsense starts up again...

Sam the Olympic Eagle: i'm sorry but the basketball symbol at the Paris Olympics looks like two dicks.

bum: i use the cardboard chardonnay carrying case to make my HUNGRY sign.

Boc: it don't matter if the pitbull is INSIDE the truck...

bum: my dog is Benji from the '80s. i let him wander the patisserie, the people foolishly feed him macaroons while i eat all the macarons.

me: i have one shirt i've worn for 40 years.

Jen: but is it of Poshmark selling quality?

David Bowie: all my shirts are posh. i don't own a T-shirt.

George Orwell: i was the first Vaporwave DJ. i predicted the turntables. i hated Nietzsche. i wore platform boots before goth made them cool. i LIVED  the band Ministry...

Roger Federer at Dartmouth: why am i talking out of a Tolkien tree?...

Julie Patzwald: our new band name is Gothlands...

Cole Hocker: i'm David Spade if he starred in Silk Stalkings. i don't need to hock daddy's gold Hermes statue like Catwoman to win the 1500m.

Catwoman: that's Hermes as in a gold Mercury statue...

Camryn Rogers: i'm next in the gold dress game-show-hosting PBS pasta...

Jen: i got a three-wick candle. Keanu is my spirit animal so it's destined to become a John Wick candle...

Mrs. Talbot: I WAS MAUDE!!!

Jen: right? you drove a big-ass Oldsmobile with a BIG-ASS steering wheel so high we only saw the wheel, you were down below pushing the pedals with your hands.

Mrs. Talbot: my heels weren't sexy, i was already 90 in the '80s...

Mrs. Talbot: i was the Little Old Lady from Pasadena in real life. those strawberry hard candies only found in an old lady's purse. it's still funny when i tell that "playing the organ" joke...

Akira Kurosawa at 7-Eleven: omg this Choi BIG-ASS cup of ramen is so fucking good, the chicken flavor is different, it tastes like '80s chicken, you know?...

Belinda Bencic: everyone fucks their coach, right?

Leslie Sbrocco: Belinda Bencic, can i call you BB? B Squared? BM Double? a student is never supposed to have sex with their teacher, right? no matter what the field of study. i learned tennis the hard way, in the USSR. the perfect wedding gift for this taboo couple? a bench scraper...

me: don't disappear.

Jen: we'll get through life together.

William Shakespeare: that's how we used to rhyme back in the day...

Robert Crumb: remember, everyone in the world is unreliable. best to do your art alone.

Mordecai: we're in that time period JUST BEFORE Adventure Time starts, you know? before the Great Global Cataclysm. so enjoy it while you can. watch as much Regular Show as possible, you'll feel better.

Molly Qerim: i've been working since i was 15. i did NOT get this ESPN job on looks. sports journalism is a real thing.

Stephen A. Smith: but you my friend, aintcha?

Molly: we are not friends.

William Shakespeare: Carrie Fisher is a girl after my own heart.

Carrie Fisher on Blue Peter: watch yourself, Will, i'm gonna be a script doctor when i grow up. 

Shakespeare: shit, my secrets...

Carrie: i'm young. sound. fury. i got many more miles on these tires, go ahead, kick them and see what happens.

Juliet: fuck around and find out.

Barcelona Olympics Torch-flame-arrow archer: I DID IT!!! the fire went in the bowl, where's my Gold Medal?...

Professor Farnsworth: with my Fing-Longer i erase that pinata episode of Futurama from your memory.........it's my pinata bat you see...

me: one more precious Golden Girl to go...

   

AKIRA KUROSAWA'S DREAMS: A LUCID DREAM IN BRIGHT FADED COLOR

 

Zac Efron at the Olympic Village.

Zac Efron: remember, no sex. my swim meet's in five, please let me through, watch out for those slippery floors. no i don't watch that Funny or Die Zac Efron's Pool Party from 2009 to get pumped up. the worm in your cafeteria food is that worm from Sesame Street, he's the Olympic mascot.

