CLORIS ON THE COUCH: WAYFINDING

 

Jean-Luc Picard: what are you thinking?

Cloris: suit of armor in the corner.

Jean-Luc: Round Table pizza?

Cloris: Gummiberry Juice.

Jean-Luc: ah yes, you know they only cultivated the grape used to make Gummiberry Juice in MY vineyard in France...

Cloris: doc i get the WORST headaches.

Jean-Luc: what are you drinking?

Cloris: how can i drink coffee without getting a headache?

Jean-Luc: decaf.

Cloris: perish the thought, what would be the point, my good man? why is Diet Coke big on TikTok all of a sudden? 

Jean-Luc: Caffeine Free Diet Coke is the only way.

Cloris: in that weird bronze can? that bronze can gave me nightmares as a girl.

Jean-Luc: it tastes like raw sewage but it's healthy for you. a spoonful of brown sugar makes the swill go down.

Cloris: i can't drink soda anymore, my body has rejected it. i've been able to maintain being happy my whole life because i consume large quantities of sugar. oh, and i get the worst KINK in my neck.

Jean-Luc: could be your pillow.

Jean-Luc: do you mind if i wear this sporran and piper socks?

Cloris: not at all. i can't see you, i only see the ceiling...

Jean-Luc: it's just, well, i get nervous around my patients. i wish one of my patients, whom i call coworkers, would give me a WEE dram of joy to keep me going through my day.

Cloris: you sound like Bede.

Marissa Dyan: the '90s Maiara Walsh...

Marissa Dyan: i say "i love you" SENSUALLY.

Annie Lennox: i am DYING to hear you say that to me...

Caitlin Mowrey: i kiss SLICK.

Luke Weaver: what the guy from Puddle of Mudd is doing now...

Jean-Luc Picard: i know football. and the Guardian Cap will save lives but no NFL player will ever wear it, it looks SUPER SILLY.

Pinhead: it looks like MY head without the pins. it'll save you from another concussion and i know concussions!!! do you know what it's like to have a pincushion for a head? this isn't acupuncture.

Tua: Dolphin-safe tuna, that's the only thing that matters...

me: a public high school in New York City? with dates and the prom and everything? the Manhattan High School students call their school Manny High, that is so COMFORTING.

Dion Basco: so loving. i'm Dante's brother, not father...

Marissa Dyan: i'm more than a butt.

me: City Guys is the show i would create if i was asked to create the perfect sitcom. i'm in, brother, i'm writing this, i dance the City Guys Stanky Leg from the moment i get up.

City Guys: what happened to us in the later seasons? we betrayed our concept. we were supposed to be the show about inclusion. Jamal the street black kid best friends with Chris the rich white boy, but those two don't hang out with each other anymore, Jamal hangs out with L-Train and their black girlfriends, it's all separated again, blank and white. why didn't Jamal get with Dawn to continue the theme of colorblind love?...

Marissa Dyan: why would i go to Duke? Duke is boring. i'm going to CalArts, i'm gonna draw my own show, it's gonna be like a Spanish Regular Show, i beat J.G. Quintel at Q*bert when i visited the CalArts campus...

Marcella Lowery: i'm that principal you had who looked like your mom...

Jen R at Safeway: i only hand this crisp $100 bill perched betwixt my fingers to one girl and one cashier girl only: Skylar.

Hayao Miyazaki: don't leave anything for later. later, the coffee gets cold. later, people lose interest in you. you wake up one morning and it's not cute anime critters anymore, it's you hungover from sake in your drawing den and everyone you've ever known is FUCKING GONE.

Dirg: focus on her fingers.

Mardith: what?

Dirg: her ring finger, is she married?...

Elvira: my big hair isn't Uzumaki, it's more like a widow's-peak black hole...

Elvira: my tits are the widowmaker...

Skylar at Safeway: what exactly do you do when you decide NOT to buy that brown bag of one donut? there's no trash can inside a grocery store...

Access Hollywood: we're filmed in front of a live studio audience? why?

Knight of Cups.

Christian Bale: my brother is more intense than me. my brother's EYES are more intense than my eyes. i've never had to deal with this before...

Lindy Lenz: tarot cards work, but are you willing to wait for me?

me: yes.

Lindy Lenz: i won't contact you for 13 years.........but i will contact you...

Anthony Bourdain: that's me in the glass elevator. i have a bicycle that's one foot too high, a clock that's a watch, and a giant stone egg for my Morning Meditations.

Terrence Malick: always underwater. 

Cleopatra: if my nose was longer there'd be no wars because i wouldn't have to lie like Pinocchio. i want to be ugly and left alone.

Antonio Banderas at a big Hollywood shindig at the Hearst Mansion: ladies and gentlemen, i have an announcement to make. Melanie Griffith doesn't like me anymore.

Larry Wilmore: what's your name?

Christian Bale: yeah.

Cate Blanchett: do you like Beck?

Christian: a little.

Cate: we mustn't be married a moment further. leaf-blowers are the bane of my existence. leaf-blowers, the most useless job. the fucking NOISE. they're hurting the environment, leaves are meant to be in a pile. compost instead of toilets. nought to a thousand. 

Terrence Malick: notice this shot here, the all-silver buildings and all-silver stairs and all-silver promenades of Downtown L.A., straight out of Repo Man... 

Tony Hawk: i'm a buttery skateboarder. me at IHOP, butter only on my pancakes...

Plomacy: a good name for one for those modern video games...

Terrence Malick: i want my patio to have a fountain...

Al Pacino: i play my hardest role yet, not a blind person who likes to ballroom, a new father at age 84. turns out the bambino is James Gandolfini reincarnated...

Alan Alda: who's more nice, you or me?

Tom Hanks: you started getting gray hair at age 25, that's stupid.

Good Morning Football: this show gets real LEAN on Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday...

Cloris: checks all the boxes, that expression makes me UNCOMFORTABLE.

Jean-Luc Picard: have you considered trying tea, madam?

Cloris: what's that? my husband Botic buys 365 boxes of tea a year but i've never sampled his stash. do you sniff it? inhale it? burn the stuff in a nice incense?

Jean-Luc: there's a trick to tea. life is a trick. brew your tea as normal for four minutes, make it HOT. British tea only, no Scottish samples. drink it with NO MILK, NO SUGAR. 

Cloris: what's the endgame here, doc?

Jean-Luc: soon you still use your teacup but you fill it with WATER, removing the tea aspect of it out completely. drinking water from a teacup is the sign of a civilized person.