GRANOLA AIN'T BORING ANY MORE

learned:

* anthem, like the My Chemical Romance thing, not the insurance.

* is My Chemical Romance still a thing?

* as i type this, i wish i could open my bedroom blinds and see that beautiful overcast sky. but alas i need to dance. and i need to dance in private.

* she is the next President of the United States...

* in the wild, you need to feel your oats. when you feel your oats, you sow your oats. all of this is possible only if you eat oats.

* girl: the camera cheated you there. was that the rain or my tears?

* story time: my relationship with granola is complicated. at my first serious UCLA acting camps sometimes the only things you got to eat to stave off the pre-lunch pang was a baggie of trail mix. and fruit punch. there was always gallons and gallons of that damn fruit punch that wasn't quite red and tasted like it was strained in a sock. i ate so much of the stuff i would curl my upper lip inward and pretend to be and talk like a rabbit. a half-man half-rabbit. my fellow students, or classmates, or campers, urged me on, repeating how fun this all was, how exciting cos you never knew if the baggie would have raisins or nuts. they were always out of M&M's. i would have shown them my nuts if i had any. so i would say i grew to disparage trail mix as a daily reminder of my failed acting career. but then i had to study for the PSATs, which are like the SATs but with someone peeing on them. "you have to take these standardized tests if you want to get anywhere in life," my (campers) student/classmates would tell me, "you need to at least get a 1400 if you want to get into a good college and escape the boondocks. or if you want to write for The Boondocks." i always wanted to draw comics. Nature Valley granola bars of oats, in the famous green and gold foil, got me through these stressful times. ironically, i did better on the math side than the English. how embarrassing. i dunno, maybe i had softer gums back then or i didn't notice cos i was always distracted. anyway, i decided to take the first cute girl i came across on her offer to hike the hills of my new college. i took out a Nature Valley from my satchel and bit into it. it was like biting into a 2x4 of wood laced with steel. i lost all of my teeth in one swallow. more on this later.

* girl: my mom wants me to be Wonder Woman but i want to be Storm. everyone's Wonder Woman now. bring back the X-Men!

* The Tree of Life vibes...

* effects done with liquid smoke

* girl: again, it's ambiguous. i'm not running like wild horses, i actually became a horse there.

* girl: that Jacob is so cute.

* girl: drinks, like rainwater, sold separately. and believe me you'll need a drink after getting through both oat bars, your mouth will be stuck shut with paste.

* girl: see?! i'm the mottled horse in the brown and white.

* girl: can i look down now? i got a crimp in my neck.
director: sorry, the drones weren't ready. do the Crimp while you wait.
(i got blackballed so i'm a director)

CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

and so i'm here right now on a Friday night at my perv dentist's office. happy weekend, my babies. my dentist says he got red bubblegum balls in his trail mix. cinnamon-flavored. that sound you hear that sounds like a drill? it ain't a drill...