Eye Luggage: Akira Kurosawa's Dreams and go.

Akira Kurosawa: so this is a very PERSONAL FILM for me, nobody else in the world understands it. and i'm fine with this. this is a great artist's prerogative.

dad: i understand you completely, Aki, and i don't watch motorcycle anime. it's like if i did a movie on the Gilmore Street house in Van Nuys, you know? only my family would understand when i made a reference to the den with the shag carpet, they'd go "oh yeah, Snoopy vs. the Red Baron," no other watching families would come up with that.

Hayao Miyazaki: can you let me out of the pool house? i don't want to sleep in the pool house. it gets cold at night.

Akira: you stay in there till you learn your lesson!!! no more large rubber duckies!!!

Zac Efron: i feel you, Zaki, i hate pools now.

Hayao: we coulda ben Zaki and Aki.

Akira: these were ACTUAL RECURRING DREAMS i had in real life. don't believe me? check out the painting i did of that red fire mountain known as Mt. Fuji. sometimes it helps to get it out on paper and film. i have night terrors, i wake up in the middle of the night screaming thinking i'm Japanese Jesus.

Harley Quinn: our therapy sessions have been helpful. for me, i don't have any friends. it helps to talk in a calm voice. it's weird, i never knew there was a 1920s world...

Ben Franklin: i had the Four Star Dragon Ball, honest. the Six Star is with the Brewster McCloud seagull. when do i use my bifocals to see Bulma naked?

Martin Scorsese: i coulda played Ben Franklin.

Sir Laurence Olivier: know your lines and don't bump into the furniture.

Marilyn Monroe: and by "furniture" he means my tits.

Alaina Moore: am i Alan Moore's daughter? the mystery deepens. i beat Martina Navratilova so badly, 6-0 6-0, she became an American. most importantly, i told Bob Ross to cash in on the Chia Pet thing.

Noah Lyles: torso, yeah, i danced like a toreador out there tonight in that run.

Kamala Harris: America, let's waltz.

Sunshine Through The Rain

Akira: so not to get creepy or anything but i made sure the actress looked and acted EXACTLY like my mother when i was a kid. growing up in some magic village i wish i never left. i don't have mommy issues, it's just i strive for authenticity.

Laertus: it's okay to be a man and vote for Kamala Harris.

Takahashi shakes Akira's hand.

Takahashi: pleased to meet you, master. i mean my hero. yes, sunshowers in Japan take on a more magical quality.

Dirg: in America it's just a sunshower.

Eye: i've heard about these foxes, trickster spirits. but they're so cute, so kawaii, they're kitsune!!!

Akira: spoken like a true goth otaku. don't fuck with foxes, they'll scratch your eyes out. especially when you interrupt a fox's wedding.

foxy bride: do you know how hard it is to get a wedding dress tailored last minute just right for a fox's body with a hole for the tail?

Matthew Fox is the officiant. 

Matthew Fox: this island looks familiar. it looks like Lost. wait were we in Japan the whole fucking time?!!!...

little boy: aren't i a good actor?

Akira: well you know how to wield a tanto knife, you're one of those creepy kids. i wish i had a tanto knife when i was a kid to give the bullies a surprise shiv. 

boy to fox gods: please forgive me. for just wanting to see you to make friends. 

fox gods: sing that Bryan Adams song.

Super Mario: shouldn't there be a law against seppuku for kids?

Akira: remember, in Japan a rainbow is BAD luck...

The Peach Orchard

little boy: aren't i a good actor?

Akira: well you know how to cry, that's it. i cried so much as a kid. i was an only child. well not really, i was an only boy amongst all girls so same thing.

boy: i saw a ghost!!!

sister: don't eat ANY plant in Japan!!! it's like doing acid. 

boy: sis senpai, why do you collect creepy dolls?

sis: why do you watch creepy anime?

living dolls: we are hilarious, we forget we're gods and don't know what to do next. 

