TMIT: OREL

1. do you go out of your way to be nice? yes. even in these dark times. why just last night i was a bellhop at a, well, well-known hotel. i left my post at the counter when i heard a stray cat mew from ALL THE WAY on the other side of the property. no light nor lights anywhere, it was midnight outside. when i finally get there i take my tall red felt bellhop hat off my head and give it to the cat, saying, "this belongs more to you than me, you look so kawaii in it!" to which the cat replies, "not cute, kid. you didn't bring any milk or anything?" to which i reply "yes, it's in my pockets" to which the cat replies, "i only drink milk in those cute little half-pint vending-machine cartons." the cat tells me, "you aren't ironic enough to work here. you have to be here." later that night, which is the morning, i was seen taking golf lessons in the empty fields from Cat Woods. a tiger in a bellhop hat was tending the check-in counter..

2. some time ago people were buried with items they would need in the afterlife. what would you want buried with you so you could use it in the afterlife? just a regular ol' workable ipad to record stuff. i mean this would be the most valuable and controversial selfie-taken-on-a-cliff of all time. have you noticed that on all the billions of streams out there, not ONE has sent a picture back from the dead? are there not clouds underground? this worries me, it's not looking good, folks. but my ipad did send me the notice that Lenora Crichlow is fucking Poldark which makes perfect sense, they were castmates! you don't go into acting for money or fame, you go to find a mate.

3. what social stigma does society need to get over? mental illness. take a step back and think about this for a minute. more and more studies are showing that EVERY human being who has ever lived on this planet has had SOME form of mental illness, even however slight. do you realize the implications of this!!? that would mean that BEING HUMAN is in fact the mental illness.

4. when was the last time you told someone, "i told you so."? my priest. we were having it out on the street early morning at the McDonald's as we do---fries and fisticuffs---and i finally said to him all his confessional arguments were strawmen and I wasn't drunk, HE was drunk. he excommunicated me for that for being racist. he called me a socialist and said he didn't have time to vote. he did call me up later when we both cooled down after our McFlurries to grant that he was just really messed up lately after i had introduced that first episode of Father Ted into his life...

5. when was the last time you were snooping and found something you wish you hadn't? what did you find? my two best friends scrappin' at the medicine cabinet. i hate seeing that. Snoop Dogg and Snoopy going after it, each claiming bird was the word. Woodstock was nowhere to be found, he decided Green Day just wasn't for him. later the parties cooled down and had a joint burger---as in one burger for the both of them, they each bit into a side. Snoopy requested a turkey burger, to which Snoop lamented, "turkeys are for Thanksgiving, man!!!" they each agreed the pattie was already nice and yellow and didn't need any mustard.

bonus: what small seemingly-insignificant thing did your parents or someone else say when you were a child that has stuck with you all this time?

dad: READ

mom: GO ON JEOPARDY!, DEAR, MAKE US SOME MONEY

love you guys. forever. i tried but Ken Jennings blocked me on email. he didn't block me from his email, he blocked me from getting into MY email...

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