MASKED MAGIC

notes:

* yeah buddy, buddy with the mullet, you can't start an anti-mask rebellion at Walt Disney World, Walt would be none too pleased with you if you tried to take over his park. Walt wanted to grow a mullet, too, but it's called personal and societal responsibility. Walt Disney World is WAY too big for that, too expansive, it's like three wildlife reserve parks of space, it'll never take. Walt Disney World ain't Walmart. go get this mulleted gentleman one of our special masks, a gas mask with Mickey's head on top...

* magic is ____________ a McDonald's in Walt Disney World, a Starbucks in Disneyland...

* get distracted by the holdiays coming up, and it's Disney. spending the holidays at a Disney park, that's a double dose. to distract you from the double-dose you won't get for a while...

* don't tell me what i can't do!

you can't wear those reindeer ears

why not!

cos you look ridiculous

* don't tell me what i can't do!

DON'T TOUCH THE CHRISTMAS TREE!!!

i can if i want!

the snowflake hanging ornaments, they're sharp! those are made with real knives, not ice!!!

* don't tell me what i can't do!

want a churro?

man steps inside the large glass case for a churro...and Donald locks him in...

* kiss me with your mask on, that will prove you really love me...

* no fair, he got to kiss the stacked princess!

Goofy: do YOU look like Matthew McConaughey?!!!...he can kiss without a mask cos he's had everyone...

* i wonder if you need to wear a mask to ride Dumbo?

Dumbo: yes, even sex, you need to start learning to fuck in a mask...

* C3PO: i don't need to wear a mask...…...i will never fuck...

* Mickey: i borrowed this plaid coat from Sean Connery...

Sean Connery: remember back in the good ol' days when you could sing HO in this park?...

* it should have been the Battle of Los Angeles but it was never gonna be in the STAPLES Center anyway...

* don't worry, Hulu has live sports, but you can catch up on all your basketball highlights after the game on TikTok...

* four is an unlucky number. make that the five corners of the world...

* i don't mind wearing the cutoff socks that are cut so thin they don't have a tube, they're just a base, they're ankle socks. i know they are meant for women in their 40s attempting a Broadway ballet comeback, but i feel fine in them! light & airy!

* God bless you, my man. you WILL find your wife's ashes in the rubble of the fires and you WILL spread them over the waves of Hawaii, the only waters left in this cruel grey world that are still blue. this WILL happen for you, my friend. God bless you, brother...

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happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: gonna go on a walkabout and travel to the Seaside McDonald's to see how the interior has changed. this was our only local international landmark, the wallpaper before told the story, the wallpaper was a tapestry scroll of all the happenings and incidents in the Salinas fields, how John Steinbeck was a witch. who used sleeping powder. how the area used to look like a '70s New York City Sesame Street neighborhood block. how the invention of water was made right here, which was then used to grow romaine lettuce which was only rancid for a while. but then that guy rammed his car into the place which was a monument and it went up in a terrible and terribly sad ball of flame...

PENN PAT: TORCH POINT

Pat: what happened at the casino last night?

Serano: you were there? you saw me?! 

Pat: nevermind.

Serano: that's my line. yeah, let's go see Boc.

Boc: it's not fair! life's not fair! 

Serano: some of us never know our father, kid. or really know our father if you know what i mean...

Boc: FINALLY the air quality is GOOD! i checked it on my phone for the past two weeks, FINALLY the green circle! but NOW it's too fucking hot outside again!!! i have to wait till dark. it's a magical experience watering a lawn at night. you can't see a thing so all your meditation has to be internal. 

Serano: and you have to be sure to always point your nozzle due north star or you'll wet your short-shorts...

later that night, Boc waits till night. till midnight. till the dead of night. when all he can hear is the casino din on the boat docked in the distance. 

Boc: as i water, i sense a twinkle in the air. i smell the musk. and i can SEE!!!

three large phoenix birds descend on the grass court. they are HUGE!!! and they light up internally! sparkle from their insides as if puppets from the Main Street Electric Parade!

Boc: but they're real! they are all too real! wow. amazing...…...it's the MUSK!!! the musk in the air from my hose's water is drawing all exotic creatures great and great to my small area of green on the globe!

there are so many lights lining like Christmas lights and sparklers the houseboat offshore that no one inside the club notices nature.

Eye Luggage: i was in a college goth band named Ephematic...

Dirg: but you're still in college now. i'm your roommate...at least your roommate in the classroom...

Eye: yeah, that was a long time ago...

Laertus: haven't had live music in a minute...

Annie Wright starts the first all-girls school on a treelined grassy knoll on the first hill of Monte Carlo island……...awhile ago and retroactively becomes the first Orchid Girl...

Shere Hite publishes the first account of female holograms having orgasms and wins the Nobel, which she soundly rejects until Sartre's Girlfriend as she's known carved in the town hall gets her medal back.

