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Stevie Nicks: your court-jester face saves my world.
Garry Shandling: i'm ugly. that's why i'm a comedian. my job is to make people laugh, that's how i heal.
Stevie: are you Jewish?
Garry: i'm Buddhist. i want to show you something.
Stevie: let's go.
two hours later. after the two have had a chance to stroll through the Zen garden.
Garry: what was your favorite part of our garden path?
Stevie: the smell of gardenias, that fairy scent will lock inside my nose forever.
Garry: better than coke.
Stevie: i'm on a journey of healing.
Garry: me too. i'm on one of those healing journeys. how long has it been?
Stevie: forever.
the two take their third relationship-confirming date at Pizza Hut.
Stevie: we're solid.
Garry: now we are.
Rich Hall: Rich Hall for Pizza Hut. i'm not ugly, my face is cherubic. here with Gillian Anderson. how do you like your new pizza?
Scully: pizza can be new? has an alien taste to it.
Queensryche is the Pizza Hut band. the backing band in the background adding atmosphere and ambiance.
Stevie: i joined this band when i was feeling grungey in the '90s. play "One More Time"!!!
Geoff Tate: yes, "One More Time" is our masterpiece. but i do like to perform "My Global Mind" every once in a while, that's my personal baby.
Garry: do "Promised Land".
Geoff: can't, that song is too long, you're eating a personal pan pizza, you'll be done with it before that song is over...
Garry: why are we ordering two personal pan pizzas when we're on a date?
Stevie: may you always keep this personal pan pizza pewter peel the size of a dime that makes Pizza Hut more like Round Table.
Geoff: keep it ye olde.
Stevie: we'll have the spaghetti pizza with the dry spaghetti in the shape of a horseshoe.
Garry: that's symbolic of our love.
Stevie: an old gypsy trick to bring people together. gotta keep pizza Medieval Romanescu.
the two lovebirds make a beeline to Stevie's bungalow and straight into Stevie's bed. fully-clothed. in pajamas.
Garry: silk pajamas for me. and for dessert, McDonald's apple pie?
Stevie: yeah what the fuck WAS that?!!! it's Genshin Impact but it's just on a couple of McDonald's apple-pie sleeves? THAT'S IT?!!! didn't make much of an impact. we stick with the McDonald's strawberry and creme pie.
Garry: yes, honey apple.
Garry takes one end, Stevie takes the other end of the McDonald's strawberry and creme pie and the two eat in a line until his lips reach her lips and they kiss as they finish. the pie.
Andy Warhol: pastina soup is just Progresso's hack of Campbell's Chicken & Stars...
Saturday Night (2024).
Chevy Chase: i'm the American John Cleese...
Michael Che: so i'm playing Garrett Morris in this, right?...
Stu: every time a Kansas City Royals team wins a playoff game, Cord smiles from Heaven, my REAL angel in the outfield.
Carlos Alcaraz: there's nothing more tragic in life than when you don't convert a set point...
inspirational coach: i want you to imagine waking up tomorrow...
soccer players: that's it?
Will Smith: my favorite food is kugel...
Fairlight de Michele: the secret ingredient was cornflakes.
Will Smith: Shana Tova.
Fairlight de Michele: Christopher Kimball chose me not because i'm a Jewish milf but because my name is Fairlight...
Christopher Kimball: Christy was my mother's favorite soap opera...
Arianna Pasquini: Maiara Walsh in Rome...
Julie Patzwald: our new goth-band name: The Lonely Keyboards.
David Foster Wallace: i'm too old to write...
Simon Foster: David Foster Wallace was my father in the future, 1999, but i forgot...
George Orwell: Nineteen Hundred Ninety Nine...
Prince at a party: just dance like my real father David Bowie. not my "When Doves Cry" father, that was my foster father.
David Bowie: Y2K wasn't scary, the world got scary 20 years later...
Nana Visitor: as actors we must always be rounding.
Super Mario driving his trash truck: let's u-turn into this Safeway freeway, i need to pick up a couple pumpkins for my kid...
Billy Corgan: daddy?
Princess Peach: that's what i USED to call Mario before he went into retail...
Billy Corgan: my dad never wore a mustache.
Three's Company Open: no, not the Three's Company open, with the flamingos and the tram and the San Diego Zoo, the Three's Company Convention!!!
Butterfly Tightrope: the name of a new competing jam band...
Maiara Walsh: the best glaze donuts are the glaze donuts that look like they're jelly donuts but AREN'T. no hole.
Uber Eats: i got T-boned.........juicy delicious T-bone steak available from Uber Eats...
