MONASTIC COMPLETION: FIRE SALE

 

Peewit: come on, man, there's gotta be SOMETHING you like about the monastery.

Bede: the long skinny bonfires we have at night that reach up to the sky's ceiling. mostly i like impressing other men with my cooking skills.

Peewit: very Jack Tripper.

Jack Tripper: ramen men are best men.

Bede: see this kitchen, Peewit? this kitchen is ALL MINE, buddy boy. here's where i infuse my culinary creations with my own sauce and God's help. i like it when the other monks have an orgasmic reaction to my food, i mean that is all we're gonna get in here.

Peewit, farting into his Linus blanket: i gotta say, that is one smart-looking Dutch Oven.  

Bede: it's the color of powder blue like Kurt Cobain's electric guitar. Kurt dropped it off himself.

Peewit: and topped off himself. are you mandolin'ing the pumpkins?

Bede: check.

Peewit: as your musical accompaniment to your cooking, do you want me to play my flute or my lute?...

Bede: speaking of, the witches are coming over this morning. i said witches, not bitches. 

Peewit: the nuns.

Doryce and Gladyce arrive from thin air.

Doryce: greetings and black magic to you all. 

Gladyce: we see a lot of gourds and corn on the doorsteps of all you guys' cells but no pumpkins.

Bede: we don't celebrate Halloween up here. 

Peewit: if he did, he'd do it '80s-style with a REAL candle inside the jack-o'-lantern. 

Bede: we celebrate Harvest. the monks use all these corn-on-the-cobs as their vibrators.

Doryce: monk buttholes? sorry, i tend to pry. vibrator virtue can be a thing.

Gladyce: dears, we carve in a way to which you may not be accustomed. 

Bede: and custom is everything.

Gladyce: we use our long sharp pointy witch nail instead of a knife. we carve pumpkins into jackess-o'-lanterns with Samhain carvings, not Halloween carvings. 

Doryce: Halloween is for amateurs.

Bede: now i'm craving a carving. she said jackess, not jackoff, Peewit, don't get excited.

Peewit putting on a jacket: Johnny Knoxville is my hero.

Bede: Dennis Donohue? you're in here? you're a monk? makes sense.

Dennis Donohue: how?

Bede: you're Santa Claus without the beard. 

Dennis Donohue: Santa is old hat. old Santa hat. i want to be known as a true liberal changer of the world.

Phil Donahue: you'll never get there. you're fat me. you're Fat Phil Donahue. I was the one who upgraded the Cesar Chavez Library and gave every public-school student a library card. people who look like other people but are fat, on the next Donahue...

KFC: we've never really done a Halloween promotion...

John Lennon: nothing box.........not Yoko.

the Ice King from Adventure Time: Ice Roast, why didn't NesCafe have this cool drink around during my reign?

NesCafe: the coffee you drink while playing Nintendo...

Erik ten Hag: i now have the time to pursue my dream job: working at Erik's DeliCafe...

Charles Barkley: don't blame me for your puny Subway sub, i ate all the meat but ghost-pepper bread gives me gas.

Goku Midnight Eye, Episode 1.

Yoko: so i live in an apartment complex where we have rooms but no stairs...

naked Yoko: sucking on cigarettes is not the same as sucking on tits.

assassin: but, how did you?...

Goku: sorry, baby, i started watching cartoon episodes of Aeon Flux on MTV...

villain: i have to see a man about a carpet, a man called Lebowski.

Goku: now THAT's a waterfall.

"Fighting in the Danger": the ultimate Pole Position level, night stage...

AI: you don't have to change the world, just get a rinky-dink computer...

Mary Hart: i'm behind home plate at Yankee Stadium. you can't see me because i'm wearing a black Gore-Tex coat...

at 7-Eleven. 

Splenda: try salt...

Jean-Luc Picard: yes, put salt in your tea.

Kurt Cobain: i know what the real nirvana is. i know how to achieve it, how to get there, how to go there and stay there. 

Bede: how? as a monk i'm lost.

Kurt: combine every single Slurpee flavor into one magical rainbow slush.

Bede: isn't that just brainfreeze?

Peewit is showering in the monastic shower.

Peewit: i'm telling you it was a sign!!! a holy sign!!! a sign from above!!!

Bede: what'd you see?

Peewit: on the soap tray stuck to the tile of the monastery shower, the soap was carved in such a way that it looked like a Playstation 2 controller. i'm the demographic for this!!! i'm an 18-year-old college student from Medieval times. PS2 is my fave system!!!

naked Link: not the Roman Catholic system? catechism? my tiny hearts are broke in half.

