THE UNIVERSE'S DIRTY MIRROR: THIS JUST CAN'T BE HOW IT WORKS

 

Jen and i are at the end of the universe.

Jen R: spacey.

me: there's a surprising amount of stuff here.

Jen: yeah but the only thing you need to worry about is that Mirror over there.

over there is a giant Mirror.

Jen: wait let me get my mermaid tail on to explain this. 

me: that mirror could use a good dusting.

Jen: exactly. so apparently this is how the universe works: it merely reflects anything you believe. so if you think your life sucks, you send out vibes that your life sucks and, well, your life DOES suck because the universe will always agree with you.

me: this just cannot be how everything works. it would be too cruel. i know God is a jokester but come on.

Jen: right? shouldn't the Mirror of the universe HELP you when you need help? you know, like if your life sucks the mirror helps to make your life better independent of how you feel about things?...

Fuerza: an external force? *strokes chin* i'll think about it. my chin is NOT hairy.

Vanity Fair: has anyone ever really nailed the second act of life?...

Zorba the Greek.

Nikos Kazantzakis: this is my slice-of-life. if you want a deep masterpiece, read the Jesus cum book.

Anthony Quinn: this was the role i was BORN to play. throughout the entire production of this film i was on Greek cocaine.

Jen R: don't worship Zorba, he "had to" rape women to save Greece. he's one of those squishy anti-heroes you don't really know what to do with.

Jean Harlow: don't tell me the femicide is on a lobby card!!!

Eleni: the quintessential Greek name.

Zorba: zest for life. my new Greek salad dressing is called Zorba Zest.

the vicissitudes: you know, that Greek cucumber sauce.

sirtaki: you know, that dance Mr. Angelino taught Jack Tripper with the OPA! broken dishes.

Zorba: take me with you, my life sucks. think of me as a fat Cantinflas. i am Mexican after all...

George Costanza: first time i've heard the sea referred to as bitch.

Alan Bates: i'm a writer but i'm no pansy. i love my mother...

Greek waiters: we weren't doing the dance!!! those broken dishes are a TRAGEDY.

Basil: Zorba gets seasick? that's not very manly.

Jen: remember when villagers would swarm an out-of-town car?...

Zorba: when you dance with Madame Hortense, make sure that BIG BUTT of hers shakes, that's her moneymaker. like a poker bracelet.

Crete: where the children grow on trees.

Zorba: spray the children with water like they're cats.

Crete: they're cretins.

the French, the Italian, the Russian: Burger King chicken sandwiches in the '80s.

Madame Hortense: i'm a fat Lucille Ball. turns out the four admirals were only seamen when the water was champagne.

goat with telescope: here comes Enigma to do the "Return to Innocence" music video!!!

Irene Pappas: remember that Ingmar Bergman-like film i did where i was this aging doyenne who stuffs her face with cake at the end of a longtable? get Pia Lindstrom out here, she'll tell you...

Zorba: grab the woman by the hair metaphorically with your writing skills.

grapefruit boy: Widow, please place a ladder to your window. or i'll have to go Spider-Man on this stucco wall.

Zorba: to be alive is to undo your belt and get arrested for public intoxication.

Crete: the surrounding sea is one big plop of root-beer-float fizz.

Zorba: i left my wife and kids to be a miner.

monks: we're not too smart. we kinda just let God take care of everything, you know?

Alexander the Great: all in the front. because when a woman stabs you in the back, you can't come back from that.

Ed from the band Live: that's some feral shit. men dancing with men in circles. reminds me of our "Operation Spirit" music video...

Basil: STOP DANCING!!! it's not good for you.

Zorba, crying: don't stop the dance, Boss. be my Kevin Bacon. i didn't dance on the grave of my boy, i was merely being a fan of Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

Zorba: do you know how old i am? 16. my life has been HELL. they say age kills a man's fire. i say man never invented fire in the first place. plus i got that Frank Thomas Nugenix testosterone-boost powder hidden in the mine.

