GRANOLA AIN'T BORING ANY MORE

learned:

* anthem, like the My Chemical Romance thing, not the insurance.

* is My Chemical Romance still a thing?

* as i type this, i wish i could open my bedroom blinds and see that beautiful overcast sky. but alas i need to dance. and i need to dance in private.

* she is the next President of the United States...

* in the wild, you need to feel your oats. when you feel your oats, you sow your oats. all of this is possible only if you eat oats.

* girl: the camera cheated you there. was that the rain or my tears?

* story time: my relationship with granola is complicated. at my first serious UCLA acting camps sometimes the only things you got to eat to stave off the pre-lunch pang was a baggie of trail mix. and fruit punch. there was always gallons and gallons of that damn fruit punch that wasn't quite red and tasted like it was strained in a sock. i ate so much of the stuff i would curl my upper lip inward and pretend to be and talk like a rabbit. a half-man half-rabbit. my fellow students, or classmates, or campers, urged me on, repeating how fun this all was, how exciting cos you never knew if the baggie would have raisins or nuts. they were always out of M&M's. i would have shown them my nuts if i had any. so i would say i grew to disparage trail mix as a daily reminder of my failed acting career. but then i had to study for the PSATs, which are like the SATs but with someone peeing on them. "you have to take these standardized tests if you want to get anywhere in life," my (campers) student/classmates would tell me, "you need to at least get a 1400 if you want to get into a good college and escape the boondocks. or if you want to write for The Boondocks." i always wanted to draw comics. Nature Valley granola bars of oats, in the famous green and gold foil, got me through these stressful times. ironically, i did better on the math side than the English. how embarrassing. i dunno, maybe i had softer gums back then or i didn't notice cos i was always distracted. anyway, i decided to take the first cute girl i came across on her offer to hike the hills of my new college. i took out a Nature Valley from my satchel and bit into it. it was like biting into a 2x4 of wood laced with steel. i lost all of my teeth in one swallow. more on this later.

* girl: my mom wants me to be Wonder Woman but i want to be Storm. everyone's Wonder Woman now. bring back the X-Men!

* The Tree of Life vibes...

* effects done with liquid smoke

* girl: again, it's ambiguous. i'm not running like wild horses, i actually became a horse there.

* girl: that Jacob is so cute.

* girl: drinks, like rainwater, sold separately. and believe me you'll need a drink after getting through both oat bars, your mouth will be stuck shut with paste.

* girl: see?! i'm the mottled horse in the brown and white.

* girl: can i look down now? i got a crimp in my neck.
director: sorry, the drones weren't ready. do the Crimp while you wait.
(i got blackballed so i'm a director)

CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

and so i'm here right now on a Friday night at my perv dentist's office. happy weekend, my babies. my dentist says he got red bubblegum balls in his trail mix. cinnamon-flavored. that sound you hear that sounds like a drill? it ain't a drill...

PRI: WEBELOS

the boy and the man never leave the red cross's side, eating all their meals by the lip of the entrance of the cave. the man continues crying.

man: boy, this symbol is everything. it will guide us to our next step. or perhaps it is the next step.

boy: you are right, man, but i'm afraid i'm all cried out. i feel this means i do not care as much as you.

man: do not sell yourself short, brother. but perhaps this is an indication you need to sleep now.

boy: yes, sleep now...but i'm not tired.

man: we are all tired. sleeping is good for another thing, have you noticed?

boy: i return to the stars. for a brief moment. i see you there. but then i forget.

man: i see you there, too. that smiles my face. will you watch worship while i gather?

boy: i'd like for you to hunt this time. we are both weak.

man: same. we need our protein. but at the same time i'd rather not fashion a weapon. i can't see myself to killing an animal, another breathing living soul of the stars.

boy: me, neither. but this is a moral dilemma that seems unwinnable. we need to eat to live and they need to live to eat.

man: the red cross is our shape, it tells us to protect. i'll have to compromise when the situation arises.

boy: all this eating business is quite the hassle. it pains my neck.

the man jumps down and lands on a soft bush. he circles around to an area he has never explored before. for the first time in ever he notices another rustle in the trees. it has been unusually cold. with no wind. a grey mass stumbles through the branches of the red elm tree, negotiating the pitfalls of being a monkey, then bellyflops on the savannah ferns in a pratfall. it seems to be more scared of that than locking eyes with the man, who is taken aback and takes a step back.

man: living thing i presume?

the grey animal turns its head and sniffs the man. it extends his arms, meaning the man's arms, with its arms. it licks the man's elbows up and down and opens its mouth to utter something, but closes its eyes and shakes its head as if the grey beast realizes the futility of communication.

man: i don't want to hurt you, i want to eat you.

with a battle cry the man suddenly jumps on the animal's skinny back. the animal's shoulders flop in the wind as on instinct it flees with the pace of a bat on fire. the man is able to hang on but just for a short while on this trip into the unknown, at least from the man's perspective. he is kicked in the balls, the leaf covering his balls is not much of a shield. the man dismounts in pain and his head hits the hard dirt, opening his eyes one last time and taking in one last breath of the damp air to see the creature scamper away.

man: ouch. glad i got off that bus. i swear the legs that kicked me weren't the animal's. those 'twere a pair what that belonged to another. like the animal has a twin.

the man sleeps for a while then resumes his duties. he sets foot in an area he has never been and returns home.

the boy, waiting with his hair wet, inhales a large breath of the damp indoor cave air.

the boy: well? i don't see any meat. i am disappoint.

man: there are four legs! anyway, we'll have to settle for some strange new yellow dotted plants i picked from the field i was deposited in.

the two prepare their communal supper of sorghum. the man fashions sorghum syrup in his squeezing fist and feeds the boy.

boy: sweet sorghum. nice. i guess i have the greynimal to thank for this treat. i hate food but i'm okay with dessert.

man: that's a positive way to look at blame. the wind is right one day, left the next. do you like the basket i'm weaving from the used stalks?

