TMIT: I KISSED YOUR MOM LAST NIGHT

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1. if you and your significant other played Sexual Truth or Dare with other couples, would you rather watch your SO have sex with someone or would you prefer having sex with someone in front of your SO? whatever makes my lover happy, that's the point of love, right?

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if a grand poombaess Diane Keaton with hair of old SAG-AFTRA sage and wrinkles of hard-won wisdom on that talented face of hers brilliantly asks for a kiss, you kiss Diane Keaton. even if it means the dissolution of your marriage. this is Diane Keaton. some things transcend love. Kevin Bacon understands this and has given up bacon. bucket lists have no sexual orientation. Diane has earned her freedom, she is skinny and can do anything she wants. she can fuck the audience, not even Meryl can do that. Diane is right about film love, it's so much sweeter cos it's fantasy. and love is a fantasy after all having to do with emotion, not a mortgage. Diane knows secrets about Woody not even Woody knows about himself...

2. would you rather watch your favorite porn with your sibling or read your favorite sexy erotica out loud to your parents? it's only fair to read to the people who taught me to read. read back to them to show them my appreciation.

3. to get sexually-aroused, would you rather watch girl-on-girl porn or guy-on-guy porn? i can't. i can't do girl-on-girl, i feel it's cheating. there is only one girl for me: Sasha Grey. but i can't watch Sasha Grey porn anymore after i saw her in The Girlfriend Experience. every time i see her now i just think of her performing that beautifully-crafted mysterious role in that great indie film...

4. would you rather have sex with your boss in an office conference room or masturbate at home knowing that your neighbor is watching? i'm my own boss.....................so i do both at the same time...

5. based on your current mood, would you rather try out new and kinky sex ideas or have romantic sex? that's the thing with mood, it's always current, it's never permanent. that's what instagram fails to understand. when you put MOOD over a picture of a cow grazing, that's how you feel AT THE MOMENT. the next moment you could be asking that brown cow how now? don't do anything crazy before you have a chance to switch moods. if the cow answers you back, it's time to switch milks.

bonus: would you rather have three kids and no money or no kids with three million dollars? life is about love, not money. what's the point of being rich if you're all alone? wealth is meant to be shared, that's not a political position. the only thing i want out of life is to be able to eat well. like one fast-food cheat day a week. if i eat well i'll sleep well. i want to have enough money to tell the cook i want the steak well-done. i don't want worms in my system. that goes for my computer, too. now your kids will resent you and hate you forever that they were always poor under you, but at least you had a family.

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