TMIT: 'STOP "LIKING" EVERYTHING,' SAYS THE DAD

HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR_____________?




1. eggs cooked?: the same every morning, oil in the old, crusty little pan, swirl that around like i swirl my penis in the morning, one egg cracked into the center there, no more swirling, and you have one fried egg. sometimes i treat myself and buy at The Store a bag of already-cooked-but-cold hard-boiled eggs, i steam up an oversize pot of water, let the hot steam hit my face, it's better than an orgasm, and place not one but TWO hard-boiled eggs into the pot to transform them from cold to hot. routine is the key to happiness. i arrange my eggs much like the pic above into a happy face, that necessarily starts the day off happy for me...except i don't give the breakfast face a toast-and-butter hat, that would be ridiculous. while researching this, i entered the weird part of youtube and was viewing vids on some delicacy known as eggs and brains, pork brains in milk gravy...the happy breakfast egg face's bacon-strip lips are turning upside down...

2. your sandwich cut? in half, down the middle or diagonal?: funny you should ask, i go to The Store once a week, they call that weekly, to get my hot sandwich, just a hot sandwich, not a blowjob. since variety is the spice of life, sometimes i opt for the potato wedges and hot wings sitting all morning under a broken heat lamp. they're, well, never tasty, chicken is wiry, potatoes taste like concrete. sometimes it's good, you have to catch it right when they're put into the chafing tray, otherwise they've been coagulating for hours while you were eating your breakfast egg face, and now you have egg on your face. diagonal cut is only for the sophisticated class, thus i choose it, it's pretty and symmetrical and mathematical, Adventure Time!

3. your coffee?: Starbucks, it has to be Starbucks. this isn't me being a corporate shill, it's just that they have through the years transformed me into one of their advertising drone bots by creating those bottles of coffee and mocha Frappuccinos. i distinctly remember the very first time i tried a Frappuccino, it was at Cal, they were giving them away in an ice bucket at the front of the campus gate, never had one before, but i couldn't turn down free drink. i even remember what that dude was wearing who in passing me said to his friend, "yeah, dude, free Frappuccinos, this way." he wore hipster-yellow mittens. never heard the term Frappuccino until then...took an old-college-try swig of the stuff...now i can't bodily function without it. it's weird, though, because although i intellectually realize that the stuff tastes like cat piss, my tongue concurrently sends the signal to my brain that the stuff is good and rich and creamy and milky. science: it fucks with you.

4. your tea?: tea Earl Grey hot, exactly like Jean-Luc Picard orders it. i want to lick that man's strong bald head.

5. your ice cream---cone, cup or condom? yes, that's right, your ears are working properly, we said condom. Google it, just Google it: oh Japan! oh Japan, i love You so! you fit my personality perfectly, you're the grandest combination of creativity and weirdness, a chap like me can only hope to one day live inside you, wriggle inside around you, and never be birthed out. Japan and the UK, hopefully i can set foot in these two brilliant countries before i die alone.

6. you hair---long or short? up or down? straight or curly? permed or natural?: my relationship with my hair led to my depression. i hated my frizzy hair, i always wanted long, nice, straight, raven-black hair like Trent Reznor, but alas, it turned out unmanageably frizzy. curly i could cope with, but it was fucking frizzy and nasty. we tried everything: straightening it, but that became too expensive; crying, which was always comforting; until i made the decision to simply shave my head each month and be done with it. Dad always used to say after each of my monthly visits to the straightening guy's salon, "hey buddy, hey Phoenix," Dad called me Phoenix, "i thought girls liked dudes with a little curl in their hair."

is that true by the way? do the babes like curly hair, is it that straight hair is actually boring? please tell me my online friends.

7. to have sex? in what position?: scrunched up into a tiny ball, otherwise i don't feel the thrusts anymore.

bonus: how do you like your lovers?: real.




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