Raf Sanchez: like the puce PRESS flak jacket i'm wearing? i'm in a warzone, we've come a long way. Keith Haring taught me the guerrilla way of life.
Draymond Green: I'm 34 and i have gray hair.........i've had a rough life...
The Twilight Zone "Something in the Walls".
Wilson from House: i have an '80s face, you know?...
Wilson: origami, nice. my cabinets are napkin-holders.
Deborah Raffin: my great ancestor killed the Spartan leader. are you crazy? that's a waste of money, put china in your cabinets, China likes Ronald Reagan. that china with the blue patterns...
Wilson: IKEA isn't a thing yet, that happens later in the '90s. i should exercise more, my stationary bike is a napkin-holder. wait a minute, who's the patient here? i should be telling YOU to exercise more.
Deborah Raffin: sanitariums are known for their gyms. the faces that appear to me in the patterns of clothes and wallpaper are very subtle, a faint set of eyes and thin mouth, no nose, like the faces were drawn with chalk. don't you worry about me, i'll be okay in the long run. do you want to fuck me, doctor? i know i give off an Elyse Keaton vibe but i don't do nudes.
Garry makes a call form Stevie's bed.
Garry: hey is this ma? hello is this the woman i've known my whole life? i know i'm a failure to you, ma, but i'm gonna be a father.
Garry's mom: that's it? anybody can be a father. you gave up your dreams to be another deadbeat dad? i thought i raised a success. a successful son. without showbiz you are a nothing.
Garry: i know it's not much in your eyes, but my dream has changed. i have a dad dream now. i met a girl. she's pretty. she's talented. her imagination blows my mind.
Garry's mom: Stevie Nicks? never heard of her.
Garry: she does those cranberry juice commercials. i have to hang up now, ma, this is long-distance.
Garry: ma's cute.
Stevie: she is adorable. we have to change the world.
Garry: not for us, for our kid.
Stevie: we have to get to a place in the world where a healthline is not a helpline, a crisis phone-number, but rather the fortuneteller's health line, that long line that spans the width of your palm that gypsies read.
Tokyo cathedral: we're using this for climate-change rains, not for '80s anime...
Stephanie Abrams: climate-change training, as in climate-change heavy rains...
Golden Owl: not made of gold, an endangered species...
Humphrey Bogart: ...
Humphrey Bogart: what is all this Harry Potter shit i keep hearing about?...
The Lathe of Heaven: it always starts with a global nuclear explosion...
Wicked City: or a sex scene...
The Record Parlour: we're not the Rasputin Music of Los Angeles.........but we DO have Stevie Nicks...
Ms. Krause: this is perfect, i'll combine my two loves and audition for English Teacher on FX...
Stevie Nicks: are we long-lost sisters?...
Ms. Krause: yes, two brassy blonde bohemian babes doing Broadway.
Michael Jordan wearing NASCAR DJ headphones: you don't want to see me in court, you don't want me near ANY court...
Mordecai from Regular Show: i'm named after Three Finger Brown. i throw a mean curveball using my wing...
it was just a rug: it's mom humor, you know?...
Bjork: fjart is when i fart, yes, but it's a far fart. distant. distant art. you don't understand my fart. there's no cabin pressure in trains.
Stevie Nicks: so we've decided?
Garry Shandling: yes.
Stevie: we're gonna make a baby. let's make our own music.
she holds his hands hard and the two start to cry.
Garry: our child.
Stevie: our LEGACY.
Garry: what will his name be?
Stevie: Sprite.
Garry: magic, not the soft drink. i was thinking Sanford but yours is better.
Stevie: he'll be a kid on Degrassi Street. he'll outlive us.
Garry: who will he be?
Stevie: he'll learn filmmaking in grade school and go to Hollywood NOT as a child actor, that was the '70s dream!!! we'll be a proper family.
Garry: a Kohl's family.
Stevie and Garry are in Stevie's bed in the middle of the soundless night. Stevie cradles Garry's crying face with her crying face, the two face-hug.
Stevie: in my dream it's Wimbledon. the air above is a silent sky. a red balloon comes into view.
Garry: the balloon is a firetruck.
Stevie: the balloon is a red three-pronged waterpipe. and the announcer in his grave British accent tells us what to do.
British announcer: you're on the right court. tennis is the sport most cherished by families. there's a family discount available for those who line up in the queue below. tennis lessons for mom, dad, and sprout.
Stevie: sprite.
British announcer: give your kid the gift that lasts a lifetime, the game that keeps on giving.
John Isner: the game that keeps on going.
British announcer: teach your child the fundamentals, teach them tennis, play tennis with your little one...
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