TMIT: I AM FUCKING BATMAN

1. when you were a child/teenager, who was your favorite superhero and why?: i will always be a child at heart. then, now, and forever, the answer is PAC-MAN!!! i mean BATMAN!!! sure, i got my first taste with the corny Adam West version, i didn't know any better, but that was an important cultural touchstone for me, it was much better than people give it credit for, it introduced all the players and all the colorful villains pretty accurately and well, gave me my first Catwoman crush, and all those comic-book fights were very realistic to me, i practiced them alone in my room, that was my first real taste of being an only child and the realization that i would not live well unless i donned a cowl. i watched that show religiously with my sour-cream-and-onion chips until i was introduced to the brilliant, heart-stopping, breathtaking black-paper animation world of Bruce Timm and Batman: The Animated Series. folks, do yourselves a favor, i'm telling you, even if you aren't a Batman fan, a superhero comic fan, an animation fan, or a cartoon fan, WATCH this dark show, this entire series from the first episode to the last, it is simply one of the finest displays of mood-setting storytelling that exists in humankind. so after that, i was hooked on The Bat, i wanted to be an animator when i grew up. i have so many stories to tell, but what medium should i use? animation, film, youtube home-movies? let me know in the comments, and also tell me if you're more a sour or a cream.

2. which super villain is most like you and why?: i forgot his name, but do you remember in the show 24, near the end of the series, like the second- or third-to-last season, they finally had a character that was as badass as Jack but on the evil side, he could kick and punch on Jack's level and was just as ruthless? i was like, well fuck, finally a real equal for Jack, who hadn't really had someone like that in his life. then of course the writers ruined it early on when the two had their fated encounter and although dude got some licks in, Jack pretty much took care of him like he was another fodder ninja. i mean, come on! if they had combined this dude's fighting spy-operative with the supreme smarts of a terrorist mastermind, you really would have had an unstoppable 24 super villain...but you know, there's only so far the writers can go, right?...i mean, in the end, Good always must defeat Evil, Evil can never win. Jack's back, folks, are you excited for new 24? my blind prediction for the new season: Jack becomes a terrorist, a real one, not an undercover one, has to, it's the only thing they haven't done yet. and Chloe becomes Hit Woman.

3. if you had a superpower what would it be and would you use it for good or evil?: i'd take over all the computers in the world, turn into a giant robot, and get rid of all the spam in the universe. but, like any good story, my power and fame come at a price. all the humans love me for what i did, but i'm now made of metal, not flesh, so i cannot love anymore, i can't love a woman, well no sex anyway...turns out i can now only mate with spambots...but i got rid of them all, so...

4. do you own a superhero costume? when and where was the last time and place you wore it?: yep, Batman pajamas, i mean, i have a Batman costume complete with the George Clooney nipples. i'm just waiting for my Catwoman to come along and purr. or a Harley? Poison Ivy? okay, okay, i hear you, no more costumes, just please, i really need this, don't take me off Christian Mingle...

5. have you ever had a sexual fantasy about a superhero/villain? do tell: it starts in the rain. dark alleyway, lots of trash cans. my nipples are showing, poking out through my blouse from all the wetness. then it happens: upside-down Spiderman kiss...

6. who do you think is the coolest superhero and why?: Iceman. get it? when i was a kid, i pretended so hard to be like Iceman when he used his ice to form slippery pathways for himself to get around in, to travel, that was so fucking cool. i would go, like, whoosh, whoosh, ice path, traveling on it like an escalator, it was only the one small room so i banged my head against the four walls a lot...

bonus: you've been granted the wish of having a threesome with one superhero and one supervillain. whom do you choose and why?: why think small? why just a threesome? why not an orgy with all of them, good and bad, let's stop all the intergalactic wars once and for all, let's overcome our differences with the power of friendship. sure, comic-book sales would plummet, evil scientists' labs would be torn down for more Walmarts, no more skin-tight suits and spandex...Catwoman's now a cat-lady?...oh no no no no, wait, can i have my wish back?

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