ANNEX: AXIS MUNDI

 

at Burning Man, Jen and i spot the theme very quickly through the hot winds.

Jen R: Axis Mundi. sounds like the name of a businessman. 

me on my head from worry: balance.

Jen: why are you wearing a bra?

the desert sands shift and the Earth's axis tilts, just enough to gently tap Trump, Putin, and the Ayatollah off the side of the planet and drifting into space...

Nate Robinson: the NBA gave me depression. 

Michael Jordan: Vanquish, trust me. and no pizza for a week.

Charles Barkley: you could do talk therapy but it's with me, so...

Greenland: Never Forget: not quite the same as 9/11: Never Forget.

Dr. Drew Jr.: i'm on the new season of Queer Eye...

Berkeley front gate: the color of green tea...

LUSH: we got smudge!!!

Ear Horn: sticks.

Alice's son walks into Mel's Diner.

Alice's son: i went to Arizona State.........so i'm flipping burgers here at Mel's Diner...

Mel: who loves ya, baby.

Linda Lavin: i'm not Maria from Sesame Street...

Kazen, a native Indian of brown and red, all naked and sore with bone statement jewelry, approaches Jen with a line.

Jen: you want my socks? not my number?

Kazen: those green socks of yours, miss, they are mesmerizing. lime green.

Jen: no one ever notices. see this is what i was preparing for. want my socks? that sounds so dirty.

Kazen: are you sure i won't be bruising your juicy tootsies?

Jen: nah i'm used to burning my toes on holy desert sand.

Kazen: i am the color of the California Redwoods. i am from Redlands, CA.

Kazen: see that is the magic of this place. Grinch socks, wearing these makes me HAPPY.

The Grinch: counterintuitive. but it makes perfect sense to my species. i'm the same species as Frieza. snow, sand, our feet ENDURE. The Grinch has made you happy today, you fruit tart.

Kazen: oh they're so snug and fit. thank you for the heart medicine, my heart is made of glass, it doesn't really exist, it's like an apple of air in my chest. you can't be angry when you're wearing socks.

Logo: RuPaul's Drag Race, Three's Company. Gimme A Break, Alice, Flo, and Mama's Family...

RuPaul: if you watch a lot of '80s TV, you might be a drag queen...

Thalia: i'm not Paulina Rubio...

Linda Lavin: do you see me in Season 9 of Alice? i've had it. i'm ready to leave this diner, ready to move on to dinner theater, to, you know, SING? ready to up and leave without wiping the menus on my way out. you see how SHORT my hair is?...

bath bombs in a tub: you're a human boba drink...

pinkie finger: a makeshift butter knife.

teriyaki sauce: the BANE of my existence. just use soy sauce, man!!!

bees: the world is doomed without us. we do the dirty work.

Jerry Seinfeld: i'm sorry. i'm sorry for everything.

Folgers: no apostrophe s...

Iceman: they put beet juice on the roads during a snowstorm. i was cooler than Spiderman, man. i never got my due. i had the quips and the quirks. i was interesting. i was that frat guy who was sensitive.

Firestar: you know why we couldn't fuck in your dorm room, Iceman. think about someone else for a change. think how i feel, i can never wear statement jewelry, it would melt.

Iceman: i tried to try that SuperBeets stuff. makes your heart strong as an ox. my heart is a frozen apple. but the canister costs $300...

Mr. Furley: i looked like a walking banana when i went down to the Regal Beagle. that's why i never went for my yellow belt in karate...

Carson Beck: i have more tattoos than my girlfriend.

Abella Danger: lost the game, won life...

Scottie Scheffler: i'm the Novak Djokovic of golf...

Spoonman: i just wish in the Soundgarden video i got to play that funky fork...

Stan Wawrinka: the shorts i wore to the French Open that one time were made from a tablecloth in honor of my mama.

StoryCorps: doing a public animated love letter privately to your best friend.

money: it buys life.

Skullduggery: playing Dungeons & Dragons while listening to "The Trees" by Rush...

Kurt Cobain: while eating Round Table Pizza. where instead of pepperoni the topping is Tato Skins.

Pac-Man: it's like if the '80s arcade game Gauntlet were a live-action movie.

halfling: now we're uncool. at least hobbit is a cool name.

