UP THE ACADEMY: THE HARDEST ACADEMY TO FIND

 

Phil Knight barefoot: kids, learn from me. i don't selfie everything, no record-button, i LIVE THE MOMENT and trust my eyes and mind later. it takes a special kind of person to be able to pull that off these days. social media is for suckers. oh, and Pablo Torre is SO COOL.

me: i know, right? i love his style. his erudition, his vocabulary gourd. he went to the best colleges and wisecracks with the best of them, especially Tony K. and can take a joke and is a self-admitted nerd.........sports nerd. and he has a family. i envy him, i wish i had a family.

Capp: the thing is, how long do you wait? the girl can wait another 20 years, she's young. YOU on the other hand have 2 more years to live. i mean, can't SHE MAKE THE FIRST MOVE FOR ONCE?!!!

Tony Kornheiser: i am your soft-spoken lowly grandfather who went to Princeton in the 1890s.

William Hurt: i'm no Packer but i did do a dark retreat in Altered States. lots of mud packed on to make the roof of the spirit hut. the crew played a prank on me since this was my first movie. haze the rookie, they switched out my cup of native Mexican Indian mud for ayahuasca. i thought i was drinking a melted mud pie but at that moment I SAW MY DEATH. that's when i knew i was gonna die early...

Doryce: girl, Barbra Streisand, you go girl, i'd do THE EXACT SAME THING with Robert Redford in The Way We Were...

gullywasher: no longer songle...

five foot curls: waves, not foot curls

Lance Armstrong: i do itasha now.........what, it's not a cringe painmobile, i do itachari the bicycle art...

Lance Armstrong: hey at least i'm not a cop on a bicycle, that's just silly and stupid-looking.

Disco Sally: follow me, crones, i know where all the late-night club action is. and the location of all the orange juice.

John Travolta: ...

Gladyce: i only drink apple juice, dear.

Doryce: Crisco Disco sounds so naughty and lathery!!!

the crones at the DMV.

Gladyce: i don't know how to work these highfalutin computer screens!!!  i don't do computer stuff!!! let's return to PAPER STUFF!!!

Doryce: i'll help you, dear. as i sit on this chair, my back is killing me cos i walk with a cane in my back. remember, the button isn't pushed unless you push it with a pencil eraser. THERE, you got your Real ID card, you can enter an army base by flying your broom through. but you can't vote, i deregistered you from voting, you can't vote now, that whole voting thing was too complicated.

Gladyce: thank you, dear.

the crones at 5AM jumping jacks.

Doryce: too early, dear. even the woodpecker hummingbird is sleeping.

Gladyce: sorry.

the crones at Pizza Hut.

Doryce: WHERE'S THE GODDAMN PIZZA HUT IN MARINA?!!!

The Noid: INSIDE the Taco Bell. there's no Pizza Hut signage, just the Taco Bell sign.

Gladyce: is this really New York pizza? don't try to fool the granny, sonny. i've lived in New York.........37 times. 

Doryce: it tastes like a Pizza Hut pizza with a better crust and more pepperoni.

The Noid: isn't it weird to eat a pizza at 10AM? it's not quite lunch but it's after breakfast.

Eye Luggage: Up the Academy and go.

Robert Downey Sr.: this is ONE OF THE WORST FUCKING THINGS IN HISTORY.

Robert Downey Jr.: i know, right? tell me about it. i'm ashamed that i was in it. that's me in the soccer scene. i am EMBARRASSED of you, pops, that you directed this, and the entire family.  but it was the only way we could get the money so i could buy my Nintendo NES Entertainment System greybox that year. 

William Gaines: MAD Magazine disowned ourselves from this movie. we got a red cent in exchange and it was worth it.

Ron Leibman: I KNOW ME TOO!!! this character Major Vaughn Liceman is THE VILEST CHARACTER IN HISTORY, a cinematic crime, he's worse than Dracula, Frankenstein, the Mummy, and Dahmer combined. i mean i played the gay angel in Angels in America, i'm a mild-mannered man, i don't want to be forever stained with the legacy of being known for this troglodyte who rapes then lusts, racebaits then preens, sodomizes then censures, bullies then backs off, and is comfortably confidence about it all. isn't that the very essence of a sociopath? this man has a WARPED sense of friendship. Alice wouldn't serve me at the diner for a long time. i am understandably universally-acclaimed for being uncredited. you know privates have told me in private that they all want to murder their drill sergeants. i mean i was the cartoon husband of Malory Archer on Archer, i want to be known for being that silly disco kook, not THIS GUY!!!

Stacey Nelkin: i give good neck. i do a lot of necking and i do it good. i BANKED MY ENTIRE CAREER on THIS MOVIE, it's true, i gave up roles to play the "star" of this film hoping it would catapult me to fame and fortune like a Meatballs or an Animal House. if i hadn't done this movie i would have been acting opposite Harrison Ford in Blade Runner.........*Replicant sigh*.