Bede: this wasn't witches' work, it was just the happenstance of the soap deteriorating in such a way that it melted in that shape. the happenstance of God, that shape could be anything. let go of that memory, kid, thinking about video games in here is a recipe for dark disappointment and heraldic heartbreak.

Teri Garr: Mr. Mom? Young Frankenstein? Tootsie? no, SNL coffee, look it up...

Lorne Michaels: Java Junkie, back when SNL used to do shortform films rather than skits.

Louise Lasser: nobody saw MY SNL shortform film...

Anthony Richardson: sleep deprivation is a real thing.

Andrew Luck: that's why i retired.

Anthony Richardson: this is all YOUR fault.

Ear Horn: what happened to courtship? what happened to romance on a train? what happened to the Frank Sinatra song "Witchcraft"?...

Frank Sinatra: why wasn't my song "Witchcraft" in Bell, Book, and Candle?...

Kim Novak: because you're not my type.

Aaron Judge: Yankees on the brink.

Shohei: of an enormous new discovery?

Aaron Judge: of elimination.

Shohei: i'm a happy-go-lucky anime man. i see the bright side of life.

Alfred Hitchcock: The Pride of the Yankees, one of my films, right?...

Lili Estefan: El Gordo y La Flaca has won Emmys.........you're thinking about Knight of Cups right now...

Jackie Fitzgerald: aren't you glad it's me at your door and not Dan Casagrande at your door?

Ariana Araiza: orange dress or black dress for Halloween? orange, so you can see my curves.

coffee: it's bad for your cough, it's in the name.

Bede starts to cry like a flagellating Medieval saint.

Peewit: why you crying? come on, man, the universe doesn't give a fuck about your life or my life. 

Bede: this is not how it was supposed to go down. the powder-blue Kurt Dutch Oven, i'm not using it to bake a Brazilian buffet, i'm using it to catch all the DRIP DRIP DRIPs of the leaking cell ceiling roof of the kitchen above. 

Peewit: oh that's my bad, bro, i think that's MY shower.

Bede punches a hole in the wall of the food cell.

Bede: DAMN it, man. this SUCKS. why is my life THIS?!!! I'M FUCKING SUFFOCATING IN HERE!!!  

 

 

 

MONASTIC COMPLETION: NO NEW MEMBERS

 

Bede: it's atmospheric-river season, i feel it in my bones.

Brother Bede looks out this grey morning to the yonder yonder. beyond the last peek of peak of hill. his cell in the monastery is a treehouse, it's on top of a spiraling oak tree on the furthest left flank.

Bede: it's like i'm this monastery's last line of defense, its common sense, its turret. i better get the awning up, looks like rain. my doorsill is either slippery from rain or my morning masturbation cum. 

he receives a telephone call in his office, which is his bed.

Bede: Eterna monastery, Bede speaking, you're lucky i'm not taking a vow of silence. what? you're the nuns from our sister convent over the hill? well come on over and let's have a Mr. Roper party!!! how come we've never seen you guys before? oh yeah, we're both monasteries.

Abbotess Triangle: the connection here is bad. religious phone lines are notoriously unreliable. what i was TRYING to say before i was so rudely cut off is we had nothing to do with the voter fraud.

Bede: there's an election going on? i don't give a fuck about the world anymore.

Triangle: how can it be voter fraud when we don't get the chance to vote!!! we're orphaned from the voting process because we're nuns!!! they figure we wouldn't be interested in something as worldly as politics. ugliness is on the inside, too, i know this for a fact. anyway i'm sending over two of our best nuns, Doryce and Gladyce, to you guys' place to do a little Halloween decorating, Lord knows you could use the spruce. 

Bede: are they witches?

Triangle: yes.

Bede: perfect for Halloween.

Kurt Cobain pulls up in his powder-blue Porsche. he hits the town-square well of the monastic village in the middle clearing of the castle.

Bede: what do you want, Shaggy? i'm busy.

Kurt Cobain: doing what? i'm not driving while on pot, i did that deliberately. i broke through the wall of this place with a well. wellness check. water is your only way out.

Bede: water will set me free? come on, man, who are you, Free Willy? 

Kurt: i just came up to visit your lonely soul and to drop off this silky dishwasher.

Bede: yes, i've heard about this dishwasher, the one with the silky gel pacs. community dishwasher, what a piece of shit. we're monks, we're supposed to be washing and drying our dishes with our rugged hands.

Kurt: where do you want it?

Usagi from Sailor Moon: put it in my cell, in the middle of my bedroom for some reason during the Christmas episode...

Kurt: how do you do this? what is your future?

