Jean-Luc Picard: what's up with your hair?
Botic: you should talk.
Jean-Luc: your beard is long and scraggly and unkempt. your mustache is shaggy and twisty. you have white curly hairs on the top like a Dr. Seuss landscape. you look like a mountain man.
Botic: well i do live on a mountain.
Jean-Luc: you're a mountain Merlin.
Botic: it's my rally beard, i'm not shaving this off until Kamala wins.
Botic: i'm here because i want to figure out why i'm so obsessed with buses.
Jean-Luc: i don't get it, you have a beautiful loyal old wife at home. Cloris in your log cabin when she's not with me.
Botic: i don't talk to my wife, i obsess silently about buses.
Jean-Luc: lie here on this couch.
Botic: we're still doing this? i need a real doctor, not a TV doctor.
Jean-Luc: that was Crusher, i crushed her in my dorm bed in Oxford, that was one hot ginger bitch. she was pre-med so she salved her own soreness after the rough sex.
Beverly Crusher: i dressed my wounds like a champ. my emotional wounds.
Wesley: if you two hadn't really gone for it like that i wouldn't have been born.
Jean-Luc: better than Brian Benben could have done. better than Benben. anyway, that always gets my goat. i dreamed of cancelling my Star Trek contract and moving on. what we were talking about? YOUR problems?
Botic: van-dwelling is all the rage now on TikTok, we were doing that stuff in the '70s.
Jean-Luc: but is there any problem you have NOW? in the immediacy? a little less lifetime-ingrained?
Botic: why do day-old glazed doughnuts taste like Wheat Thins?
Jean-Luc: now THAT I can fix.
Top Gear hosts: wait, weren't we the blokes in the band Spinal Tap?...
Raul De Molina: my TIE is more interesting than any of these young hot long-legged Mexican models with the Aztec eyes...
Lili Estefan: i'm old but i'm a babe because my legs are still long...
the Hyottoko masks in Demon Slayer: they have their origin in the spout of a humidifier...
mom: the humidifier can't cure your cough, but it does lull you to sleep...
Anthony Bourdain: kids tho. be prepared to live miserably the rest of your life.........but be prepared to live...
Liam Payne: Bridge Day? today? in poor taste, mate.
Billy Corgan at the tribute concert, singing: the story of my life. is my life and times...
Progressive commercial.
Alan with his motorcycle at the front door: i brought my plus-one.
Jamie shuts the door.
Alan: but the real thing here is how does Jamie have a sprawling Boxing Helena mansion for a house? he works with us. he's our coworker. he has MY job!!!
speed wash: no flooding...
famous Mets fans: Jerry Seinfeld, John McEnroe, Grimace.
Quora: who is the blonde lady behind home plate at every baseball game?...
Mary Hart: ...
Mary Hart: shut up, Siri.
Dirg: when people call me "my friend," it feels cold to me...
Melissa Maker wearing big chocolate-chip-cookie eyeglasses: fine, i look like Encyclopedia Brown.
Heidi Fleiss: Charlie Sheen shoulda stuck with me, we had the same dark soul.
Tim Howard: i speak British with an American accent. are we about to be in a row?...
Jean-Luc: why you coughing?
Botic: the full moon.
Jean-Luc Picard: i had the Krabby Patty from Wendy's. i flushed it. it's now in a pineapple under the sea...
Hollyrock-a-Bye Baby.
me: i'm watching this for one reason and one reason only: the Rock Odyssey poster...
Jen R: oh that dank '90s nostalgia sends a shiver down my spine.
Fred Flintstone: yeah i'd like to ask MARY HART a question for a change. the Mets are coming!!!...
Barney Rubble: there is nothing cooler than a giant waterfall stone fountain of hot-as-lava melting fondue cheese.
Fred: i'm sure Raquel Welch cooks for her husband after a long day on the set.
Raquel Welch: i'm too much for most men, you tub of lard. i'm a maneater.
Pebbles: we've been busy.
Wilma: i don't get it, how long does it take to fuck? you and Bamm-Bamm have been in Hollyrock for six months...
Wilma Flintstone: the Wilma Flintstone voice is the greatest voice in art. there's no other voice like it in history, it's that classic Mid-Atlantic High New Englander voice of hope, distinguish, and nobility.