Harry Teinowitz: i am painfully obviously trying to be the John Belushi of this godawful movie. the movie that comes AFTER the hit trying to bank is always bad. Animal House For Kids this was NOT. Ververgaert? really? Ververgaert?

The Verve Pipe: ...

Tom Poston: Sisson, get it? cos i'm the sissy.

Barbara Bach: sigh, i got two large howitzers. that i use as teaching tools for my students in class. and as my tits.

Leonard Frey: Keck? come on.

Dirg: i liked the '80s. Reagan was in charge and there was no political correctness. people hung out and had fun joking around with each other, you know?

Alfred E. Neuman: that is one CREEPY Alfred E. Neuman mask. YOU be rubber i'll be glue!!! i know i have an inherently freaky face but i got Texas Chainsaw Massacre vibes going on here. 

Ralph Macchio: my name is Chooch? like the Van Nuys Blvd. guy? this was my first movie as you can see, the director told me to lay on a THICK THICK THICK New York accent THICK. i wanted a long career in the business so i said AYE!!! 

Chooch's father and bodyguards: it's shape up or ship out, son. it's the '80s now, that's what we do, we send our children to military school and forget about them.

Chooch: but i did learn my lesson. from Mr. Miyagi.

dad: he's the competition, son, don't count, he's Toyota. 

Chooch: i could karate-chop your entire mob army any time i want to, you know that, right dad? i'm going to this academy VOLUNTARILY.

Wienberg: not Weinstein

Ike: my dad is a faith-healer, that's how he gets laid. he's an atheist at night. i miss my mom. but i do like all the stepmoms dad has brought home to meet me, they're all so sexy and so strangely into me!!!

Hash: it's the '80s, man, what can i say? i am Full '80s Arab, we were the enemy back then, what are you gonna do. and yes, hash has a double meaning, i do in fact sell marijuana as i'm supposed to. i have a nice calming English voice to my accent.

Oliver: can i fuck Stacey Nelkin while she's at that perfect age?

dad.gov: please sir i want some more. i mean sure go ahead, that won't interfere with my reelection campaign, there's no Twitter yet, all affairs are still secret, the public has no idea what's going on behind closed doors.

old old old old generalisimo: the Patton American flag, get it? i don't get the reference. and i'm so old i was at that actual war.

Liceman: that's not a foreboding wind you're feeling, that's my foreboding fart. i'm no mophead. hello, boys, i am Horschack from Welcome Back, Kotter.

Liceman: unfortunate name as i shampoo my hair every day. this is me AFTER i went to this military academy to straighten up!!!

Liceman: please kindly repeat everything i say THREE TIMES. three's a magic number you know.

crones: ...

Butch Academy: yep, we went there.

boy recruits: when do we see our parents again?

girl recruits: only on Parents' Night. this is basically college for kids.

Alfred E. Neuman: the pigeon is pooing on my shoulder. my helmet didn't protect me. i turned grey from envy. then i move my pewter arms and legs back and forth and do a dance with Bert!!!

Hash: get it? i'm at a gas pump. cos i'm the oil boy. how much? is this pay-station or free?

redneck: let me calculate the math by spitting on the ground and abacusing the numbers in the dirt.

Hash: you mean sand.

redneck: how much for a family affair?

Ike: why the black guy gotta be the only one riding on the hood of the classic car? i hate being named after a white President.

Liceman: these photos are incriminating but there's no risk if they don't reach a newspaper. you can get out of this, boy, if you let me rape your girlfriend. putting out, that's what you '80s kids call it now, right?

recruits: we're club kids, sir.

Liceman: gays all around in the '80s. 

Liceman throws his book of I Ching out of his locked desk drawer before anyone sees...

Rodney: i was the mole. what can i say? i can't play pool.

Bliss: isn't it sketchy how i'm coming on to a young boy?

Ike: no need to worry, Madame Teacher, you're a hot woman so it's natural. 

Bliss: my illegally young students. what's the trajectory for a war blimp?

Ike: that physics only works in Batman. 

Bliss: sigh, my breasts are battle blimps. i've tried to teach you youngsters gun safety.

Ike: by rubbing the guns with polish, yeah, i don't know...

Liceman: Big Band music is the best!!! oh you can't blame my sexual proclivities uh pervert passions, i have Latino running in my blood like Desi Arnaz!!!

Liceman: i'm not wearing a dress, not technically, this was all done within the rules of BDSM.

Liceman: damn that Kodak and that instant camera he invented just before suiciding himself. it's not blackmail, not technically, if the pictures don't reach a newspaper. ain't the '80s grand?  

