LET THE FAILURE HAPPEN: LEARNING SOME MORE

 

Liza: i wanna go back to school.

me: college or trade school?

Liza: i wanna learn new things. but first i'm gonna order every single food item on DoorDash and eat it in my room for the experience.

me: that's gonna be a big snack.

Liza: once DoorDash merges with Instacart, will In N Out Burger FINALLY sell frozen burgers?...

Sir Alex Ferguson: new?

Wayne Rooney: no i'm New.

Alex: ah, Newcastle.

Wayne: but i'm an old soccer player, i can't play for Newcastle!!!

Gladyce: when you get a new canister of lightweight kitty litter, don't pour it all into the kitchen trashcan you brought to your bedroom...

Eagle-Eye Cherry: us people related to famous musicians have just enough juice in us to put out one REALLY GREAT SONG of our own. and that's it.

Sean Lennon: ...

Jakob Dylan: ...

Robin Thicke: ...

Black Lab: that band fronted by lead singer Paul Bettany...

Pumpkinhead: that grave was like a raised platform on the stage of a live production of Godspell on Broadway, the spotlight above in the sky shining on that grave stage...

Chipotle at the mall: there's not one can-opener in this restaurant.........this would not be a good fallout shelter after a nuke hits...

Borat: for all actors: you're gonna be embarrassed, but you must remain in character...

mint chocolate chip: it's meant to be light green, not white...

Sabrina Curzi: remember our mint chocolate chip shakes at Baskin-Robbins we shared together in the late '90s after school when my mom would carpool us around town?

me: yes. we were rebels. i never knew ice cream could be a shake.........i wish i was your son...

Murders in the Zoo: Dinner at Eight with animals...

friends: two people who are bored at the same time...

The Wraith: see? the Speed Racer live-action movie was already done very well here...

Santa: my beard's not white, i'm brushing my teeth, that's Pepsodent foam. 

Mrs. Claus: brush your whiskers once in a while, you fat lazy work-once-a-year peppermint bastard.

L7: "Bite the Wax Tadpole" was actually about male genitalia...

every alternative band's first late-'80s album: we sound like R.E.M....

me: are you going to your lectures?

Liza: i've had enough lectures in my life!!! from men who love to tell me off.

me: most professors are women now.

Liza: i'll get to my lessons. but first i need to drive to every Utah Mammoth ice hockey game, home and away. the season pass cost me as much as my Willy Wonka Golden Ticket.

me: i'm not gonna say you're stalling but...

Liza: i'm not wasting time, i watch these hockey games live with my best friend who has cancer. learning comes in many forms...