HOLEY BOOK

notes:

* first pic up there, that's my size...…...of paper i use to cast spells.

* they shoulda made a cartoon on that Wakanda night scene wth the Lone Cypress...wait...

* so this is like if VeggieTales were on HBO. VeggieTales serves a useful purpose in this society: they warn against the dangers of having bacon for every meal...

* Two Kings, not the zany Disney live-action sitcom about a couple of Tarzan Jrs. i watched EVERY episode of that show...for some reason...

* btw the title of this is not a knock at autism or anything, it's just the cool way to say it. not evoking a baby and bib or anything.

* so this is the CGI that makes everyone look like they've been spread with marshmallow-fluff

* this is why Bezos is the way he is today...taking no guff..

* Bezos: shit! i left my British Olympics shepherd cane in my other pants...with my hot telenovela actress...this is my giant candy cane! i don't mean my dick.

* Bible Translation Study Group: in ancient Latin, "bear" meant "gay man"

* Tiger watched this to get his game back...with the ladies, too...

* did you know bears can breathe in space? they have tremendous lungs and can hold it for, like, hibernation. the nuclear holocaust happened cos someone was asleep at the wheel...who happened to be a bear using his coffee mug to shave his beard

* Shepherd Bezos: and now i'm off to a land who will fit me with a tutu bottom. i'm thinking Little Bo Peep's house…

* the ONLY souls who get to enter the Pearly Gates MUST look good in a white wifebeater tanktop, get those guns out, my blaze bros.

* Satan's Hand: so, soul, tell me again how you invented BDSM...

* before we begin this tale, it must be noted that the two daughters never dressed sluttily. they never deserved this, i don't care if it's Biblical Times.

* daughter 1: so we're women at this time, we are fucked. the only thing that seems to matter is we squeeze out children.
daughter 2: let's get some of that street wine and do the deed...it just sucks that the only man in the ENTIRE tri-state desert area is our father, there are literally no other males or cute boys around.
daughter 1: i'd rather get some street tacos...

* daughter 1: don't let my pigtails fool you, i WASN'T reared in a barn.
daughter 2: the joke's on papa. this isn't wine, it's our menstrual blood. this will surely turn us into witches so we can fight the patriarchy with our black magic.
daughter 1: do i have to seduce him tho? do the sexy dance? i was gonna save the dance for when i became independent. i took community-college classes at night at the cave and everything.

* he was not aware of it when she got down...or when she got up...cos he was always up…

* daughter 1: so this is punishable by stone, right? incest?
daughter 2: technically we're preserving the familial lineage. but we are NOT doing a threeway.
Devil: even a Devil's Threeway?

* father: all i saw during the night were legs...

* family: so let's not talk specifically what our Tribe's name is, we don't want to curse a generation of People forever. the British Royal Family is finally right with Meghan and her son so let's just leave it at that.

* not much is known about the only gas station in Biblical Times. other than that gas was expensive. and caused the Dead Sea to go dead.

* oil joke here too easy. but the inflatable car-salesman balloon man in these times was actually the Satan Snake.

* Xavier Renegade Angel: hi, call me Jesus. it's just i have a really good non-tan on right now. the original Jesus wasn't white, he looked more like Xavier Renegade Angel.
demons: why do you taint us so?
Xavier: what do you mean?
demons: why did D&D have to come up during the '70s? why wasn't it popular in the social-media age? also, we are Smurfs, this is what the original Smurfs ACTUALLY looked like.
Xavier: you like red meat? i mean like the pigs are red.

* and the Snake Salesmen as in Car Salesmen followed the pack and the herd thinned till it was explained what happened to the other two Mr. McFeelys...

* Xavier: why do you protesteth the One True Son of God?
mob protesters: where is your red hat?
Xavier: um, i left it at home.
mob: get outta town! we don't want your kind here! for the last time, LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!!!
Xavier cries out of town.