Liceman: soccer? what's soccer?

Pele: soccer.

Liceman: oh soccer, right, we'll play clean, no pushing, no shoving, no flopping.

Rodney: i rocketed my commanding officer's quarters, does that count as an official kill?

Liceman: oh great the movie's ending with the Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind loop again...

Alfred E. Neuman: i stand there with my hitchhiking thumb, not saying a word, only speaking in balloons, it's creepy...

Eye Luggage: the ONLY REASON to look this movie up at some obscure cam-grab site is for THE SOUNDTRACK!!!

Laertus: yaaaaass. that smooth '70s rock. Smooth Seventies. 8-Track Rock.

Capp: i see her everywhere. now that she's left. magic mama, mama magic, Benihana cute hatness. i see her on every episode of Seinfeld, on every episode of Three's a Crowd. every episode of Bewitched especially. all the '80s TV show intros and '90s torch songs i put up. i see her on graffiti walls and paint profiles. eating New York pizza at Baltimore museums. in every song and music video and meme i post. i don't care about others' online responses, i only care about HER response, HER opinion. she was the only one who made this place fun. she was the only reason i was there. the Woodstock, the Beatles, the willingness to play. to be silly, to initiate, to respond, to engage. the peace, the love, the split slit heels. her sexy shrug. the 9/11 which never goes away. Bjork by the ocean. she's not related to Melissa Maker but she is. and those EYES of hers, those haunting eyes of hidden pain. leave a pin in it. understanding women don't grow on trees. can you get drunk on Gummiberry Juice? g'night folks.

CHROMEBOOK CITY: THERE'S NOTHING COOLER THAN SKATEBOARDING TO SCHOOL

 

Tony Hawk skateboards to school. i see him grinding down the sidewalk, he takes a sharp right with his deck and sparks fly from his wheels. oh yeah, the two of us go to the same grade school as kids.

Less wearing a helmet despite only walking on the sidewalk: WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?!!! 

me: and whose presence are we in? why it's the founding member of Flock of Seagulls.

Tony Hawk: very funny. i am however the first person ever to skate in Chuck Taylors.

Less: hey i saw your picture on a milk carton. yeah that was you the boy in the well the boy stuck in that pipe. makes sense, you would go on to skate on and in pipes.

Tony: dude that's not funny.

Less: oh, sorry. i'm awkward around people. i was just trying to be cool.

me: dude you can't be cooler than Tony Hawk!!!

Less: wait but are we even ALLOWED to skateboard to school?

Tony: hadn't checked. i wake up, shower under sundrops, eat my bowl of cereal whilst watching SilverHawks and My Hero Academia Season 5, and go with the flow bussin' my front door open into outside with my board.   

Tony parks his skateboard in the first RESERVED FOR TEACHERS ONLY parking spot in the lot next to the First Period building.

Tony: you guys, meet me back here after school right at 3PM, i'm gonna take you to a place where you guys are gonna learn a few new tricks.

Less: i've never had sex.

Tony: SKATE tricks, dude.

Tony Hawk, Less, and i are fiddling with the first fidget spinners: locker locks.

Less: what's that sticker on the back of your board?

Tony: a metal hawk skull. it's my own sticker.

Less: oh cool, i thought it was Metallica.

me: wait, skateboarding is a BRAND?!!! it's not just a hoodlum's inner-city dreamscape?

Tony: mainstream that deck!!! dude what is up with these combination locks? i've been standing here for 11 minutes, i haven't been spinning this much since i did that ollie grind at the Sherman Oaks Galleria.

Less: what's your combination?

Tony: 1111

Tony Hawk: so how's the Tiny Tempest going?

me: oh that's right, that's what you're naming my Chromebook this week. it's awesome, dude. i never DREAMED i could have so much space to myself again!!! there's so much space in the back of it to put my three cans of Coke no problem, no risk of spillage onto the keyboard.

Tony: yeah that's rad. hey how do you work these vending machines? i'm thirsty for a Mr. Pibb.

Less: you have to inject neon into the coin slot.

me: or if you don't have neon in your OP-shorts pocket you can just use a neon coin, do you have a neon coin, Tony Hawk?

Tony: just the one on my skateboard wheel holding the frame together, the coin acts like a bolt. Ocean Pacific, i flew over their headquarters on the beach. on my board.

Less: those Bermuda shorts with the front pockets are overpowered.

it's Second Period and time for P.E. the crones are outside on the grass inside the track oval waiting for class to let out.

Doryce: when will the class be released? i'm waiting for my waifu. i'm waiting for the dears to run. and for my beefcake Alabama to stumble into the weightroom.

Gladyce: patience, dear, we're 200 years old we can wait a little longer. 200 years median age. why are we shirtless? it's COLD out here!!!