Gary Gygax: nobody knows how to pronounce my name. ever since i was a little kid i dreamed of going on 60 Minutes and when i finally do i have to talk about Satanism?...

we find ourselves after a trip and a spell on a LARGE lawn in Downtown Toronto avalanched by rusty wooden antiques.

Jen: whoa, trippy. yardsales are always on cul-de sacs, nobody has a yardsale on a thoroughfare...

me: except the one just opposite Disneyland and that Dwarfs IHOP.

Matt Pinfield approaches Jen with a sock on his cock.

Jen: here we go. it never ends.

Matt Pinfield: the first Burning Man band Red Hot Chili Peppers...

Jen: you don't have to remove your cock sock, my feet have hardened on the pavement.

me: that is cool that your cock sock is a Grinch sock.

Matt: pull the sock from my cock. sorry, i was so tunnelvisioned on what i was gonna say i didn't hear you.

Jen: this place is cool. engrossing, not gross. it's Antiques Roadshow but for vinyl. LP records. Records Roadshow.

Matt: it was your idea. 

Jen: *sigh* i just felt bad when MTV2 was canceled. 15 years ago...

Matt makes a pained expression on his face like he's having a hard poo which is hard for him to do.

Matt Pinfield: you see this vinyl of Blood Sugar Sex Magik? this record saved my life.

Jen: me too. my blood sugar was low and this album told me to see a doctor. the doctor said i had to eat 3 Snickers bars a day for the rest of my life or i would die. the Snickers also regulate my mood... 

 

ANNEX: GRINCH SOCKS AT CVS

 

me: i woke up in the middle of the night in the wrong bed, i should have been in your bed.

Jen R: cuddling only. nobody sleeps in the annex...

Jen: i don't know what it is but i'm feeling down.

me: that's usually me.

Jen: i'm feeling uncool. like i've been uncool for a long time, uncool this whole time.

me: if you're a soulmate you can't be uncool.

Jen: i missed getting the Grinch socks as the Happy Meal toy at McDonald's during Christmas. that really bummed me out. do you know where i can get those socks NOW?

me: CVS, believe it or not. 

Jen: that is so uncool. the same place people get beer?

Prince: i wanted to join in on "We Are The World" but i had crippling social anxiety. i asked to do my part of the chorus in my own soundproof booth...

Michael Jackson: you were scared to sing with me, pretty boy!!!

Cliff Clavin: the Boston accent is fading from existence. the Boston children don't speak like that now. soon it will be erased away from civilization, a lost language.

Frasier: everyone talks like me now...

Godfrey Reggio: the real way to be a monk is to make experimental film...

Ron Fricke: i have the look of someone who worked on Red Shoe Diaries...

Wendy's: our chili has RED beans. nobody puts red beans in chili anymore.

Stu: my dad's computer had just three things on it: NASCAR memes, baseball scores, and Filipina porn. 

James Joyce: it's like when i discovered my father's porn scratched on the underbelly of his school chair which became my school chair.

Stu: i'm just grateful it wasn't Sonic porn.

Jaleel White: ...

foursome: more stable. too much imbalance in a throuple.

Zalman King: an episode of television is called a motion picture...

black humor: you're not supposed to laugh, you're supposed to cry. you're supposed to hurt. sense the pain undergirding the comedy.

Stu: my father swallowed Tic Tacs like they were aspirin. see?

me: let me make a call.

Jen: you don't have that kind of power.

Julie Patzwald: hey.

Jen: JULIE!!! okay NOW i'm in good hands. you're a therapist i would pay for with no results, you know? because you're fun to hang out with.

Julie: dream last night. i have to know who i'm healing here.

Jen: i'm at one of those bars in the Caribbean that is a circular counter surrounded by water next to the turquoise-blue ocean. tiny rolling waves of surf crash on the glass bottles. i'm nursing a Bloody Mary while softly doing the doggy-paddle with my bare wet feet underneath the water. no chairs, no seats, no tables, just the countertop.

Julie: you're trying to be Tom Cruise?

Jen: no i'm just relaxing. i need to lounge more in life. i see on the TV overhead Kurt Loder giving the music news but it's Kurt Loder from Costa Rica. what do you think it means?

Julie: so it's Kurt Loder but with a beard. this is a good sign. it means Kurt's still alive. in OUR universe.

Kurt Cobain in scuba mask, tank, and flippers: yeah see i faked my own death and have been hiding in Costa Rica this whole time...

me: but why?