Jean Vander Pyl: i was a noblewoman. with jowls. i was your neighbor with the carton of eggs, the suburban housewife who lived in the Maine manson on the hill...
Bamm-Bamm: i'm not a bum, i'm working on my screenplay.
Pebbles: same thing.
Fred: i'll clean the house.........wait that can't be right...
Bamm-Bamm: selling an exercise bike door-to-door is tough.
Barney: your mother invented pilates. i tried to get Betty to stop...
Bamm-Bamm: i need an easy job, easy money.
Barney: drugs?
Bamm-Bamm: yeah. i'm in the big time, pop, i'm dealing Ozempic...
me: i didn't have any connections, either.
dad: i'll help you with your writing career, i'll be your agent the way Fred is Bamm-Bamm's agent in this movie...
Uzumaki episode 4.
Katy Tur's mom: the helicopter news chopper should have been swallowed by the tornado SILENTLY with NO EXPLOSION, that would have been scarier.
Garfield: the air-raid siren is a spiral, NICE TOUCH.
Cheshire Cat: the wilderness in this town is all Alice in Wonderland. i had the spiral FIRST, in my eyes.
Hookah Caterpillar: want some opium gum?
Tanizaki: Tanizaki? no, i'm Shel Silverstein.
me: i don't want to write the episode recaps for these 4 Uzumaki episodes on Wikipedia...
me: and now i shall curl up in the fetal position, the most perfect spiral of all. unlike the other spirals, this spiral is SOOTHING...
Alex Trebek: contestants hugging after a game of Jeopardy? weird.
Howie Long: if your team is defeated, root for the other team in your division, that's how sports work. sports are about divisions...
Kurt Cobain: i was born on Sue Bird Court...
Dirg: i live with my parents, but i'm a pro gamer, so...
Very Local: why is this channel suddenly blowing up?...
partridge: 10 Lords a Leaping, 8 Maids a Milking, and a Storybook International story in every pear tree!!! so i can fly down to Tampa to visit my grandmother the zebra.
Jules Smith: pearade.
Leslie Sbrocco in Budapest: i can't eat horse.
Tom Cruise on the beach: ...
Leslie Sbrocco: but i licked a Unicum barrel.
Tom Cruise: teach me how to be wild.
YouTube: you're watching YouTube videos so obviously your life is not going well. watch some BetterHelp therapy videos on YouTube or something...
Flavor Flav smashes a violin Pete Townshend-style.
Flavor Flav: do i get to be in Smashing Pumpkins now?
Pete Townshend: you had no idea there was an h in Townsend...
hurricane: hey, i helped the drought...
Boc: i kinda want a dog now, you know? to be like everyone else. i'll take him along on my walks, unleashed, i'll feel more comfortable in the mornings...
Jean-Luc: so what is it about buses?
Botic: they hypnotize me. there was one who came over our hill this afternoon, a big rig that was converted into a janky yellow school bus, i don't know what the artist was going for or if the artist was on speed but it worked. the roof was sheared off to form room for the classroom desks. barbed wire in the back window, it was a statement, it was a Jean-Michel Basquiat bus.
Basquiat: i don't eat biscuits.
Botic: and stuff like a giant weird-ass crane car truck would come steaming up to the mountain curb.
Jean-Luc: how'd it go?
Botic: with the cabin of the car four clear window panes. you can SEE the driveshaft moving through the glass panes as it gets levered in front turning the gas, brakes, and tire pedals. the car is a series of BOXES of four clear window glass panes. massive DRILL in the back for a trunk. like how does one DRIVE such a monstrosity on a city street? i'm so curious to try it.
Botic: there's this guy who drives around town in the morning in this futuristic KITT-like car, it's a massive silver coffin on four wheels. the front shield window is shaded but you can still see his Speed Racer sunglasses he has on and his lightning-bolt helmet. inside. when he turns the turn-signal on in the back and it flashes it looks silly on this machine. does a tank have turn signals? he's like a goth futurist.
Jean-Luc Picard: i know nothing of the future...
Jean-Luc: do you know why prescription bottles are orange?
Botic: but you haven't prescribed me any drugs!!! my wife Cloris warned me about you...
Jean-Luc Picard: to keep out the UV rays that'll destroy the drugs. or in my case, in space, to keep out the harmful rays of a photon torpedo hitting my bottle of pills.
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