VALERIE STEVENSON: YOUR HOUSE IS TOO FULL FOR ME?...

 

Valerie Stevenson finds the place. it's John Stamos's house.

John Stamos answers his front red door.

John Stamos: you come highly recommended. by Jen. did you find the place okay?

Valerie Stevenson: oh yes. on Cahuenga. i couldn't miss it. you know, John, i am so excited to be FINALLY starting my life, you know?

John Stamos: alright a couple ground rules, Jack Tripper-style. i don't mean to have a bug up my ass but a grasshopper is actually in my butt right now.

Valerie: how does that happen?

John: never go on a picnic at night. there's gonna be no hanky-panky, okay?

Valerie: oh, right. i wasn't expecting any. i mean, every artist has romantic notions of course. if you're on a successful sitcom, you're gonna date your costar, coworkers are coworkers. if you're making an album together with someone, it's gonna be Fleetwood Mac no matter what.

John: i'll let you have the air mattress upstairs alone. until the '90s start, then you can have the futon...

mom: when you get to be my age, you watch for shrinkage. no, brain shrinkage.

The Dead Zone.

Christopher Walken: *flashes Christopher Walken creepy smile* i'm gonna die? oh well, it was a good run.

Christopher: how many more episodes will i have?

doctor: the same number of episodes as Three's Company.

doctor: my name is Sam? i thought my name was doctor.

blonde girl: don't worry, i'm not one of those Sami Brady demon-child types. math is useless, right?

Christopher: private tutor, what a concept!!!

Anthony Zerbe: could you help my son? i know you have to touch his hand but he's invisible.

Martin Sheen: i know i'm Third Party but i'm Martin Sheen so i'm gonna win. my bodyguard is Norm Macdonald. yeah it's probably better to just get Jesse Jackson on your campaign staff.

Jesse Jackson: i was a Shadow U.S. Senator, both meanings.

Christopher: you like Ghost in the Shell? sorry i'm nervous. come on, son, an Indian war bonnet?...

Stillson: i can do pushups!!! government is easy. come on, everyone likes cheese.

volunteers: without us, you're nothing.

David Cronenberg: that door just closed by itself...

Martin: see i have a vision that i'm gonna be on The West Wing.

Cronenberg: Sorkin is a hack!!!

Aaron Sorkin: can't talk, i'm walking...

opponent: these are compromising photos of my ex-wife, i don't care about her.

Jen R: i am rare and radiant.

Christopher: kid, have you ever eaten LIFE cereal?

Walt: can i leave you with some literature?

Christopher: Edgar Allan Poe, not brochures.

Walt: nice to finally meet you. Sarah tells me you were her first blowjob.

Christopher: not in front of the kid. by the way, voting is useless.

boy: who was that, Johnny?

Johnny, crying: Lenore.

Christopher: THE ICE IS GONNA BREAK LIKE A KIT KAT BAR!!! 

Christopher: i only get crazy when i'm right. ironically i'm not walken without this cane...

boy: dad, i like hockey, but Atari is gonna be a revolution.

Christopher: okay you want me to prove to you that i'm psychic? did you know more coeds today are big drinkers?...

President Stillson: i'm the voice of the people and the people want nuclear war!!! why does my bodyguard look like Abraham Lincoln? 

Christopher: the rifle works better with a screw loose. when the rifle has a screw loose...

Sarah: now that i've seen the whole movie, seen his secret underhanded gangster tactics, that candidate was a scumbag!!!

David Cronenberg: my stuff is intimate yet from a faraway land. my stuff is cozy Canadian comfort.

Valerie Stevenson: *knocking on the inside door* um, excuse me, Mr. John Stamos?

John Stamos: leave me alone, i'm busy.

Valerie: it's just you have this cool empty garage here. why don't we practice our band stuff here in the garage in true '80s fashion? 

John: that's not my garage. i don't pay for that garage. the garage isn't part of the house, that's how all the houses on this block are in those cute little rows...

your hands freezing up: means no more sunburn on your neck.