Kurt: to get away from Courtney.

Julie: Hole time.

Kurt: don't worry, i left her with Evan Dando. i'm not heartless.

Julie: you're buying Grinch shocks at CVS? the same place i get my wine coolers? oh no no no no no. let me show you where the REAL people buy their Grinch socks...

the Trump administration: an absolute NIGHTMARE for empaths.

Keith McNally: i was happy cycling around Martha's Vineyard alone the summer of '76. but i have a granddaughter. so can one be happy alone? the answer is no.

cow: my favorite Tool song is "The Pot". it's such a weird name for a song.

Gary Larson: i've explained the comic enough. fine, it's a bad strip. just because you don't understand it, don't understand NUANCE in cartoons, i can't help you. the creator can only do so much. i predicted a real cow using tools.

cow: you predicted nothing. we've been using power drills for centuries, you just never noticed. you only wanted us for our milk. your own scientists spent centuries trying to develop a brown cow that would squirt out chocolate milk...

Emmanuel Macron: these cool mirror aviator shades? yeah, that's it. they're cool. black eye? the missus? no you see it's symbolic, Trump is giving the world a black eye.

Mel Sharples: i was Chef Boyardee in real life!!! i never understood the appeal of Dinah Shore...

Beth Howland: i'm like if Skeletor was hot.

gale: a British hurricane.

Julie Patzwald: see? get those Grinch socks at Hot Topic like the rest of us. goths are cool.

Jen: i just love being in a mall again. the death of the mall is my midlife crisis.

Julie: hey, you, how did you make this BEAUTY of a woman think she could ever be uncool?

me: blame me, i'm used to it.

Jen: okay the Grinch socks are on and i'm sanguine. and fit. the socks are fit. i need to be prepared, you never know who you'll meet at Burning Man.

in the underground parking lot of the mall, Jen in her car turns on the radio knob and starts singing to Lady Gaga.

Jen: i'm gonna dance dance dance with my hands hands hands above my head head head like Jesus did...

ANNEX: NOT A FAN OF THE BOXES

 

Jen R: i live in the annex. of our house. my husband doesn't trust me to get the groceries, he thinks i'll get like 18 boxes of Froot Loops.

me: you can't do that on the Instacart app, right? at least your room is cool. with the thin-brasswire bed and Hawaii Five-O blanket and wood TV set from the '70s that only plays the SNL Channel.

Jen: one day i'm gonna surf on my blanket. i can't take any more weirdness from you.

me: me? 

Jen: what's with you and the boxes? you're the strangest house guest i've ever put up.

me: thank you for putting up with me, it's only till the DVDs run out.

Jen: you don't like boxes? like all the boxes in this place are GONE, you've taken all of the STUFF out of all of the boxes and recycled the boxes!!!

me: i'd say it was for space but i really think i have an undiagnosed fear of boxes. when i see a box i immediately have to flatten it.

Jen: all packages with a thin plastic skeleton. you take the popsicles out of the box in the freezer. all the EXTRA-LARGE boxes from Pizza My Heart are ripped to corrugated shreds. cereal's in the plastic Seinfeld cereal container. strawberry wafers in a baggie. separating the brownie into 8 bars. you take the Tootsie Roll Pops out of the package, the K-cups out of the paper coffee box, and put them both in ONE bowl...

me: i wish i could do it with the orange juice and milk containers. have any large bags?

Jen: i'm gonna have to find this again post-'80s, the only box you'll keep, the blue box from Van de Kamp frozen enchiladas. i get it, that blue is mesmerizing.

Chris Fowler: see? i wasn't Nick Saban trying to talk tennis...

Curt Flood: because of me, all baseball players are flooded with cash...

Dan Snyder: see the football is so bad but you can surf/ice-hockey, depending on the weather season, OUTSIDE the stadium. and the stadium flips over to reveal it was Noah's Ark all along...

Thanks, AI: the new Thanks, Obama.

haircut: to see Hamnet. and then maybe Hamlet later if that Buffalo park is open at night.

Xi: you see the smile on my face? i never smile. i'm having over Canada for a meeting about a trade deal...

Johnny Cash: i'm not Freddy Krueger, okay?

Metallica: we are simply classical music played in a metal style.