Zorba: see pirate map i draw of you? X marks the spot on the mermaid breast.

Madame Hortense: Suleiman invented Islam for me.

Anthony Quinn: that darn cat.........didn't i do that Disney movie?

Basil: what are the chances only me and the Widow would be walking along the same abandoned dirt road at the same time?...

Zorba: huh, this island village suddenly has 5 Starbucks pop up.

Patti Deutsch: hello, i'm the 90-year-old flower girl.

Jerry Lewis: i'll write the letter but i don't wanna watch you two fuck!!!

voile: voila.

Zorba: when life gets you down.........DANCE!!!

Jen R: i see a dog in the Mirror.

me: it's a dalmatian. but it's not a dalmation, it's dad!!!

Jen: now we're getting somewhere.

me: yeah see i had the dream again last night. the one where a dalmatian storms into my house. but it's all symbolic, because it's really dad paying me a long-awaited visit.

Jen: your dad's childhood dog was a dalmatian, nice.

strategy associate: Survivor strategy...

life: it's about constantly and continuously going out there and getting phone numbers...

Xoxo: i protect you from the underworld. that is, i protect you from my home in the underworld...

sewer socialism: when you really need a Pepsi Milk...

Liza: are you giving me the slip?

me: yes, this Safeway slip that gives me $2 off Pepsi.

Ricky Hatton: my song? Moby "Natural Blues." don't nobody know my trouble with God...

Hallmark Channel: Fall in love...

Europe in the Ryder Cup: withstanding withering boos and booze.

Prince of Persia: after playing this 1989 computer game, you became the pull-up champion of your 3rd Grade P.E. class.

P.E. class: Pee class, remember at St. Cyril's?...

Lucky grocery store: we're not fans of King of the Hill...

Monica Pro: not even the OLD show.

Larry King: i'm not dead. chicken a la KIng was named after me.

soccer goalie: it is HUMILIATING to see the ball in the back of the net like that...

Jon Champion: football is boring but whatever. sport is beneath me. i should be at Oxford right now studying the many wives of Tolkien.

Jeff Probst: thank you for marrying me, second wife. but i'm pretty old now, no kids. i mean if we want rugrats running around the island we better start looking into village schools now.

Jen R: the Mirror is giving me peppermint wallpaper.

me: that's the Regal Beagle.

Jen: oh yeah. you know Three's Company had its SERIOUS moments. i mean nobody ever got cancer or anything but...

me: the Regal Beagle waitress outfits tho.

Jen: i got it!!! they're the black-and-white It's a Living waitress outfits!!! it's all connected, it's all one. Mr. Roper's clothes are as drab and dull and brown as '70s wallpaper. i know the only way you'll drive.

me: how?

Jen: if it's in Mr. Roper's jalopy of a '70s car!!! 

DONUT DATE: FOR THE LOVE OF PICKLEBALL

 

the morning after at Safeway.

Liza: you stink.

me: really? i'm always the last to know.

Liza: i can smell you from the cash register.

me: i bathe every other day, isn't that enough?

Liza: stagger the days, son. you know? work out your schedule so you land on showering in the morning BEFORE you come see me in the morning.

me: i just can't buy salad at Safeway anymore, you know?

Liza: i know. and it's not because of the E.coli in Seaside. it's because they don't put anchovies in the Caesar-salad kit.

Liza: you know what you have to do to win my heart and see the inside of my duplex.

me: you can't do this to me, old woman!!! this is me we're talking about.

Liza: you gotta join my pickleball club. now we meet four times a week at the local YMCA. you should see how SOAKED my headband gets after a session. 

me: i'm envisioning you in the cutest little lilac trunks.

Paradise Lost: The Lost Bus?!!! seriously?!!!

when we get to the pickleball court, i am seriously underdressed.

Liza: why are you naked? that's supposed to be for my eyes only!!!

me: i refuse to play this sport which is just a hack tennis lawn game.

Liza: it's somehow worse because this is an indoor court. 

me: fine i'll wear this wine-colored jogging suit in honor of John Candy.

