TMIT: THERE'S SOMETHING IN MY FRIDGE...

there's something in my fridge.......regret......and carrot sticks and my blow-up doll. what!? i have to keep the thing from melting somehow.

sex and food go together like.......well, food and sex, living and breathing.

pic 8 down from the top up above there reminds me of my new friend...

what is in my fridge:

1. anything alcoholic? beer, wine, champagne?: wine coolers, fucking strawberry and hard as hell. real men drink wine coolers. actually, i don't like bitter drinks, i have enough bitter inside me as it is, i need to balance the universe by consuming sweet liquids.

2. any guilty pleasures? anything chocolate? ice cream?: i don't consider any food and drink a guilty pleasure, it's necessary for this human to live. i mean, what's the point of going on if i can't have my Trix cereal and my shedload of cans of Monster Energy? i can't live in a world where i am denied the chance to be fruitalicious and speedballed like a motherfucker.

3. any really old bottles of condiments?: funny you should ask that, i have tons and tons of ketchup packets old and recently-old from In-N-Out Burger, Burger King, and McDonalds. i always get these packets included in my bags when i eat out, i don't ask for ketchup explicitly, it seems to be implied. don't get me wrong, i'm grateful for the sauce, but i always use my home ketchup instead, so i'm left with this large-ass plastic bag that now contains 800,000 ketchup packets and 1 relish.

4. frozen pizza? any other frozen quick dinners?: pizza, nom nom nom. i prefer hot, but i'll take cold, much like my sex habits. my favorite topping on pizza is pizza. i never got the extra cheese thing, are they ripping you off if you ask for normal cheese? i'm a bachelor, i have to eat frozen dinners, though sometimes i treat myself to a little cotton candy i make homemade in my backyard shed, secret ingredient, shhhh! don't tell anyone: moonshine. whether i'm chomping down on yellow ice---that's the macaroni-and-cheese gourmet meal, brown ice---that's the filet mignon, black ice---that's the roadkill special, some sort of, like, i dunno, meatloaf or something, i'm happy to be alive............i'm so fucking lonely, i need a wife to feed me properly.........

5. anything actually rotten or moldy?: my pride, my self-worth. as far as food, no, i'm surprisingly clean and well-kept in my kitchen mostly because i don't have a lot of food and drink to start with, so nothing lasts long enough to mold, except for that damn ketchup. i'm so fucking poor, i drink grape juice and pretend it's wine, i pretend i'm rich by making it rain Monopoly money in my den, i think eating hard salami makes me hard.

6. what do you have in your fridge that the rest of us probably don't?: well, the blow-up doll. okay, everyone has that, but does your blow-up doll speak to you in dulcet tones like mine does?

bonus: in Philip Roth's Portnoy's Complaint, the main character Alexander Portnoy masturbates using a liver steak and cored-out apple. have you ever masturbated with food?: damn, i missed that one English lecture in college, i was too busy trying to get my credits verified at the student center. dude helping me said he would only comply with my demands if i did a "Portnoy's Not Complaining Anymore" on his body. now i know what he meant.

bonus bonus: we're curious, how many phallic-shaped foods are in your refrigerator?: one, my penis-shaped bottle of cottage cheese. don't ask. okay, ask. well, the cottage cheese looks like...i tear a small hole into the bottletop with scissors, and...yeah...

i ate all the pickles and the carrots and the sweet potatoes and the celery. however, there are still the two radishes in the top drawer that look like my balls.

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY

.