Doryce: that's why you do your jumping jacks, dear, to warm up.

me: my abbot, Abbot Butt, left the monastery to become the new Abbot of Unreason...

Droids playing in the neon underground library: why hasn't live-action Star Wars done a speeder race inside a glass tube yet?...

E.Z. Taylor from Three's a Crowd: hi, i'm the surfer dude. i'm not the guy from The Blue Lagoon, okay?

George Lopez in the parking lot: in my new show i have the wackiest '70s-London-punk haircut of all time. it's a WA-CHA situation.

Takahashi under the neon underground parking lot: the cybertruck.........okay Musk you win. more of these anime autos. more of these manga-mobiles.

Jamie Lee Curtis by the bike rack: so is the Mama's Family house in Missouri or Mississippi?

Vicki Lawrence: it's in your Halloween movie.

songle: that wet dripping desperation of being single, realizing you actually CANNOT MAKE IT ALONE...

at the Sherman Oaks Galleria.

me: you're late.

Tony Hawk: my boss kept me an hour at Pizza Hut teaching me how to fold a New York pizza properly. 

Tony Hawk: watch me. as i ollie-grind this waterfall coming out of the glass elevator on the second floor and land perfectly on the marble linoleum bottom floor below. this is called a mall grab.

Less: but.........HOW? how did you ollie the waterfall when there's no metal pipe inside the waterfall, it's just water.

Tony: i'm Jesus. did you ever win the St. Cyril's Marathon?

Less: no.

Tony: then you're a no-lapper.

Tony Hawk: come on, boys, join me as we get ourselves a couple of Orange Juliuses and suck off JUST the frothy frozen orange juice concentrate pulp part.

 

 

FROM VENICE VESPA TO VAN NUYS VILLAGE

notes:

* Isaac Newton Van Nuys: i made your home.

me: so? come on, no WAY that's your real name.

Isaac Newton Van Nuys: the apple guy was named after ME!!! look at the grimoire in my hand there, that's the source of all black magic.

me: tracks, Van Nuys is a magical place. especially the train tracks. it's not a home to me, it's a sanctuary from reality. it's not a place, it's an area outside of time and space. it's here i flee in my romper to watch Romper Room and Land of the Lost and play Intellivision on a sunshine carpet.

Jenny Drugan: i look EXACTLY like that Wonder Years chick.

Isaac Newton Van Nuys: that's not my gravestone, that's the size of my actual penis.

* Gladyce: when i do my jumping jacks out on the cobblestone in the morning in my lotus-flower socks, i make sure not to get them stuck in the grooves of the cobblestone hexagons.

Doryce: you are one groovy chick, dear. hexagrams are okay for us.

* me in my trenchcoat: the neon waft emanating from the garlic glow of the Bagel Bakery hits my detective nose like the noir smoke from an alleyway in the morning.

* Jack Tripper: hey cutie, wanna join me for my morning jumping jacks?

Gladyce: oh my.

Doryce: NO FAIR I SAW HIM FIRST!!!

Gina Lollobrigida mounting a Vespa: i HAD him first.

Gladyce: you do jumping jacks in the morning, too?

Jack Tripper: of course, i did jumping jacks every morning when i was in the Navy on a tiny tugboat in nothing but my tighty-whitie Hanes underwear. the jumping jack is named after me, Jumping Jack Tripper.

* Claudine Pepin: don't hate me because i'm a nepo baby, hate me because i'm the only woman to achieve LUXURIOUS RED HAIR. i make ginger look GOOD!!!

Michelle Pfeiffer: you're a Kitten? HA!!! met the Cat!!! meow.

* Canadian goodbye: it's sweet.

Melissa Maker: like maple syrup.

* John McEnroe: my car? the Subaru Brat.

* menta: a smart color. the color of Don Flamenco's boxing gloves.........the second time.

* Mireille from French in Action: DON'T TOUCH MY CHIGNON!!!

* night school: it's creepy, but it's necessary.

* Vicky Bradford: that is such a soap opera name.

* Brando: Reflections in a Golden Eye? yeah that's when we all sit around in a drum circle jerk reminiscing how the video game GoldenEye turned out to be the essential warm sleepover of the '90s.

Lucio Rossi: hello fellow Italian mob boss. the year was 1997. 007 in 1997. James Bond was cool again. this was the only thing anyone remembers from the Nintendo 64.

Dr. Mario: N64, the vaccine.

* Cat's Eye: we're Charlie's Angels in anime form.

Takahashi: the only thing better than '80s anime is '70s anime.

* Chris Hardwick: i used to host the meat market that was Singled Out on MTV. 

Jenny McCarthy: that show made me cry along Santa Monica Boulevard.

