VAQUITA

the news hits hard.

Quinny: i know dear, cry on my shoulder, we will miss that little whippersnapper forever.

Binny: that's just it, he grew up too late, he had to catch up too speedily, he was hopped up on his first beer, he made friends with the first person who smiled at him.

Quinny: Codrus will get his.

Binny: speaking of, i'm working on a problem, i'm having a problem with it, it's the last thing to do with each word we learn, each sentence, bit of information, when you misspell a word, it's the ultimate worst, you have to look up this new mutant word, could it be foreign?, sure it's all foreign in the end, you wouldn't have known this specific amalgamation of letters if not for your tiny keyboard's mistake, and then i ask myself if i should do pictures.

Quinny: no, man, not the picture! you can't do this to yourself! what are you hoping to find? our Yayray is dead. Ye is dead. we hardly knew him. he didn't have a chance to shine. he did the best he could but we didn't. we were too busy making fun of him. there comes that day when they really grow up and it's terrifying. our family is dwindling, we have to stick together, we must exhibit the strength we couldn't show him, our mother used up all the family courage. we must go out in a blaze of glory. humans are never proactive, we only know how to avenge. we will defeat the one who defeated our son, we will put our souls into this final effort, and when we lose this hopeless battle, our honor will carry us to the great big reunion bbq in the sky.

Binny: honor is good but not as good as fresh sweet bbq. speaking of Codrus, not to take my work home with me, but there's so much, it never ends, it means more, it always means more. i have to see the image of each strange word just in case i recognize something. it all connects up in the end, right? it has to, it can't just be separate flotsam jettying in space forever in opposite parallel directions, i have to click IMAGE on each misspelling. there are some tips i've cultivated myself: i lost my regular pen and i was mad as hell for days but i found a retractable pen and it's better, i quickly push the button on the table, that saves one second from having to remove the cap, plus when you're researching you always worry the open pen will dry up, not with the push-point, it closes fast. i wrote something with the pen last night and i couldn't read my own writing: tacp? is that a word? am i allowed in? i didn't get any sleep obsessing what this word could be, all the permutations, never could consensus. i'm learning to let words go but it's hard to break patterns. and don't get me started on SUPER. i have to start all over with every single word! you can add super- to each word, have to look it up, it could be there, if it's not, you may have to add it to the lexicon. and of course look at the picture of it. super-tacp? i hate Superman now.

Quinny: meh, me, too, he was always the cocky asshole. or was Batman the ass for believing he could superhero with just a gimp suit and cape? speaking of cosplay, i'm the only one in this family with the hips to pull off Harley. sorry, we're doing it again...

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Forage: thank you being my son's tutela.

Uvula; no probs, Mrs. Favor, i'd put that raccoon whippersnapper under my wing if i had some. but we got the eagles for that.

Forage: it's so cold here,

UNUSUALLY SO, IT'S AN INDIAN WINTER, CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK.

Uvula: i take umbrage at that. i'm offended by that. i'm Indian.

Forage: i'm sorry, but what did i say?

Uvula: yeah, i know, that phrase doesn't really mean anything, does it? feels are swirling me.

Uvula races past the ranch to the edge of the earth where it hits the water. though right by an ocean, it's unseasonably warm.

Uvula: hate this heat, this continued celsius. when the war is over i'm gonna summer in a casa de rancho that juts right up against a Seattle lake to make sure. i want to make it rain.

Uvula puts her hand into the water and it gets the surprise of a nose brushing up against her.

Uvula: oh, how novel! you're a cute little dolphin, aren't you?

vaquita: vaquita. rare breed.

Uvula: your nose is so wet and rough.

vaquita: actually it's smooth and dry, i'm splashing and you weren't expecting me, it's altering your senses.

Uvula: what's your name, my pet?

Atalan: it's me, Atalan.

Cotard chokes on his chicken-of-the-sea.

Cotard: Atalan! we thought you were not a dolphin!

Atalan: vaquita.

Cotard: is this your new porpoise?

