Tai: ready for our Misogi?
Luke Russert: where are you taking me? blindfolded?
Tai: have you calmed down from last week?
Luke: yeah pretty much. there was a new teller at the grocer's yesterday, Eric the Red. Eric is good people, he takes good care of me, he gives me exact change, actual dollar bills, despite a debilitating physical disease where he can't stop moving his body. it's not dancing. makes you think, you know? you never have it as bad as others.
Tai: oh yeah i know Eric the Red, he helped me yesterday, too. he keeps a green stressball by his cash register that he's constantly palming after every ring-up. SQUEEZING THE FUCK outta that ball is why he has two rows of pearly white teeth still.
Luke: did you flirt with him?
Tai: i flirt simply by breathing...
Tai: the Misogi is an ancient Shinto ritual purification. it's water therapy that doesn't cost an arm and a leg. let's get into our bikinis and do our tai chi under this waterfall here.
Luke: the spray from this fall is getting in my mouth.
the next rock over, Gladyce is doing her jumping jacks completely naked.
Gladyce: it's not a true pull-up unless you're shirtless as the rain or water falls on you, drips down your chest, as you pull up to a slippery crag. it has to be in the style of David Carradine from Kung Fu. you gotta do your push-ups upside-down...
Luke: is the water supposed to be 100 degrees?
Tai: no. not in these exercises, not on Planet Earth.
Luke: it's too quiet under this waterfall. in this dark cave. i get meditation but i'm not a man to keep his eyes closed for long. can i talk?
Tai: so talk.
Luke: you get more beautiful EACH AND EVERY TIME i repeat-watch your Taiwan commercial. i have that commercial on VHS speed-dial.
Tai: now THAT's how you get Brownie points from me. i like this Luke. the nice Luke. not the weirdly mean Luke. you can't be an asshole AND happily married, you just can't, it's not right, it's not cosmically right, there's gotta be SOME justice in the world...
Jen R and i are at the beach.
Jen R: rip currents...
me: and tides...
Jen R: it's all very Robert Redford and Meryl Streep. do you like my green-and-brown-striped one-piece Gatsby bikini as i lay on this Beach Blanket Bingo blanket with Gidget's huge face on the blanket?
me: that is so you.
Jen R: i shade myself from the sun with a drink umbrella.
me: you know why couples go to the beach? it's pregame for their sex life later. the woman gets to check out the man topless to see if she likes what she sees.
Jen R: and the man gets to compare beach-reading books with his potential wifey. what's the perfect beach book?
me: Munsters scripts. in hardcover. why are all beach books paperback?...
Jen R: what's the perfect beach food?
me: i have it right here in this glass tupperware.
Lily Munster in a bikini: the glass is melting...
me: pesto penne pasta.
Jen R: yummy.
Lily: i love the shade of green of that pesto!!!
Lindy Lenz: with EXTRA EXTRA EXTRA CHEESE!!! the pesto's gotta have CHEESE in it!!! that's what makes the sauce, it's gotta be CREAMY, not rough relish. pesto's gotta be OLIVE-colored...
coq au vin: cock in wine...
Lorne Michaels: SNL is the ultimate workshop.
Big Bird: ...
Leslie Sbrocco: 7 drinks add up, know what i'm sayin? hey, waiter, floor manager, this set STINKS!!!
director: what do you mean?
Leslie Sbrocco: when we're discussing the dishes for 30 minutes around this table, wine here is okay, but does FOOD need to be on this table? this chicken went RANCID within the 30 minutes...
gray in Monterey: perfect.
Jen R: do you know the coolest thing to do with the tiny yellow broom? rake the leaves with your left hand when you're right-handed...
Ted Danson on the golf course holding a club, smiling: can't poop? check your snail mail...
Marty Scorsese: if Titanic is your favorite movie of all time, i can't hate you, you know?...