Bede: we monks are trained not to think in terms of the future. it is LITERALLY just what's in front of you TODAY. tomorrow is a firefly. thinking about the future is depressing. 

Kurt: i never had a future. and my past was short.

Bede: my past is mossy.

me: i was always scared of the weekend.

A&W: the R&B drink.

Lili Estefan: El Gordo y La Flaca preempted all week for the World Series?!!! that fucking sucks!!! i get it tho, i understand, béisbol por cultura.

Marcello Hernandez: ...

Ingmar Bergman: my movies are Halloween fare all year round...

Reynolds Wrap: you only use me for pizza...

Leslie Sbrocco: but i never traveled to East Asia, you know? i never traveled to a truly EXOTIC place.

Bede, petting: hey boy. who's a good boy.

the new monastery dog is a Rough Collie named Carny.

Bede: i named him Carny, short for Reincarnated. a little Catholic-clapback humor there.

Carny: yes i'm a Rough Collie like Lassie. like Lassie i've had a rough life. what's it like being a monastic dog? i don't want to be free from sin, i want to be free from fleas. tonight's the special moon, i've invited the fellas over to witness it. these guys are sheltered indoor cats, they've never experienced the moon ONCE!!!

later that night, at midnight, three cats---Greykid, Trinity, and Talia---are experiencing the full moon for the first time in their lives.

all three cats howl at the moon.

Talia: that was an experience.

Greykid: i'm freaking out, man.

Trinity: why is Ms. Moon teasing me so tonight?

Carny: you got her on her good day, normally she's the skinniest of slivers. you sexy sliver.

Ms. Moon: i gotta watch my weight to attract the fellas so they holler at me...

  

City Guys: if Degrassi was on network TV...

City Guys: i feel like our theme song should be The Jets "Crush on You..."

Obama to the crowd: it's not every day the man from the commercials is at your doorstep.

Dan Casagrande: ...

Obama: and it's not a fun occasion like his fun commercials with the dog, Reverse Man Dan is looking to collect, he's like a Medieval Black Plague taxman Grim Reaper.

Goku Midnight Eye, Episode 1.

Goku: no shirt, vest, skinny tie...

Suzy Lu: Goku, my favorite character.

Steve Blum: it hurts the audience to see me behaving like a cad and having a potty mouth. i'm TOM. i'm Steve Blum, remember? i'm the good guy.

Goku: ballrocker earthquakes, like the World Series one in San Francisco. like the one we JUST HAD...

stripper: ride me like a motorcycle.........literally.

Mary Elizabeth McGlynn: don't call any other woman you work with "baby," i'm Motoko Kusanagi.

peacock-feather eyes: the Vaporware purple hypnotizes...

Goku: don't bend the gun barrel up like this is Looney Tunes or my cock, that ruins the gun. here, just take the gun!!!

Goku: my eye is a microwave now? i don't want to be Steve Austin, i like my Japanese name. i'm a bionic man because i'm a Japanese man. i'm the Six Million Yen Man. oh good, well at least i can still watch my favorite movie: WarGames.

Shohei Ohtani: i'm okay.

Freddie Freeman: don't sell yourself short like that, friend Shohei, you're better than okay, you're a once-in-a-generation baseball player.

Shohei: no, my shoulder injury is okay.

Freddie: wrists are everything...

Shohei: i'm the Say-Hei Kid...

Ice Cube: L.A., motherfucker. Los Angeles. remember? never forget where you come from.

Fernando Valenzuela: here, have some Hot Tamales, i can't give people hotfoot anymore.

Shohei: the tamales or the candies?

Fernando: hotfoot with real matches, that was an '80s thing. pranks at the reservation where i grew up. groundworks. i'm the first Native American to throw a no-hitter...

Fernando Valenzuela: now when i look up, i'm home.

fragile state: a country that's not gonna make it...

Trent Reznor: also, my personality.

Suzy Lu: Stevie Nicks, Garry Shandling, i feel you, i feel you guys DEEPLY. there's gotta be more to life than my Discord...

Eric Wareheim: i was at The Rumble in the Jungle...

Samantha: Thundarr the Barbarian, Ariel, and Ookla were in my kitchen. NOTHING i will ever do in my life henceforth will be as remarkable as this moment. there's only one thing i can do. when i grow up, i'm becoming She-Ra...

Dwayne Wade statue: i was built by the Matrix...

Jules Smith checking the scores on her British Summer Time watch: don't get ahead of yourself...

Peewit from The Smurfs has come to the monastery asking for a BIG FAVOR. he's walked uphill on foot for a very long time.

Peewit: i mean you have to realize one thing, me and the rest of these characters in all these Storybook International television stories, we travel on these dirt Medieval roads BAREFOOT. where's Bede?