Atalan: apparently. i feel so free now though i wish i had listened to my mom more and tried harder in those swimming lessons she worked two jobs for me to afford. must have been all that money at the ATM. i stood there in a coma not knowing how to spend it cos i had no purpose. i let the money overtake me, literally, and it must have been laced with something Stonesy cos when i came to, i had shed my previous skin and fallen down a drain pipe like a snake into the sewers. no turtles down there, just a pizza rat. i was a mammal letting the tide take me to a new life. i got to the open ocean and clicked with delight for the first time in my life. i wasn't hesitant anymore, bogged down with expectations, alternating between wandering and wondering. i was living the dream: i was free. by the way, our oceans are fucking filthy.

Cotard: that's everyone's dream: freedom. so where to, Flipper?

Atalan: please, i'm still Atalan. ready to protect my other mother, this planet has given me so much.

Uvula: great, i'll summon the rest of your clan with my powers.

Atalan: yeah about that. they don't like it when you force them. lead, don't force.

Uvula: gotcha *summoning* there doesn't seem to be one of your kind in this entire area.

Atalan: not surprising, i noticed how different i was as i swam around, it was high school all over again.

Uvula: just wait...

the rest of the vaquitas in the entire world join Atalan in a circle. Atalan smiles big showing all his teeth.

Cotard: hey buddy great to have you back. mind giving me and the missus and the rest of our friends a ride to the war?

the Brazil group dolphin-back to a spot in the middle of the ocean where the Minority Report screen said Codrus might be with his hurricane bombs.

Codrus arrives on his hoverboard and Marty McFly jacket with the kids and Imzhan in tow towing behind. a large storm is gathering above with a string attached.

Codrus: i love the smell of atomic energy in the morning. oh great! you guys? i wasn't expecting this. i can plan for something expected but when you suddenly are forced to do something unexpected, that really sucks. to what do i owe this surprise?

Cotard: to you being mad. are you ready for our surprise attack? i feel ya, this morning i wasn't planning on emptying my kitty cats' litterbox but it was just too grimey, so much weight to those chunks of poo it was tearing the bag. i had to scrape off all that caked-on grime on the scoop, i hate that fucking scoop, it got all in my fingernails, ate breakfast afterwards. i dunno, two cats, one box, every night, it adds up before you know it and hits you when you least expect it.

Codrus: Cotard in the flesh, but i hear you're of the spirit. we'll be talking tons soon, i'll get to you later. who are all these colorful minions? i see we have a cute little girl...

Uvula: i'm a fully-grown woman who just looks young. god i get no respect from circles.

Codrus: alas, lass, it's hard being a woman in this raging realm.

Uvula: you said it, buster. and we'll destroy you. i can control all the animals on earth, they do my bidding, i'll let them eat your children.

Codrus: my my, you've been infected, too. violence is so icky. i wish i could push a button and it would all be over mess-free. and who do we have here, a talking dolphin?

Atalan: i feel kinda like a human trapped in a vaquita's body, or vice-versa, a Two Spirit.

Codrus: i don't discriminate. in fact Native American Studies was conveniently my minor in college before i got kicked out for cheating on a test, i see the spirits all around me. interesting but isn't it sad how we define ourselves first by our sexuality? is that all that humans are good for, fucking? don't we read books, too?

Uvula: way of the world. when you look up a female celebrity, what do you look up first? nude and then who her husband is.

Codrus: well i for the only one try to be more cultured. i use the internet for research. one must be civilized if one is to build civilization. i mean i'm asexual, it's more of a chore for me. i can count on my palm the number of sex partners i've had, i'm not your typical virgin villain taking out my sexual frustrations on the world. you?

Uvula: straight.

Atalan: third gender.

Cotard: confused. i think if i wasn't a monk i'd be a porn star.

Kenyatta: true non-nullified bisexual.

Bridge: really? who may i ask?

Kenyatta: Cotard and i dabbled when we were young and dumb. remember, Big Cross?

Cotard: i really don't, i'm sorry. did we meet on a porn set? i'm sorry, my mind has always been so frazzled and full of soft sponge and cheesy haze.

Codrus: partaking of the hippie salad in our salad days?

Cotard: no, my mind has always been muttery, buttery, brine, shifting into far-in places, searching for an edge, flying without wings, no drugs, just is. when i feel trapped in it, i close my eyes and imagine i'm something else.