___________________________

President Bump is preparing his address to the Boy Scouts. he decides to go ahead and read to them his first draft:

Bump: everyone get one armband that's being passed around in the basket. there you go. wear that armband with pride. you know you don't get a merit badge for being President which i find bigly disappointing. i mean being President is way harder than rubbing two sticks together.

Scaramucci, the new guy, gets up on that cavernous makeshift wooden stage in the middle of the woods with the huge tarp in the back gathering all the wind and covers the mic with his big hand.

Bump: do you like to be called Mooch?

Scaramucci: no, Scara. sir, remember what we talked about. *smiles* excuse us.

Bump: i love your thick black slicked-back hair. that still flows freely in this torrential wind. my hair doesn't move like that.

Scara: the nature's table thing?

Bump: right. set up the meal. step up the meal. use that Collezione Artisinal Collection bucatini. thicker than spaghetti, more to the hollow, like fat cylinders, makes half a pot. which is unfortunate, i'm hungry. and some wine sauce.

Bump: did you guys like Wimbledon this year?

the Boy Scouts: boo! boo! the grass was bad!

Bump: the British Open?

the Boy Scouts: boo! the grass was bad!

Bump: it's Europe. i dunno. soylent green or something. well there's plenty of grass around here. hey what's your salute again? three fingers like this? where i come from that's called the shocker.

Scara picks up the metal golf club behind Bump and whacks Bump's leg with it.

Bump: what the fuck, fam?

Scara: sorry, i thought i was to bump you.

Bump: no that's Jared. same fam, different name.

Scara: it gets confusing. signals get crossed.

Bump: Sleazy Sessions hanging on by the wind.

Rick Perry: here's your Orange Russian, sir. finest vodka in the other land. sir i really need that pig shit we talked about.

Bump: i dunno, Rick.

Rick Perry: I REALLY NEED THE PIG MANURE!!! the Russians are hounding my family.

Bump: i feel ya. the family is all that matters. i dunno, fellow running-mate, we need that shit for us.

Rick Perry: i'll take bacon away from you!

Bump: okay dude, sheesh, no need to get drastic. okay, Boys, what's your loyalty pledge again? put your hand over your heart and, i'm speaking into this microphone so everyone can hear and there's no confusion: pardon me.

Scara: next course, pollo a la brasa.

Bump: did you hear what i said? i pardoned myself. i said i was sorry, that's a big step for me.

Scara: and we conclude with the Gia Russa.

the Gia Russa is brought out.

Bump: i am disappointed. i was hoping for a spicy saucy Russian woman, not spicy sauce.

Michael Phelps and the shark are at a crossroads.

Phelps: i really disappointed everyone. getting a lot of twitter hate.

shark: CGI sucks. nature is where it's at. if it makes you feel any better, i get hounded on twitter, too. i can't respond back cos i have fins, not fingers.

Phelps: what if i eat some shark fin soup?

shark: you'd be banned by every nation save one or two. bad for ratings. what if i swallow you?

Phelps and the shark eventually agree to film a second special where they take in an anniversary showing of Jaws at an empty theatre. it does decently in the ratings.

shark: here's my instant review as i leave the theatre. what was that onscreen? totally unrealistic. bad acting. did they use robots for the humans?

Senator John McCain is at a signing at Border's. he signs all the copies of the new Nine Inch Nails EP before announcing he has a Diamondbacks game to get to. a twinight doubleheader. he puts on his baseball cap so it doesn't cover his eye...

at the Senate hearing Comey swallows the mic as he announces something very urgent.

Comey: everyone here, you all senators, you all know what this is. you all know what's coming. i can't discuss it in open session. but you all know what this is. we've been preparing for this forever.

at the 11th Hour studios, Comey raises his hands behind his head and relaxes his big legs on Brian Williams's desk and leans back on his chair until the chair touches the outside window. the only guest for the hour is Ashley Parker.

Comey: that job was my joy. but now you are my rock, Ashley.

Ashley: what about your wife?

Comey: Bump took her. what's important is that we have no time. we have to go for it. if not now, not ever, for there is no tomorrow.

Ashley: i never thought i'd get so many opportunities so early in my career.

Comey: look on them as offers, Ashley. see i love that just now. when you smile when your name is called but then it disappears into sour reporter mode face after a few seconds. that is so pretty.

at the Vatican, Kirsten Powers catches the Pope unawares.

Kirsten: why you crying? are you making up for shutting off the Vatican fountains?

the Pope: oh, lover, you weren't supposed to see me cry. i hide it from you and pretend everything is okay and the world is fine to protect your feelings. i don't want you worrying about me. i don't have a shower you see, just this huge bath.

Kirsten: s'alright.

Justin Bieber walks across the promenade.

the Pope: why'd you cancel your tour, hippie! i hear you're a big-time guru in the mountains now. the rocks over there rustle and bend to your spiritualist presence. all that New Age stuff is hogwash you know. it's not the correct faith! I Am First!

Justin raises his arms...to block the camera drones.

Justin Bieber: no, just, leave me alone.

Comey and Ashley saunter up to Comey's FBI office.

Ashley: i thought you said there was no time to spare.

Comey: Mulder and Scully are in there finishing up. Mulder has the only key now.