Shere: i am a tigress. and i am all for cheap shots in the cause of justice.  

also, a girl named Natricia becomes a first-time member...

at ESPN First Take:

Max: i have the ability to change my mind when new evidence surfaces. that's called having a brain. that's called having intelligence. that is what gets us out of this politically relativistic mess. i will be an informed information information-age voter, not a tv voter, come November. i still say Chadwick Boseman should play Kawhi Leonard...

Stephen A: oh lawdy. i got my preacher towel out cos it hot in here!!! it's getting hot in herr!!! it's getting baking in here!!!

Molly: don't look at me. 

Max: look. i just want to say while i'm still on tv that i have nothing to do with Max Major. that is the current host of Around The Horn, not me the previous host. 

Tony Reali: sorry, world, i got a little carried away with my bananas...

Max: i know i often get confused with Roger Federer...

Roger Federer: get my name out yo mouth! people think tennis players aren't tough but i'll box yo ass, minimax!

Max Major needs a police escort to get out of Vegas. there is one police escort left in the world...

later, in his dressing room, Max Major is greeted by two boxes......which are cleared by police...

and a phone call: David Copperfield: don't sweat it, kid, all magic is fraud.

Max receives from David a box of makeup. from Criss Angel Max receives a box of guyliner.

Criss Angel: i'm from the original Greek island...

Warner Wolf looses his tie and steps up to the hot crackling mic:

Warner: did y'all see that just now? that made me legit cry. ME, hardnose from New York.

Marion Stokes: let's go to the videotape...

Jennifer Capriati gets up on stage. her blouse is soaked and she's sobbing into the mic:

Jennifer: to all my gods...but especially my fans...not to my parents...I AM SO SO SORRY...

Jen leaves the stage crestfallen and blows a kiss to Pam Shriver.

Warner: before i continue i'm not owned by any corporation. this made me feel for the first time in my life. i was thirsty no more. over a woman no less. i'm okay with this. i'm okay with her. you forget that Capriati kid is just a kid. what if she were your kid daughter? she can do whatever she wants in a paisley sweater: drugs, sex, whatever. as long as it's not performance-enhancing, cocaine is fine.

Warner's bookie nodding in the shadows: coke don't throw off the balance of the bet...

Dirg: throw that scumbag in jail!!! that was private property!!!

Laertus: why? he was doing the right thing only to get cuffed by the cops??? i mean Warner removing PLANTATION from the sign is just another version of toppling a Confederate statue!

Mr. Peanut joins Ace of Base...

Doryce and Gladyce are at the New Orleans Starbucks the one on that corner where all the hurricanes hit...

Gladyce: we're right by Madame Zuzu's Tea Shoppe, are you sure you don't want to go there?

Doryce is looking the drunker for wear...

Gladyce: you okay, dear?

Doryce stumbles into the Starbucks and looks around the ceiling.

Doryce: why is there a jumble of horns up there? i thought New Orleans and Seattle were in a civil war...

Doryce staggers up to the counterboy:

Doryce: you're too skinny for my tastes. eat more beignets, boy! what is this place?

boy: for coffee.

Doryce: yeah but how are we to know this? it's just a store, a beige brown store, how do we know what the fuck you do in here!!?

Gladyce: excuse my friend, dears, she's had a long hard heated summer. my good friend, my lover. she's a little...

Doryce gets down on one knee and holds up a Funyun to Gladyce:

Doryce: will you be mine? i have the nastiest craving for Ritz crackers. but only ONE Ritz cracker...

Gladyce: no worries, folks, i'll get her sobered up with some tea from next door...

Madame Zuzu's Tea Shoppe stands as a citadel on the hill. there's an ancient Native American Thunderbird on its frontal crest. ocean water marks on each of its sides and cupboards. and the lines are like snakes trying to capture the beak of the bird high up. Cotard and Madame Pons discuss the founding of this landmark for a Rolling Stone article which Cotard writes for now:

Cotard: it's like a little piece of Obec right here on Monte Carlo island.

Pons: yeah.

Cotard: you know why the lines are so long here?

Pons: sure. whenever you have ONE place which does something a certan way no one else in the world does, the place becomes magical. this is why chains are death. see if you have that ONE place that does the tea THAT way, nowhere else is it done that way. people will travel from all corners of the globe to visit your little plot of land that exists nowhere else. that is the genesis of the billion-dollar industry of food traveling, to get that one special cup of tea...

Cotard: sure. but it could also be that you're the only place offering flu shots...

Pons: right. we razed the Walgreens for this place. i make sure each flu-shot victim i mean patient wears a red bandage visible and airholed on their bicep at the end of it. free advertising, just a little gallows humor to lighten the mood in these dark times.

Mardith: not cool, sis. i've been reading WWII history. never has being positive been so negative. i'm gonna fetch you a couple books off these shelves here for you to peruse nighttime. some tomes to help you on your path to becoming a channeler. NOT a youtube channeler!!!...

Dirg arrives at the Thunderbird disheveled...

he is wearing a tie on his ear.

Dirg: i'm here for our date.

