SCHOOL

learned:

* my fish dream involves the Gorton's Fisherman in nothing BUT his yellow rain slicker and slick tugboat hat. 87% of women achieve orgasm whilst fantasizing about Gorton. i can totally see this, Gorton-rescuing-the-mermaid roleplay. we need someone after The Most Interesting Man In The World went to Mars for no good reason in the worst advertising blunder of all time. the Gorton graybeard is the only one i trust, i don't trust monks or judges. thinking of sporting one myself. but my beard will turn gray before it ever covers my chin. have you seen Gorton---may i call him Gorton?---recently? instead of a scarf around his neck he has this heavy blue tugging rope. i wonder if that's accidental.

* Finding Nemo as an existential thinkpiece on A&E.............back in the '80s when A&E used to be what IFC is now

* agent: you're cooling off.
Fish Man: not funny.

* agent: Fishfellas, huh?!
Fish Man: Scorsese's still alive? i heard he got gunned down on one of his film sets. i'm not trying to be grim i really actually heard this.

* Fish Man: i want to be an artist..............a real artist.
agent: this is gonna hurt less coming from someone who loves you.........your photography? you forgot to take the lens cap off on ALL of your pictures for ten years.

* Fish Man: just do your job.
agent: fine.....................but can i borrow 5 dollars?

* Fish Man: see i was doing this thing with the thumbs up and thumbs down.............it was more profound before facebook.............hoping now that facebook's over my art can come back.

* SNL rookies: we're just here for the wine...

* Fish Man: Roger!
Roger: your hug was a little clammy. you look like shit. i do love the earring.

* Fish Man: i'm not sure what you look like under the makeup, but you sound like Jerry Seinfeld.
Roger: i get that a lot.

* Roger: i wanted to check in with you first before...
Fish Man: go for it.
Roger: thanks, bud. happy 420. i actually landed the part months ago. before your agent even knew about it. friends gotta be honest, yes?

* Fish Man: yeah these two fingers here........there's a question mark......did God really touch Adam's finger after all.........are we really here?...

* agent: so Fish Man. have you paid my phone bills yet?
Kyle Mooney: Beck Bennett, my lifelong friend and roommate, why do you get more skits than me? and a girlfriend?
Beck Bennett: cos i'm handsomer.

* Fish Man: see this red paint? this is the first ever film fade-to-red.

* Fish Man: this newspaper i hold in my fin............is worth 10 billion dollars........it's the last newspaper ever printed.

* Fish Man: hi. you're an SNL rookie, right?
man: sort of. one of the nondescript castmembers.
Fish Man: i know how that used to feel like. hey can you help me finance the sequel to this indie bear movie i did?
man: Seth MacFarlane?
Fish Man: no, the The Mighty Boosh one.

* Fish Man: who are all these fucktards?
Roger: the friends i bought. hey Adam Driver's having a bender. he's driving us all there. get it?
Fish Man: Adam Driver's hot.
Roger: well he's ugly-hot like me, that's why i'm secretly into him. hey you gotta get out more. live a little. photography is for idiots.
Fish Man: but that's what my art is doing for me: living, stretching out, expressing myself.
Roger: at least when you were a dental assistant the room you were in was more spacious than this gallery, you had room to swim around.

* Fish Man: *after screaming* you're right. the acoustics in here aren't the best. at the dentist's i would scream for ten minutes straight and everyone would run away, even in the middle of root canals.

* Fish Man: i hate you, Roger. it's not fair. i was the one versed in The Force, you still don't know what that is. hey SNL, why the fuck do you keep cutting all my sketches, too original for you!!?
Fish Man: *sniff* excuse me while i inhale this line of my own fish-eggs...

* Fish Man: hey Roger, your joke is wrong. triathlon is swimming, biking, running.

* Fish Man: i'm homeless. but i have my integrity. and i kept my photos.
Roger: you didn't have to keep your photos. i coulda instagrammed them for you.
Adam Driver: this is our son, Crispy.
Fish Man: terrible name for a fish.
Adam Driver: but cool name for a human. it's like a skateboarder's name.

* Roger: is it for sale?
Fish Man: fine. one fuck. be gentle. i won't remember it anyway. fish forget.
Roger: this check probably won't clear. just being honest.

* Robert De Niro: why am i the third man on the billboard after two fish? i know i know, i stopped caring about my career after 2002. Shark Tale was the beginning of the end.

* Roger: is that a real tommy gun?
Fish Man: fade to red.....................

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happy weekend, my babies. do fish dream? of course. a fish is dreaming your entire existence right now. and it's gone, the fish forgot all about you in one second. one word will describe my weekend this weekend: Cholula