Ellie Anderson: British bird.

Dutch Wonderland Inn: where i WISH i was born, then i could stay at the amusement park forever.

Walt Disney: so, um, i'm looking around this place and, copyright problems much?!!!

Off the Air: the next episode should be "Entropy"...

Super Saiyan 4: yeah but it was baby form, you know?

Hi and Lois: this is the next comic strip that needs so be turned into an adult animated cartoon...

The Clan of the Cave Bear: the '80s film, Daryl Hannah, the next PBS Saturday Night Movie...

Daryl Hannah: my name sounds like the '80s...

Rory Gilmore: i say "I love you" and you say "Back atcha"? come on, dude.

Dan Orlovsky: i use deo on my BO.

El Gordo y La Flaca: it's weird to do a show at 7PM at night...

wedding toast: bread at the wedding.

Joe Gitter: i actually have a woman's fingers. corn chowder is an AUTUMN dish, not a summer dish. there is no such thing as bacon that is too salty.

Bridget Lancaster: my boyfriend Sweaty Onions works for Meta now.

Joe Gitter: i've spent the last three hours trying to fish the fucking bay leaf out of the chowder!!! fuck it!!! just leave the fucking bay leaf in there!!!

craving pumpkins: clamoring for the next Smashing Pumpkins album ALREADY!!!

Billy Corgan: fans are a pain in my neck.

Jen R: so how's it going?

Valerie Stevenson: terribly. John Stamos gives me the cold shoulder. he ignores me. i've been there five months now and nothing. no progress on the album or the show. he's pretending i don't exist, me, a vital member of the group.

Jen: i hear weird noises at night. when i'm spying on you. for safety.

Valerie: yeah it's pretty obvious John Stamos is fucking Lori Loughlin all night long in the Full House kitchen. 

Jen: oh yeah, next to the ferns.

 

VALERIE STEVENSON: A SINGER'S PATH

 

Valerie Stevenson: this is MY time. you see me? you see me as i am right now in the early 1980s? with my spiked choker, spiked bracelets, spiked jacket, and spiked hair!!! and plum eyeshadow. i'm not trying to be Jem, i'm trying to be ME. you see how this works? i have a dream to be a famous singer and nothing's gonna stop me. all i have is this time NOW to do it. i can't help what decade i was born into, what genre i'm labeled. i can only sing the songs that are in my heart, my own original songs, not any fucking covers!!! i need the world to see me for me, that can only happen if they hear me for me. i'm not thinking in the back of my mind that Madonna's gonna get there first before me, i can't think like that...

Valerie Stevenson: i can only follow my own path...

Jen R: yeah i feel you, girl. so what kind of songs are spilling out of your soul?

Valerie: they bubble from my gut at night. 

Jen: are you sure that's not gas?

Valerie: like, very SAD songs, songs of LONGING, songs which speak without words to the feeling of having lost something irretrievable in a very purple nostalgic way...

Valerie Stevenson: i'm like a Vaporwave punk...

me: i need a family. but lust is my problem...

Jen: put down the porn and pick up a program.

Mark Sanchez: the Butt Fumble. you guys couldn't let it go. it was just a stupid funny thing. but you made it so it would eventually drive me to lose the tethers of my sanity.

Terry Bradshaw: the football is a tethered ball. maybe if you had completed that drive...

The Dead Zone.

Christopher Walken: what is USA Network?

Brooke Adams: where i'm married to a Monk...

Stephen King: see in my book Johnny couldn't see the future, he was just brain-dead.........it was a sadder story...

Castle Rock, Maine: where Seinfeld lives.

Christopher Walken: wait i look like a DORK in this.

Jen R: can you imagine having Christopher Walken as your high-school English teacher the week of Halloween? smiling that creepy smile of his in your direction, getting you all hot and bothered.

Christopher Walken: *in Christopher Walken voice* i'm okay. just hot flashes. i get flustered.

dad: on a teacher's salary, all you can afford is a VW Bug. 

truck driver: you okay? oh shit, fuck this, i'm just gonna leave the scene.