Mardith: we aren't dating...

Dirg: damn, i read the signals wrong. can you teach me to read signals like you do palms? i downed an entire bottle of Old Bay Seasoning and washed my hair in Selsun Blue and everything, too.

Pons: dear, that should have been your first clue. Selsun makes your hair smell medicated, not lush like our LUSH head soaps.

Pons: this bookshop tea parlor is very special to me. i was here as a little girl when the three things which changed my life forever occurred right here. first as i played hooky from school i curled up in a ball in that same corner over there and first read Anne Sexton. then in the other corner over there by the mini-waterfall is where i first discussed Conversations With God with another person. i was embarrassed when i received the books as a bundle as a gift for Christmas cos i thought i was the only one in the world with this secret gnostic knowledge.

Neale Donald Walsch: me, too. btw i bathed my beard and neck in the waterfall...

Pons: i chatted this woman up who was eyeing the Conversations books. New Age was still a new thing and a new aisle in the '80s and '90s. i told her, "I hope you meet another of my kind on your journey..." and i exited the bookshoppe stage right. and then stage left. i was always such an actress.

Pons: and then i talked with a nice college-aged young man with a beard who was clerking at the time. he told me that you didn't need to become a monk in order to live the monastic life. you didn't need to be cloistered. you could be a monk in the world, just live quietly in the din and speak only with your spirit...

Cotard: that young priest was me. my beard hadn't flowed out yet...

Takahashi: this place is a cathedral to culture!!!

Pat and Galivant find a nice quiet spot on the island for practice, at night away from the madding betting dice crowd. on the furthest corner of the island is an ice-blue grass court with no one around for miles now or since, so quiet you can hear the flowers grow...

Galivant: okay, your next lesson: serving in the dark...

Pat: yeah how is this gonna work? i can't serve when the sun is beating down on my eyes.

Galivant: well, think about it. if you can master serving in the dark, you'll be Zverev in the day with your eyes closed!

Galivant: relax and rejoice in the chill night air. smell up your nose. take a cue from my voice, take a musical cue, listen to me singing the song, see the vibrations in the black, like soft piano mellow notes in wavy white. whenever i hit the high note, make that the highest arc and arch of your backswing, there you go...

Pat: that's a pretty song, i didn't know you could sing.

Galivant: i only sing when it's important. life is too important to be taken seriously. the tennis life is a hard life but it's a glorious life! enjoy it before it becomes a job. you get to travel the world!!! it's magnificent!!!

Pat: only if you promise to be my partner uh my coach.

Galivant: when all this is over and the tour gets functioning again, where do you want to travel to?

Pat: four places: Disko Bay, Greenland/ Punta Arenas, Chile/ anywhere in Japan/ and the Democratic areas in Alaska.

Galivant: nice. the four corners of the world...

Eye: what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: off the bat: what would you rename The Fabulous Baker Boys?

Dirg: Gimmick Brothers. off the bat:...…...i LIKED this film. Michelle Pfeiffer was HOT in this!!! 

Eye: The Fabulous Baker Boys and go...

Laertus: okay, let's discuss that New Year's piano scene, the iconic scene. don't remember my grandad taking my dad to those kind of New Year's parties in the '80s...

Dirg: my dad did...

Laertus: Michelle in the scorching red dress on top of the piano with Jeff Bridges playing the piano...that's why she's called the torch singer...

Dirg: women can only ooze sex at that age. Jeff Bridges was a sex symbol hunk before he became all slovenly to play The Dude...

Eye: clearly Michelle was auditioning for the part of Selina Kyle in the next Batman film. she had bagged Catwoman with that performance, cat was in the bag! the only thing which brings this scene down is the song itself, "Making Whoopee". whoopee is such a ridiculous word...

Dirg: i always confuse Michelle Pfeiffer with Kim Basinger. i always confuse Michelle Pfeiffer with Mackenzie Phillips the One Day At A Time druggie, always confuse those two Hollywood families. see, fellas? you need to write TWO hot tv shows at the same time to bag a classy woman like Michelle Pfeiffer...

Laertus: or in your case blow your own fife. 

god damn you're cold. you're a razorblade.

why can't men and women talk to each other classy like this anymore? we need more noir in our conversation...

Eye: at the beginning, nice tits on that broad in bed. Jeff's got nice hands she says coyly like a kitten...

Dirg: see, fellas? years of playing the piano by yourself while the other kids played together on a Little League baseball team on Mount Rushmore will pay off eventually...get your fingers all exercised...

Laertus: black hair polish for hair? that's what they did in the '80s, used shoe polish cos toupees were just for rich real-estate developers. at this point just use black paint on that head!

Eye: that's Michelle Pfeiffer's real voice!

Dirg: and Bonnie from Family Guy's real voice! that's her real baby voice! wow, what a leg-up Jennifer Tilly has finding dudes for dates!...

Laertus: i'm feeling Beau Bridges wasn't the lava star Jeff was. even with the heat of the Stargate. he was kinda always the other brother.