Laertus: can we talk about the COLORS in this film? so SATURATED and HEAVY, they warm me up in a blanket.

Akira: right? it's the '90s now, baby!!! you got so used to me in B&W.

Eye Luggage: can i borrow these costumes for when i go to Catholic church?!!!

Julie Patzwald: new name for our goth band: Vatholic.

living dolls: and now, as the spirits of the peach trees, we perform the fan dance of the Presidents of the United States of America!!!

Eye: was this supposed to be a happy ending, sir san?

Akira: nah, the boy wanted a girlfriend and got a weed.

The Blizzard

Akira: remember that British drama show about snow mountaineers?...

Yuki-onna:  i am such a good-looking woman men die on my breasts. they simply give up.

Akira: sounds like my ex-wife. continuing to live is so hard, you know?

mountaineer: nah, the will to live is strong, it always triumphs. that yearning to eat a nice Anthony Bourdain meal for dinner later in the day.

Anthony Bourdain: that's cold. both meanings.

mountaineer: LOOK!!! our five-star hotel was here the whole time!!! it's a reverse mirage!!!

Goku: Four Star hotel.

mountaineer: what's Jack Nicholson's blue frozen head doing here?

The Tunnel

company commander: the way dogs were treated in war, the worst condemnation of mankind there could ever be. 

Greykid, Trinity, Talia, Bowzer, and Scooby: thank you.

company commander: see you Americans never think about the OTHER SIDE of World War II, what we experienced after LOSING that war. what Japan felt. we had to go through a LOT of shit.

company commander: Private Noguchi? is that you? what happened to you?

Private Noguchi: i died. oh you mean the blue skin and black eyes? i think i ate a bad blueberry muffin.

cc: no, you obviously swallowed radioactive nuclear waste!!! you glow like Vaporwave!!!

Noguchi: can't i go back to my parents' village yonder? they're waiting for me with the light on in that house. come on, it's spaghetti night.

cc: but...

Noguchi: think about it, as long as i BELIEVE i'm still alive, i'm still alive.

cc: yes you are right. Japan's religion is wonky. okay fine, knock yourself out, you're a part of the Smurfs family, i get it, it's fun.

cc: but aren't all you men BITTER?

Noguchi speaking for the company: of course. war is the dumbest idea man has ever come up with. why didn't Japan surrender on Day One? could have saved billions of lives...

Crows

Akira: man am i depressed. as blue as this Dutch river. glum as a bum. a general malaise has fallen over my life like black salt. this is the PERFECT time to start painting. i learned just enough French to ask this: ...

washer women: Paris Olympics? Tokyo Olympics?

Akira: no, where's Julie Delpy?

Akira: i mean look at the SETS we had to do for this segment!!! they cost BILLIONS OF DOLLARS to get just right, exactly as the paintings. 

George Lucas: yeah man, why'd you have to build REAL SETS for this?!!! okay okay that's much better, have you miniature and superimposed onto the painting in photoshop, nice and cheap computer stuff, cheers.

Martin Scorsese: why so glum, chum? why is everyone so sad in Japan? is it just the Japanese ethos?

Akira: it's a good thing Vincent van Gogh speaks English. nobody understands me or my art. i just want to sail away on a Laser Radial sailboat down this Dutch river. i never wanted to be a filmmaker, i wanted to be a painter.

Martin: you don't have what it takes, kid, take it from me. i never got any respect when i was alive. or as a director.

Martin Scorsese: this is the first time anyone has ever seen me actually ACT in something.

Akira: you're okay. 

Martin: learning lines is SCARY!!! see i can't fit the WHOLE of the world in the borders of ONE painting, so why try? call me when there are five corners...

Akira: why'd you cut your ear off?

van Gogh: i couldn't get the self-portrait just right.

Akira: inner ear problem?

Mount Fuji in Red

Akira: see everyone forgets Mt. Fuji is a volcano.