Sarah Bracknell: where is intensive care?

nurse: is this a New England hospital? upstairs.

doctor: hello, John. you're alive but your life sucks. it's the year 3000 and everyone's gone. your wife married JFK who lived.

Christopher: excuse me, i'd like to listen to Pearl Jam "Black" alone in my hospital room please.

nurse: i know this is a sanctuary but does a hospital room really need a wood model ship?...

Jen: UNLIKE this, your telephone call to me WAS meant to be...

Christopher: you look like Karen Allen.

Sarah: you'd like my husband.

Christopher: yeah i seriously doubt that. your kid should have been MY kid!!!

David Cronenberg: you like my quick cuts?...

Nicholas Campbell: the only way i could be a cooler Canadian actor is if i did anime voices...

Christmas tree: not everything has to be Minority Report, man.

psychics: we are blessed by God, we were never meant to have personal lives...

Christopher Walken: *in Christopher Walken voice* i don't know.

Christopher: wanna go to Denny's? sorry i'm nervous. look, i can't fuck without the cane.

Sarah: this is gonna be lovemaking, not fucking.

Christopher: wait, so you're getting a divorce?

Sarah: no, this is a one-time Christmas gift for you. playing house with another man's kid for a day. to give you a taste of what your second family should have been. no other woman would do this for a man!!!

dad: making bookshelves, like i did with mom with I Ching...

Nicholas Campbell: it's me, isn't it. you can't hide my distinctive voice.

Da Vinci: the culprit is me...

Hans & Franz: maybe if your benchpress wasn't so puny, puny man!!!

Christopher Walken: the bullet, the tinnitus, not good for my headaches.

doctor: you are doing better, look at all this fan mail!!!

Christopher: it's not fan mail. i can't burn it because i don't want another burning house...

William Shakespeare: the board game is the bard game which is still Uncle Wiggily.

across: your new favorite word.

kiss-clash: no it's not two bespectacled lesbians trying to kiss at the Portland Bratmobile show, it's two The Clash fans regardless of sexual orientation debating in Portland the merits of the band Kiss.

Ani DiFranco at the Portland show at the mic before her set: i mean how is SNL not gonna get canceled?...

goofs on a TV show: it's just the boom mic.

Chef Jose Andres: does anyone else have THIS SPECIFIC WHITE BEARD? that looks like i rubbed toothpaste across the lower half of my face.

SimpliSafe: it's not quite Minority Report.........yet...

Jen R: if you're a married couple and you don't kiss in public, if all you do is hug in public, that is NOT a good sign for the marriage lasting...

Kit Kat: the afternoon chocolate.

Rebecca Lowe: gambling problem? call me, my soothing British voice will ease your suffering and let you place that pound down away from the window.

Rebecca Lowe: i have to do these DraftKings adverts you see. soccer shouldn't be about bets, it should be about balls. the soccer bosses are all uptight British men who weren't allowed to watch Monty Python as lads.

human in a hangar with ONE of the Wright Brothers in an old-timey tan photograph up on the hangar wall: humans were meant to fly? then where are our wings?...

Premier League: now THAT is a moment of silence...

me: every dentist reminds me of you.

Jen R: Imzadi...

The Rock: you see? i get the Oscar for out-Mickey Rourke-ing Mickey Rourke in the wrestler thing, that gives me the gravitas to finally run for President...

chimichurri: it's good but your butthole will be sore for days.

Valerie Stevenson: no matter who or what is in front of me, i can't give up on my dream. 

Jen R: they're not in line, they're blocking you.

Valerie: i have to keep singing my songs, in dives, bars, and strip joints. 

Jen: you will touch people there. with your music.

Valerie: i have to keep renting out studio space in the Hacienda Hills.

Jen: yes, La Cienega is the place to disappear. 

Valerie: they say all the songs are already in the ether fully-formed, a singer simply has to PLUCK them out of the sky.