Bede: keep it short, i'm busy.

Peewit: hardy har har har, very funny. i'm not tall. 

Bede: sorry, dude, the monastery is entering its completion, we're not accepting any new members. we're gonna stick it out with the monks we have already, the monks who brought us here. to this point.

Peewit: that seems stupid.

Bede: i know but i'm not Abbot Butt.

Peewit: but i'm a hard-luck case. Gargamel killed my parents, i have nowhere to go.

Bede: nah, i don't believe that, Gargamel ain't like that, he has a cherubic face. he's a lovable villain, sweet and nice and squeezable inside. 

Peewit: you're just jealous, you just want Gargamel's robe.

Bede: that i do. Gargamel's voice reveals his sincerity.

Peewit: what the fuck am i gonna do if i'm not a monk?

Bede: literally ANYTHING else would be more fun.

 

 

 

 

BOTIC'S BUS: NEVER REMEMBER THE COLD

 

Jean-Luc Picard: okay, Botulism, i'm gonna hypnotize you now.

Botic: that's Botic.

Jean-Luc: can i call you Body by Jake? he was a funny guy.

Botic: are you a real doctor?

Jean-Luc: ask Bones. i'm a doctor of space. 

Botic: don't stroke your beard, it's creepy.

Jean-Luc: lie on the couch and close your eyes. "Rain Closures" by Hello Meteor will pipe through the stereo system above, its dulcet tones will become the air in the room. the music rains down, cascades down, filters down until it becomes the monad in your butt. you are getting sleepy, VERY sleepy.

Botic: but i don't want to sleep. i want to be relaxed, though.

Jean-Luc: okay, what is your happiest memory?

Botic, eyes closed: fine. i'll tell you. my wife has left to go teach her woodshop class at the community center down below. i'm all alone up on the mountain in the late morning, 11AM, it's just me, the dishwasher, and the chirping birds. as i run the dishwasher OH those Finish Powerball Quantum detergent gel pacs are so SILKY, have you noticed this? it's because there are THREE things in that gel pac: the blue powder, the green gel, and the red dot...

Jean-Luc: OH COME ON, MAN!!! SURELY there's a reason why you're avoiding your wife like this!!!...

Carlos Reygadas: i do not look like a young Fidel Castro. if anything i look like Che Guevara. my next film will be about that time the Angel of Independence flashed her tits at Mexico in the square after the earthquake...

milk sponge: Doryce on Thursdays eating cake...

bathroom spray on top of the toilet: use me only for poo, not pee, you gotta save that spray.

new toothbrush: i'm a HARD BLOCK on your gums, i weigh down against your gums, stretching your gums out with every stroke.

Andy Warhol: i made a Super 8 home movie in my factory with my dimestore shoebox camera where the camera is just inside my mouth for 36 minutes...

The Barnyard: there's a small WATCH YOUR STEP sign by the shrub stairs. we didn't have to do that. appreciate that.

Hookah Caterpillar: very Alice in Wonderland-esque.

Berkeley: after the election, come to Berkeley, come over and live in Berkeley, it will be the last island of sanity...

humidifier: don't turn the heat on with me on, we cancel each other out.

the Roman mosaic Stussy S coffee mug: i'm cool to look at but i'm not microwaveable. i know i know, you want to use me for those special drink occasions, but...

Kalimba: we go for it, man. we got clear bongos, synth, and a seashell...

Jillian Clare at the library: books before boys because boys bring babies...

Bob Marley: hemp milk, produces reggae babies.

Nicholas Rowe: as Young Sherlock Holmes i had that face you have never forgotten...

Lou Gish: the nose, the lips, you are Jughead in real life now as a man. a real character-actor chap.

Nicholas Rowe: i could play Bach. i used to have a fat face and curly hair.

Lou Gish: babyfat, it was cute. i played drums on the Smashing Pumpkins' first album...

Alan Cox: why wasn't i Harry Potter?...

Quarter Pounder with Cheese: Salinas slivered onions...

uada: not UEFA...

Obama: don't get narrowcast. it's priced in. priced into the stock. get out the vote. it's about the turnout machine.

Obama: don't get spooky on me now, Dan Casagrande.

*the crowd laughs*

Obama: i mean you're in commercials, Reverse Man Dan, i can't exactly say no to you...

Hollyrock-a-Bye Baby.

Jerry Houser: what about MY distinctive voice?

Alan Reed: if you were in showbiz in the '60s, you were from New York City...

Mammoth Pizza: Bedrock's Fat Slice.

Grandma Slaghoople at the baby shower: it's a rag. i mean it's baby's first clothes.