Bill Murray: yeah, it's not pretty scenery, not some sugar-topped mountain i fucked Scarlett Johansson on.  

Scarlett Johansson: it wasn't your sex, it was the altitude that made us dizzy.

Master Roshi: this is the live-action version of my heroic Dragon Ball episode!!!

man: why do we make war pretty with all the color coding? this ain't Bjork kindergarten!!!

man: i confess, i contributed to this nuclear fallout. i am but a lowly salaryman, a cog in the machine. 

mother: my baby never went to Chuck E. Cheese!!! it's just not fair!!! maybe if my child only drinks my teat milk and i read him manga for bedtime stories every night?

Akira: people of Japan, do not worry, it was all a dream, it was all a dream, it was all a Godzilla movie...

The Weeping Demon

demon: if i cry i become an angel. 

Akira: we destroyed the Earth. God's gift to us and we destroyed it. 

demon: the plants are filled with nuclear waste, we can't eat anything now, we can't farm. i cheated my customers as a farmer, i voted Republican one too many times.

Akira: it's like we're in a Sesame Street segment on flowers.

van Gogh: i dig. these big-ass dandelions are inspiring. my friend Curly from the Three Stooges wants to chew on them.

demon: i regret becoming a demon. if i knew horny meant THIS and not finally getting some, i'd take off my horn. it doesn't stop once you get eaten by another demon, that's the thing, it just keeps going.

Akira: wailing for eternity at a lake of fire, that is so Meat Puppets.

demon: hey you wanna be a demon like me?

Akira: no, why would i?

demon: fair point.

Village of the Watermills

old man: what are you searching for, stranger?

Akira: an inner sanctum, a way to pull all these disjointed dreams into a cohesive whole, into a viable film. i wander aimlessly forever.

old man: if you don't get married you'll die soon. 

Akira: no electricity?

old man: there's a 7-Eleven nearby, okay? good vibes only.

Akira: how long have you been working on that water wheel?

old man: 40 years.

Akira: doesn't it get dark at night?

old man: fuck the lightbulb, okay? night is SUPPOSED to be dark!!! it's under the pitch-black midnight sky that our village has sex.

Akira: wait was that a Nintendo in your room?

old man: what?

Akira: did you marry your soulmate?

old man: the bitch dumped me but it was my fault, i see that now. look, whatever your name is, life is not hard, it's fucking exciting. what's the alternative? being dead sucks.

Akira, bowing: g'night folks. arigato. may your dreams be your art.

old man: aren't you gonna join in on the happy funeral parade?

Akira: nah that's creepy. i'm gonna walk to the 7-Eleven... 

 

 

 

FAMILY IS HARD: REPECHAGE

 

me: i need to get married this month or i'll be forced to go to the monastery.

Jen R: sounds like something out of The Sound of Music.

me: especially since i'm not dating anyone.

Jen: you need to go to the Golden Girls house.

me: yeah, that's always the place to go for answers.

me: i'm so EXCITED to enter this FAMED kitchen and eat some cheesecake!!!

as soon as the revolving door swings i get hammered by a SLAP from Dorothy. i go FLYING into the hanging ferns so hard my dick flips.

Rose: the ferns are still spinning!!!

Dorothy: listen, kid, you need to practice with a practice family first before you can master life. that's us.

me: i am so PLEASED to meet all your acquaintances.

Dorothy: no. family. friends are easy, family is hard.

me: how was the hurricane?

Dorothy: man fuck you, don't ask about that shit, our entire avenue was in the path of devastation.  

Jen: i remember that singular Saturday...

Dorothy: let's ease you in with chores, help the other girls.

me: i'd rather help you. i have a crush on Bea Arthur.

Dorothy: every man does, kid. fine, fulfill my deepest wish.

me: Jen, can you help me with this? you got the connections.

Jen: i borrowed this witch's wand from Gladyce who sends her love. 

i scootch Sophia over to Dorothy.

me: there, now you two can talk, can relate, can finally understand each other deeply, as if you were sisters, because NOW you're the the same age.

