TMIT: THOU SHALT NUDE

1. write your 3 sexual commandments and share them here at Tmi Tuesday:

* thou shalt not know a person until thou biblically knows a person
* the Parting of the Red Sea was actually the first documented case of climate change
* i don't know what substance is for the first year, but the perfect wedding gift to give Prince Harry is a chisel...
* bonus 11th Commandment: do not see The Last Temptation of Christ for bingo night at your church picnic

2. tell us your 3 Ds of relationship destruction.

* Special Dark chocolate: this chocolate seems sophisticated. it seems to cater to the coastal elites and media class. the college professors who weren't accused. i tried to get into it....................but i can't it's too sweet. chocolate shouldn't be that strangely sweet. it's like meeting a new person for the first time, it's slightly off. chocolate should have heft and nuts.

* DDs: the only thing which makes me weaker in the knees than DDs are DDDs but those don't rhyme. and only alien girls have three breasts.

* Carson Daly. this man is sexual chocolate. he's no Ryan Seacrest. anyone else find American Idol weird now? i mean it's on Sunday night. nobody wants to watch American Idol the night before the work week begins when you're pacing on your bed, you have enough numbers to call. why did they bring this show back? Seacrest looks uncomfortable. Clay Aiken's work is not done walking the broad way teaching us all how to be human.

3. WikiHow lists several steps to seduce someone. what are your top 3 moves of seduction?

have you seen those WikiHow cartoons? i dunno but that anime needs to be on adult swim. i play hard to get. i tell them i'm a poor writer, my health is failing despite doing yoga every morning, and i need help. the quickest way to stop an instagram DM conversation cold is to tell them you need help.

4. what is your sexual healing? putting a Marvin Gaye record on the phonograph, vaping before i go to my job where i telemarket at that company that's trying to end smoking amongst teens before the next election, 100%, Finish It, know the truth at The Truth Dot Com. tobacco and all that. and audition for Imagine Dragons for the 86th time.

5. would you attend a class that taught you how to have an orgasm? this sounds like my college experience. you start off wanting that liberal-arts degree but you end up a lifelong liberal. i still don't know what Rhetoric is supposed to be. then you start concentrating more on your minor than your major. you attend strip shows for the first time cos it's part of your Porn Class that's like Art History or the History of Literature but very narrowly connected to English. one thing that Porn Class taught me: there are good people in this world. and i was doomed to become a writer. that's two things. see? progress. progressive. i would attend such a class. but i'd be the only one in the room. even the teacher wouldn't be there. i'd have to teach myself how to orgasm. which is what i did in my dorm room for four wasted years when everyone was asleep instead of trying my hand at naughty underground comics for the school paper or something. at least put your frustrations to good art.

bonus: in which areas of your life are you overly confident? overly or overtly? i suppose it's the same thing. i need to get confident. i need sexual confidence. thankfully there's a WikiHow cartoon for that...

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