Ashley: what a waste. save it for the movie, not the miniseries.

Bump receives a call on his twitter.

Bump: yes?

Bump Jr: dad i...

Bump: are you sure you're my son? it's just i always pull out...

Bump Jr: dad thank you for getting me this job as a bus driver but i...

Bump: sorry yous, another call. what up, dude?

Caitlyn Jenner: i deployed the troops like you said. but according to my calculations. you said the generals could make their own independent decisions based on how they assessed the battlefield.

Bump: that's right, that's right, General Jenner. whatever you decide. i wash my hands clean.

Caitlyn Jenner: you can't see me so hear me. a brave soldier saved your life today. an infantryman in a wheelchair, active-duty in a live-war theatre battlefield situation. she fell on a grenade meant for you. she will be granted the highest honor for her ultimate sacrifice to this life.

Bump: oh yeah, i remember that from earlier this afternoon. at the lunch table. i thought that was a pineapple.

_________________________

at the monastery, the hooded figure is preparing Justin Bieber's baptism. Justin at first resists but relents after becoming shy around the Men from the East. but he refuses to wear the diaper.

the hooded figure gathers holy water from the same blue flame that lights the staff.

the hooded figure: my fellows, we continue making progress. and we gather here every Wednesday to share in our fellowship and comment on our communal project. we are the last hope in a sea of misery. the news reports say it's folly. but we build and make mistakes and build again and modify until our machine exceeds. we are beyond the news reports. we shall break free from the news. we are up to a racing car. soon we will be at a biplane. and our power source which gasses us is out of this world. one day our fuels will not disappoint us. they build on the land, we build on the future. men and governments finance roads, we travel over unmanned clouds. as long as we dream, we build. as long as we sleep, we dream. as long as we sleep, we are hungry again the next day. o the joy of eating and sleeping on a cot!

the mass proceeds and with Justin's help every congregant joins in the meditation, which is the singing, and the collective

CHOIR FOR THIS PARTICULAR CEREMONY BELTS OUT QUITE THE HARMONY, CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

at the entrance of the rock church a horse sprouts wings. but not a cylindrical conical horn in its forehead.

TMIT: HIITMAN

1. pilates or HIIT? why? pilates sounds weird to me, it always has. when i sound out this word i see in my head images of pirates, pirates using their cutlass swords as piledrivers to hew the rocky coast. i see their parrots scowling in disgust as the pirates proceed to place the pieces of rock which could not be chopped into their mouths and mashed with their gold teeth into smooth shaped stone. classic gentlemen rockeaters. oh, no hitmen for me, i detest violence of any sort.

2. spouse or significant other-lover? they're the same thing. we have an active role-play life.

3. go clubbing or entertain friends at home? they say the oldest age you can go clubbing is 37...

4. Maybach sedan or Mercedes G-class SUV? bus

5. soccer or golf? soccer. golf is boring. soccer has biting. golf has Jordan. not Michael. Jordan should have gotten up in front of those bank of mics yesterday and said, "hell yeah i took 20 minutes to hit that shot, i'm Jordan Motherfucking Spieth!"

6. basketball or baseball? regular-season baseball is in a word, Hell. i'll only watch basketball if LeBron joins the Warriors...

7. Monster or Red Bull? why? COS OF THIS CONTROVERSIAL COMMERCIAL, CLICK HERE

8. office with a view or work at home? office. the only view i have at home is of my perv next-door neighbor who is also my dentist.

9. early bird or night owl? one word: Denny's.

10. boyfriend or girlfriend? i wish i were one of those oily gladiators from Ancient Rome who took female and male lovers without batting an eyelash, where it was actually considered strange for an emperor to ONLY have female consorts. but alas i am no soldier, i am but boring and hetero.

11. ice cream or gelato? gelato. i'm in the throes of the brilliant Blue Jacket Lupin series set in Italy on Toonami that no one watches but everyone agrees is critically acclaimed.

12. silver or gold? drinking silver cures depression or something, right?

bonus: money or fame? why? mo' money, mo' problems. at least you can use your fame for good. if i touch one person, ONE person through this blog, all the decades of endlessly typing on this board were worth it. the skipping meals, the lonely Friday nights, the getting called into my dentist's office at midnight cos it's the only time he has free till he goes on vacation. at least his office has a view of the moon...

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY

GEORGE RR MARTIN INVENTED ED SHEERAN

learned:

* nothing to do with Charlie Sheen. or Charles Schwab. or those annoying pizza commercials with the mouse. Pasqually should be doing those commercials. i want a Pasqually plush.

* don't stare at me, stare at the burning palm tree.

* Snoop wants his Emmy.

* this commercial feels uncomfortable.

* young Ace Ventura contemplating an Olympic diving career. to which he gives his gold medal to Dan Marino. Dan deserves something. Miami Dolphins fan army forever!

* basketball player: i want to try to make it here.
me: City of Industry isn't a real city. it's a series of white mall parking lots on top of each other.

* i want to be rich...for more eye tats. don't worry, no tears.

* the new 911 song

* okay, it's still City of Industry, but the mall parking lots house the Hanging Gardens of Babylon! i'd live there. i love plants. i love the smell of nature and the verdant vines choking your every move. and Poison Ivy is your girlfriend.

* Babylon tour guide: want the answers?
me: yes. finally.
Babylon tour guide: the answers only lead to more questions.
me: but why can you smoke in here?

* should be the other way around, the Converse canvas shoes should be made of that psychedelic carpet and the carpet should be white to absorb all the makeout cum.

* freckles are beautiful. flowers, not so much.

