TMIT: I AM A WANKER

May is Masturbation Month. it's also Margarita Month what with the two Margarita Days, otherwise known as Cinco de Mayo and Mother's Day...

1. can one masturbate too much?

no. never. scientifically impossible. i am living proof. masturbation created the stars. in fact the stars are...well...us...if you're at church and the urge comes on and you can't hold it in any longer do it when everyone else is distracted milling around in line for the wafer. the pew is your friend. do NOT even think about doing it during the Peace Be With You when you're giving everyone around you the handshake, THAT is a sin.

2. do you masturbate daily? yes...…...wait, this whole time i confused the words masturbate with meditate...…...I BECAME A MONK FOR NOTHING!!!...but that's not true, turns out i quite like quiet tomato gardens.

3. do you masturbate significantly more than you have sex with another person? a) yes b) no

can i choose c)? if you replace the word person with the word robot, it's a whole different conversation.

you know i was just ruminating the other day about how much Brent Spiner of Data fame looked like Peter Sellers. and then i read a newspaper clipping online about how Brent emulated his Data performance on the wondrous wide-eyed courtly all-learning all-polite manner of Chauncey from Being There. that is wild! i suppose it's true, people will naturally gravitate toward other people who look like them.

4. could you go one week without masturbating? a) yes b) no c) only if i could have sex at least every other day

there's a specific species of bee out there in nature who only masturbates, never has sex his whole life. makes a very rare sweet salty milky chalky honey...

5. are you comfortable casually admitting to others that you masturbate?
a) yes
b) depends who i'm talking to
c) no

here's the thing: it's tricky when you're a monk. i wouldn't tell my local priest in the confessional box this, cos we still have to live together in the village and village gossip is brutal. however, i would feel comfortable telling the Pope this. especially THIS Pope. cos he seems like a cool modern guy at home in the modern world, he talks about atheism and the Ice Curtain and stuff…...not the Game of Thrones Ice Curtain…

6. would you be comfortable performing a masturbation "show" in front of your lover?
a) yes
b) maybe, depends on the personality of my lover
c) no

not in public, you get arrested for that sort of stuff. especially if your lover has a Type A personality...

7. have you ever masturbated in a public place? where? why?
a) yes b) no

does the bus stop count? it wasn't my fault, the stop was way out in the middle of the country out in the middle of nowhere and that bus took WAY TOO LONG to come

BONUS: would you rather...never masturbate again...OR...have to masturbate five times a day, every day, forever?

i hereby defer my answer to one Graham Norton. whose guests this week include Arya Stark, who will get a bit cheeky explaining that scene she did and what percentage of it was CGI...

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