Liza: luckily i'm always early and the group hasn't shown up yet.

me: you should have group-chatted on WhatsApp.

me: have you noticed cracks in the pickleball court? symbolic.

Liza: yeah, it reminds me that Safeway is located in the ghetto of Carmel.

me: you said it, sister. i took a diversion on my usual walk path and sauntered up the north road by the gas station, that area is a HAZARD!!! 

Liza: that sidewalk hasn't been fixed and paved-over in 13 years, it's still just a collection of CRAGGY rocks.

me: i stubbed my toe something FIERCE, it's STILL black-and-blue from three weeks ago!!!

Liza: the body heals, it's remarkable like that. especially MY body. i know about you young ones, you're all spacey, you can't afford to be spacey, when you're crossing the street on a busy highway, your EYES better be on the flashing light!!!

a woman with big tits: she wears a black bra.

Stephanie Thurm: it's the 10th anniversary of me being Stephanie Thurm. 

Lee Solomon from KION: are you fucking kidding me? i came back and made my big return for THIS?...

rain: makes drivers of cars suddenly not able to drive a car anymore...

Dorrie Joiner: raise a joint to my memory, life ain't fair...

America Says: foundry, now THAT's a guess...

commercials: it'll be better for you in the long run if your actress is also Spanish-looking...

Kylie Minogue: i REALLY need another hit...

Cilic: i would lose, but i've never been manhandled before.........until Sinner...

Rachel Bilson: ...

Cilic in China: probably not the smartest idea to pull an all-nighter the night before the match. i didn't get ANY sleep, bruh. Beijing be wildin'.

Timber Titans on The Weather Channel: the show is one hour of trees...

ancestors: we talked to real people...

Belva Davis: i'll be honest, my favorite interview in all of my career is still Naked Guy from Berkeley.

Belva Davis: yes i am aware that my name sounds like a digestive breakfast biscuit.

McDonald's: why do we serve those long paper-thin rectangular napkins?...

Toto "Africa": when you just want to kind of get into music generally...

Jen Hatmaker: 1 drunken text is more powerful than 26 years of marriage. I Can't Quit You is not a gay thing, it's for all of us. i started listening to "Strange Love" by Depeche Mode and realized people need to live, you know? one listen of "Personal Jesus" and i left the church and became an atheist.

i call Jen from Liza's phone in Liza's duplex while Liza is taking a shower with bath bombs.

me: sorry about hanging out with another woman this week.

Jen R: no worries, i get it. variety is the spice of life. i am many things to you but i can never be a blonde.

me: why did i have such a special fondness for Don's Plum?

Jen: because it was the real Regal Beagle.

Jen R: this is a very special plot of land for you, right?

me: yes. this Safeway was built on the grounds where the old Safeway used to be. to the left of the OLD Safeway used to be this beautiful tiny indie movie theatre that would only play the most obscure stuff. i saw Being John Malkovich there!!!

Jen: well turn around and take a look because that moviehouse is BACK, baby!!! one afternoon-matinee only. 

me: omg am i dreaming this?

Jen R: oh no, this is very real.

we watch the Da Vinci's Inquest movie The Quality of Life.

me: i can't believe i'm watching THIS in an empty theatre with you and my arm is around you. do you know how HARD it is to see this movie? impossible. it's not even available in Canada. there's not one internet page, one television station, one secret broadcast antenna, one Putlocker, one DVD, one VHS, one LaserDisc from a man in an Amazon trenchcoat in a Toronto alley.

Jen: i don't want this experience to be TOO nostalgic for you, after all you really want to leave Carmel and come to Baltimore, right?

me: can i hug your butt like the old days?

Jen: you know this really should have been called The Quality of Mercy.

DONUT DATE: MILKETTE IN THE DUPLEX

 

Liza: you know those individual servings of coffee cream you get in that tiny cute fluted cup at IHOP and Denny's?

me: milkette.

Liza: oh so you're smart?

me: no but i went to college.