Chris Hardwick: so after that insane rowdy-crowd experience i learned i was claustrophobic. if i was born by God to be a game-show host i wanted to do a show where i made a difference in people's lives. so i hosted LeBron James's feelgood game show with the big maze and Indiana Jones boulder ball. lay off my name i've heard them all.

* Karlen: not a Karen

* Michael Weiss: Instagram, the only place where going into someone's Stories and leaving comments every day is considered being an attentive friend, not stalking.

* Ferrero Rocher: LaBrae? suddenly this is the set of a Twlight music video...

* Snapchat: maybe if we all saw the world like a junkie, if we were all permanently stoned and high, we'd get along better. you can't hate someone with a dog face. this isn't a bomb shelter, it's your imagination zone. the floor is beans: Gen Z for the floor is lava.

* Sosie Bacon: my dad went EV before it was cool.

Kevin Bacon: Quicksilver-brand bicycle in fact.

Sosie: our car runs on the fuel of bacon cinnamon buns.

* Volkswagen Atlas two extra seats: remember when you saw the Before Midnight twins in the back seat and you knew your world was gonna be okay...

* Best Buy

man: i want to be muscular like these men, my idol growing up was The Incredible Hulk.

wife: really?

man: i'm just saying that cos that Knock at the Cabin trailer is dark as fuck.

* Progressive with beloved TV Dad

Reginald VelJohnson: you'll understand when you're older.

Rubikon: but it IS a competition. whenever i see that man in a sweater i get very uncomfortable.

* GEICO Buffalo wings: i had no idea Dennis Quaid was the dude in the blue hat!!!

* Johnny Rotten: surprise, i'm Irish.

Barry Manilow: bow before me, you old bastard. what's with the total repudiation of all of your rebellious-youth beliefs? you're a card-carrying member of the Margaret Thatcher Party now!!! this is how my hair looks BEFORE a haircut not after. you've become a typical stodgy fart-man in your old age.

CLICK HERE FOR 1980s BURGER KING CHICKEN SANDWICHES

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: you know what i'm gonna say, MEXICAN CHICKEN SANDWICH FROM BURGER KING!!! the first NEW SANDWICH in 30 years!!! queso and jalapeno? que exotica.

Mia Kirshner: but why did I have to give the Canadian goodbye?

me: but will the RAIN cooperate? jumping jacks in the rain is spiritual but driving in the rain sucks. then again, having the car back at all is a blessing...

 

MOVING VIOLATIONS: LEARNING TO DRIVE BY DRIVING IN THE CITY ON A MARIO KART

 

i'm at Skate Rabbit in New Van Nuys, a place that already had a glow. even during the day.

me: i see one last electric bicycle on the rack above you, Tony Hawk, i'd like that one please.

Simon Cowell wearing a helmet: are you crazy, mate? i had to get Worf's metal back after my two electric bikes and two slipped discs. 

Tony Hawk with grey hair chomping a cigar: not for sale. this thing belongs in a museum. just looking out for you, kid.

me: good looking out. i see your special boards on display at the front.

Tony: also not for sale. for a cause which shall stretch for eternity, these are my limited-only signed-edition skateboards i crafted personally with my own wood in my own woodshed coating them with Lithium Triangle lithium to honor Tyre Nichols. only 3 in existence. 

Simon: oh shit here come the rowdy teens after school, they always walk by at 3:30 and add to this world's noise pollution. what is it with freshmen and skateboards?

Melissa Maker: wait why is Bagel Bakery calling YOU?

me: i have no idea. this is the one spam call i wish i had back. Melissa, i need your advice, how do you tell the married woman you're in love with that you want them to be your Valentine?

Melissa Maker: Melissa Baker, think about it.

me: they called at 7:30AM probably to inform me that the next new fresh batch of bagels was ready from the brick oven, smell-calls are a thing now. but that's still not the best part of our technology, i will leave that to my old friend:

Lucio Rossi pulls out his green telephone.

me: what is pulse dialing?

Lucio: dialing the number with your heart, not your head. feeling the number out, not memorizing it. you remember MY phone number, right?

me: um, yeah, sure, i got it memorized on my heart, etched in stone.

Lucio: you know you're not really BEST FRIENDS unless you call that friend EVERY DAY...

The Powerpuff Girls: it takes place in the 1950s.........you know, the Mad Men times...

valley fever: when Rick Dees sleeps with your mom at City Hall and becomes your new stepdad. AS IF!!!

PBS: our new KQED San Francisco headquarters looks like a giant R2-D2...

Carly Severn: yes, color me Leia. i'm sick of this cancer cap on my bald head!!! I WANT THE LEIA CINNAMON BUNS!!!

Mardith at a Vaporwave cantina: my nooch is what i eat. my booch is my homie.........whom i also eat...