Morgan Bolling: shot in the dark here, but why don't I get my OWN show? right? i could be PBS's Rachael Ray...
bottle of Pearl Milling pancake syrup: there's a little sticker on our bottle that says Aunt Jemima: same taste, different name.........that kinda defeats the purpose, doesn't it?...
Yellowstone Symphony > Yellowstone
Norwegian forest cats: so magical they're invisible.
Maui: come on, fire hurricane, not here, ANYWHERE ELSE but here. here is supposed to be paradise. here is supposed to be a protected paradise.
Aang: sorry...
Hoe Avenue: a real place. a real PEACEFUL place...
Elisabeth Anderson Sierra: my mom calls me Milk Goddess...
Eye Luggage: Radiant is the Blood of the Baboon Heart, Venture Bros. Season 8 all tied up into one reasonably-long movie. and go.
Jackson Publick: oh come on, this sucked.
Dirg: if you're so public, why aren't you on any internet thing with an address?
Jackson: we had Season 8 all in the can and ready to go, bright shiny crystalline storylines all ready to be devoured and wrapped up, and adult swim goes and shoots us through the heart in the dark at the 11th hour and it's all suddenly over.
Doc Hammer: we had to SMUSH all of Season 8 into this one movie thing.
Jackson: do you know how humiliating it is to have your life's work end with a DIRECT-TO-VIDEO movie? what are we, Blockbuster? i mean at least put it in THEATRES, man!!! what are we, The Jetsons?
Doc: on the plus bright side, we DID get to do this instead of not doing this and leaving everything on an eternal cliffhanger.........i, especially me, am trying to look at life in a better light, i've been through pain, much too much pain. it's the little things, you know? those small miracles that keep you going...
Futurama: sorry, guys, we actually GOT to do OUR Season 8...
Laertus: so this isn't about King Kong, right?
Rusty Venture: don't get so nervous, Dean. your fidgeting makes me fidget. fidget my furrowed brow.
Dean: pop, your Starbucks cup is glued to the table.
Venture Bros.: all of our titles are emo-song titles. Hank and Dean have the hair for it. Pee-wee Herman invented slamdancing...
Brock Samson: wait, so the boys' mother is my girlfriend i had with the red hair except with blond hair, right? both women had eyepatches i think. and a heart tat on their tit. i'm reading her TikTok now, where everything is explained with videos instead of words...
Rusty: next time, text in text...
Queens: hip-hop was born here 50 years ago...
Hank Venture: my brain broke into 4 split personalities because my girlfriend dumped me by sleeping with my brother. my brain is Swiss-cheese mashed-potatoes oatmeal. my mind is a tablet of amphetamine antacid. so i wear this Batman mask now. Batman is a very sick rich mental patient, he's basically a schizophrenic without a gun. would this have happened to me if Sirena's tits were just ONE SIZE SMALLER? why do bosses have to have daughters?...
The Mighty Monarch: this name is getting old. the whole butterfly thing is getting old. call me Malcolm. or Fitzcarraldo!!! that's a BADASS name!!!
Laertus: okay i just have to say, i don't know why this is, but i CAN'T STAND Gary, Henchman 21. something about him, his cheesy personality, he's too arrogant for his own good. he became the Monarch's sidekick, his #1 best friend, he moved up the pecking-order Batman Pole, because of NOTHING. the writers made him a lucky bastard. his irritating voice is that special combination of Ray Romano cocky. his personality is out over his skis. he doesn't deserve his good fortune, give it back to Mother Teresa. you can't be both Brad Garrett AND the men of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia...
The Monarch: so this movie will FINALLY answer all the questions, right? i am Rusty's clone. we have the same father who is ME. but WHY do i HATE Venture so much?
Gary: so you can love me.
The Monarch: our mother is Christie Brinkley from Vacation.
Rusty in a glass skyscraper with stones in his pocket: oh no Dean, you are NOT wearing that Empire University sweater!!! who do you think you are, Spider-Man? you are NOT on the lacrosse team, Dean!!!