* driver: what's the point? robots, you know? it's all robots from now on.
me: like drones?
driver: no, like that Sphero Spider-Man robot. i talk to that thing for hours.

* modern rap. or a seizure.

* i'm gonna eat that banana later. it's on top of my head to remind myself.

* i want to change the world. but first, tea.

* i hold the world in my hands. it's a hologram but still.

* i got generalized anxiety disorder. but i got my Chucks.

* chips or fries? crisps or chips? Alvin and the Chipmunks or Chippendale's?

* i'm yellow. but i ain't afraid.

* Arya Stark: there's a role for everyone. everyone wears masks.

* okay my eyes are turning yellow. i think that's enough plants.

* parrot: this is just the beginning. of your drug trip. i'm not a parrot. this is the pile of cocaine on your desk talking to you.

CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

happy weekend, my babies. R.I.P. Chester. and your voice. that voice of yours of gorgeous shrieking pain. that voice which never went hoarse when all of ours trying to copy it did.

ANYONE ELSE FEELING LIKE A DEATH BY A THOUSAND PAPERCUTS?, CLICK HERE

OR UNCOMFORTABLY NUMB? CLICK HERE

PRI: MORTUI VIVOS DOCENT

these days the boy is taking the lead, as youth often does over experience. the two huddle most of the time together tightly under the stone awning of the cave, rarely going out for fear of the sun, whom even in their early stages of development realize is unusually grand and terrifying.

boy: hug me.

man: we do this for warmth?

boy: no, because we are one. is Yellow Monster gone?

man: almost. the sky is injured from its wrath. pink skin with red splotches. then royal purple as befits a maniacal ruler.

boy: any help from the wind?

man: for days now the wind has been angry with us. nowhere to be seen. or rather felt. we have dishonored it by our cowardice.

boy: we'll just have to change into stars ourselves. i fear our god is fickle and shows when he wants.

man: there's no pleasing the wind. it just blows.

boy: perhaps we can do something to get in its good graces. it will come for us in our time of succor.

the boy begins to cry.

man: what is the water eyes?

boy: crying. i am happy. my middle is not crying out.

man: ah yes, food, just recently learned that word. we have sampled all the plants in the area.

boy: even the poisonous ones. but we are still not stars.

man: by the grace of the wind. we still have much to learn.

boy: there is nothing more to eat. food is boring.

man: unless we venture further than our immediate circle. legend speaks of other beings like ourselves, lesser yet greater. we will have to battle them. winner makes a meal out of the other.

boy: how disgusting and powerful. i choose to be...vegan.

man: but i am so weak. we are surely Yellow Food soon.

boy: where did you hear of such a legend?

man: in the wind.

boy: when you are there, in that space, can you explain to me what you meant by barren wasteland?

man: it's actually quite the opposite. the land is filled with wastes and shiny objects and trinkets. all of which have more weight than the wind. but it's a trick. these things are tied to the rock, not the rock music. they are weighed down by gravity. it's not the wind.

boy: ah, i see. gravity is the anti-wind. good lookin' out.

man: everything is in opposites. the duality of not being a star. while we are one.

boy: yes, i am beginning to see this. i tire quite easily of this body. there's nothing left to do in this body. it's excruciatingly limiting. i want out.

man: more to go. and more to come. always.

boy: i cry because of the duality. i can summon the water if i think about it enough, which is belief. remember, our inside is our outside. soon the water will fall here on the outside. sleep now.

man: sleep now.

the prehistoric pair are awakened by the sound of droplets on their protruding foreheads. a rainstorm rages in front of their little tidy home of stone, whipping around the surrounding palm trees.

boy: our prayers have been answered!

man: yes, i feel it, too!

boy: o glory! i actually HEAR the wind! rustling through the icicles at the top of our cave.

man: the water level is rising. what happens when this place floods?

boy: do you know how to swim?

man: swim?

man: go out there and fix it. you have the young legs. you'll always have the small young legs.

boy: but you have the heavier mind. okay, fine.

boy: i don't get it. the wind is guiding the water to our plants. the plants get thirsty like we do. it's easier to eat them cos they don't have eyes which can water.

man: the plants are drowning. it's too much water. the wind stayed away too long and is making up for lost time.

boy: do we pray for it to stop?

man: no, we remove the plants and keep them safe with us inside. and block our front door with a boulder or something.

boy: uprooting them will kill them, i have a feeling. it would to us.

man: then i suppose we pray.

boy: yes. pray. always pray. the wind won't give us anything in a day we can't handle. it knows when to stop. the wind knows what it's doing.

the man starts to cry.

boy: what is it? maybe i shouldn't ask it seems commonplace?

the man notices for the first time a painting on the interior wall next to the entrance. it is of a straight vertical line in red paint, elongated, crossed by another line in red paint, this line horizontal and shorter than the vertical line.

man: *still crying* the water didn't reach the level of this symbol and erase it before our eyes could see it! it didn't wash away in the storm like our crops! alleluia!

boy: *crying* yes, alleluia.

the man and the boy hug and cry with each other.

___________________________

President Bump is giving an interview with the New York Times.

Bump: so you'll fire Sessions for me?

New York Times: what?

Bump: yeah just call him up and do it for me, wouldja? you have his number, right? you have all the numbers. i'm late for my son's wrestling thing.

Bump races to the amphitheatre and ducks behind a bank of metal fold-in chairs used as economy seating.

Bump: it's all economy seating.

as some women in skimpy outfits touch each other, one whose name is Jail Bait, Bump turns his massive head into that of Mueller. their heads touch and it hurts.

Bump: damn you.

Bump picks up Mueller and carries him to the arena stage and body-slams him on the spongey mat of the squared circle.