Open 2+ Hours: a day is 2 hours in prehistoric times...

Jen R: when i was a kid i wanted one of those Flintstones RVs made of rocks so badly.

designer pizza: peanut-butter pizza...

Bamm-Bamm: thanks, dad-in-law, you ruined my life. it took me 30 years to chisel that one copy of my screenplay.

Michelangelo: and it will take you the rest for your life to chisel a second copy. always have two copies of your work...

Barney Rubble: why are we at the Hollywood Bowl, Fred?

Fred Flintstone: i'm here to see Bette Midler, she was very formative in my teen years. Beaches always makes me cry.

mom: that's sweet, Fred calls Wilma's mom mom like i called dad's mom mom.

Poopsy: why is this Dragon Ball pearl a white-painted bowling ball?

gangster: it's covered in my cum, my love for you.

Poopsy: *sigh* fine. but i want a nail file for our anniversary.

Mary Hart: i should have been in Wind-Up Wilma!!!...

tour guide: on your right is a former child star on probation.........remember, this movie is for kids...

Barney in the delivery room with a camcorder: i'm filming the birth for America's Funniest Home Videos!!!

Dino: the kids' names are Steroids and Mouth...

me: R&B always makes me cry.

David Henrie: for some reason the only thing i can do is act in Disney Channel sitcoms about teen wizards...

Sydney Scotia: so obviously i'm from Canada...

Humphrey Bogart: film-noir films are Halloween for adults...

Maria Menounos: i wish i was Lana Del Rey...

Lili Estefan: El Gordo y La Flaca is a dangerous name for a show. the producers wouldn't let me eat cake. not even my own birthday cake.

Raul De Molina: the producers wouldn't let me get emergency lap band surgery, i could have been flaca and healthy 20 years ago...

Boc: walking in the morning is a good thing for insomniacs...

Carmel: do not join the flock...

Boc: why does the crosswalk button start playing Mexican AM radio from the '80s when it's time to go?...

Botic: i think i figured it out. the reason i avoid my wife is because i never want to be the reason Cloris stops being happy. if that means i stop talking to her, stop interacting with her, it's because i'll inevitably do something stupid, be dense, not notice a great thing she did that day, and she'll start to cry, and i never want Cloris to be sad. being happy in this world is impossible now. so i distract myself with buses, bread, and my butt, and whatever else is around, so long as i don't break Cloris. Cloris's happiness is the last best hope of earth.

Jean-Luc: i think that's it, mate. by Jove he's got it!!! because of me you had a breakthrough.

Botic: no no, i figured that out all on my own.

Jean-Luc Picard: so did you see what i was getting at with that whole dishwasher metaphor?

Botic: huh?

Jean-Luc: see you don't have to wash your dirty plates and bowls and pots and pans and tubs of gum with HOT WATER, you can wash them just as well with COLD WATER, even to scrape off caked-on grime. you need not burn your hands.

Botic: but doesn't a dishwasher use hot water?... 

 

BOTIC'S BUS: QUEENSRYCHE IN THE CORNER

 

Jean-Luc Picard: think back. what song do you think of when you think of your high school years?

Botic: i don't want to think about high school, those were lean times for me, terrible times.

Jean-Luc: good memories or bad memories, you can't stay away from your past self. 

Botic: that entire Smash album from The Offspring.

Jean-Luc: yeah. "Keep Em Separated" was an original but "Self Esteem" was just a Nirvana ripoff.

Botic: and you?

Jean-Luc, singing: EVEN FLOW

Botic: that's a good voice on you, did you do Broadway at Oxford?

Jean-Luc: i am sorry for the deception, that wasn't true, i was trying to be popular. it was Poison for me, i truly thought that band would be what Nirvana ended up being.

Mudhoney: tell us about it.

Jean-Luc: sure, "Unskinny Bop" was for the corporates and degenerates but "Something to Believe In" became my religion, and i'm a spaceman.

Gabe Kotter at Round Table Pizza: suit of armor in the corner. i wore that exact suit of armor to a 1971 costume party at Peter Parker's place where i met my wife Julie.

Julie Kotter: i was dressed as naked, that suit of armor came in handy.

Gabe: that suit of armor was handsy. Queensryche are from Queens, New York, i saw their first show.

Geoff Tate: more like Queens, Seattle. that was Jerry Seinfeld's first show. we're not sick, we don't need to go to the hospital. everybody thinks we're from Canada. we don't know Rush.

Bridget Lancaster: spread your love around.........i was talking about the butter...

Dragon Balls: you think the Dragon Balls are the size of cantaloupes, but they're more like marbles...