Dean: i've been a crap brother. i need to find my brother. so i can find myself. or something. Dr. Orpheus, where is your daughter Triana?
Dr. Orpheus: do you really want to know?
Dean: no.........does she have 3 kids?
Dr. Orpheus: do you really want to know?
Dean: no.........who's the daddy?.........is it Jason Aldean?
Dr. Orpheus: yeah it's Jason Aldean, Dean.
Dean: it's Jason Aldean, yeah that's what i thought, i knew it would be Jason Aldean.
schmatte: Raggedy Ann or Andy, who came first? where schmetterling comes from!!!
Golem: we cause no harm. we merely play baseball for the Yankees with Yogi Berra.
several: it can mean two, too. which would be four.
commination: divine vengeance from not remembering your locker number in high school...
Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: call me Sheila from now on. Brick Frog, he's like Willy Loman.
Phantom Limb: i only know the CliffsNotes version of Willy Loman's character...
Hank: wait, this is the train from Lars von Trier's Nymphomaniac...
Sheila: taking all bets, Brock vs. Red Death.
Shore Leave: i'd take them BOTH to my bed. at the same time.
Orpheus: we're using the golden letters from Robin Williams's What Dreams May Come as our guide.
Jefferson Twilight: you won't get any of the New Jack City references if you haven't seen the movie...
Dean: pop doesn't allow me to watch movies. only progressive rock...
Jefferson: you know what i call a person who meddles in people's affairs like you did with Hank? who mess up people's lives by taking what's not theirs? a neighbor.
Orpheus: holy-water windshield-wiper fluid? cool.
Jefferson: got a hot tip from Ice-T's car insurance...
Pete White: so i'm supposed to look like Doc Hammer.
Billy Quizboy: you're telling me i LOOK like Jackson Publick?!!! no wonder i don't go out in public...
Rusty: did STEVE JOBS ever delay a launch?!!!
Steve Jobs: my iPads never played music...
Mantilla: i have a grating voice? i brought this thing to a boring standstill like a lead balloon? my character sucks? i left Broadway for THIS?!!!...
Mantilla: like tortilla...
Mantilla: don't call me throat meat again, that's really disgusting. gentlemen, i've seen it all, i won't be fazed and affected by your porn histories.
Gary: my porn is flowers. it's porn of flowers, just flowers.
Gary: what's this QR code do?
Brad Garrett: Jimmys Johns.
Sheila astride Red Death's hellhorse Daisy in the sky: WHOA NELLY!!! how do you make this thing STOP?!!!
Red Death: this horse was designed to ride on water, to GLIDE ON WATER to make the hellhorse EXTRA RAD!!!
Dermott Fictel: Bobbi St. Simone, she was Gidget at first and then she transitioned into being Sarah McLachlan...
Dermott Fictel: or you could just ask Jerry Garcia for help...
Jefferson: i loved Blacula. Blacula was revolutionary in the world of Hollywood cinema. Blacula made me the man i am today. but Blacula made me a loner...
Monarch: Rosana, Toto, one s or two s's? Roxanne, Police, two n's or two x's? this laser makes a butterfly-shaped hole in the glass that only ants can fit through.........brilliant!!! NANO-ANTS!!!
Professor Farnsworth: good news, everyone!!! we secured the rights to use the song not sue the song.
Rusty: the Happy Birthday Song?
Farnsworth: no, "It Takes Two".........the Marvin Gaye song? oh, the Rob Base & DJ E-Z Rock song.
Fry: the only rap song that's public domain...
Chuck D: i don't want to wear this Yankees cap, i'm a Mets fan, but nobody wears a Mets cap in the hood for prestige...
Snoopy on the scope: flying skyscraper? obviously Red Baron's work...
Mantilla: there's a wall in my apartment with a ton of surveillance photos of Sheila in her nightgown enjoying a Stouffer's TV dinner whilst watching golf. a red string zigzags all over the wall touching all the photos. i know what this looks like but i'm here to tell you that this is the Red String of Fate...