Mueller: you can't fire me! not without a messy Constitutional crisis!

Tiffany Bump in a suit has replaced Bump Jr. as ring announcer.

Tiffany: in this corner, Truth. in the opposite corner, Threat. but who is who?

Bump: i don't want you off the case, Bob, that would be unfair to the president. i want the best minds to look into the financial dealings of all my ex-wives. that's where my money is! i had to pin you down here cos you're never around.

Mueller: the truth is awesome. i love the truth. the truth is like a winding path up a mountain covered in mist. it stays there in all its glory waiting for a spelunker to uncover its secrets. the spelunker merely uses his two hands to climb each step of the mountain until what is hidden is cleared of all fog. the flashlight he carries with him is more important than his boots. no mater how S-shaped and convoluted the various turns, all roads lead to the top, the one point that is undeniable.

Bump: uh, okay Jake the Snake, shred the receipts when you get them, wouldja? got a dinner thing.

Bump sits alone at the Cream House long table all set for a state dinner. no one is there. not even the waiters. not even Melania. Bump claps a long, loud Citizen Kane clap.

Bump: the invitations went out, right? hello?

echo: hello? *clap*

at the convention, all the bigwigs from computer and entertainment are hobnobbing with Jared and Ivanka at the garden terrace in full view of drone cameras.

Bump races his way to the G20 dinner just in time for the dessert rolls.

Bump: where's my placemat? where's my card? i see i'm in between two beautiful women.

the two lovely First Ladies smile.

Bump: just like before. nothing's changed. excuse me, ladies, business, you know.

Bump: hello?

Jared: i did it, pop.

the hologram of Steve Jobs: ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Jared Son-In-Law!

*claps*

Jared gets up on the dais and huge overhead-projector screen in the back, stretches the spongey foldable steel S-shaped microphone to his lips, and lets out a humongous BLACK BOLT which reverberates all throughout the amphitheatre and destroys all of Silicon Valley.

Bump: boy what'd you do that for?

Jared: you always say to destroy your enemies whenever you get the chance, pop. all of Hollywood was there.

Bump: do you know how to hack computers?

Jared: no.

Bump: me, neither. i'll ask Vlad.

Bump gets up and sits next to Putin on the other side of the long table. he stares at Putin's eyes and touches his balls.

Putin touches his own balls and nods in agreement.

Bump rejoins the Japanese Leader and his wife.

Japanese Leader: senbei?

Bump: no thanks, gives me gas.

wife: sake? rice wine?

Bump: no thanks, hun hun, rice makes me think of my weddings.

wife: is made with your wedding rice...

there is a strange hustle and bustle in a room at the tippy-top of Bump Tower. the Secret Service didn't get an invite.

Bump Jr: is everyone here?

Jared: my wife doesn't know i'm here!

Manafort: oh hey Rob. lose some weight?

Rob: no.

Black Widow: i can't wait for this! there are no ice-cream socials in Mother Russia! let me ask my interpreter did you bring the scoop?

interpreter: *turning on tape*

Black Widow: when you're done give it to me. i work at the New York Times. got a lush office with an overlooking window to Stark Tower.

Bump: oh hey Scarlett.

Black Widow: hi, boss. you were terrible last night.

Bump: that's unfair to the president. hey guys, change of plans. i know everyone was excited for the ice-cream social but that's so Americana. there's a new hipster joint on the East Side, or West Side, called Ice & Vice. strange flavors and even stranger denizens. i'm president to these Bernieheads, too.

Vlad Putin: i brought the nuts!

Bump: thanks, buddy. and i brought the cherries! yeah they got lemon-charcoal cones and a Three Little Pigs flavor, bacon ice cream! it's all very cool. you can see the cold emanate from their ovens.

Vlad: happy way for our two nation-states to get acquainted with each other again.

Bump: i think so. it's all one big Roman Empire anyway.

Vlad: before we go venture, let us all take a moment in prayer for our befallen hero, John McCain.

Bump: yes. speedy recovery. just goes to show, you make fun of a man one day and it all comes back to haunt you later when you find out how much of a jackass you are. i pledge, i promise from this day forward, scout's honor, i will never use an internet meme again.

Brian Williams: The 11th Hour starts now on a Wednesday night. Day 2921 of this still-young Bump Administration...

Ashley Parker: as i was saying...

Brian: i love your smile. it comes out the way Kirsten's does, it's all sour when you're reporting fatuous facts and serious stories but then you stop to smile and by golly that smile could melt Mars! i love it when you gals do that!................i'm sorry, but all of this reporting is quite useless. we might as well go for it while we still can...

Kirsten Powers turns her head to witness the Pope rise from her bathwaters in all her dripping, wet-haired glory.

the Pope: care for a drink?

Kirsten: uh..........

the Pope: no, i meant wine. join me in my private boudoir. tell me all about your conversion to the Faith.

Kirsten: *following* i was a hardcore atheist before...

the Pope: that's hot.

Kirsten: then i met Jesus...

the Pope: never meet your heroes.

Johanna Konta tosses and turns in her apartment she leased for the Championships. her bedsheets are dripping with sweat and worry.

a vision appears before her.

Konta: Jesus?

vision: no, it's me, your coach.

Konta: why'd you do it? you gave me so much confidence.

coach: didn't save enough for me.

Konta: i wanted to win Wimbledon for you so badly. for the country second.

coach: always do it for you, my beautiful pupil. and you are beautiful. on the inside, not just hot.

Konta: you are the wind beneath my wings.

coach: always. please don't sing that song. that's a version of Hell in some circles. i love Bette but Codrus doesn't. which country is it again? UK? Hungary?

