notes:
* this house has people in it
* not the title of a porn (at least not that kind of porn) (unless you mean weird porn)
* Alan Resnick has the coolest last name. and he has that gentleman's beard. he looks like if Trent Reznor were a normal citizen.
* cowboy boots haven't been on the San Francisco street like this since......…
* Alan: that's natural sunlight. this isn't a set, they're real kit houses.
* yellow trash cans always empty but it's not what you think, and city lawns fenced in by warped ranchwood lattices for some reason
* the one on the grassy knoll, the Wright one
* Alan: my kerchief can be red or pink depending on the angle of natural light and the situation. we got this location from google maps but this piece isn't really about the house, this time.
* i knocked like a motherfucking creep and the only door that let me in was the back of the white van with the stickers
* Alan: oh, it's one of those Willy Wonka doorbells. shoots out candy dip that's not the crystals or the powder, it's the liquid variety. problem is, your finger has just been sharpened off like a pencil so i don't have a finger anymore to hook the dip. got any chips?
couple: uh, yeah, the door's not supposed to make that doomy echo sound.
* Tania: that was gonna be my glue rope. for my arts and crafts, i project.
Alan: ...your feelings of insecurity onto my cowboy hat?
Tania: no, i do art projects. as you can see, i'm Tania Gunadi.
Alan: …
Tania: that girl with the weird voice who does all those voiceovers. i'm from Indonesia that's why.
Alan: illegal.
Tania: no. i look different cos i shaved my head and joined a cult. but it's a hippie cult so it's okay. i was on that good Transformers show.
Alan: Cyberverse?
Tania: The Hub, remember that channel?
Alan: why watch tv when i'm in the hub of civilization? civilization is the den of iniquity.
* Gunadi: this is my husband, let's call him Fred. he's not THAT Fred.
Fred: that Fred is gay. and ironically doesn't live here.
Alan: i want to sell you something.
Tania: no thanks.
Alan blocks the door with his boot.
Alan: karate lessons is what i'm selling, legsweep. your house is so beautiful.
Tania: thank you i AM beautiful.
Alan: can i come in?
Fred: not unless it's midnight. you seem all hat no cattle.
Alan: i can assure you i have no cattle. they've all been sucked up into my UFO.
Tania: can we have a sidebar?
Alan: nothing worse than a pair of San Francsico liberal lawyers. can i keep the front door open? it's cold.
* Tania: i'm a free spirit and everything but the whole colonialism thing...
Alan: that wasn't my fault, Christianity took off like a global wildfire and soon we realized it couldn't be contained...
Tania: too soon.
Fred: come in. NOT!
Alan: thank you, that was so '90s of you. or '80s? anyway, you have to say yes.
Fred: what, you tryna Kavanaugh me?
Alan: no, it's just this is an 11-minute special...
Tania: take off your shoes, you animal!
Alan: do i tap my shoetoes like in Japanese anime?
Tania: i'm nondescript Asian, not cool. i'm that Asian comedienne...……….no, the other one...
* Alan: this couple are from that paint commercial. this isn't a house-flipping show, it's more of a brain-flipping show. they are not married. or even dating. they live in sin, openly and egregiously. and they tell me after 10 years they've STILL not tried all the positions.
* Alan: do you live under these stairs?
* Fred: please don't rub my guitar like a vagina, the strings are meant to be strummed.
* Fred: the foyer...
Alan: the Compiegne? the Compiegne Wagon? you French traitor!
Fred: like my small cute silver disc around my neck? i'm in a band and my first record went silver.
Alan: congrats, how many units?
Fred: just this one i'm wearing.
* Tania: hey want to see something?
Alan: oh the horror! what are they? they look like spooked animals.
Tania: they're Sesame Street letters and numbers struggling to grasp their last breath. you never knew those letters and numbers you saw on PBS tv were alive. they're not props. they're the last line of defense against ignorance in this country, we keep them here on life support. health care is free only in this city.
* Alan: do you believe in guns?
Tania: no, we believe in weaponizing love...…………….don't mind my husband, he gets the blues everyday around 4:10 PM. he wanders the halls of our house, looking down over the balcony---for safety there's a glass ceiling right there so he can't jump.
* Alan: how many half-eaten tin bags of Doritos are under this couch to make it so spongy?
couple: we're vegetarians, we don't eat chips. we watch television in the night.