Bobbi St. Simone: wait, so i'm NOT actually Hank and Dean's MOTHER?!!! what a dud. what was the point of this whole thing then? i left Glee for THIS?!!!...
Hank: was my pop in love with you?
Bobbi: sure he was. because i was the mother he never had. i gave him all the Saturday-morning cereal he could eat.
Bobbi: it is so HEARTWRENCHINGLY WARM AND SQUISHY that you call your father pop.
Bobbi: the sex wasn't real. because i was invisible. both meanings. Force Majeure had a grating voice. i still have no idea how to pronounce his name. is it maJOR or maYOR?
Hank: why should i leave Coma World? the real world sucks. why can't i live in the dream world? it's a better world. and the dream world and the real world are just two different types of worlds. why can't i CHOOSE to live in the dream world forever? and not be woken up in the middle of the night shaken by the shoulders because i have to pay the DMV a tax...
Hank: why'd you sleep with Sirena, Deano?
Dean: cos she's hot.
Hank: oh right.
Sheila: feckless men. yes. i wish they were fuckable men. but this is the whole cosplay world thing, you know?
Ven-Tech Tower in outer space free-falling: can't use Dua Lipa's "Levitating" anymore, call up Tom Petty at his Destinos ranch...
Rusty: i have to donate my liver for you?
Monarch: i'm The Monarch, not Rick Sanchez!!!
Rusty: i only have baboon blood.
Monarch: perfect. it's AB, right?
Sheila: Dr. Venture is kinda cute. i call him Thad for Thaddeus, not Rusty like everyone else. it's our own little thing. but he's too goody-goody for me. this is the stuff of GREEK LEGEND!!!
Monarch: Greek Tragedy more like. like Oedipus.
Sheila: i want YOU, Mal.
Monarch: PLEASE, MY LOVE, TAKE ONE AT LAST.
The Monarch hands Sheila a lozenge.
Rusty: but WHY do you HATE me so much?
Monarch: because we're clones. every time i look at your face you remind me that i can be a better man, i hate that. it was a blessing that we got to do this one last time and a blessing that others got to see it. promise me one thing, promise me one thing, brother, at my funeral play the song "Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm" by the Crash Test Dummies...
Jerry Garcia: Hank, a Swiss watch has complications. complications make a watch special. complications make a life worth living. it's Latin for choose your family.
Hank: so you're saying when i grow up i'm gonna be Roger Federer?
Jerry Garcia: you know what, fuck you, kid. i tried being peaceful my whole life but i can't with you. bite my long hair. watch as i turn my Muppet-sized head away from you. i'm J.K. Simmons, goddammit.
JG Thirlwell: call me Foetus. "Tuff" by me, the theme song at the end of every episode, you missed hearing that song each week, didn't you.
Trent Reznor: nice drums.
Queensryche: nice brass section.
JG: i've worked with EVERYBODY. with this song i have surpassed James Bond, that is the dream of every Australian...
H.E.L.P.eR.: wait, an artificial womb? robotic wombs? THIS is the future? we can't live in a sexless world. a sexless world is no fun. this does NOT bode well for the future...
Triana Orpheus: do i still have a skull tattoo on my leg? it was a blessing to watch this movie. from Mars. it was a blessing that it was made and we all saw it...
Doc Hammer: okay folks, let's sit down and all discuss what this thing is REALLY about: my life. Triana Orpheus. Triana, Tri, the 3-pronged guild, get it? like a trident. at cons all people want to know is where Triana went. well guess what, TRIANA'S MY EX-WIFE!!! OKAY?!!! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?!!! i couldn't write for the character of Triana anymore, ever again, it would bring back all those hard memories in a flood. and who would we get to voice her?.........Triana, baby, come back to me. Triana, my ex-wife, i just want to HEAR YOUR VOICE ONE MORE TIME. i'm going through a lot of trauma here. drawing cartoons helps. g'night folks.
