Monday, October 12, 2015


it was my first big performance in a while. you can't hide out there, in order to master the monologue, you must connect with your audience, whatever goes goes, if you fart you fart. my costars were worried about me, i was slumped over on top of the curtains. they chalked it up to butterflies. how could i tell them the truth? i'd lose all credibility if i admitted i got sick off the Goth Whopper at Burger King. (sidenote: they should make the cheese dark orange.) my stomach was in knots, i tried to hold it together, i got through it and then i threw up all over the stage. i went to the the bathroom. i didn't poo green, instead my butt just shone rays of bright white light for fifteen minutes. feeling better, i approached my costars for some jokes. instead they informed me that that was just the dress rehearsal. i did notice no one was in the audience. darnit, not out of the woods yet. i started getting sick to my stomach again. when i went up on stage for the real show, i noticed there was no one in the audience...

1. he turned me over and _______. held my hair as i threw up. he gives understudies a good name.

2. he grabs ____ and i ______. the popcorn and i get the popcorn ready.

3. she _______ cautiously. has children

4. now i am going to ______ the ______ you. like as a friend the fuck outta you

5. i will take you by your _____ ________. red America cap that i see everyone wearing now.

6. i slipped my hand under _____ and his/her ___ spasms. her butt to get the Parayste DVD out of the couch so we could watch it together. Shinichi spasms when Migi talks about mating and jock itch in that bathroom scene.

7. in the shower she let me _____ her ______. clog her drain (both meanings)

8. she grabbed his ______ and yanked and pulled until he _______. ponytail until it became a mohawk. he went from professor to punk.

bonus: is pornography like any other job, like acting is a job? acting is not a job, acting is a calling, lifeblood, sacrifice, you die on stage every night and you die on stage for real if it makes the scene more realistic. pornography requires exquisite breath control, flexibility, the ability to be insecure in your line delivery when you're ordering the pizza when you don't really want the pizza, and the utmost creativity when coming.........and also when coming up with different, never-before-heard-of nicknames for the penis and vagina. did you see that porn teacher skit on SNL this weekend? Weeknd?



Jules said...

It’s just a constant dress rehearsal with burgers on the side..

3: Hilarious.

8: New hair salon technique.

Pizza and pornography are always united.


the late phoenix said...

juli: i love that "I Forgot To Have Children" shirt *)