TMIT: THE AFTERLIFE

don't get down, Heaven exists, a perfect society is possible, the afterlife is real, just ask Missy from Doctor Who. she is the Master sure, but she is not a villain, she can be taken at her word. okay, she is the villain but it doesn't count cos she's hot. she's what you wanted Mary Poppins to be, Missy's a naughty missy who uses her umbrella for more than just flying. Missy generates the fanfiction and gets us ready for the first Female Doctor. dystopias are more interesting to write about and film, but a utopia can be constructed...as long as it's not on FOX. if the show's on FOX it's doomed from the start. sorry, Mulaney. i mean FOX even canceled Family Guy, which was a dumb business decision. when they canceled the most intelligent cartoon of all time, Futurama, i wept openly. and don't get me started on how shabbily they treated Enterprise. we're all still waiting for that next Star Trek tv series...

you are creating a brand new society. describe it, name it, talk about its leadership and governmental apparatus (if any at all), objective, and mission statement.

what are the people of this society called?

i've thought about this long and hard. it's impossible. society inevitably corrupts everything, but without society there is chaos, and chaos is...chaos. is chaos the only way, the only free way? the only freeway? freedom is awesome, but is there such a thing as too much freedom? i watch Korra and The Last Airbender for these answers. cartoons are cool.

this society of mine is called Keaton. the people are called Keaton. population: 7 billion. every single person---male, female, bae, and other---all look like Michael Keaton. it's a utopia, there is no religion (or one unifying religion), no wars, plentiful resources, and foursomes in between lunch and dinner. the trees can finally breathe in that fresh, refreshing carbon dioxide cos we don't need cars and highways, we can fly. we don't need computers or mail or email cos we can read each others' minds. thus, lies don't exist, there is only truth between us, it is impossible to deceive and cheat cos we literally (and figuratively) are in each others' minds and imaginations. the only lie that occurred was this one time in band camp when that dude claimed he had invented the mind-reading shareware system we all use now. yeah, he wanted to make a shitload of money for himself and his lawyer but it turned out the whole thing was a scam. at first mind-sharing seemed intrusive and an invasion of privacy. the ACLU quickly buckled, though, and realized that resistance is futile to the Hive Mind. there is no need for corrupt governments, everyone willingly gives their share of food and drink so everyone can have something. everyone is malnourished but happy cos the collective is happy. we barely have enough to eat cos it's all spread out amongst us perfectly and socialism-y, but all that matters is the greater good, the individual doesn't exist, we are all One, One Heart, One Mind, One Love, One Time, One Thought, One God. there is only one individual left: Michael Keaton, the Birdman.

i lied, there are government positions. well more like tribal leaders. each mini-society within the society elects its own tribal chief. it takes a village, as our first female President taught us. this tribal leader must be free of personal ambition and have only the ambition to continue the utopia. the same way we can read minds is the way the potential leader's mind erases all of his or her ambitions along with all of his or her memories. there is now no more thirst for power in him or her, only thirst for water. these leaders HAVE to be fans of sci-fi---Star Trek, Star Wars---and not just cos T'Pol is a hot Vulcan, they have to be progressive in their thinking in wanting to shape the (kind-of) utopias Star Trek presents. you don't read history to avoid making the same mistakes of the past, you read good sci-fi to learn how to build the best future...and you read Philip K. Dick to get an orgasm.

MISSION STATEMENT: POINT TO YOUR WATCH, NOT YOUR CROTCH.

objective: the point of Keaton is to wait for the afterlife, for only the afterlife matters, right? this life is temporary, the life that really counts is the next eternal one. sex is a fun way to kill time, but what counts is the place where time can never be killed again. we do it in a way that doesn't harm others. never harm other beings. if a fucking bee stings your face, let it. we sit around on yoga mats all day and do nothing...well, we meditate, which is the same as doing nothing. we all wait for the afterlife. yes our favorite drink is Kool-Aid but it's only because it reminds us of our childhoods. we avoid saying Beetlejuice 3 times, we dare not give it a second (collective) THOUGHT, definitely not a third thought, and we constantly look up to the sky, waiting for our blue spaceship to come and take us away to the next life. shhhh, i hear the magically-appearing phone box now...

...*WHEEZING, WHEEZING, WHEEZING*...

...oh wait, sorry, that's just me coughing up blood, i haven't eaten well in years.

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