Tupac Shakur: yeah we were ALL grunge in the '90s, all the gangbangers wore plaid long-sleeved shirts over their white T-shirts...

we're in the annex.

me: dream last night: i'm trying to drive my dad's 1973 Pinto but i get the nerves. the trunk is locked shut with a set of larger-than-normal pool balls in a triangle rack inside, no key. after much whimpering and hedging i finally just fucking STEP on the gas and the trunk pops open. what do you think it means?

Jen: you still don't have the balls to live life. you gotta get out there, you gotta get in a car and drive to a place. only then will you find out your balls were actually larger than the average man's balls.

Zalman King: yeah i did do live television interviews promoting Red Shoe Diaries, but they were only broadcast on local Los Angeles stations. Steve Edwards was cool with my art.

Freedom Williams: no one has said "ill" or "rock the mic" since the '90s...

Lleyton Hewitt: i was on The Prince of Tennis? oh yeah, i was #1 at that time...

Withnail and I: Trainspotting in the country...

all surfers: are snowboarders.

The Little Prince: we should team up.

Harold and the Purple Crayon: you're not all alone in the universe with no friends, i crayoned your tiny planet, i'm your only friend...

King Kai: i'm jealous of your home...

Chevy Chase: it's not a skit, it's not a sketch, it's a bit.

Chevy Chase: i am not okay anymore...

Mickey Rooney: do you understand the universe now?

Yakko: ...

Mickey Rooney: i'm not a cartoon. better than those British buffoons Monty Python, i always hated those guys, they're so crude.

Rocko's Modern Life: the Bigheads, the green cave-toad neighbors, are Stanley and Helen Roper.

Rayactions: don't look at my tits.

Stanley Roper: but they're so plump.

Helen Roper: what? oh Stanley how could you!!!

Stanley: uh, ask Jack, somehow that gets me out of this...

Rayactions: Chris Cornell gave his life for this stuff you know. pay attention to my song analysis, i'm an opera singer. because of me you decided you liked music.

Trinity the cat: i have chartreuse eyes.

tree's down: not taking the Christmas tree down in February, the tree's in your front porch because the power outage caused wind damage.

Cary Elwes: YOULES.

Bryan Adams: Robin Hood looking like Kevin Costner was ridiculous.

Chopper from One Piece: if only i had been in charge of the covid vaccine...

Sir Alex Ferguson: the Patriots are gonna win the Super Bowl. Manchester United is good again. you say you liked the '90s but you really didn't.

Bill Belichick: and you DEFINITELY didn't like the 2000s.

Jen: i gotta get out of my living arrangement!!!

me: let's go to Slab City.

Jen: finally, a place that's NOT on the map.

we get there as the sun goes down. or up. plunging the Aztec sunrays to a pleasant purple in a bowl below the orange mountains.

Jen: Slab City is Pee-wee's Playhouse in real life. it's one large skateboard halfpipe.

me: don't look now but we're about to be encountered by a man who's basically Santa Claus if he were homeless. coming right for us.

naked disheveled Santa man: want some lemon spaghetti sauce that's still red?

Jen: huh. never thought that would work but i guess it does.

naked disheveled Santa man: this way you can skip the salad.

Jen: do you live here with your common-law wife you carry around everywhere?

naked disheveled Santa man: you can do that? there are no laws here.

me: i see a lot of desert-stone art and bone crosses but not houses, where does everyone live?

naked disheveled Santa man: we're not telling the government that!!!

Jesus with a punk shaved head: bone crucifixes...

naked disheveled Santa man: just promise me one thing, don't you cool folks be bringing over those Burning Man people, Slab City is Burning Man without the crowds. those unwashed masses, our clay halfpipe is a swimming pool you know. hello, my name is Tony Hawk. they never should have allowed skateboarding into the Olympics. oh, and you can't be disheveled if you're not wearing clothes.

 

WHEN THE TRAINS STOP RUNNING: UNIVERSE TALKS

 

Rodney Recloose from Skate or Die is manning the counter at Top Dog in Berkeley.

Jen R: what's with the bug eyes, dude?

Rodney Recloose: i'm Rodney Dangerfield with a green mohawk. somehow my face looks less ridiculous this way.

me: i've always wanted to work at Top Dog.

Jen: you've never wanted to work at all. that commercial flat-top grill is cool tho, the GIANT silver rectangle in front of your eyes and nostrils, listening to the SIZZLE of the linguica.