Jen: it always LOOKED like you two were the same age...

Blanche: do me next. if you know what i mean.

me: this one is dangerous, i'm scared of her, Jen!!!

Jen: you just gotta know how to talk to women, how to relate to women of all ages. 

me: i do like gilfs. fine, i'll be your kept boy.

Blanche: no, American men bore me, i want sophistication, glamor, exotica.

Jen takes a quick trip on her private Leonardo da Vinci flying machine to Paris. she comes back with Pucci leggings and a baguette balloon.

Jen: i hope they're your size. BOTH items.

Blanche: they fit like a glove, inside and outside my pussy!!! sugar you are sweet.

me: right? that's what i've been saying.

Jen: French men are the way to go.

Sophia: i have very specific Sicilian tastes.

Jen: i got this. don't you worry your pretty little head about it.

me: thank you.

i fall asleep on Bea Arthur's bosom.

Jen comes back from Macy's with a Kate Spade bag with a bowling ball inside it and driving gloves.

Sophia: i always wanted to be Miss Daisy...

Jen: but you're doing the driving. drive at 100 years old, give us all hope. that bag is a reminder to always live. the ball was spit on by Fred Flintstone himself. the gloves are leather but it is the '80s.

Sophia: i feel i was born to be the mother of the crooks in Goonies, the Fratellis. they are such nice boys...

German: WHY are there so many words for why?...

Mr. Kotter driving a 1972 Honda Civic: ...

King Arthur: the Round Table tournament had a wheel but no pizza...

Pat Sajak: i'm free to be your jester.

me: i eat bouillon cubes.

Jen: what happens, do you turn into Q*bert?

Knorr: our bouillon cubes look like Bubblicious gum...

Suzy Lu: we're on the road...

Kakashi: road trip?

Suzy: ...to 500,000 subscribers!!!

Steejo: so what, mate? who cares? those who have it good get it better? how does that help me not be poor and poorly? i had to kickbox my way out of the slums. my ancestors fought in The Troubles.

Knorr bouillon powder: will replace your Lawry's Seasoned Salt on your eggs...

road race in cycling at the Paris Olympics: ride against the street arrows, it's fine...

talking to herself: or, you know, praying, whatever.

Betty Harp: i'm from the angels, baby.

Dean Boxall: imagine Spicoli with covid...

decathlete from Norway: Val Kilmer is alive.........not in your hearts...

Willow: just needed a bit of magic.

Linda Richman: discus, discuss...

the Kraken wearing a gold chain: ocean pollution is a problem with no solution.

me: it takes two Vanquish to get me in the grocery store.

Jen: i get the frozen strawberries with a Xanax.

Lindy Lenz: i get the frozen maple syrup with a walking stick.

dirt church: where Andy Warhol worshipped.

Sistine Chapel on a pub's ceiling: Sistine-ception.

Billy Corgan: i'm proud of this: the new Smashing Pumpkins album is so hard to spell, it won't land on any charts, it won't sell 1 unit...

Live Secret Samadhi: ...

Michael Jordan: man these youngheads today, they don't last in the NBA, they ain't durable, so they turn to boutique bougie Olympic sports. 3x3 Basketball is not a pickup game, it's a picnic game. 

Jimmer Fredette: i got injured. have a heart, Mike.

me: in my dream i'm in Steel Magnolias. i'm getting my hair done at the beauty salon and all of us are around the big-ass astronaut-helmet hairdryer shooting the shit.

Julia Roberts: i'm gonna die.........i'm dating Richard Gere.

Dolly Parton: oh darlin, that man is too good-looking for his own good. oh course he pays more attention to himself than to you.

Sally Field: Tom Hanks is supposed to be my husband, right?.........i mean in real life...

Maria LaRosa: seasonal edging...

Billy Corgan: i'm not weird. i just played a lot of Forgotten Realms for the new album, okay?...