Jen: yes. but EVENTUALLY, you know, EVENTUALLY, you kinda have to get discovered. get noticed. you kinda have to get onto a TV show or be in a band or something. Dick Clark has to read your name off a sheet of paper he was slipped on-air. look, i'll tell you what i'm gonna do for you. i like you, kid, you have spunk. i might have John Stamos's phone number. i went to a party last week and he was there, i think. it was one of those mansion parties with, like, 10,000 people all out on the front lawn.  

Valerie: you have John Stamos's number?!!!

Jen: i have no idea. but if i did, it'd be in THAT cardboard box over there...

THE UNIVERSE'S DIRTY MIRROR: THE WILL TO LIVE

 

an electric guitar appears across the face of the Mirror.

Jeff Baena: you see how wrong this is? why didn't the Universe help me?

Kurt Cobain: you were seduced by my music. by my fuzzy chords of decay. but it wasn't your fault, i composed some heavy dank songs!!!

Jen R: we gotta do something about this.

me: but what?

Jen: call one of your wives.

me: i wish.

Jen calls Melissa Maker from the motel phone.

Melissa Maker: i know what i have to do.

Melissa Maker uses some vinegar and wipes the Mirror in an S pattern.

Melissa: S not for Salesian, for Silurian...

Jeff Baena: i'm suddenly feeling a lot better.

Kurt: are you seeing the color blue again?

Jeff: what happened?

Jen: she cleaned the Mirror. it now projects hope onto a lost soul of its own accord.

Melissa: regardless of you having a bad day.

Ernest Hemingway: not merit-based...

Mirror: you'd think i'd have a large storehouse of star magic like that to spread around, you know? 

Jeff: how do i know it's working?

Jen: because you just went through this experience...

Kurt: it's good to talk. to say something else.

support Blue: not police, Democrats...

Raul De Molina: Robert De Niro, get it?...

Chrissy Snow: i sleepwalk because i had a stressful childhood growing up the minister's daughter. i had to be the best in school. i couldn't be dumb...

Bran: yes it's the name of a strange man but everybody needs cereal to live out their potential.

DJ in Atlanta: a semi-retired dentist just means you can eat a bag of candy before your Halloween Day root canal.

NY Yankees fans: we all have pornstaches...

broken bat: the difference between winning the World Series and being Charlie Sheen.

Churu: for cats who roam the Taj Mahal.

pizza: tomato tart.

Jaleel White: when you're a gameshow host everything in life is a pun on your game show's name...

the last person you trust: as in, the only person you trust.

Obama: Yes on Prop 50.

Jane Goodall: our wild planet.........not those Wild Planet rubbery-chicken microwave TV dinners...

me: EVERYTHING, every TV commercial, TV show, food, song, magic trick, animal, pantomime, and school test, every gum-wrapper comic, every toy, reminds me of you, i see life through YOUR mirror.

Jen R: maybe if i was more of a Melissa Maker-style lifecaster...

Jen: these are all building blocks, you know. neon building blocks which form the bridge to the dreamworld where i'm waiting for you to play that board game in my soft mauve sweater...

me: can we cuddle?

Jen: let's cuddle WHILE we're sliding the gamepiece across the board...

Nintendo: our last hit was the Game Boy...

forgotten password: that could have been a marriage. a marriage that will never be because of a forgotten password...

PG&E: you're calling about a power outage? no you didn't pay your power bill, yeah, it's the same phone number...

Courteney Cox: can i play me in The Bear Springsteen movie?...

Our First For Kurt!!!: The Seattle Mariners.

Kurt Cobain: in the postseason every pitch YOU HOLD YOUR BREATH...

the Mirror is showing a pair of clasped hands.

at America's Test Kitchen.

Sam Block is holding Bridget Lancaster's hands TIGHT.

Sam Block: i've never told you this, Bridget, but i cherish you DEARLY. when i was the new kid on the block you took me under your wing and guided me through the perils of television cooking. you made me feel accepted, a blonde with a purpose, not a freak. you didn't laugh at my weird recipe for avocado french fries.

Bridget Lancaster: new kid on the Sam block, get it? sandlot. well my wing ain't as fat and feathered as it used to be.