Liza: i bet you didn't notice this: you know when you get a large bottle of CoffeeMate that's original flavor? that stuff is what's in the milkettes!!!

me: oh yeah. milkettes are at cheap motels, too...

me: why is it that when it rains Safeway never has sugar donuts?

Liza: yeah. and the four-pack of Progresso chicken noodle soup is always PERFECTLY BEHIND the Progresso stand-up cardboard display!!!

Jessie Cave: but i can still do the Clan of the Cave Bear remake, right?...

Awakenings.

Robin Williams: Bob, you were LITERALLY chasing skirt there.

Robert De Niro: weren't you a woman for a time?

Leonard: why did the Earthlings allow pollution to poison their planet?

Robin: that is a VERY good question.

periodic table: radiocarbon dates are not the same as dates.

asshole doctor: yes there are 7 cheques, but they're Wells Fargo cheques so they're no good.

Robin: this may be unscientific and more poetic, but i think if my patients are able to fuck, they will be cured. love really does help things along.

Leonard: i'm back. and i'm taking names.

it's a fucking miracle: why this movie is R.

John Heard: remember that Tales from the Darkside episode we did?

Penelope Ann Miller: inside joke...

paisley dress?...

Robin: it's just, i have a special connection with the Natural History Museum...

Julie Kavner: look, let's take a chance and take them to the first-ever '70s strip club.

cocaine: not legalized in America? only in the hospitals?

De Niro: look, i'd really like to fuck you, but i just, i can't be with a girl who puts ketchup on her eggs.

Chad Reynolds: not funny.

Vin Diesel: i lose a watch because i'm a gin-rummy addict? maybe i should leave Hollywood NOW while i still can...

God: love is when a human gets a taste of how it feels to be God, it drives them crazy...

unconscious hostility: you know why you're mad...

De Niro: i am so gonna punch out this rent-a-cop.

De Niro: okay, one time only, just putting it out there: who's the better actor? me or Jack Nicholson.

dad: remember when men would hook their wallet to their front shirtpocket?

Robin Williams: whoa, i looked exactly like Noah Wyle just then.

Lucy: i know it's not 1924, but i need it to be. where is Wilford Brimley when you need him?

Leonard: they talkin' to me?

Robin: let's not start that again, Leonard.

Leonard: oh come on, doc, that camera is RIDICULOUS.

Penelope: i went dancing...

De Niro: you makin' fun of me? i can't control my tics you know.

Penelope: you were already dancing with me...

walking to coffee.

Robin Williams: you know, i've always wanted to fuck Marge Simpson.

Julie Kavner: way to ruin the moment.

at the Pink Dolphin Inn, i'm nervous.

me: Liza, are you nervous?

Liza: do i call you Pat?

me: Patrick, i hate Pat. i've always hated the name Pat.

Liza: it's too pat. 

the two of us are naked in a cheap bed with broken magic fingers.

Jen R in the room adjacent: yeah you can't cuddle in a king-size bed. get a twin bed for optimal cuddling.

i am STRUGGLING. i'm sweating and not in the good way. i'm trying to cum in Liza's mouth but it's taking a long time, it's become a journey of fits and starts. the poor woman is just in the bed waiting there with her mouth open for an hour.

Sixpence None The Richer "There She Goes": the official song of Gilmore Girls...

Jack Tripper: a telephone answering-machine is just like an Atari!!!

3PM: you're tired, hungry, and horny.

being single: spinning your wheels and wasting time...

playing hard-to-get: doesn't work on Instagram...

oven: we're ready to see your butt.

the '70s: all the 40-year-old men have muttonchops...

Jack Tripper: i got Terri and Janet oven mitts with my face on them...

date: the most beautiful word in the English language...

we're still naked in the bed, Smashing Pumpkins "Home" comes out of the system that was once the magic fingers.

me: the talking after, this is my favorite part.

