notes:
* i'm doing this instead of experiencing Macy's Black Friday at a Macy's. Black Friday was rained out today...i live in California.
* the Macy's's in the commercials are always nicer than the Macy's's in real life. not to throw shade or nothing but the trees at my Macy's are brown...but they still provide shade just the same so...it's okay.
* woman: i look like Monica Lewinsky. isn't it TIME? i mean, come on, let's all move on, this is the one thing from the '90s we DON'T want back, we all watched the A&E special. let's get this look back to Parisian-chic where it belongs. have you noticed no one ever actually eats breakfast at Tiffany's? and btw, why do i spritz the perfume on my front wrist like this? when did that tradition start?
counter girl: suicide-prevention thing. late '70s, first sighted at a The Good Earth restaurant in Fresno. also where the first furry con happened. yeah, at the old Oakland A's stadium by that dude's farm's green creek, the first furry con wasn't filmed...
* man: my Spidey-sense is working overtime...i have my Spider-Man pajamas when i was a little kid still on under my Tommy John underwear and business sweater.
* woman sneaks in on him with snow in her mittens.
man: see one you like?
woman: what? how?
man: this dog is a Golden retriever.
woman: wait, how? like that's impossible for you to know. why'd you let the dog go?
man: he was telling me he really hated this job and was too young for this and to be tied down like this...to the job and the leash...and just wanted to run on the beach before his puppy days ran out. i took no offense. see one you like?
woman: maybe that one.
man: sorry. this lot is not a lot. it's simply the forest, we're in the middle of a forest clearing and none of these trees are for sale. they're just here for us to see and enjoy. nature: don't mess with it like men do.
woman: this should have been a bigger snowball, like that one that Jets player threw at the fans.
man: why exactly do you still root for the Jets? at least my Giants are sometimes good. why are we together again?
woman: you had a cute butt, you reminded me of the Butt Fumble.
man: cute butt, that is so '90s. hey i'm a cool guy and all but i'm jus' sayin', most guys wouldn't like their ladies walking around and sneaking around and steppin' out with white stuff in the palm of their hands.
* man: you're back.
woman: how do you do that?
man: what's with the red bags?
woman: Macy's.
man: but why are there seven red bags? i was listening to music on my headphones.
woman: exactly. you are impossible!
man: they're Beats by Dre. they're Aaron Rodgers's favorite, so. yeah, they don't work. i didn't get into Cal like Aaron did so that forever makes me hate the two coasts.
woman: brah, how was he supposed to answer such a clown question?
man: folks, look at my pretty woman and not my eyes.
woman: as you can see, we got the tree anyway...illegal lumberjacking...
* woman: honey, what happened to all my perfume?
man: drank it. and melted the diamond glass bottle for spare parts and recycled arcade tokens.
woman: next time ask me. i don't like to be reminded of all the empty vessels in this house.
man: OMG this orange juice tastes like shit!!! it's all vinegary!!!
* counter girl: here, sir, like this?
man: i LOVE this smell, it smells like my wife's cooch. i mean couch. are you Asian?
counter girl: yes. but hot Asian so it's okay. i have green eyes.
man: i just don't want to get ripped off.
counter girl: i'm not the Car Fox. not all Asians are into furry anime tropes.
man: it's just that this smells awfully familiar like Blue-Flavored Otter Pop. do you perchance partake in the writing novelizations of Steve Martin? who's known as a book author?
counter girl: the guy with the arrow stuck through his head?
man: don't tell my wife about this...
* woman: how did you know this was my favorite perfume?
man: a woman's favorite perfume is always the most expensive one on the diamond glass shelf.
woman: that's sweet, a hug...……………..you can let go of me now.
man: just one more sniff of the back of your neck...………..this isn't creepy, i'm blind.
woman: okay but it still is kinda shuddersome and unpleasant.
CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK
happy weekend, my babies. yeah, i'm with the Amazon strikers, imma just walk out on the third-busiest day of the business year. and go to a brick-and-mortar and buy my shit there. Small-Business Saturday, right? cwoissant. does anyone even do that, though? i mean you're either gonna shop at a small business or you're not the rest of your life, right? this entire whole holiday week is nuts. the Amazon workers ain't stupid, they're sophisticated, they watch high-brow sci-fi like the rest of us, they saw that Doctor Who epsidoe "Kerblam!" and want New York City to return to when it was cool in the '70s with the porn theatres and soda stains everywhere. can you believe that was the first Doctor Who episode with an exclamation point? <---question mark to exclaim my point
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