Alan: *peering across* that's not television, that's reality television. Survivor sucks, that dude should have just married his contestant and run away in the ocean.
Fred: no, that's Bigfoot. you know, Lou Ferrigno?
* Alan: oh, i'm the one who's spongy. do you ever go into that patio outside the glass slide doors?
Tania: no.
Alan: no one ever does. it's always just for show.
Tania: slainte. my husband likes to pretend he's at the grocery store when he goes in there.
Alan: how many records do you own?
Tania: never ask a hipster that question.
* Tania: animated, not necessarily anime.
Fred: this one says "imagine you're so wealthy your body stops moving."
Alan: that will NEVER happen to Olivia Newton-John.
Alan: that's why greed is good. the stock market must continue climbing up, it can never stop.
Fred: this one says "boundaries".
Alan: it was upside-down so i didn't read it.
Tania: i'm using smaller white men here to mean racists, not dong size. like my husband.
Alan: where'd you get them?
Tania: a con.
Alan: you were conned.
* Alan: is this a mirror?
Fred: no that's my clone.
Tania: that's my sister.
Alan: you look alike.
Tania: *punching her bald head* oh shit i just realized you're a vampire and we fucking let you in, i hate myself for doing that!
* Alan: chickenbutt.
Tania: what?
Alan: i brought cookies and coffee. you know, like church. gotta let the spirit in here if it's gonna work...………….i've been having trouble sitting back up, i got a bum knee from having to wrestle my horse.
* Alan: hey, these look like those miniature marzipan animals on Adventure Time which came to life and started breathing cos they were possessed by an Existentialist Satan. figurines of fire.
couple: they look delicious! yes i'm sure they were fired in a personal pan pizza oven or something. tuck in!
Alan: language. do they still make kilns in America? what's with the painting of a milk bottle?
Tania: i have issues with my mom.
Alan: you love your mom and dad, Fred?
Fred: they disowned me after i became a youtube star.
Tania: women should own property. take me and my husband…
* Alan: make the sound of a moshing wave at a Smashing Pumpkins concert. hey you ever gone swimming and your shorts come off in the sea and you're left with nothing but a big bubble in your crotch? hasn't tv gotten way too political?
Tania: this is a loaded dangerous question to answer at this time.
Alan: i wouldn't know, i only watch one channel. is this music?
Fred: ANYTHING can be music.
Alan: even the sounds in in my head?
* Alan: do others live here with you?
Tania: of course, art doesn't pay bills!!! well, they're my fellow cult members so they don't really count as real people, they're more like owned bitches. they're sleeping, don't disturb them.
Fred: plus i can't reach the door the doorknob is too high.
Alan: that sucks! i wish i knew how to sleep. i love meeting new people. before you guys, i was considering deleting my myspace account.
Alan: um...…………..they look dead, i didn't disturb them, this was already disturbing.
* Alan: thanks for doing this, guys, it's so fun. i missed Halloween this year cos no one wanted to play with me. let's try to keep this as real as possible, no CGI, the client wants it authentic. this is what bored rich people do inside their mansions all day, right?
Fred: wearing the throwback baseball uniform is not lost on me. the '20s weren't really that great, people ate too much ice cream back then.
Tania: *sigh* this is depressing. this firefighter outfit is not making me look any sexier.
Alan: you're supposed to look heroic, remember? it's supposed to be functional, not formfitting. i was there at the start. of women's lib and the fires.
Tania: what are you supposed to be?
Alan: please, no more existentialism. i'm dressed as an anime Japanese schoolboy who's experimenting with bows.
* Alan: did any of the pictures take?
Tania: nope, no selfie stick.
Fred: hey Alan, that's three strikes, never come back.
Alan: i was obviously homeless this whole time.
Fred: or did you just vote for Proposition J and couldn't be a renter anymore?
Alan: i wonder if my house will look like yours.
Tania: all houses look the same. it doesn't matter what the house looks like, it's the people in it.
Alan: remember the Housing Crash of 2008? that's when i started roaming the streets of America and not thinking about it too much...
couple: where will you go now?
Alan: dunno. those two blinking red streetlights are so ambiguous.
CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK
happy weekend, my babies. i'm trying to broaden my people horizons and go to a Golden Corral but there isn't one in my entire area. what does that say about my area? Golden Corral is where the Angels eat! it's the only place i can see a "chocolate fountain" in public!
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