TMIT: LOU DIAMOND PHILLIPS + HITCHCOCK BLONDE = NAUGHTY NOIR

1. should romantic gifts be memorable or do they have to be useful?

as the taco girl says, why not both? tho i must confess that i want mine memorable cos i'm not a utility man, i don't know how to fix a car, do you use a hammer on a car? will Facebook eventually become a utility like water gas power electric? only THEN will the government get involved.

take a huge diamond. with the caves better not, okay a cubic zirconia. you can cut glass with that cubic, that's how you get Catwoman's phone number. however Catwoman is only into cat calls, calls made on her cute cat cell that's all covered in fluff, fake-fur fluff. and has a mini cat-toy white pom for the keychain.

2. how would you like to spend a special day with your significant other? the AV Club sure doesn't make it easy on us, do they? who has the time to post all those comments? 1800 comments total, 900 for the newbies, 900 for the experts. of course my beloved takes the experts, she knows all the minutiae, like how every Seven Land and river and catapult is spelled, that's how she seduced her last ex, she speaks fluent Dothraki and he was a Klingon…

she says i'm a direwolf in bed...i assume that's good...but then she says the direwolves only come out when the set is snowing and frigid. anyway, i take the newbie comments, my first episode of Game of Thrones was the last episode, what an experience! this is gonna take all day...

and then afterwards we'll go out to eat. by getting on our bikes and heading straight for the other's bike at full speed along an elm-neighborhood sidewalk to create KFC Cinnabon Biscuits. see? Spring came out after all.

3. is celebrating Valentine's Day dated and melodramatic?

yes. but i'm an actor, there's no such thing as melodrama, it's all just life to me. is this holiday dead? yes, that's why the goths love it so. is it dated? yes, but Time doesn't exist.

all i've ever wanted for Valentine's Day was for us to draw some Heathcliff porn and then act it out at the alley out back behind my driveway.

4. what place what you like to visit with
a) your best friend: i don't got a best friend, i got a bes fran. i know it sounds weird, but the two of us visit medical clinics together. i want the best for him, and many times when we go to the doctor he doesn't ask about mental health. my friend was reluctant, but i eased the awkwardness by telling the nurse that a Jonas Brother had sent him.

b) your significant other: Notre Dame. once that glass apiary is placed on there as the new roof. i'll pour some of that honey on my naked lover's body up there and...

c) your parents: i wish i could have bought my mom and dad a house, but i don't play sports or rap or do much of anything cos i'm crazy. so instead i built them a LEGO house from my own two hands. but my cats thought that house was for them and they made themselves comfortable in it if you know what i mean. my mom said she prefers PLAYMOBIL but the Playmobil house medieval cottage playset item thing piece figure is, like, really tiny and hardly noticeable, you can't stack Playmobils…

5. overall would you say your past romantic relationships resemble a
a) horror film
b) mystery thriller
c) romantic comedy
d) porn
e) drama

the only mystery thriller is whether or not Jack Is Back. since Jack Bauer's other show imagining what would have happened if Jack Bauer actually became President was cancelled, that frees up Jack to return to 24. another season, movie, or tv-movie. tho it's unfair to Corey Hawkins, i was in the commentariat minority but i really thoroughly enjoyed Legacy. the fact that you had the Skins cast in there helped me through it. hate to see the black guy get shafted again, pun intended.

BONUS: are you in a rut? how so?

my life is a rut. my entire existence has been one big rut. how did i get out of it? well i went to my priest one day and we had a conversation in a confessional booth, just me, him, and a bag of mini gold pretzels. my priest hates it when i leave crumbs in his confessional box so i hide them under my robe. the talk went exactly like this:

me: how do i get out of my rut?
priest: nut.

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