Kevin Garnett in an Olympic commercial: when i was young, i WASN'T told anything is possible...

in the bush: that's not a white rose, it's a soiled nappy...

Everclear: isn't that the name of a zit cream?

Wheels from Degrassi: ...

powershot: 7 espressos in one espresso cup...

Rowdy Gaines: i got a crush on Torri Huske.

Torri Huske: that rhymed, you little bastard.

Starbucks paper tumbler: the official Olympics cup...

Iman: a mirrored elevator is the best place to have sex. think about it...

David Bowie: i'd rather do it on an escalator. i'm a novice.

Sharmila Nicollet: i'm Frida Kahlo...

Vashti Cunningham: i'm an actual real-life Mount Olympus goddess. my legs GO ON. i got the perfect body for High Jump. i'm Athena.

Nicola Olyslagers: Olyslagers, Olympics, i was born for this. i write in my journal after every High Jump, because unlike Jim Courier, i'm gonna be the next Ukrainian-Australian Hemingway...

Keely Hodgkinson: i only date Gold Medalists...

Mr. Bean: i'll do it.

Mr. Bean: hammer throw, that's dangerous.

chicken for breakfast: only if it's fried...

Melissa Maker: a chiminea is the perfect kiln to cook pizza by the pool...

Leslie Sbrocco: my cunt is a chiminea.

Pati Jinich: we have a chiminea at our Delaware place when we do outdoor barbecue episodes on our front lawn...

Brilliant Minds: if Gregory House took pills but it was a good thing...

Noah Lyles: i'm going to Antiques Roadshow, man...

Woodrow Wilson Classical High School: go here to be an Olympic athlete. go here to get your high-school Humanities degree. go here for the culture, the plays, and your future wife. go here to go to the Lucas high school. go here to BE somebody.

Keanu Reeves: i'm playing Light Yagami...

Rafa Nadal: bad knees.

Blair Underwood: i need 300 eye drops or i have to wear glasses. 

Keanu: did you get the part?

Blair: yeah, i'm playing Lucas from Lucas at the Olympics.

Alice D'Amato: fall to fail, bitches.

chiptune: Vaporwave for video games...

Alvin: ...

Anthony Bourdain: loose carrot, like the loose singing Billy does on the 13th Smashing Pumpkins album...

Billy Corgan: the new Pumpkins record looks like the hole in an acoustic guitar.

Gary Kildall: nah, it's a floppy disk.

Patton: you have a choice, son. die in a war or K-pop star. all you have to do is win Gold in Breakdancing.

Mimi Davila: imagine Maiara Walsh in a cyberpunk dystopia and her head is shaved and grey,..

Shel Silverstein: "And the Green Grass Grew All Around," i came up with that song when i was in kindergarten taught by Bjork...

handball: the sport where the goaltender misses EVERY shot...

Batman: my Batsuit is grey...

kayak cross: that start tho...

Rose: i want to reconnect with my relatives in St. Olaf.

me stroking my skinny chin: hmmm, Olaf, Olaf, so, like, do you want to watch all of Lars von Trier's films?

Rose: no, that guy is CREEPY!!!

Jen: you should have gone with Oliver Stone for Rose. and that's the truth, Ruth.

THE FUTURE IS SCARY: FAMILY IS NEEDED

 

Sunny D wags his tail in the magic forest. the undergrowth sways like a Kurosawa wave.

Sunny D: time for me to be moseying along back to my family.

me: rub it in why don't you.

Sunny D: if it's any consolation, your hand has been healed. the hand you always slide under your closed legs when you sleep. don't do that, it's bad for your hand. it's like an unneeded vise.

Ollie Wride: look at my frame. i have the body of a fucking SPRINTER. this Vaporwave track in Paris is perfect for my brand of loose jogging.

electrosurgery is elective surgery...

Egypt women's beach volleyball team: burkini? come on, isn't this sport hard enough?