Sam: but that's the thing, dear, there's not LESS of you to love now that you've lost 100 pounds, there's a more HEALTHIER YOU to bathe in the radiance of!!!

Bridget: i mean it was more like 15 pounds, doctor told me to shave a little off the sides, you know, like a cheese wedge, just to protect the heart and keep me from becoming a full totem of cholesterol. now i have the shape of a chess piece. that's the problem with being a cook, you eat all the food!!!

Sam quickly makes love to her friend. she powders the table underneath Bridget's new light body with flour then she sucks Bridget's new skinny tits and rubs her new licorice butt around like a bowlful of jelly. she plants the most tender kisses on Bridget's plumper lips, 12 in all for the 12 days of a long snowy Christmas.  

Sam: your lips taste like food.

Sam sucks Bridget's vagina dry of milk under her apron. Bridget's milk waterfalls across Sam's milky face. 

Sam: there's still a dam down there!!!

Bridget: impressive, you did all that without removing your glasses!!!

it's still cloudy.

THE UNIVERSE'S DIRTY MIRROR: OUR DAY AT LEGENDS

 

Jen R: it's giving me a giant blocky grey face. this man must be sick.

me: the Mirror? no that's Olmec. you know, from Legends of the Hidden Temple?

Jen: i never watched the adult version.

me: yeah that was atrocious.

Jen: let's go. i've always wanted to play this game. be on a game show as it was taping, you know?

me: and i've always wanted to be on a team with you!!!

we're the Purple Parrots.

Jen: so Vaporwave. i love these matching T-shirts. this T-shirt is bigger than my whole frame.

Kirk Fogg: shut the fuck up, children, and let Olmec talk.

Jen: you know now that i see Olmec up close, he is VERY HANDSOME!!! those big lips are to die for. tall, dark as in stone, and handsome. yeah it makes sense now, Olmec wouldn't get sick from a local native disease, he'd be immune to such village flus.

Olmec: when Kirk gives the signal, cross the moat...

Jen picks me up, plops me on her head, and walks on water.

Jen: fuck the rope bridge, you know? are we first? i'm stronger than i look, than my small frame would indicate.

me: you're stronger than me, both meanings.

Tulisha: i can't write my anime writeups without my boba coffee. my name means "to write..."

Zorba the Greek.

Basil: i'm basic? i shall be your witness, madam. and i shall grow my Amish mustache.

rosewater: aftershave, not pink wine.

Widow: do you know who my husband was? Jack Klugman. you are vicious, i need a man, not a boy. hey but don't kill yourself over this, kid, you're more suited to Madame Hortense, that's all.

boy: the Widow has taken up with someone who's not me? i don't care, i got my Solitaire, it's a great card game, i'm already a NEET!!!

Basil: don't say she's beautiful when she cries, don't say she's beautiful when she cries...

Basil: please, i don't want to fuck you, i just want you to be my mommy.

Widow: what's with the rocks with your fists behind my bare back? 

Basil: Boy Scouts, how to tie a knot.

Sourdough Boy: we all could have group-laughed and let this thing go.

village: we're one of those provincial villages, worse than a small town in the USA, not a good place for women. 

Zorba: i paint my hair green. i know not why.

Anthony Quinn: now you see why i didn't win the Oscar, the Academy couldn't reward this Zorba character!!!

stoned to death: not Old Testament village justice, just grotesque mob violence.

Basil: Zorba and i COULD have carried the Widow away to safety, shielding her, never letting go of her hand until we stashed her into a ship bound for England...

Zorba: hey let's all go to Hawaii, there's already a zipline there.

bonbonniere: that thing you get at prom.........if you're lucky...

God: where are we gonna find a priest on a Greek island?!!! 

Vicky: oh my god, this is the view i have with Jack Tripper in the Three's a Crowd intro!!!

Madame Hortense: candle-cupping on my back?

Zorba: it's a sex thing.

Madame Hortense: kissing the suction-cup circle mark is kinda grossly kinky. get these old nag hags in the black veils off my door, they're CREEPY!!!