Codrus: you can't win! i have eyes and ears all over the place. i know all, feel all, taste all, am all, wash all. i felt you were Native American before you knew.

Uvula: how?

Codrus: the Stones, baby, the universe's cheat sheet.

Uvula: i'm not your baby! attack!

Atalan: okay but only cos i want to.

Atalan's whistling dolphin mouth swoops out of the water and knocks Codrus off his board, splashing him in the drink and chomping on his face. one underwater struggle later, Codrus is riddled with pimples but manages to break free from Atalan's iron grip. though they are underwater the two hear each other perfectly.

Codrus: it's high school all over again! mangy mutt! i'm gonna forward a copy of my favorite childhood book You Are a Shark by Edward Packard to you in Hell. i'd say see you there but i'm working on changing the general direction of my life.

Codrus elicits a huge yellow and white energy wave from his palm that turns into rather ineffective sonic circles which miss Atalan's general direction. Atalan stands his watery ground.

Codrus: shit, i'm frickin' Aquaman under here.

Imzhan: Codrus, before we get started, there's an elephant in the room.

Codrus (coming up for air): the donkey in the room has decided not to run. right, right, okay, go ahead.

Imzhan: well..........................Codrus, Cotard? pretty similar. but you guys are NOT long-lost brothers. Cotard, I am your brother.

Cotard: NOOOOOOOO, THAT'S NOT TRUE! .....THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!!!!!! so how do you know?

Imzhan: research. and i took a hit on the side from time to time. it's all you can really do working for the man. anyway, i remember that painful day mama let me go to raise you, not enough money for both, i was too young to remember, that's when i got off the drugs, oh how they make those images crystal.

Fuerza (a spirit flying soundly in the sky): sorry, mijo, but i'm an old woman, i've lived a lot.

Imzhan: i don't blame you, mama, i couldn't imagine. i know you did your best. i'm trying my best with my own family back home.

Fuerza: i hope to meet them after we defeat your boss. one connection the three of us will always share is our love of bacon, right? mmmmmm, bacon. yeah, i know men.

Cotard (nodding): yeah i love bacon.

Imzhan (nodding): yeah i love bacon.

Codrus tries to lift himself out of the water and fly into space. he gets halfway there but droops back down and crashes and burns.

Codrus (thinking to himself while up there): well this is embarrassing. i bet i look like a real jackass to everyone below. i shouldn't have skipped that lesson the Stones were projecting on a stone to show me. it was on the gracefulness of birds. i just saw "birds" and thought it was gonna be a sex thing and got embarrassed.

Uvula fishes the despot out of the water and hooks him by his gold jaw. Codrus tries to parry it by slapping her but it connects.

Uvula: don't come any closer to the people i like, don't scan for more agents, that was just a prelude, my friend, there are plenty other fish in the sea and other animals, too. quit while you still have a head.

Codrus (bloody mouth speaking his words): you're an animal! i wish i had been a nerd as well as a geek. whatever, this is easily remedied. correct the turnover, win the game. you won this game but it's still preseason. retreat!

the kids, after having pleasantly waved goodbye to and hugged everyone on the good-guy side, steer the hoverboard with Codrus in tow back to New York. they forget to take Imzhan. Imzhan don't mind.

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back at evil headquarters:

Codrus brusquely slams open the door to his study. a big pumpkin is jamming the jamb. Mickey Bump is there redfaced with his feet up crossed on Codrus's desk seated using Codrus's long-coiled black phone.

Codrus: move, pumpkinhead! move it! my chair! my desk! off! drinking?

Bump: i could drink. that's not nice, boss, i can't help the shape of my head. um, Anderson, yeah, gotta go, you can stop writing my tweets, i'll be there soon. phew! that was close. what a day, had an interview with Fox here at the phone and an hour in i realize i'm talking with the Maddow chick from MSNBC. everyone's voice sounds the same. whatever, it's all the same drone. boss i just came up with a nice opening line when we go to Seattle, i'll say i'm gonna, cos you know i hate the heat, i'm gonna say i found out that it's not the ocean that causes a lot of rain, if you live near a lake you get a lot of rain cos of all the special effect, so to make perfectly sure, when i win the presidency i'm gonna summer at a ranchhouse in Seattle near a lake!