Larry Dallas at a Vaporwave car wash/spinning restaurant: ironically I'M not a porn star but i've dated plenty. i'm a used-car salesman which is worse.

Eye Luggage: Moving Violations (1985) and go.

Less: 22. if only i had gotten my driver's license at 22 instead of 21 i could have skirted all of the permanent damage in my life. one more year and i would have been more mature with driving women around to Baskin-Robbins and stuff.

Gladyce: okay okay wait before we start let me get Nedra Volz and Clara Peller out here to line up with me as we do our jumping jacks in the morning. girls, are you ready?

Nedra and Clara: girls?

Gladyce: you're still young to me, i'm a witch who's been around. ONE and a two and a ONE and a three...

Nedra: like sex.

Clara: where's the beef? i kept asking my 8 husbands that, i've never had a man my entire long life who was able to get it up.

Gladyce: shirts off, ladies. blouses down, let your bosoms FLOW in the wind!!! it works two ways. all the sweat that accumulates on your chest airs out and evaporates, you don't have to take a shower!!!

Doryce: and the dots of dew on your bosoms make your tits GLISTEN.

Laertus's dad: you know i have really fond memories of this movie and me. this was the movie i can distinctly remember as being the FIRST lazy-Sunday-afternoon movie that was shown at the 2PM-4PM block on KTLA Channel 5 in Los Angeles. we children were granted that one last reprieve, that oasis of respite before we had to chew our fingernails again cos Monday and dreaded school was coming fast. all the worrying, all the bullying, all the days when our friends weren't there to protect us, could we have just 2 hours of a mindless movie to breathe?!!!

Laertus: but dad, you remember seeing the S&M scenes, too?

Laertus's dad: that's the part i don't remember. i was a kid of about 8 at the time, it's all a blur, i was too worried about taking a bath in the morning and that goddamn math pop test. i do faintly recall living next to very conservative neighbors who were sex-mad behind closed doors so i'm sure i saw it on their cable.

John Murray: so clearly they wanted Bill Murray for this character but couldn't get him. my brother was probably too busy or too busy being an asshole. i obviously copy my brother Bill at every turn here. interestingly i have MORE SNARK than Bill Murray does. which is why my whole film career consists of like 3 movies.

Jennifer Tilly: they tried to make me frumpy and dumpy, like i was some bad-angled librarian. they tried to glasses me down, but as you can see i'm hot underneath. the proof is i play a hot pregnant wife on Family Guy...

We Bare Bears: props to us for being the only cartoon that features pregnant women as characters. pregnant women exist in society, they should be cartoon characters with speaking parts not just parts. roles which enrich their interior life. especially in San Francisco you see them all the time, pregnant women jogging in the park, going to coffeehouses for bran muffins, at the skate park.........doing yoga.

James Keach: i have a punchable face.

Sally Kellerman: hey Judge Judy, THIS is a hot judge!!!

Judge Judy: you have very cold lips, madam.

Robert Altman: ...

Judge Judy: what is this court you preside over, madam? it looks like the RoboCop courtroom!!!

Clara Peller: this movie really is a document in time, a historical artifact, they cast me here the ONLY YEAR i was super-famous for the Wendy's commercial. they managed to CATCH me at my hottest high.

Nedra Volz: my bestie peels potatoes for fries in the Wendy's backroom, that's what she told me in confidence. as for me, i didn't start acting until i was in my 100s. you're not gonna believe this but when i was young i looked like Marilyn Monroe. a lifetime in Hollywood and what do i have to show for it? Diff'rent Strokes, the boys and Dana Plato were cool but Conrad Bain kept hitting on me. Earth Girls Are Easy, Jeff Goldblum kept hitting on me...

Doryce and Gladyce: you two are so CUTE!!! you were us before us!!! you were the EIGHTIES CRONES!!!

Nedra Volz: why didn't i play The Little Old Lady From Pasadena in the movie?...

Wendie Jo Sperber: i don't have any information on why one Bosom Buddy lived and the other didn't..........wait am i a ginger in this?

Fred Willard: this was one of my first roles, i came to Hollywood late, too. i was busy being a car-wash dry-cleaner.

Lisa Hart Carroll: as you can see, i'm looking for a man with heart. i thought it was Keach, i thought he would be a peach, but he's a giant asshole.

James Keach: yeah i'm a typical cop.

Rubikon: nothing sends shivers down the spine as that blue bodysuit uniform police wear, it shoots out beams of fear and bias. even in the liberal city of L.A.

Nadine van der Velde: i am responsible for making Ryan Gosling a thing.

Clara Peller: where's the beef?

Don Cheadle: right here. my first role, too!!! imagine if McDonald's had instead been named Juicy Burger...