Dirg: strange family. Jeff with the beard is the Transcendental Buddhist of course but Beau with the pretty lips is the Christian. Beau won't take the Lord's name in vain if the script calls for it, always asks for a rewrite. however Beau is quite comfortable saying cock in your pocket in this. he can't get his priorities straight, not a real Christian. that scene where the brothers fight against the chainlink fence, Jeff really broke Beau's hand in real life, Lloyd wasn't prouder of his boys than at that moment. it takes real men to be actors...

Eye: Michelle was a shoe-in to win the Oscar that year but lost to Jessica Tandy! Michelle was the hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold a year before Julia Roberts's pretty woman!

Laertus: once again, Driving Miss Daisy misses the mark and ruins it for another one!!!

Dirg: come on, they HAD to give it to Tandy, she was on her last legs...

Laertus: two veterans from 24 my favorite show cos Republicans love it even though Kiefer is a Democrat: Xander Berkeley as the white racist, and Gregory Itzin from Las Vegas fame...

Dirg: sigh, obviously fake news, Hollywood fiction, there are no racists in Berkeley. 

Dirg: ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!? Chalamet makes it into everything!!! Timothee Chalamet is the boy manning the dog-pound station Jeff beats up!

Eye: Jeff pounded. that boy. the dog, it's a black lab! it's Sandy! right, dear?

Laertus: yes, dear.

Eye: Ellie Raab holding onto her mother's Elie Saab wedding dress...

Dirg: it's tough when you're the kid in the middle of an affair. 

he sounds big...

hahahahaha.

that scene on the apartment-building roof...

Germane: remind you of anyone you're missing?...

Dirg: i honestly thought that sweet young innocent freckled little girl was gonna jump...

Laertus: i love how this film brings back the jazz standards, the songs everyone knows, like they were TikTok pop...

Dirg: all Jeff wants to do is be a real jazz musician, not play the jazz piano...but he can't cos he's white...but how do they lug not one but TWO grand pianos to each gig, the stamps required must be ENORMOUS!!! it's IMPOSSIBLE for the Post Office!!!

Dirg: what was Jeff doing with Michelle's perfume in that one scene? drinking it? i need to learn this technique...

Eye: this could have been more interesting if they fiddled with the script. no, not violins, they had Beau already saddled with a wife and kids. there was never going to be any triangle-tension from the start. this should have been a race to a girl's heart by BOTH brothers. with one of them murdering the other in the end Cain-style of course.

Dirg: Magical Negro helps Jeff...sort of...what do you think the minor accident that happened to Beau's family was?

Dirg: let me guess...playing football while covid?...

Eye: see? Michelle leaves the Baker Boys to do cat-food jingles, Catwoman, this was all planned out beforehand, she was gonna have a great career...

Laertus: yikes, "You're Sixteen", you just can't play that song anymore...not as gleefully as the brothers do to bond over and connect again...

Eye: last scene should have gone like this:

Jeff: i know we'll see each other again, call it male intuition.

Michelle turns her head around to face his face from across the street, throws her beret in the air like Mary Tyler Moore, and says back to him: meow meow.

Michelle: i know one thing for sure: in a few years people won't be talking about us and jazz standards around here, they'll be talking about a little something i like to call Kurt Cobain Music...

Eye: oh it was so great to see the Space Needle in this film free from haze...g'night, folks...

Dirg: just purple haze...g'night, folks...

on a pontoon six feet away from the island of Monte Carlo, Ryan Seacrest is having surgery. back surgery. he's getting his spine replaced. he's getting a new spine. he's getting Simon Cowell's spine...

TMIT: THE THINKER, PAINT IT BLACK

1. when are you most motivated? now, as i'm losing my friends one by one...

2. if you didn't know your age, how old would you think you'd be?

funny this comes up, this is the conundrum i've been struggling with awhile now. i haven't dealt with it and i'm not on tv with a suitcase. see, and this was before the pandemic. i got lost in time where Time wasn't a thing for me anymore, i stopped counting the seconds. and the days. like that commercial for fortified chocolate milk with hormones i drink everyday. and then i did a reacharound and tried to think when my birthday was again and couldn't. i smoked with a caterpillar instead to forget. that i needed to forget. that was depressing. i don't know how old i am anymore...and i don't want to find out, i'm scared to.

……...instead i remain the 12-year-old nostalgic boy from the '80s i've always been...Fedco pizza...kissing red frogs...sleeping in hospitals...

3. what is one part of your everyday routine that you'd be better off without?

my Archer reviews. damn it all to hell. i did a review of EVERY SINGLE episode from the last season of Archer...really thinking that would be the last season!!! and it kinda was, i mean that last episode was quite Anthony Bourdain, quite retrospective psychedelic. and then they turn around and say THIS season coming up this week this Wednesday is gonna be the last season!!!...maybe!!! well HELL NAW i'm not gonna do Archer reviews anymore, those things are time-confusing and time-consuming and laborious...and for what?...what do i gain from them!?...

