me: i am in Hell.
Jen R: yes. your dad's death has only just NOW hit you.
me: but i'm not in Hell when i'm with you.
me: i think i'm a drug addict.
Jen R: we all are.
me: i can't get through the day without my 2 Vanquish pills.
Jen: but is that any different than someone who takes 2 liver pills a day? everyone has their drug of choice. for Jack Tripper it was braised beef. for Gene Rayburn it was greenroom sex. for Cindy Snow it was a fair shake.
Cindy Snow: i mean did they REALLY have to go out and get Terri?...
Jen: the only people who went through life sober were Lorne Michaels and Louise Lasser.
Novak Djokovic: i mean the pot stench at the U.S. Open is SO bad i'm seeing Bob Marley in the stands next to Brooke Shields.
Bob Marley: that's not an overhead smash, you're just stoned.
Novak: i thought all the grass was back at Wimbledon. does marijuana have gluten?...
Bob: irie means like Keith Haring. can you hit an overhead smash through ganja smoke, sugarman?
My Favorite Year.
Mark Linn-Baker: well at least Perfect Strangers came out of this for me...
Peter O'Toole: picture me as Obi-Wan Kenobi...
Jessica Harper, crying: have you seen my Tales from the Darkside work?...
Nat King Cole: love is now the stardust of yesterday.
Benjy: i got kicked out of college for entering a frat.
Peter: i wheeze after i fuck. i'm 30 so obviously i have a drinking problem.
Old Gold cigarette girl ruminating to herself under the box: marry Alan Alda, not a record producer...
Selma Diamond: Chateaubriand, the steak, not the knight of the Round Table. that's not a cigarette hanging out of my mouth, that's my tongue.
Bill Cosby: a tower of Jell-O, like a house of cards...
gangster: i'm in the removal business. i just ripped up your 4th Grade report card.
Jen R: this is how you would have ended up if you had quit school to join UCLA summer drama camp...
Madame Pons: that was the first blackstone bathtub with a Superwoman statue made of a bar of Ivory soap anywhere in the world.
drunk suit: the green Spider-Man suit...
Humphrey Bogart: i got banned for life from the Stork Club for an insult, i said babies were made there. who do you think you are? Lorne Michaels?
Alan Swann at the Stork Club: i shall dance with the old bag. BUT i warn you, madam, i was the only survivor aboard the Titanic if you know what i mean...
Gloria Stuart: take that, Jennifer Lopez!!!
Benjy: i lived long enough to call Marc Ner my daddy. Judge Stone is my stepfather.
Marc Ner: i'm a Filipino bantamweight, not the janitor. replace this vacuum with a broom. boxing, not kickboxing. i'm publishing my writing in New York...
Selma Diamond: i burn my turds with my cigarette. look, i'm just gonna give it to you straight: your schlong is EXACTLY the size of a hot dog.
Daffy Duck: i need a psychiatrist, Donald Duck made me Zeppo.
Britney Spears in an Empire silhouette: ...
Marc Ner wearing the Seinfeld Puffy Shirt: Bogie is the parrot, named after Bogart, he's fine, he flew away.
Humphrey Bogart: quit bogarting all the chips, sweetheart, i need the vinegar.
the difference between movies and real life: movies are fun.
milkman: society started to deteriorate when my job went away...
St. Cyril's: hot dogs for the first Hot-Lunch Wednesday of the school year, to coincide with Labor Day...
village church: the blacksmith.
Jennifer Pizarro: don't just take a general Jennifer...
Bugs Bunny Park: don't jump!!!
Emil Wakim: don't worry, i feel better after my walk.
Bugs Bunny Park: it's just, there's a tower. go jump in a lake. i'd feel more comfortable if you took a swim in Daffy Duck Lake.
Emil: i might drown thinking about life.........joke. working on my MADtv audition...
ginormous: i hate that word.
Liza from Safeway: it's Leeza, not Liza. Leeza Gibbons, not Liza Minnelli. it's the strangest thing, at Safeway all the parents shop for their kids' First Day of School supplies ONLY on Labor Day. they get 2 green notebooks and call it a day...
September: just a couple of high-school-football heatstroke deaths, no big deal.
Reccoa: i've been thinking. there are two sexes, there must be a reason for this.
Boc: but then how do you explain me?...
Boc: Char Aznable was gay, right? that's why he was so manly.
Danny Aiello: i'm your least-favorite actor of all time, but i was on Law & Order...
MTV: Madonna TV.
Chevy Chase wearing a Santa hat: it's impossible to remember lines when you're going crazy...
He-Man: Orko's Ortho, the new video game from the makers of Dr. Katz!!!
Orko: i called for an exterminator for Castle Grayskull but the man in the white hardhat sprayed ME!!!
Voltron: not cool, dude, those mice you were trying to get rid of were the Voltron mice.
me: beauty means that there is nothing there.
Jen R: yeah Bleach is REALLY leaning into the Buddhism this season...