Dedee Pfeiffer: i let my sister be a cat. 

Sabrina: you're a witch?

Dedee: that's what my sister says.

Sabrina blowing bubblegum: want my teen skateboard, stranger?

Dedee: anyway i created the Nickelodeon network and drew Rugrats...

E.G. Daily on the Saturday Night Live stage in the '80s: ...

Sabrina rides her skateboard on the corner of the bodega. she lands a kick-flip as the price of cigarettes lowers.

Neal Israel: you've seen more of my movies than you realize...

Neal Israel: i went to a real traffic school after my pick-up truck was deemed street legal for street races. to make a long story short, REAL LIFE IS BORING. so we jazzed it up, we crazied it up, we Hollywooded it up. added sex and violence and black leather and that good old-fashioned 1980s political incorrectness. despite having Reagan in the White House. it's not tawdry it's real life. if we can't laugh at each other we're doomed as a race.

John McEnroe: ...

Neal Israel: the human race. street race. this was back in the day when our only social problem was smog.

Neal Israel: it was scary inside that county jail. a fish with the most beautiful big lips who could talk was there, Dan Fielding was there, Head Captain Yama from Bleach was there now an arsonist cos he was PISSED THAT HE DIED.

Dana Cannon: is that not the coolest name for a man ever? i live in the San Bernardino Canyon. and my truck is RAD, it has all that green shrubbery coming out of it, spilling out the windows, my car is a LIVING ENTITY OF TREE on the cold concrete highway.

Chuck E. Cheese: that's MY truck!!!

me: if i had gone to traffic school i would have met my soul mate. but there's just something creepy about going to school at night. i'm scared of ALL SCHOOL now, i can't step foot in another classroom again, i get the heebie-jeebies, i get Vietnam flashbacks.

Madame Pons: i got my period, with this line i already like this movie.

Indiana Jones: did you know i was a card-carrying member of the Communist Party?

Dana: fertilizer is cocaine for weeds.

Mireille: i feel so heartsick when i see a park puppet trailer rigged to a tow truck desecrated like that. it's French In Action not French Inaction.

Nedra: i'm blind as a bat but i drive alongside 747 airplanes deliberately, i was a thrill-seeker in a previous life, i beat a shark with my surfboard. in a race i mean. i will be the first person to ever crash a car into an airplane.

psychopath: in the '80s psychopaths were funny. we were just misunderstood, you know, we all were shy with a nervous stuttering giggle for a laugh, we all just wanted to be John Travolta but there can only be one Sweathog.

Jennifer Tilly: i'm an actual rocket scientist, i'm extremely intelligent. i work for NASA, NASA is still cool and wondrous, NASA helps out the Go-Bots. this was before Elon Musk ruined space travel forever by making it Disneyland instead of The Jetsons.

Takahashi: this is a brilliant conceit. i love this concept of the auto-repair shop as a doctor's office, the mechanic is a doctor, the cars his patients. the cars enter the tiny white room like a doctor's tiny white room and he takes out his office supplies to fix the car's broken heart. seeing what's wrong with the car by using a stethoscope on the windshield.

Wendie Jo Sperber: i had to really drink 12 bottles of Crisco and run 30 miles!!! Method acting, i really did that, you can't fake that expression on my face!!! my butt was oily for two years from downing cooking oil. i had to sit NAKED MY BUTT ON A FORKLIFT.  

Mardith: horrifying educational Super 8 1970s film you're forced to watch in class, i feel for the older generation, my elders. this bloody scene is worse than any reefer madness. this whole concept of going to SCHOOL to learn to left- or right-turn, to follow the dotted yellow line, the impossibility of a four-way stop, to give a bicyclist the right of way ONLY when there's no sidewalk, U-turn intersections, with pop quizzes and oral reports, it's all just kinda strange.

Dana: tell me about it. the only fun we had was when we played Pole Position in an '80s arcade to practice our hand-eye coordination, hands on the wheel not the body. turns out these fun video games were just fucking recruiting tools for the Army...

Judge: i wear a black robe. and a black see-through lace nightie underneath. they're both robes.

Iran: in the '80s, you could lightly joke about us...

Takahashi: i mean this is visually cool, everyone outside at night in a huge cavernous empty three-story parking lot learning how to jimmy the trunk lock of a blue sedan, it's very A E S T H E T I C. that whole obstacle course is a dream, all the wacky traps, the water pit, the arrows flying around trying to flat your tires, it's the video game Pole Position in real life, it's something out of Double Dare on Nickelodeon, a particularly satanic stage.

Halik: i warn you, i was the arm-wrestling champion of my graduating class at the academy, i'll break your arm like fingers to Mike Tyson.

Jack Tripper: i was the karate champ at my Naval academy.