4. what is a question you wish people would ask when they meet you for the first time?

do you bore easily? cos you're gonna get bored with me real quick...two weeks tops and i'll never see you again...at least let me keep the pesto gum...

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY

DON'T WASTE COKE ON TOILETS

notes:

* WARNING: this may make you give up the internet forever

* not real birds

* done before the whole Fallon controversy. Fallon the dummy with the dummy

* how many holes does a human have? one...

* Soda Springs: it's not what you think...

* the dog on Frasier was the spirit of the dead erudite professor father of the two brothers...

* whenever i see Moby's face from now on i will also see Natalie Portman's face

* and why does every AI robot look like Natalie Portman?...

* remember, The Office, Gervais is on our side, he just wants us to be less stupid about it. to get the bricks out yer head...

* Equestrian Couples: not what you think, two human wranglers involved

* dude, you are no Jessica Simpson. you are at most Elliott in a grey hoodie

* hey Siri, repeating is not knowledge

* life hack: if you're taking a depression test, you're depressed.

* daily problems staying alive...

* ah the good old days, when viruses were viruses……...when they were just harmful computer viruses... 

* blonde babe is not a PC expert who will feed you grapes in your ear as you get your headset on, she is an AI...

* the important thing is to talk to someone. even if that someone is the guy online who is there to fix your connection to your shrink

* please, let's not do the Her thing again, i comprehensively explored all the Her issues in a previous story... 

* Frank C: my name is Frank but i'm not in the mob

* when they ask where you're from, hang up

* Frank C: i'm from Florida but it's not what you think

* OMG that's the sound from Legacy of the Wizard!!!

* Frank C: use Facebook...not to stalk me tho...

* Frank C is Ollie Wride!!!

* Frank C is what Ronaldo would have been sans soccer: a European DJ

* am i wasting my life? yes, don't go to any more links 

* zoom doctor: is your mind constantly racing? well at least you have it better than me, I'M FUCKING WOODY ALLEN FOR CHRISSAKE!

* make a list of all your horrible worries......and don't put it in the fire...keep it on the fridge so you see it every morning before work...

* why doesn't my tongue taste good? two words: TRY TANG

* Jon, Jon, did i wake you at 3 in the morning? it's not a spam call. it's not a spam call!

* Jon: i look like that one MMA fighter you know...

* no girlfriend? well your girlfriend is your girlfriend, your friend, and your family...

* nobody likes you...right now...maybe get another look than shoe bomber...

* everything's better with pictures

* how to get people to like you? shake their hand...

* eyebrow flash. eyebrow flash when you're taking pictures outside...

* Jude Law: you'll never have a better eyebrow flash than me...

* scrap the Bible. start over. have the Bible written by all women this time and see how the world turns out...

* for the record, Steve Harvey's favorite cookie: peanut

* don't rush to conclusions, Frank C might have seen it but his seen is on invisible

* wanna go out for breakfast later? come on, Taco Bell Breakfast Sauce

* and of course no one watched this cos everyone was too sad after the Venture Bros news

CLICK HERE RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: i dunno, i wanted to go to the In N Out drivethru but i can't see an inch in front of my face. the haze mixes with the dust, it's confusing cos the marine layer mixes with the smoke so it's deceptive, you don't know if the grey-blue is cool or hazardous. when the In N Out girl bangs on my car window i'm gonna think it's a Sandworm!

i could always go to Dave & Buster's...ding ding ding my friend...ding ding ding...but i'm afraid of loud noises...

CARRENO BUSTA FOR THE U.S. OPEN!!! CARRENO BUSTA RHYMES!!!

PENN PAT: MONTE CARLO, ISLAND OF EXISTENCE

Pat crashes into the island of Monte Carlo with his little tugboat. the medium rock takes out much of the wooden planks and and the floorboards become the tug's green roof. the stacks of smoke blend into the soaked atmosphere. the sinews in Serano's pipecleaner arms strain to their limit as he stretches stretches stretches the rope back to shore and puts the rope around a Coke plastic six-pack ring.

Serano: your starboat's sinking fast, pal. better think about what you'd like to save off it!

Pat: um, i dunno. my valuables? my baby photos? no. my wedding photos? no. my wedding dress? no. i guess these wood racquets here...

Serano: this is alright, the best way to experience a new place for the first time is to crash-land in it. summer internship after graduating college?

Pat: summer? i'd like this to be the place i live in forever. life internship...

Serano: nobody lives in Monte Carlo. we exist in Monte Carlo. Monte Carlo isn't a place, Monte Carlo is an idea...

Pat: what do you guys do for fun here?

Serano pushes Pat's hair up against the stucco wall violently.

Serano: hey! pal! listen to my eyes! you want drugs? you come to ME for drugs! no one else! i got anything you want. i can get anything you want on the island. i got the hookup. speed? speed gummies? DD?

Pat: DD?

Serano: designated driver. i'm your designated driver, remember that.  