Olympic swimmer takes off his swim cap.........there's another swim cap underneath...

Rowdy Gaines: i'm just like you.

Jim Cantore: i will beat you in my sleep, pal.

Rowdy: we both go CRAZY over water...

Jim: i can't swim.

me: on Gilmore St. in Van Nuys in the '80s, we'd all wake up, all my neighbors and i, in bunny slippers and robes and green faces.

D'arcy: looking like me in the "1979" video.

Jen R: and you'd all drink from the hose for breakfast.

Jen: POM is wine but healthier.

cave salamander: i have a lot of aliases...

me: loose carrot for dinner.

Jen: that's it?

Anthony Bourdain: ...

Anthony Bourdain: one more Tahiti wave...

Anthony Bourdain: i'm surfing with Akira Kurosawa. miso for supper. not the soup just the paste. the two of us are eating two tubes of miso paste whilst on our surfboards... 

Jen: surely there are better ways to grab Olympic glory than the high dive off a skyscraper into a bucket of water. like walking weirdly...

Good Earth restaurant: it cost the earth. but wasn't the Earth worth it?...

Bianca Borges: i check the skirt steak with this meat thermometer the way a surgeon would with a needle while performing delicate surgery...

Christopher Kimball: soup was restorative in the first restaurants.........i'm guessing Roman restaurants.........can you open the gate?... 

Madame Pons: new at LUSH, i'm excited about this one, our WOOD SALAD-BOWL BOAT!!! who cares about the salad, YOUR BOWL IS A BOAT!!!

The Twilight Zone "Memories": the tape recorder from Somewhere in Time!!!

Rod Serling: do i look better in the John Travolta white suit or the Superman jumper?

Gabe Kotter: both have great hair.

Eggo: you've never put butter on your waffles...

random poster: i'm gonna fuck you so hard you'll quiver.

Robin Hood: is this the fox?...

Cecilia Phillips: Filipino spaghetti every time. it's the banana ketchup, it matches my dress. no, i know it's PBS but i'm not gonna nip some bud with you.

Mr. Furley: sorry, i thought we made an instant connection.

Cecilia: the news. meatball surgery.

Mr. Furley: i'm basically Alan Alda...

commercial: okay commercial, you actually show the actress showing her HEADSHOT PHOTO to prove she's an actress!!! no AI here. Ketch Fire, that's fire. great name for a ketchup company. 

Super Mario: have you found your calling? my calling is transforming metal into corrugated sculpture with a blowtorch. how'd i find that? no fucking clue. my dream is to coach women's boxing.

Nick from Family Ties: how much longer we gotta be out here in this junkyard, Mario Man? your shorts stink. the Transformers don't exist. i had to hock my earring to buy some Sizzlean. it's not even real bacon!!!

August 1: back to school TODAY?!!! that's mean. oh, school ends on Christmas...

papertarian: a Starbucks vegan who eats meat.

Carmel Hotel asphalt parking lot: tiny volcanos...

Luigi: imagine working in a paint store...

Luther Vandross: how'd you know i use Vidal Sassoon?

Luther Vandross: VANDROSS!!!

Babe Ruth: you had a crush on me when you played Little League. i was your Sampras.

Julie Patzwald: not to be That Guy but i'm gonna have to let Bustamante go. permanently. i play a mean bass. the new name for our goth band is Vandross...

Jen gets a new job at the Ace Hardware kiln.

Jen: i'm picturing sparks flying at my new workplace.........ACTUAL sparks coming out of the kiln...

me: i almost worked at Ace Hardware. but i'm scared of burly men.

Jen: i'm fucking Jennifer Beals, man!!! the steel mill. Flashdance had a happy ending, right?...

Minster: i sweep the floors at the monastery, it's wonderful.

Jen: Ghost KINDA had a happy ending...

Jen: i'm really only doing this job for the pizza.

Suzanne Vega: i went on a date with Jerry Seinfeld. we went to a diner. pile-high pastrami on dark rye. sauerkraut. 