Rodney: linguica, it works as a standalone in a bun but not on pizza.

Jen: bun my buns!!! those are kaiser rolls!!!

Rodney: hey buddy.

me: me? i've never been called friend before.

Rodney: OPEN THE GLASS DOORS to this place!!! front AND back. it's the only way to cook hot dogs, otherwise this tiny box of a street-food building loses its Berkeley lore, it becomes a hotbox of NON-marijuana smoke.

Jen: then this beloved place is just a fire hazard. that's no fun.

Rodney: here, buddy, take my shovel to flip the dogs.

me: the responsibility. i'm shaking.

Rodney: when you were young you were practicing for this job, you just didn't know it. every time you cooked Lil Smokies in your pan for breakfast you were working your way up to linguica.

John Malkovich in a college red backwards cap: everyone thinks i'm Steve Buscemi. one linguica, no roll.

Rodney: slow the roll, got it. let the linguica sizzle in front of you, stare at it for like 20 minutes.

Rodney: there was a reason i asked you to open the doors, kid. at night everything changes, you can see the stars from Top Dog NOT on the roof. stare out at the sky from the door. the night sky. the endless stars. the endless stairs you have to take in life to see those stars. i'm not talking astrophysics here, kid, i'm talking metaphysics.

Jen: both have great departments at Berkeley. 

Rodney: what is the universe communicating to you right now, kid? in your ear.

universe: NOTHING.

me: i'd rather not say. too depressing. college is depressing enough.

pretzels: don't do it. don't get that bag of pretzels. you'll get sick of them after your second pretzel...

30 seconds: the precise time to reheat cold pizza in the microwave, TRUST me...

Wikipedia: humanity at its best, not found in the world...

Rodney Recloose: oh yeah i remember watching Koyaanisqatsi when i was a student here. or maybe it was last week. you know they say never watch hot dogs being made, but in this case it was worth it for the Philip Glass music. that's why i have glass doors.

Billy Corgan: tonight, tonight.

Genesis: ...tonight...

Waco Taco: doesn't make up for the missing Choco Taco.

Flinders Petrie: if God looked like a human...

The Grinch: when you think of the color green, you never think of lime green...

Trunks: what happens when i go Super Saiyan Blue?...

Roku: the legal ok.ru?

Night Court intro: a drug deal is going down...

Jacques Pepin: spaghetti? no. come on, man. just no. i'm not making fucking spaghetti.

Aribeth: i sound like Bulma!!!

Winnie the Pooh: i taught you to twerk, not Miley Cyrus.

audiologist: AUDIOLOGIST, not cardiologist. you think if i were a cardiologist i'd be on this game show trying to make some extra scratch? are you deaf?

Nugenix: and HE'LL like it, too. a-ha!!! you didn't think we had the guts to go there!!!

Fatburger: is this Twin Peaks? oh shit i forgot, David Lynch is dead...

Kurt Cobain: i won a yodeling contest in Spokane when i was age 6...

Dolores O'Riordan: that's nothing, i was a baby and i already knew Gaelic keening.

Dave Gahan: it's pronounced Gone. in my mind i've been gone since the Ultra album came out...

Sylvia Plath: stay the path.

Richard Gere: we're a small planet. do you realize how SMALL our planet is? we can't have these stupid-clown world leaders like Trump and Putin going around throwing around their power like candy. we must enact laws and do initiatives which will benefit ALL THE PEOPLE all over the world. Earth is tiny. do you think fascism would thrive on Jupiter? only Buddhism is BIG enough to encompass the universe.

Dalai Lama: you're the most famous Buddhist in the world and i hate that.

me: thanks for this arrangement.

Jen: anytime. that's what friends are for.

me: it's the stupidest thing, those lost episodes of classic '70s and '80s shows that are not on the online lists, i had to send away for the box set.........of DVDs. it wasn't until three days later that i realized: i have no way to play DVDs at my house!!!

Jen: yeah i used to have one of those computers with the thing on the side you slip the DVD in. and my TV used to play DVDs until we got a Roku for some reason. but i do still have a Dell computer with a broken tray...

me: so i can go to your house anytime to watch these obscure episodes?

Jen: i guess. *sigh* why did i have to date a completionist?

Denise Miller: look at my butt. i mean really look at my BUTT. are you watching the episode where i lose my virginity at the prom? that was a Fish episode, right?...