Pat: is that the hotel up there? on that hill?

Serano: it's not a hill so much as the hotel is built into the rock. that was a big rock. Sean Connery himself carved it with his cock. Sean comes from the sea. the only 5-star hotel in the Mediterranean Basin. that place is so luxurious my mom had her funeral there. each of the mourners sucked on a strawberry-daiquiri-jelly candy the entire ceremony. every floor has its own indoor tennis court. we had pools there once but...what's the point? just make room for more tennis. 

Pat: and the casinos?

Serano: at the players' service. the lesser-ranked players who want to remain on the tour, remain solvent on the tour...

Serano wears all-white, always. all-white tennis shoes, all-white cotton striped socks with white stripes, all-white laces, all-white short-shorts from the '80s, all-white T-shirt. and he wears his thin lips handsome and his hair neat and straight like Pete Sampras used to wear hair when he was winning the '90s.

Serano: it pains me to ask you this, it makes me cringe, cos i hope that part of my life is over forever, but how was college?

Pat: complicated. i don't want to talk about it. i want to remember some things, forget others people. suffice i can say proudly i want a reset. start over, not pursue my major in the real world. i was pretty good in high school in tennis so...why the fuck not, let's give this a try...

Serano: bit disappointed. i was told you'd be accompanied by some arm candy. and a bracelet. a tennis bracelet.

Pat: who, Bobbi Ray Carter? she left college wearing a beret and joined the civil sevice. secret-agented at Orchid Girls Texas Chapter awhile before settling down with Lt. Cmdr. Data whom she met at a Del Taco...

Serano: well,  i hope YOU get settled. you didn't have any carry-on luggage, no suitcases, just your racquets which you stuffed in your shorts, very economical traveler. here's your room made of all-glass mirrors. let me know if you need anything. there are no practice courts, every court you play for your life, it's serious, death matches, livelihood. if you find some time tonight i hope you join us down at the casino. the casino is on that yacht down there see the one? yeah it's not technically a Monte Carlo casino. i'll be wherever on the diamond purple-rug floor a bevy of beauties are, i'll be in the middle spilling my beverage on the bevy.

Tyzik: have we all settled in, gang?

Eye Luggage: have we all settled in, gang? i brought no luggage...

Dirg: yeah.

Laertus: Kennedy LBJ was the first Civil Rights, LeBron James LBJ is the now social justice...

Galivant has mary jane shoes on, all-white. she wears white sneakers and white suspenders over her bosom.

Galivant: i'm the only-known pro tennis player in history to have achieved the rank of 51 with this beehive haircut of mine, see?

Serano: well you are a honey. *hits Pat on the triceps and delts and smirks with tongue* don't worry, pal, she's all yours, i had her already.

Pat blushes.

Pat: um, how does it feel to be a low-ranked player? i mean um i'm nervous sorry i mean it must be great to play on the tour...in whatever capacity...

Galivant: still i rise. better than covid capacity. hey i get to travel the world, that's the best part, that's the part that's really the why of me. i suppose i could rise in the rankings if i shut my blinds and applied myself. but it's hard in the MC. here i feel the main character of my own story. i can do what i want and the air here will still be breathable, the water will be deep-blue. what i most need work on is my serve, but look at my skinny arms, i'll never have the power the top girls have.

Pat: and so you teach. tell me, is it as satisfying when your student makes it to the top?

Galivant: well, let's see how you work out. in the meantime i'm gonna pick all the banana-drugs off these trees each breakfast and take them. on top of everything else, free drugs on this island!

Takahashi: in most communities of the world now, a town's McDonald's is their community centre, their library...

Dirg: i know i know, you taught me well. the McDonald's Arches lit up yellow at night is mystical, it's its own star...

Eye: shit! i forgot to bring food! oooh, look, a Crumbl Cookie truck. i'm going there...

Takahashi: McDonald's is their cultural centre. their center of culture. it's where they go to get coffee, it's their fine coffeehouse Parisian klatch...

President Bump viewing an airport sleeve-tv in the other room: what the fuck! watching The Weather Channel and they have a babe on there doing the weather PREGGERS!!! is that allowed!!! she's a Viking so i guess it's okay...

Dirg: you know i'm not against kids tv. it just can't be brainwashing kids tv. i mean why can't Xavier Riddle be more like Xavier Renegade Angel…?

Pat strolls the courtyard alley, down a winding path made of grey dark green cobblestone which leads to the exciting encampment of the city and bumps into Boc:

Boc: have you gone down The Garden Routes?

Pat: not yet. i will.

Boc: experienced Sunsets From Topanga?

Pat: sounds kismet. i need to find somone special to take up there. and i need to be carrying a silver tray of Taco Bell tacos first...

Boc: have you kissed a girl yet since you've been here?

Dirg: does a Sphinx Kiss photoshop on Insta count? except in my case i really kissed the sphinx, i put my lips against hers...

Dirg: that Enbrel ginger commercial. the one with the redhead chick woman with the glasses. one of the rare instances showing a person with glasses who's cool.