Jerry Seinfeld: drumming on a jukebox?

Suzanne Vega: they hung the oil painting of a nude Bea Arthur above the mantle rather than the Kramer one, it was so Citizen Kane.

Old-Fashioned Potato Ham Chowder and New England Clam Chowder: the Campbell's Chunky soup can version of a Garbage Pail Kid card and its double...

baby friend forever: when you're friends with your ex.

Spooksville swimming pool: look into it...

thought daughter: not a Twilight Zone thing...

Donkey Kong: the gorilla-grip pussy is a myth.

Princess Peach: as is the G-spot...

Mr. Furley: hey have you guys tried those Bananas 'n Cream Eggo waffles?

Carlos Alcaraz: missing your best friend you haven't talked to in a while? start a feud with them on Instagram, that's what i did with Rafa Nadal...

Giorgia Villa: i'm a person but i sound like a place. i'm doing the Cheese-wheel Roll at the Olympics. it's a sport down a hill...

fencing: we're the oldest Olympic sport. back in the day we fenced naked using only our dicks for sabres.

Jen: picture this: we do a podcast were we analyze each other's dreams and do movie reviews.

me: i'd do this for free. it's free therapy.

Joseph Campbell: my favorite film of all time is that Flintstones live-action movie.

me: in my dream i'm on the set of Xena: Warrior Princess. as an actor on the show i'm afforded a tutor rather than school. this sun-spackled afternoon my tutor happens to be wearing a Stussy blouse.

Jen: close call, you could have been on Hercules. you wanted to be Tony Hawk's wife but you had to go to college.

Jen: in my dream i'm on the starting blocks of the 100-Yard Dash at the Olympics. the gun goes off and i'm on the starting blocks of the Olympic pool...

me: underwater or above the lanes?

Jen: imagine underwater racing. underwater swimming, how could that happen safely?

me: underwater lifeguard in a blue Baywatch swimsuit. 

Jen: if it was red you couldn't see it. with a mermaid tail for flippers. swimming lanes made of Necco wafers sponsored by the YMCA of the '80s.

Joe Biden: then why didn't HE do it when HE was President?.........i feel so FREE to say what's REALLY on my mind now that i don't have the pressure of running again...

Eye Luggage: we did JFK, Lae and i have seen Nixon, but i can't do W, i just can't, it's just too much.

Oliver Stone: i understand.

seafoam eggs: only found with the Snorks...

Miss Cleo: yes, shrine priestess is the best job, not phone psychic...

Batman: Caped Crusader: it's like getting new episodes of Batman Beyond!!!...

Bruce Timm: Batman Begone? people are tired of Batman?...

seagulls: let the Round Table convene!!! let Camelot COMMENCE!!!

Carlos Alcaraz: don't worry, i'm your transition from Federer, you can love tennis again...

Trinity: you need to get an egg-frying skillet the same steel as my cat bowl...

Jen: what we eating?

me: i'm done with DoorDash.

Jen: TOMORROW my babies. pork chops!!! you know? what fast-food place does pork chops?...

the dog is nowhere to be found, gone. i take my backpack and exit the magic forest. i have nowhere to go. i fit inside that one skinny aisle-lane for parked grocery carts outside a BevMo.

me: they never have the drink i want.

i stay there aimlessly, standing up. the hours grow, i grow a grey beard. passersby pass by. dirty grey beard. i never move again, i WAIT there for all time, endlessly, till the next universe. as if waiting for a bus is a thing, the Greyhounds of my youth won't help me this time. i'm waiting for something to happen but i have nothing written down in my planner. my schedule is empty pages. callous calendar. as if the bus was going somewhere. i have a walking stick but i use it only to tap a tiny tune out on the sidewalk. my eyes grey and dry. waiting for ANYTHING to happen...

Sunny D: see? not the Futurama ending you wanted. that's better for me as the dog. Futurama is just a show...