Obama: remember during my presidency when everyone would drop what they were doing to watch each and every one of my speeches on TV? each and every word of mine would be listened to, even on dry tax policy. for the speechcraft. to be inspired. to be lifted up. don't get over your rock now. you still gotta vote. VOTE. Rock the Vote, let's get back to '90s MTV.

Tabitha Soren: remember when i would tell you to vote in my soft voice and you'd do it? you voted for Bill Clinton, remember? Perot was on the ballot, you had three choices, not two. and then later that night you watched a new episode of Aeon Flux...

mom: nursing home? but they have Skittles, right?...

Bud Cort: your usual manifest spot is now just your Brewster McCloud recollection spot...

the sun: i hate orange...

Halloween: chocolate is out, gummies are in.

Jen R: THOSE gummies.

Hollyrock-a-Bye Baby.

Pebbles: YOU DID THIS TO ME!!!

Bamm-Bamm: but Pebs, you were the one who wanted to fuck.

Pebbles: i'm not being hormonal, i am genuinely being driven crazy by my parents. 

Bamm-Bamm: it's okay, babe, we have each other. it's we two vs. the world. the sugarcubes thing, i'll write the Bjork Lifetime Movie.

Lars von Trier: can i have a hand with that?...

Pebbles: salad? this is all wrong. if i eat salad instead of brontoburgers and Fruity Pebbles cereal during my pregnancy, the baby will come out deformed.

Fred Flintstone: worry not, Pebbley-Poo, you'll be burping out that baby in no time.

Pebbles: that's not how it works, dad.

Pebbles: a draft? but if the baby's bassinet is not by the window, he can't look out and dream of escaping this hick town to live his dreams.

Trent Reznor: it's like me and the cornfields. i was born in a wicker cot in Medieval times, i had a straw rattle...

bassinet: you think it's where the baby takes a bath...

Trent Reznor: i played Judas in my 7th Grade production of Jesus Christ Superstar...

Mary Hart: i wouldn't mind getting stuck in the tar with him.

John Tesh: me?

Mary Hart: no, Fernando Valenzuela. R.I.P., slugger. best pitcher.

me: Fernando Valenzuela was my hero. not my baseball hero, my hero. 

Jen R: you look up to the sky whenever you drive a car.

Dwight Gooden: when you start a car, look up to Heaven.

Fernando Valenzuela: life is so short. it is so so short. so little time on this precious Earth, the Mexican dunes. was it all worth it to be the only Mexican with a no-hitter? i'm looking at Our Lady of Guadalupe's face right now and she's nodding at me.

Pati Jinich: bull testicles? i'm not making this back home with my son Juju... 

Jack Tripper: there is nothing more beautiful than carrying your wife's big duffel bag along with you as you attend her Lamaze class with her at the hospital at night. 

Clair Huxtable: the glow of the hospital lobby at night, the pink papers pinned to the bulletin board, the basket of bread on the oval nurses station.

Clair Huxtable: i'm uppity? no, child, i'm rich but i'm normal.

Aaron Rodgers: the Jets are in the fire. i liked it better when it was just me in the shadows.

Jack Tripper: take a Lamaze class, see how the other half lives, this is what men who live real lives do, it reminds me of when i went to night school for cooking.

Pebbles: give Aaron Rodgers an apple the size of a beach ball, the apples i eat now, and see how he feels...

Ex-President Bump at McDonald's: E. coli in the slivered onions of Quarter Pounder with Cheeses? did my administration do anything about that?...

Pence: no, you just ordered from there a lot.

Catherine Tate: no more Quarterbacks with Cheese!!! no more dandy boys like Tom Brady. we need Tony Blair out there on that handegg field wearing one of those cheeky fashionable Ab Fab Guardian Caps on his tiny Tony head.

Tony Blair: why does my phone fart when there's a call?

Stefanos Tsitsipas: i want Christian Bale playing me in the movie, okay?

Christian Bale: win a major first, mate.

lioness on the Skeleton Coast: this is the REAL Lion King.

the NFL Plus Know-It-All: no, i'm not a sassy Encyclopedia Brown, i'm the Nerd from Robot Chicken in real life...

Botic: you should come up with me to the mountain cabin, escape your troubles.

Jean-Luc Picard: nah, all that mountain air makes me sick. i prefer the no air of space.

Botic: what's your deep dark nightmare about yourself navigating through life?

Jean-Luc: and a fine navigator i am. fine. i'll tell you. raccoons. racoons give me such a fright. a raccoon lifted the lid of my trash bin and shredded all the trash bags inside. 

Botic: it was the smell of Depends.

Jean-Luc: i don't know how he did it but the varmint opened the dang lid!!! 