Pat: i remember my last days at Princeton: i was cramming for senior finals, feeling homesick, listening to Timex Social Club in my dorm room trying to conjure up the old Berkeley vibes again. looking at my clock-watch on the nightstand. i raised my pencil into my mouth. EUREKA! i had my thesis. i got unstuck. Franz Stuck's painting A Bad Conscience predicted Freddie Mercury!!!

Dirg: Long Island just should have been called Tail.

Boc: it's not fair! i can't catch a break! it's not hot anymore, bit it's still too smoky to go out during the day! this is so frustrating. i'm trying to take a pic with my iphone of the sky but these faded colors will never come out with my rinkydink Instagram phone. i'm watering all the tennis courts here, a BIG job since all the courts on this island are grass now of course when it was found that clay contains lead. first thing i gotta learn is those tanlines. see that court over there? i watered every cubed section as i got around but i forgot that some of the water hits the hose on the field and when i'm done there are clear areas with no water that look like snakes on the court, the tanlines. 

Dirg: get a bigger bra.

Djokovic is on an island. on the island he's on his own island:

Djokovic: the air here is hard to breathe. 

after Nadal wins his match, he steps up to the clay cubed section of the court to answer a fan question from the screen that now occupies where the audience used to stand in the stands at Roland Garros:

fan: be honest, you'll regret for the rest of your life that you didn't compete in the U.S. Open 2020.

Nadal: *hits his head with his racquet* you're right, i was dumb. stupid, stupid, stupid. i don't know what the fuck i was thinking...

Dirg: here you go, Pat...

Dirg carries a tray of Duck Donuts which Takahashi immediately sees, sneers at, and flips the tray all into the air, spilling the donuts into the lake.

Takahashi: get that shit outta here! go head, dive into the lake and pick up every bit of donut before the ducks get to them!!!

Codrus on an island and Bump: nobody likes soggy donuts.

Dirg: the real reason everyone flocks to McDonald's: free wifi.

Takahashi: did you hear Nice Guys High is being renamed Taco Bell High? the Malta McDonald's isn't a McDonald's, it's a bakery!!! the McCafe is an actual café! with cake!

Dirg: skinny Adele is Katy Perry.

Lou Graham, Monika Rostvold, Pippa Goetz, and Sister Moon eat ayam goreng and play Perudo together at the park waiting for their ship to come in...the Orchid Girls ship...

Lou Graham: soiled doves. haven't seen any of those birds on this island. i made Seattle what it is today, i personally serviced Frances Farmer...

Monika: my last name literally means the sense of violence... 

Dirg: i love all that naked art! all that sexual-assault art! i mean when it's done in protest...

Pippa: got my fascinator on...

Sister Moon: at least this ain't a pork party.

Rosalie Sully is saved by Scully...

Madame Pons: so i turned the Walgreens into my own tea shoppe! Madame Zuzu's Tea Shoppe!!! everybody's welcome but to work here you have to be a tatted-up lesbian with dyed cornrows who likes conveyor belts and peep-show booths. we got an empty warehouse now! lots of other cubed sections! so i'm filling up the shelves stacking them with Dewdrop cans!

Dirg: oh i love the naked art on those cans! I've been adapting to you chicks' vibes. there's no aluminum in here, right?

Pons: The Store, why offer a choice between paper or plastic? just do your research and determine which bag is greener and only offer that one.

Scott Van Pelt: sounds good to my dog.

the cat familiars get Salmon Chanted Evening cat treats at the Store chain in Monte Carlo...

Gladyce to Madame Pons: oh dear i feel so bad about this! i really feel awful, all this time! i've been throwing away my K-pods in the trash, i never once recycled my K-pods...

Dirg: Candace Against The Universe: first Phineas and Ferb media since Alyson Stoner broke all our hearts...

Serano: i love Carla Suarez Navarro! and i hope she makes a speedy recovery.

Pat: she's the rightful inheritor to Arantxa Sanchez Vicario!

Galivant: she's totally the female version of '70s John McEnroe, look at that curly moptop hair!

Takahashi: the John Deere Gator, it's like your own personal little car...

Dirg: how'd you get that thing on the island!

Mardith: do you want me to read your spirit lineage?

Dirg: read me, babe, i need help.

Mardith: i mean do you really want to be institutionalized in an insane asylum? or do you just want to watch tv all day?...

Pam Shriver steps up to the mic. the mic crackles. the mic howls:

Pam: my brave daughter is Sara Gilbert and i couldn't be prouder of her...

Doryce at the hotel:

Doryce: oooooooohhhhh. i get the first poo! i get to poo first after the toilets have been scrubbed, i get to poo in the bubbles!!!

Dirg: anybody else for the Orchid Girls barge? *waits for Karens* okay, i'm returning to my keeption...

Takahashi at Taco Bell: WHAT THE FUCK. Charlie Manson's daughter gets the wifi before the brown girls!!?