Konta: Australia i guess.

_________________________

at the spirit cave, the hooded figure holds up a poster of an Oldsmobile sedan driving on the surface of one of the moons of Saturn. the Men from the East, who have all removed their hoods, ooh and aah.

hooded figure: gentlemen, this is what we're after. this is goals. this is what we want to do with the wheel. this is evolution. we want to set our sights high. we want to set our sites to the furthest star. we want to fly. not just cars, flying cars. may nothing block us from our imaginations.

one of the Men from the East gets there late atop a new horse for him. the horse bucks him off and his saddle comes off. the Man crawls his way inside and is not scolded by the hooded figure.

Man from the East: this is why i like this church. it's not stuffy like the others.

hooded figure: i will always welcome any who come. may this flame that burns eternally in our circle guide our centers into one body. the one body which lights us on fire forever.

the hooded figure picks up a staff, which is a patriarchal cross, and lights the top of it on the campfire in the middle of the cave. the blue flame turns red. the hooded figure goes around the room offering each Man from the East to hold out his hand and let it get burned, but each politely refuses.

instead

THEY ALL CHANT THEIR EVENING PRAYERS, CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

TMIT: I'VE SEEN THE DOCTOR NAKED!!!

really excited for this. bombshell! i thought this was a moot point, with that dude who looks like a grown-up Ed Sheeran with scruffy beard and Ron Weasley devil-may-care attitude cast. well that would have been boring. when they say new and never-before-seen adventures, they mean it this time! there are changes, there are elections, but then there are paradigm shifts. that Christmas special is gonna have twice the drunk viewers. there are Regenerations and then there are generational Regenerations. wondering who the Companion is gonna be. talk about a flip of the sexual dynamics in that relationship! powerful women get me hot. it's a mommy thing. i don't have to do any of the work, i just follow orders. i'm lazy, i don't like working.

1. for you what is sexy time? CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

2. if your best friend asked, "do you think i'm sexy?", what would you say? not as sexy as my shirt

3. if your mom or dad asked, "how's your love life?", would you answer? what would you tell them? i'd asked them how their love life was. to which my mom would say she has had sex in her life exactly once, when she had me. i still remember that joke from the Married... with Children spoof in MAD magazine all those years ago when i was a child of the '80s hiding contraband under my bed. Married... with Children was such a dangerous show back then that i was scared of it, scared my little baby eyes would be exposed to those controversial adult jokes.

4. a young 8-year-old neighbor asks you, "what is the birds and the bees?". how do you reply? ask Santa

5. what would you do if your lover's turn on is your turn off? but the fact that it's your turn on would get me hot regardless. it's the whole my-dream-is-to-ruin-your-dream thing. power dynamics.

bonus: what does it mean to be a man? i wrote a story about this............a couple of years ago..............check this blog's archives...

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I LOVE IT WHEN THE SERIOUS MUSIC COMES ON

learned:

* * night sky with stars emoji* emojis have ruined art. quick, get me to that Van Gogh of the Joker before it's too late for me.

* two giant tits underwater, man and boy emerge. dripping with symbolism.

* we come into this world needing others. except Johnny Cash. Johnny Cash didn't need a damn body.

* it's not braver to go it alone, it's easier.

* still waiting for Star Trek to be real...............i'll even take Star Wars at this point...

* that's either a droplet or a nutsac

* how many tries does it take to screw in a lightbulb? seriously i'd like to know. i've never done it. too complicated. that damn bulb breaks and bleeds into the cotton and you're left with exposed glass shards and wires that just hang there, mocking you. if i turn on the switch i'd get electrocuted so i conduct my business in darkness. not to mention i'm always deathly afraid of falling off that wobbly stepladder highchair.

* your independence wasn't free. so feel free to reject it.

* hide-and-go-seek. just don't hide in that giant nest.

* sister: i cut myself in the woods.
brother: i think it's time for the talk.

* dad: son, this is a chain-link. for a bike. never EVER answer an email chain-link.

* me: wow, look at the Aurora Borealis!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: no, that's a ring of green pollution around the Earth.

* our time here can be deep beyond measure, as long as you have kids.

* granddaughter: okay, Grandpa, so that's how you screw on a lightbulb.
Grandpa: what's light? i'm really old.

* me: i choose interdependence.
internet: filthy UN globalist. so you're saying you like paying more for gas?
me: but i'm an anarchist.
internet: name one punk band.
me: Green Day?

* Neil deGrasse Tyson: look at our beautiful sun!.............one day the sun will explode.

* backpacking girl: MOMMA! I'M HOME! i'm back from my European hostel. it was terrible, they forced me to join their G20 cult.
mother: who are you? we have no kids.

CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

happy weekend, my babies! go Roger Fed! i've always liked the cut of that man's meat.