Botic: come on, man, you gotta relax. what do you use to relax?

Jean-Luc: Dubble Bubble. a tub of Dubble Bubble, i climb into that tub naked and have a bath. 

Botic: remember Certs?

Jean-Luc: FUCK YEAH Certs!!! 

Botic: that double-mint in the hole.

Jean-Luc: like my first wife. that was my mint, that was my jam, my raspberry-ripple Certs, that was my covid lozenge. they discontinued Certs just as covid was starting. why? they could've helped. my favorite Certs flavor was bubblegum.

 

BOTIC'S BUS: MAGIC BASEBALL

 

Jean-Luc Picard: what's up with your hair?

Botic: you should talk.

Jean-Luc: your beard is long and scraggly and unkempt. your mustache is shaggy and twisty. you have white curly hairs on the top like a Dr. Seuss landscape. you look like a mountain man.

Botic: well i do live on a mountain. 

Jean-Luc: you're a mountain Merlin.

Botic: it's my rally beard, i'm not shaving this off until Kamala wins.

Botic: i'm here because i want to figure out why i'm so obsessed with buses.

Jean-Luc: i don't get it, you have a beautiful loyal old wife at home. Cloris in your log cabin when she's not with me.

Botic: i don't talk to my wife, i obsess silently about buses. 

Jean-Luc: lie here on this couch.

Botic: we're still doing  this? i need a real doctor, not a TV doctor.

Jean-Luc: that was Crusher, i crushed her in my dorm bed in Oxford, that was one hot ginger bitch. she was pre-med so she salved her own soreness after the rough sex. 

Beverly Crusher: i dressed my wounds like a champ. my emotional wounds.

Wesley: if you two hadn't really gone for it like that i wouldn't have been born.

Jean-Luc: better than Brian Benben could have done. better than Benben. anyway, that always gets my goat. i dreamed of cancelling my Star Trek contract and moving on. what we were talking about? YOUR problems?  

Botic: van-dwelling is all the rage now on TikTok, we were doing that stuff in the '70s.

Jean-Luc: but is there any problem you have NOW? in the immediacy? a little less lifetime-ingrained?

Botic: why do day-old glazed doughnuts taste like Wheat Thins?

Jean-Luc: now THAT I can fix.

Top Gear hosts: wait, weren't we the blokes in the band Spinal Tap?...

Raul De Molina: my TIE is more interesting than any of these young hot long-legged Mexican models with the Aztec eyes...

Lili Estefan: i'm old but i'm a babe because my legs are still long...

the Hyottoko masks in Demon Slayer: they have their origin in the spout of a humidifier...

mom: the humidifier can't cure your cough, but it does lull you to sleep...

Anthony Bourdain: kids tho. be prepared to live miserably the rest of your life.........but be prepared to live...

Liam Payne: Bridge Day? today? in poor taste, mate.

Billy Corgan at the tribute concert, singing: the story of my life. is my life and times...

Progressive commercial.

Alan with his motorcycle at the front door: i brought my plus-one.

Jamie shuts the door.

Alan: but the real thing here is how does Jamie have a sprawling Boxing Helena mansion for a house? he works with us. he's our coworker. he has MY job!!!

speed wash: no flooding...

famous Mets fans: Jerry Seinfeld, John McEnroe, Grimace.

Quora: who is the blonde lady behind home plate at every baseball game?...

Mary Hart: ...

Mary Hart: shut up, Siri.

Dirg: when people call me "my friend," it feels cold to me...

Melissa Maker wearing big chocolate-chip-cookie eyeglasses: fine, i look like Encyclopedia Brown.

Heidi Fleiss: Charlie Sheen shoulda stuck with me, we had the same dark soul.

Tim Howard: i speak British with an American accent. are we about to be in a row?...

Jean-Luc: why you coughing?

Botic: the full moon.

Jean-Luc Picard: i had the Krabby Patty from Wendy's. i flushed it. it's now in a pineapple under the sea...

Hollyrock-a-Bye Baby.

me: i'm watching this for one reason and one reason only: the Rock Odyssey poster...

Jen R: oh that dank '90s nostalgia sends a shiver down my spine.

Fred Flintstone: yeah i'd like to ask MARY HART a question for a change. the Mets are coming!!!...

Barney Rubble: there is nothing cooler than a giant waterfall stone fountain of hot-as-lava melting fondue cheese.

Fred: i'm sure Raquel Welch cooks for her husband after a long day on the set.

Raquel Welch: i'm too much for most men, you tub of lard. i'm a maneater.

Pebbles: we've been busy.

