TMIT: THE MOST CONSEQUENTIAL GOLF EVENT OF OUR TIME

i mean it was the worst of all possible worlds. apologies to all the Candide candy i ate this weekend. i will never like Jordan, his immense talent seems to be in inverse proportion to his electricity. it's like he siphons all his juice for his play and not his look. he's as good as he is boring. BUT that would have been a grandkids story, a comeback for the ages. when that almost happened but didn't, the world groaned, as that guy from Golf Channel so succinctly and eloquently put it. when Rickie Fowler misses again, by one stroke, i mean you feel for the guy. his placid demeanor and cheery sportsmanship hides all that orange from his paining brain that seeps out into his clothes. this was Rory's best chance. i'm not sure he'll have a chance like this again. you assume he will but you never know. just ask Sergio. about those heavy enchiladas he served at the Winner Dinner. i can still taste those enchiladas one week out.

turns out we are granted an outcome where Patrick is more Hydra than Captain America. thank you Trysta Krick from USA TODAY i mean America Today. that hurts me in so many ways you'll never know. i feel for his parents. i would never kick out my parents. even if they were skimming from me and tryna steal my fortune. i mean all my money is really theirs, right? i wouldn't be here if not for them. and i'm sure the golf gene got passed down from them to me too so there's that. unless i'm adopted and they kept that from me in which case...they're still your parents. the only thing that skips a generation is Skippy peanut butter.

is it just me or did that yellow emoji turn orange when i looked at it askance?

watching all Sunday i missed downloading the update. this year's tournament was that special kind of disappointment when you think there's an emoji of a treasure chest but there really isn't. right? like i could have sworn there was a treasure-chest emoji.................but it turns out there actually isn't............

1. to prepare for this week you will...
a) do 100 pushups a day
b) fall asleep to acid house
c) drink gasoline for breakfast
d) play TMI Tuesday

all of the the above, the ACT answer. i do the exact number of pushups a day One-Punch Man does. i fall asleep at my house to gasoline house, which is just a remix that is chopped and screwed, and eat acid for breakfast. citric acid. i pour orange juice on my cereal. ironically, if i couldn't do TMI Tuesday on a Monday, i couldn't do TMI Tuesday. i got a special drawing i do Tuesday mornings on insta.

2. so you entered a cunnilingus contest. what would be your special skill? you know that winning move that would render a woman weak in the knees and make her cum all over your face. cunnilingus contest, that rolls off the tongue, appropriately. i want my girlfriend to cum forever. a magical everlasting waterfall, a giant gusher i could partake from to get that heaviness out of my mouth. it's called the Popeye in the hinterlands. i move my tongue 80 degrees to the right and it expands, filling all into all the left. tuliping the tulip. i like having cum on my face, makes me feel like an equal partner.

3. would you say that any acts of bdsm are cathartic to you? if yes which ones? do you find you need those acts because you know they are cathartic? i don't do bdsm, scared to. or maybe i'm scared to try it cos i know i'll like it and become addicted and then i'll have to go out and get a job cos those plastic rawhide whips are expensive. i guess i'm not much of a goth. i suppose i can say i like trying on those long plexi spiked boots that go up to your armpits. they're supposed to go up to your armpits, right?

4. do you believe in ghosts?
aliens?
climate change?

humanity. we were making progress. we were slowly inching up there. progressing. then the internet came. who knew, right? people actually thought before that the internet would be a good idea. now stuff like the EPA is a nuisance, life is about making money or something? ghosts used to be amusement or friendly. but the ghosts of my past haunt me like orange hazard waste. aliens were fun little being things on The X-Files. even in the non-comedy episodes they were kinda hokey and corny and precious. the scariest villain was always the human CSM. now i can say without reservation and with consequence i stand by my fellow man in caravan.  

5. what is your favorite game to play that a lot of people have never heard of or don't play? there's this game called Monopoly. have you heard of it? you can only play it at McDonald's. thank you i'll be here all week. try the fish. actually don't try the fish. the fish has been polluted swimming in our streams no one cares about anymore...

bonus: what's the most amount of money you'd be willing to spend on:
car?
couch?
shoes?

i didn't used to have money. but then i joined the government. car? i don't like cars. cars are yucky. i like flying cars and starship enterprises. or maybe only if it's like KITT. that's where Alfred the Butler went when he died btw, KITT. i lost my virginity in the back of a bus. a public bus. i got a free ride. to college. the bus driver dropped me off at the nearest local community college on a hill and stranded me there. it was her lunch break.

i only trust one kind of couch. that bought from the Sofa King. or it's Sofa Queen now after the paradigm shift. it has to be purchased in The Valley where Cobra Kai is. or Dr. Drew's couch. that's how Dr. Drew got so buff. he does 100 pushups every morning with his couch on his back. the couch is empty cos all of his clients come in around noon. all of his clients are celebrities.

i'm with my girl Cardi B, bloody shoes. Redbottoms for Halloween. Cardi and i are tight, we go way back, we grew up in the same neighborhood. i consider Earth one big neighborhood. she got a Bronx cheer on SNL. no a real Bronx CHEER, not a jeer, she's a local girl, that's why.

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