PRI: FLAT

he refreshes my soul. he guides me along the right paths for his name's sake

boy: for whose sake?

man: i don't know what wind is. but i feel it. it blows across my face and i feel we should honor that.
it's trying to get noticed. it's trying to tell us something.

boy: what's a face? what's an arm and a leg? how are we talking? how did you understand? is communication so ancient?

man: it's too much to take in all at once. we are alive.

boy: what is life?

man: i don't know. we are here. instead of not here. we can hold onto that. it is tangible, unlike the wind.

boy: i feel great anguish in my middle.

man: we are to go to the top. never the bottom. your later appendages hurt, too, no?

boy: feet?

man: sure. mine, too. i felt the pang earlier when the Yellow Monster tried to cook us to death. we all have the pain. good thing i hid you in the cave.

boy: i remember now though i know not what memory is. you put two white monsters into my mouth and it calmed it. you still feel the uncomfortableness?

man: always.

boy: put something in your mouth.

man: how would i talk?

boy: it seems everything here is in need of sustenance. we were not put in the Yellow Monster's mouth.

man: not yet. i have a feeling he'll be back. it is either scary beyond words or sacred beyond words.

boy: ah, the sacrament, the elevation, we must strive for more than our current position.

man: i believe so. o belief. circumstance is fickle. situation is the title. but the story is slippery. and i feel we have the rocks to write it.

boy: feeling, so much warmer than thinking. one the cave, one the monster in the cave.

man: i cannot understand the rock until i understand music. and understanding. i feel my body shaking from the wind. the up is changing.

boy: color is everything. blessed orbs. blessing, that is the more. let us follow the wind, it won't lead us astray.

man: agreed. the wind is lowering us, a chill in our bodies.

boy: what are these bodies? these vessels squishy and new? i want the old, when we were up.

man: i remember those times. vaguely. but not anymore. we didn't need to question. question. we were the answer.

the man takes his first step into a damp mound of dirt. he looks up to find the boy already at the mouth of the cave. it's a nice night so the two don't huddle together inside the crevasse like before. instead they stay up all night. the man follows the boy's lead. the boy has been looking straight up into the night sky bathed in stars. the boy points up and the man sucks the boy's thumb.

man: we need that light. we were that light. we must get back there. somehow we fell off the up. we were on a cliff, a ledge of forbidden knowledge, and the wind blew us off. the wind is testing us. our resolve to get back.

boy: what is light? and how are we to know it?

man: what is knowledge? and how are we to see it? i feel we are missing a piece, an aspect of our aspect, something we desperately crave. without it we are like the wind, powerful but lonely. find it and we shall be free. we search for our soul.

boy: power?

man: i fear it.

boy: freedom?

man: i fear it more.

boy: fear?

man: when the wind doesn't blow.

boy: soul?

man: our guide. without it it's just an empty wasteland.

boy: barren wasteland? you should be a poet.

man: look i don't know, okay? i don't know what's out there. all i know is we are sheltered in this cave. and we are blessed with the gift of the word.

the boy lowers his head to meet the white circles of the man.

boy: why do we have to do this? why do we have to do this at all?

man: it's either a cruel game. or the most beautiful thing in the universe.

-----------------------------------

at the Vatican, Shia LaBeouf crashes down the private drawing-room door. The Pope is in her element, naked as a jaybird in her massive tub, with President Mickey Bump looking on. Shia stubs his toe on the paw feet of the bathtub.

Shia: OW! i hate my life!

The Pope: boy what you on about? you're too talented of an actor to go the tortured artist route.

Bump: really like that performance art you did on me, kid. this one in the water here is getting me into art more, says i'll be the better presider for it.

Shia: thank you, Mr. President. i am here to serve the people. if i have to make myself the jackass i'll gladly do it.

The Pope: where's the wife? that hot little number.

Shia: got too goth for me. which is why i'm here. besides hiding from the cops. i need you to teach me how to be Christian. i'm new at all this.

The Pope: so you want sanctuary?

Shia: basically.

Bump: i fucked Sia. it was that blonde wig. i just can't help myself around blondes.

The Pope: why did you pull out of the Paris Accords? especially after our extensive bath talks?

Bump: always pull out, my father taught me that old chestnut. really removes a lot of problems from your docket. though i appreciate the liquid diplomacy.

Jared: sir the burgers you ordered have arrived.

Bump: don't talk anymore, kid. or you'll end up like your father. like don't talk on camera or anywhere else in any other meeting room.

__________________________

at the Bucolic Burger, the wide screens are tuned to the only game in town.

after an emotional fifth set, Venus Williams wins Wimbledon and dedicates all of her prize money to the victim's family. no dancing.

after an emotional fifth set, Sam Querrey wins Wimbledon and reporters are rushing to find out about that awkward smile of his.

Sam: i don't know, i have teeth i guess.

Wolf: have you talked to Andy?

Sam: who's Andy?

Bump: i did Andy's wife. and Sam's. love and love.

a week later the NBA Finals conclude. and it's not what LeBron wanted. Kevin Durant wins the deciding set of who's better and the hearts of all Americans when he Crip Walks LeBron to the basket for the slam-dunk at the buzzer. the Warriors win, get revenge for what should have been theirs last year, MJ smiles, and LeBron has to be escorted off the court by Ivanka.

at the press conference:

LeBron: i'm not mad about the affiliation of the dance. the Crips are a powerful political force in this country. whom a man chooses to vote for in the Election is everybody's business. what i am mad at is that dancing itself is allowed. this isn't the NFL, that should be an automatic foul.

a week later, the main event, the championships of the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling tournament. the round robin was brutal and hot, just as the fans wanted. now we come to the final round, with Mickey Bump Jr, wrestling name Junior Jollies, the creator, CEO, and referee.

Bump Jr: gentlemen, the GLOW ladies are about to come! let's everyone in the stands stand and recognize how great this country is. dance awkwardly everybody!

but before the lights go up, Bump Jr. is handed the telephone in the middle of the ring.

Bump Jr: hello?

voice: the President wants to see you.

______________________

in a hot North Korean bunker, the Leader is chafing under all the makeup he has to wear when he's on camera.

Leader: can you shut the cameras off? i can't take it anymore. what did people do before lifecasting?

army generals: we lost these pages of the script, sorry.