Wilma: i don't get it, how long does it take to fuck? you and Bamm-Bamm have been in Hollyrock for six months...

Wilma Flintstone: the Wilma Flintstone voice is the greatest voice in art. there's no other voice like it in history, it's that classic Mid-Atlantic High New Englander voice of hope, distinguish, and nobility.

Jean Vander Pyl: i was a noblewoman. with jowls. i was your neighbor with the carton of eggs, the suburban housewife who lived in the Maine manson on the hill...

Bamm-Bamm: i'm not a bum, i'm working on my screenplay. 

Pebbles: same thing.

Fred: i'll clean the house.........wait that can't be right...

Bamm-Bamm: selling an exercise bike door-to-door is tough. 

Barney: your mother invented pilates. i tried to get Betty to stop...

Bamm-Bamm: i need an easy job, easy money.

Barney: drugs?

Bamm-Bamm: yeah. i'm in the big time, pop, i'm dealing Ozempic...

me: i didn't have any connections, either.

dad: i'll help you with your writing career, i'll be your agent the way Fred is Bamm-Bamm's agent in this movie...

Uzumaki episode 4.

Katy Tur's mom: the helicopter news chopper should have been swallowed by the tornado SILENTLY with NO EXPLOSION, that would have been scarier.

Garfield: the air-raid siren is a spiral, NICE TOUCH.

Cheshire Cat: the wilderness in this town is all Alice in Wonderland. i had the spiral FIRST, in my eyes.

Hookah Caterpillar: want some opium gum?

Tanizaki: Tanizaki? no, i'm Shel Silverstein.

me: i don't want to write the episode recaps for these 4 Uzumaki episodes on Wikipedia...

me: and now i shall curl up in the fetal position, the most perfect spiral of all. unlike the other spirals, this spiral is SOOTHING...

Alex Trebek: contestants hugging after a game of Jeopardy? weird.

Howie Long: if your team is defeated, root for the other team in your division, that's how sports work. sports are about divisions...

Kurt Cobain: i was born on Sue Bird Court...

Dirg: i live with my parents, but i'm a pro gamer, so...

Very Local: why is this channel suddenly blowing up?...

partridge: 10 Lords a Leaping, 8 Maids a Milking, and a Storybook International story in every pear tree!!! so i can fly down to Tampa to visit my grandmother the zebra. 

Jules Smith: pearade.

Leslie Sbrocco in Budapest: i can't eat horse.

Tom Cruise on the beach: ...

Leslie Sbrocco: but i licked a Unicum barrel.

Tom Cruise: teach me how to be wild.

YouTube: you're watching YouTube videos so obviously your life is not going well. watch some BetterHelp therapy videos on YouTube or something...

Flavor Flav smashes a violin Pete Townshend-style.

Flavor Flav: do i get to be in Smashing Pumpkins now?

Pete Townshend: you had no idea there was an h in Townsend...

hurricane: hey, i helped the drought...

Boc: i kinda want a dog now, you know? to be like everyone else. i'll take him along on my walks, unleashed, i'll feel more comfortable in the mornings...

Jean-Luc: so what is it about buses?

Botic: they hypnotize me. there was one who came over our hill this afternoon, a big rig that was converted into a janky yellow school bus, i don't know what the artist was going for or if the artist was on speed but it worked. the roof was sheared off to form room for the classroom desks. barbed wire in the back window, it was a statement, it was a Jean-Michel Basquiat bus.

Basquiat: i don't eat biscuits.

Botic: and stuff like a giant weird-ass crane car truck would come steaming up to the mountain curb. 

Jean-Luc: how'd it go?

Botic: with the cabin of the car four clear window panes. you can SEE the driveshaft moving through the glass panes as it gets levered in front turning the gas, brakes, and tire pedals. the car is a series of BOXES of four clear window glass panes. massive DRILL in the back for a trunk. like how does one DRIVE such a monstrosity on a city street? i'm so curious to try it.

Botic: there's this guy who drives around town in the morning in this futuristic KITT-like car, it's a massive silver coffin on four wheels. the front shield window is shaded but you can still see his Speed Racer sunglasses he has on and his lightning-bolt helmet. inside. when he turns the turn-signal on in the back and it flashes it looks silly on this machine. does a tank have turn signals? he's like a goth futurist.

Jean-Luc Picard: i know nothing of the future...

Jean-Luc: do you know why prescription bottles are orange?

Botic: but you haven't prescribed me any drugs!!! my wife Cloris warned me about you...

Jean-Luc Picard: to keep out the UV rays that'll destroy the drugs. or in my case, in space, to keep out the harmful rays of a photon torpedo hitting my bottle of pills.