Dana: i learned karate in an '80s mall.

Halik and Tripper: you win.

puppet guy: i want to be normal. i want a normal girlfriend. 

Stephanie McCarty: look you're sweet so i'll let you in on a little secret. my hair isn't blonde, it's naturally purple. i'm a punk-rocker. the real rock, the ACTUAL ROCK, the '80s rock. Madonna in NYC clubs in the '80s starting it all. i sneak out to clubs with my Jem hair.

puppet guy: okay but why do you steal cars for thrill rides?

Steph: well like my idol Madonna and all '80s girls, i can only orgasm if i'm in a speeding car. also i'm 15 and it's the '80s so there's no birth control.

puppet guy: is this what it means to be the MTV couple?

Vanilla Ice: hey Madonna, when are we gonna get married?

Madonna: so i can be Vanilla Madonna?!!! i am the EXACT OPPOSITE of Vanilla Madonna!!!

Greykid Mlem and Blep the cat familiars: okay we have to talk about these dogs, man, the dogs, those scary growling spit-spitting saliva Doberman Pinschers. THOSE POOR DOGS!!! anodyne animals, they're docile creatures, they're FORCED to be Cujo canines!!! i don't wanna know the red meat they're serving them. i mean this is what happened in the '80s, no computer special effects, those are REAL DOGS out there ready to rip a man to shreds!!!

Rubikon: yeah and notice how they send the black man to do the scene with the dogs!!! those dogs' howling faces huffing noses razor-sharp teeth are right up against the black man's face!!! i'd be SCARED SHITLESS to do that for a paltry acting sum of money!!!

Nedra: and the train, that was a REAL TRAIN, no CG!!! 

Clara Peller: my dear old friend and old partner in crime you coulda been flattened like a Wendy's hamburger patty!!! I look more like Judge Judy than Judge Judy.

at NASA

Amy Hopkins: don't worry, everything here is War Games, none of it is real, there's no US.-Soviet worldwide global nuclear mutually-assured-destruction calculations, it's all one big green Atari video game. 

Dirg: and the sex scene is taking white clothes off in an anti-grav chamber and the clothes become a Claymation California Raisins Robert Palmer Pee-wee's Playhouse special?

Pee-wee Herman: i can't talk about sex. it's in my NDA.

Dana: now i know how a racquetball feels.

Tilly: it was kinda small. sorry. it was more like a pickleball.

Ben-Hur: Michael Jackson got his hair caught on fire but he persevered. fire didn't stop him, he went on to do that commercial for Pilk, Pepsi milk, which he dedicated to Laverne & Shirley.

Keach: i knew this plan we hatched in a junkyard wouldn't work.

Optimus Prime: yeah, junkyards are the territory of the morally upright.

Nedra Volz: don't hook me in. don't worry, kiddos, i'm not embarrassed, at my age i've seen it all. there was a lot of S&M sex in World War I. am i really 80 in the '80s? that sucks.

police convention: let's talk weapons. let's not, there are too many guns on the streets, the government is too inept to take you over, let's talk donut varieties instead, which go best with which flavored coffee. 

Mardith: screw off, that needs to be used more in polite conversation.

Dana: i'm an easy-grader professor at the driving school. cos i'm already married, i don't need to screw my students. no need for office hours at the car wash.

me: you see after this movie ends and the credits roll i become INTENSELY INTERESTED in what happens next with these people. i live in this world, this world is REAL to me, it has its own interior dimensions in my mind, the lives of these people CONTINUE off-screen. i'm kinda invested. i want to see Amy move into Dana's apartment and the two of them living in domesticated bliss sitcom-style in the FOURTH Three's Company spinoff...

in the next installment of the Three's Company franchise, Dana and Amy do not have twin cars in the garage, they have to take the bus together each morning...

Nona Hendryx: "Moving Violations." the song. yeah, me. my only #1 disco hit. never reached this high before, it's nice, it feels good to finally see the apartment in the sky. the drone view of the Santa Monica Freeway. my uncle spells it differently, it's Jimi with no MY cos my uncle was a team player. he saved the X cos that's our thing, that's for women only. g'night folks. i once saw Martin Luther King , Jr. skateboarding on the freeway to attract the Black youth. the rows and lines of cars parting like the Red Sea as he rolled on into the highway...

back at Skate Rabbit, Tony Hawk is looking over a board of wood, frontside and backside ollie, checking its grain.

Tony Hawk: order it on your Brimming Biscuit there.

me: my Chromebook? i'm using YOUR name for it from now on.

Tony Hawk: there is ONLY ONE skateboard in the whole universe that has Tyre Nichols's signature on it. and it belongs to me. i had him sign it when i saw him shredding at the New Van Nuys Skate Park. i had a feeling about that kid...