LOOT THE DEAD!!! and don't forget the Dorothy slippers.

Zorba: i'll just take her parrot here, maybe it's a magic parrot that will teach me how to fly so i can blow this popsicle stand and go to New York City. she won't have a funeral, she gave the Crip sign with her fingers.

Zorba: i'm gonna use this rifle to shoot at the zipping log. just for fun.

Walt Disney: and THAT is exactly what happened to Splash Mountain, too.

Basil: KFC? really?

Zorba: okay, where is Shirley Valentine on this island? she was the only woman i could never conquer...

Kirk Fogg: time for the Steps of Knowledge.

Olmec: The Tale of Christopher Columbus's Turkey Leg...

Jen R: oh can i do the funny voices?

Kirk: dude, let Olmec tell the story!!! 

Jen: it's just, it's always weird how ALL of the artifacts SOMEHOW end up in Olmec's temple. how exactly does that happen?

Carmel: the best part is the tiny church bell...

Jen: all these Temple Games are just recycled from American Gladiators.

me: remember American Gladiators for Kids?

Kirk: THEY stole from US!!!

Indiana Jones: come on, GIANT grey balls?

Zoe Saldana: every woman has a man who's Blond Rambo...

State Fair: not for corndogs. not even at home.

vegetables: best when dried...

Spider-Man: i have a spitting problem.

NYC in the '70s: it wasn't Son of Sam, it was Mr. Kotter!!!

4PM: the time when you do 4 things at once...

cats: don't dress us in silly outfits. just don't.

polite poverty: because Teddy Ruxpin is scared of bears...

spaghetti all'assassina: the spaghetti of Assassin's Creed. you'd think this would be a quick spaghetti, because assassins have to be quick with the kill, but it actually takes LONGER to make.

St. Francis of Assisi: contrary to popular myth, i was never an assassin.

fried spaghetti: is it really worth it?...

Rexall: not recall, our drugs are fine.

June Squibb: 95 years old, lucid mind that learns lines and acts dramatically, in line for her first Oscar, no nudity, i think we can bypass the 5 and anoint her a Golden Girl Immortal.

Tron: Ares: humanity is over.

Jordan Catalano: not yet...

Angela Chase: what?

Jordan: i mean, never, never, the human will and spirit and all that.

Angela: can you read in the future?

Jordan: you don't need to read in the future, everyone's a beam of light.

The Smashing Machine: finally the Smashing Pumpkins/Rage Against the Machine collab album the fans have been clamoring for.

Raul De Molina: all i care about is what celebrities eat.

how to stop war?: the generals are too serious to grapple with that question and offer an easy solution...

Fat Bear: can i join the Army?...

Clarissa Molina: yeah i'm only allowed to do this rinky-dink little interview show on YouTube because of the way Raul De Molina pronounces my name...

Bjork: demons are slippery little devils, they are the unnamed.

Kirk: Temple Run time, kill me now.

Olmec: yes, the Turkey Leg of Christopher Columbus, you COULD take the route of...

Jen: hey Olmec, how do blowjobs work with you?

Kirk: DUDE, can you not TALK OVER Olmec?!!! it just screws up the show and leaves the audience confused.

Olmec: i need Systane for my red eyes. artificial tears are better than no tears at all.

Jen goes first. she gets lost in the Quicksand Bog.

Kirk: i TOLD you that really happens to people!!!

i wait for her for four hours. she never reappears. dejected, i go back to the motel Nick put us up in.

the next day EARLY morning i receive a call from Jen on the motel phone:

Jen R: where are you? i've been waiting for four hours. did you get lost?

me: i am so happy to hear your comforting voice. 

Jen: did we win the Bermuda trip? with the blue tennis courts? the world music on steelpan in the lobby through the lobby reeds?

me: no it's the Best Western Pink Shell. the Young Travelers' Club. you were supposed to make me finally like Florida.

Jen: just as well, the reason i came down here was to visit my mom in Fort Myers.