Doryce to Gladyce: mustard powder! gives that extra kick to food and bombs!

the crones make their way down to the lobby where they proceed to fart violently whilst doing their pushups…

Dirg: Dad And Buried! i'm scared!!!

Mardith: Daler Rowney, i use these brushes.

Laertus: well you've become the painter of the group!

Dirg: Roma Downey. now there's a woman.

Eye: what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: oh...

Dirg: the first person who dies in a horror movie will always be the man wearing the dress...

Tyzik: ...you know i can leave the island anytime i want...

Eye: My Hero Academia: Heroes Rising and go...

Dirg: off the bat: this was a TERRIBLE film...it just was...

Laertus: have to agree. i mean looking back i don't know why they felt the need to do this next film. the first film was GREAT, it was light, airy, and had a story. this was...what was this?

Eye: a lot of action. a lot of action. even the title was better last time. Two Heroes, that's more inventive than Heroes Rising. Heroes Rising?!! come on, that's the most generic name of all time! you couldn't come up with a better name? i could in my sleep, watch, right now, hand me my music box of snuff...call it: The Count of Monte Carlo!

Laertus: it's true the island this takes place on does remind me of Monte Carlo. especially the cobblestone. here, love, have an Oreo...

Dirg: the roads winding up hills with the silver guardrails that can't hold shit much less trucks! sparks flying on those rails, i've done it myself. are there other cities in Monaco besides Monte Carlo? cos i haven't seen any...

Laertus: Hawks, i like him. he has a snark to his personality. he's above it all, it's all carefree and light, like that hawk '80s cartoon...

Dirg: Nine would have been more entertaining if he had been voiced by Trent Reznor...

Eye: the innocent brother and the brat older sister. see, that's where they went wrong. shoulda had the girl who rises up to become self-actualized and whom the WW woman of Wonder she wants to be...

Laertus: Nine's got the wrong blood type! but his O will prevent him from getting covid!

Eye: wow, having a MAN as a healer? a man with healing power? that's a loop...

Dirg: and then this becomes a blatant Dragon Ball ripoff. i mean ALL anime is a Dragon Ball ripoff but this couldn't BE more Goku and Vegeta if i decided to eat vegetables again and i peed yellow cos that was the Saiyan power glow.

Laertus: they had a chance, have One For All really die as a power. have Bakugo or Midoriya actually die from the power, that would have been something at least.

Eye: now that Bakugo has achieved his lifelong dream and gained One For All, have him be the main character of the series going forward and piss off ALL the fans girls boys and Bakugo fans alike.

Laertus: and the dude with the Freddy Krueger glove over his face! why the fuck wasn't HE the villain of this!!!

Dirg: he licks his lips with his tongue, that shows villain intelligence. he's cool as a cucumber killing on a bed of pansies.

Eye: at least it's realized and realistic that the heroes have to foot the bill for all the damage they caused the island village. Batman can afford to fight crime cos he's rich...

Dirg: turns out the townsfolk don't want big systemic change, heroes to save the world, they like the world as it is, they just want these hero junor wannabes to fetch their cat familiars for them when the trees change from green to brown. and the tractors start pulling brown...

Dirg: no more poppy-seed muffins for you till you strip down to your bikinis and start playing volleyball again!...…..g'night, folks...…...hey where is everybody? hey wait for me! i want to indulge in the nightlife, too!!!...

Serano can be seen later that night at the casino next to Ryan Seacrest. Ryan is at the roulette wheel but he's placing cards inbetween the spokes of the wheel, not using the white ball. Serano uses Daler Rowney brushes to tickle Ryan's armpits under his coat and jacket and shirt and tie and loafer shoes with the bouncing ball where the penny-for-the-slots should be...  

 

TMIT: MIXED REVIEWS

1. would you help pay for your own engagement ring?

suck it. not the engagement, the ring. only if the ring was a Ring Pop. slid off the gloved pinkie finger of one Slash from Guns N Roses...

2. were you ever afraid to masturbate?

it's just, why does pleasure have to be so messy? i was always the one with the mop in my hand after something else was in my hand. but i learned a lot about myself. i learned i liked my teachers. a lot. but it was a little disconcerting after when i reopened my eyes after having them closed for so long and stared at that poster above her skateboard rack with Donald Duck tossing a bomb from his perch on a cloud with the caption below it:

THIS IS YOUR GOD NOW

3. these days what gives you most comfort? that that bag of cat food is still good. 

4. what is distinct about you? my lobes. my frontal lobe, split down the middle in two distinct halves.

BONUS: what in the past week has given you immense joy? that i got a chance to do TMIT again...

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY

KENTUCKY DERBY COVID-CHANGED 2020 GAME CRAZY, ANYONE CAN PLAY!!!

pictured: Rand Paul's swimming arrangements

not pictured: Jerry Falwell Jr.'s place out back by the shed

you know the drill, i'll meet back up with you tomorrow, check the comments...

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happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: KFC!!! 

why?

FRIES!!!