Leader: i always wanted to be an actor. that's why i got into politics. don't worry, i'm not as brutal as my father. i'm brutaler. when they don't see you on camera anymore, that's when they'll forget you. there is nothing worse for an actor than to be forgotten. it's like you're dead.

army generals: we don't want to be forgotten. heehee, we want to be on camera all the time! we want to participate in this play!

Leader: that's good. there are a few lines left for you. and for me to take.

army generals: but you're already famous, Almighty Leader! you were in that Seth Rogen movie!

Leader: maybe i'm famous enough to finally muster up the courage to call my crush?

Leader: *calling* hello? Sarah? Sarah Palin?

Sarah: what do you want, Kim?

Leader: *blushes* oh sorry, it's just...i think you're cute! that's why i pointed my missiles at Alaska. so you'd notice me.

Sarah: how'd you get this number? this is a new phone.

__________________________

at the NBC Studios:

Brian Williams: The 11th Hour starts now.

Brian Williams storms off the set in a huff.

Brian Williams: WHAT THE FUCK. NO SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING IN THE WORLD. i can't do this anymore. my talent for the turn of phrase and wonderful whimsical wordplay is lost on this drivel. i didn't go to school for this! i'm off to complete my novel. i'm not joking. i know i did Late Night but i'm not joking.

Eric Bump: okay, next man up. Rucker.

Brian: can't be Rucker. he has a lisp.

Rucker: what are you implying?

Brian: not THAT. it's just America wants a dashing man.

Rucker: you already dashed out of here.

Eric: get it done. win. next man up. Nicolle Wallace...

Brian: no, she's mine.

President Bump: Kirsten Powers. get Kirsten Powers. believe me, once you see her...

Brian, both Bumps, and Rucker all wag their tongues in approval when Kirsten walks into the studio.

President Bump: right? right? got that Mrs. Robinson thing goin' on. she has that sour face but when she smiles she lights up the universe believe me.

Brian: fine, hand me the copy, we'll do it taped. audio only. today, thanks to our glorious leader President Bump, all of the roads and bridges in this country have been paved with gold. infrastructure done. checkmark. gold star. happy? but we still don't have as yet the unlimited power source necessary to make use of these grand glittering throughways...

Kirsten mock-smiles in disbelief.

_____________________

Bump: where's the clown? did he go to you?

Jared: he had to take a last-minute detour to the MSNBC studios to film a McDonald's commercial to fund his little rinky-dink soft-core porn operation afloat. you know sponsors, never patient.

Bump: ah yes, that ring ring. i tivo it all the time.

Jared: people still tivo?

Bump: i thought i told you to shut your trap. go control the newspapers. yous can do that in a dimly-lit room in the back, right?

Bump Jr: *holding a hamburger* i'm loving it.

Bump Jr. is escorted, well dragged, from the studio by the yellow-and-black guards and is crashed into the one private Vatican door.

The Pope: does my door have a lock?

Bump: where's the food? take him away. you are to be the fall guy, okay? the rest of us wash our hands clean. America elected me cos they wanted a slippery man who could get out of the tightest jams. that weird-looking wife of yours is interesting though.

Bump Jr: but dad, i'm your son!

Bump: i have a son? sorry, kid, just business.

Shia: the Earth is flat.

The Pope: the Earth isn't flat, you dolt, you're just mad you're having woman problems so you blame the world instead of taking personal responsibility.

Shia: you're right, you're right.

The Pope: let me put you in touch with a like mind. uh, do you have the North Korean Leader's number?

Bump: Leader the Lizard, that wild and crazy guy! no i don't.

___________________

in a dimly-lit section of the sunroof opening of a monastery main praying hall made of stone, a hooded figure processions into the center of the ring of fire. two orderly lines of men from the East follow behind, sashaying into the formation of the outer circle.

the fire is blue and shoots up a

PROJECTION OF THIS SONG ONTO THE HIGH CAVE WALLS OF THE CHURCH, CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

the men all undulate at the strange warbly intonations of this choice of concert chant. the confused incantation swells to a hush as the figure holds up a wheel made of stone into the light.

the figure: it's a start.

TMIT: TIME IS SIMPLY HOW YOU LIVE YOUR LIFE

adjusting...

1. you have 3 days to live:
a) what will you stop doing? stop complaining. and join the ATP Tour.
b) what will you do before your time runs out? get a new computer...

2. "true wealth is the ability to truly experience life"---Henry David Thoreau
a) are you truly experiencing life? does cyber count?
b) are you truly experiencing a full sex life? does porn count?
btw Thoreau was jealous of Nietzsche his whole life. and Nietzsche wanted to go to Walden Pond but his visa expired. i read that on the internet.

3. during sex, what is something that usually distracts you? huge eyes

4. because you are busy busy busy you have now been ordered to have a scheduled down time of two hours.
a) what time of day do you take your down time? whenever my body collapses face-down into a ditch
b) what do you do in your down time? drink. you have to stay hydrated. drink doesn't necessarily mean alcohol. then again hydrated doesn't necessarily mean water.

5. thinking about your sex life,
a) what are the positives? i'm alive. but is one truly alive without love?
b) negatives? i'm alone. but isn't it true you can't really know yourself unless you're alone? i swung by Walden Pond this morning for my meditations. it's a muni pool now. concrete and a chain-link fence. it's all green. and not from leaves.

bonus: in question 5, how can you change the negatives to positives, or even eliminate them altogether? you need both positive and negative. you can't see the positive unless it's against the backdrop of the negative. your batteries won't work without both. and that means the vibrator i just got in the mail won't work. i'm so excited, i'm gonna do my first unboxing video................................................update: it was just a flashlight.

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