THE THERAPIST UNDER THE WATERFALL: THE DIFFICULT PATIENT

 

Luke Russert: i am beyond help?

Tai: not necessarily. after all i have a good track record with difficult patients like you. take my most recent patient: he was a fat guy who hated being fat. i told him if he hadn't been fat he wouldn't have survived when he took a head-on collision from a big rig. doctors STILL marvel that he escaped that with a few scrapes. got a $1,000,000 settlement from his advocate Jack McCoy.

me: i don't have time anymore to like go to an eye doctor, you know?

Jen R: not even an eye doctor at the mall?

tortoise: we fuck more during solar eclipses. the sex lasts for 2 minutes and 18 seconds...

lasagna: best lukewarm.

Pee-wee Herman: one minute in the microwave.

Chairry: when it still tastes cold, like my seat. that first COLD BITE...

the Baby Shark kid: i'm in BTS now.

 Alannah Myles: i was the first Alanis Morissette...

X-Men '97: you're slowly starting to realize you never liked X-Men at all, you just thought it had a cool theme song in the '90s...

Seth Green: the reason i made friends with Mike Myers wasn't for the Austin Powers stuff, it was i knew i'd be asked to do a Verizon commercial 30 years later. it's the stuff that comes AFTER that's eternal.

Chipotle: forget the jalapenos, Mexican stonecutters are falling ill and dropping like flies over stone countertops!!!

Chola Butt: i know, mang. this ain't the Middle Ages no more, gente!!! don't call me Chipotle Butt, that's not sporting.

Pan Pacific Championships: a star-studded swimming event.

Summer Sanders: only swimmers are here, folks, Tom Cruise isn't in the small stands. sorry, no cool kid's game show hosts. you had a crush on me but it was clean and pure. there was nothing in the water...

Mark Consuelos: i would stay in a 30-year loveless marriage with you just to be near our little teacup dog Chewie.

Kelly Ripa: .........are you seeing that ginger bitch from Connect with English again?...

California Pizza Kitchen: our bags are like Macy's bags but TWICE THE SIZE AND BIGGER FOR CHRISTMAS.

Luke Russert: i'm still hesitant, wary, and weary.

Tai: my first patient was a Minnesota cowboy who wore a purple cowboy hat and purple spats living in Texas who didn't fit in because he was the only one on the range who liked Prince. he decided not to shoot himself in the head.........but 30 years later he had to contend with the same people who didn't like him, they never came to an understanding, they would have fought forever regardless of the number of years. not to mention the family and friends this put-up on out-of-place cowboy neglected through the decades because he was always busy doing something else. this man had a collection of people in his life whom he treated shabbily, not just his ex-wife, and he couldn't ignore them any longer!!! they were all still alive, the chickens were coming home to roost, he couldn't escape his kin. he would have to confront that he just wasn't really that good of a person. that is another form of hell.

Luke: i'm convinced.