* God: never eat ANY birds, for they are all unclean.
People: see? God wants us to be gay.
God: no, it's just that's disgusting when you eat their heads. and especially don't eat the stork, that's where babies come from, you think I have that power? creating life is impossible.

* Prophet: i was the original Goku, and this is my pink cloud. i am pinkclouding.
Prophet: why is the sky marshallow fluff? i'm Eddie Murphy. please take me back, SNL, this is NOT the type of comedy i want to do. i've got a spice baby to feed. what's the deal with all these bones?
God Flame Elijah: these bones are the result of too many boners.

* Prophet: HOLY FUCK!! YOU LOOK LIKE SATAN! are you sure you're God?
Elijah: yeah, sorry, in Heaven we don't bother with the reanimating of the skeletons, we're just There, you know? but here on Earth we have to find a way to speak to you. let this be a lesson: drink the right kosher milk.
Prophet: bones. so, like jacks? cards? dice? dominos? marbles?
Elijah: let it be known in all the four corners of this barren desert that you have created the first-ever street corner.

* Prophet: black people don't ski. just a heads up. this is all very spooky. maybe it's better if we're all just turned into angels.
God: do they have to be naked, tho?
Prophet: whatever we're going through now, it will be nothing compared to the centuries-long horror which awaits the formation of Israel and Palestine.
God: you are all My People. simple. wait, their heads are empty, whatever you do do not fill them with religion!

* God: do not make different kinds of animals. unless it's a liger. only anal sex is acceptable. and smoke a pack of Camel cigarettes a day for your health, that's why you're in the desert.

* ginger: i've got a hot wife. but that woman has three tits. why are Biblical women so hot?
God: if you even think lustfully after a woman not your wife, you have already committed adultery with her in your heart and your dick is banished to Hell.
ginger: but i'm a ginger, i have no heart. i wear my heart on my head.
God: gouge your eye with a spoon.
ginger: i was gonna use that spoon for my ice cream. but blind women are hot.
God: cut off your masturbating hand.
ginger: oh, okay, i thought you were gonna say cut off my dick. i mean the girl is churning butter, what do you expect from me?
ginger: wait, the girl had goat hind legs the whole time!!? COME ON, THAT'S NOT FAIR!!!

* Moses: LET MY PEOPLE GO!
Exodus God: can't. I'm God.
Moses: part the Red Sea!
Exodus: we're in a desert.
Moses: let me get to know you better.
God: I enjoy mukbang videos.
Moses: SHOW ME YOURSELF! how do i know this ain't a con?
God: I am pleased with you and know you by your name.
Moses: Moses is my slave name. shower me and Your People with Your glory.

* it starts to rain.
Moses: come on, yellow acid rain?
God: sorry. is it still morning? it's hard to tell in the desert. no man may see My face and live.
Moses: so, my wife shall be sacrificed? okay, i can live with that.
God: no, it's just you have to be dead to see Me. and angels have no eyes. slide up Chocolate Mountain to catch a glimpse of Me.
Moses: is that a euphemism for something?
God: you may see My back BUTT you cannot see My Face. get it?
Moses: God has a nice ass.
God: remember the thing I said about anal? this is what the Moon really looks like. ironic, huh?
Moses: so here on Sinai i am to make sinus medicine from these herbs?
God: no, the Ten Commandments. they were meant to be windshield sun shades to put up whenever I shone My ass toward you, the light coming from My butt is too bright.
Moses: heads up, my arms are too skinny wasting away in these desert sands to carry two heavy tablets.
God: newsflash, there are supposed to be THREE tablets! it's supposed to be a triptych! I have a thing for Roman society.
Moses: what's a car?

* narrated by Arya Stark. and sung by NXIVM.

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Happy Mother's Day, my babies. or as my neighbor shouted out to me this morning across the fence, Happy Motherfuckers Day.

tomorrow: Burger King 6-Dollar King Box. hope it's like those 6-dollar burgers from Carl's Jr. which items tho? not the Angry Whopper, why did they bring that back? it just made people angry, we don't need more anger in this Discourse. and two cookies so Burger King can keep track of me...