Liza: you know the Irish Spring trick? got a mouse problem in your duplex? they hate the smell of Irish Spring, works for all mice. your duplex will be cleared-out in no time. i tell you this story to say i want you in my duplex. nudging you along. i eventually want to move out of this cheap motel and into my duplex.

me: it won't work with my mouse, Jerry Brown Mouse, he's already made himself at home in my attic. and he's an Irish mouse.

soon we don't notice we're two naked bodies because we're two talking bodies.

Liza: try this. cook ONE crepe for your mom, not TWO. old ladies don't eat as much, they eat small meals, pick at their portions, and skip lunch altogether.

me: that is a game changer!!! 

Liza: think about all the crepes you wasted...

DONUT DATE: LEEZA, NOT LIZA

 

Fall is for donuts. i don't know when it started, but i started to go to Safeway every morning for a sugar donut. it was the natural progression from my early-morning walks, you know? it'd be 8AM when i was done, it was too early for breakfast. what i most love about Safeway at 8:30AM is the BLISSFUL QUIET.

me: there is nothing better on Earth than walking to Safeway in the morning for a sugar donut on the first day of Autumn.

Liza agreed. she was a short older-pixie woman with stringy dirty-blonde hair under a cap. she was the only Safeway employee who wore the official Safeway hat, it was so cute.

Liza: i'm still new here. you see how i'm talking to you now here at the conveyor belt? i can only do this in the morning. the mornings fill me with magic dust. it's quiet enough to hear another's thoughts.

that smile got me!!!

Liza: you look like my son.

me: that's it, you got me. why is it that i can only talk to mature women now?

Liza: because you're old!!! seasoned means never having to say you're sorry. 

me: your nametag says LIZA but people call you Leeza.

Liza: yeah, it's Leeza as in Gibbons, not Liza Minnelli.

me: can i still call you Liza? the cool way. Liza as in Minelli is just right, you know?

Liza: Leeza sounds like a skank. is that all you're getting?

Chris Cornell: like a scone. my mom was Miss Manners, i had to rebel. i'm like actually a viscount or something.

Awakenings.

Penny Marshall: can i be serious?...

Robert De Niro: SCARY how much that boy looks like me...

Jen R: hey, a teacher can't look at a student's private journal!!!

Robin Williams: i can't do Patch Adams again, once was enough.

Julie Kavner: i'm the exact opposite of Nurse Ratched.

Oliver Sacks: i really do look like Robin Williams!!!

Robin: in this nuthouse of catatonics, i'm thinking the cigarette machines empty out REAL quick. that was a joke.

chronic hospital: Dr. Dre turns his head, then bobs his head.

Earthworm Jim: i have a restaurant called The Forge.........no wonder Leslie Sbrocco's never eaten there...

psych-ward TV: does it always have to be cartoons?

Buttercup: i'm the dog who lives in Baltimore but who guards THIS house in The Bronx...

baseball: everyone remembers the toss-the-baseball scene.

Waheedah: i'm screaming cuz Robin Williams gonna get The Oscar for something in the future, right?

Lucy: never eat peanut butter at a botanical gardens, doctor.

Jell-O: the ONLY thing it does is grow nails.

Awakenings: we predicted 9/11...

Robert De Niro: after 9/11 i just gave up...

Jen R: i know the feeling.

black janitor: come on, man, i'm not magic.

Max von Sydow: strangely familiar Ingmar Bergman porch...

Robin Williams: BUT I JUST THOUGHT IT, MAN!!!

stickball: it just isn't the same.

Lucy: i was a Formula 1 racer in Sherman Oaks.

De Niro: get that motherfucking light outta my face. 

nurses: we became nurses to watch soaps.

De Niro: i'm not a loser, you mook.

Robin: there's never a napkin around when you need to write down something important.

Rilke: my favorite He-Man was the black panther.

John Heard: i can call them Parkies because as a doctor I AM GOD.

Robert De Niro smiling that De Niro smile: i like Donald Duck Orange Juice, man. let me at those giant ice-cream machines i see everywhere at this hospital...

Leonard in front of the mirror: you talkin' to me?

Robin: good but scary.

Leonard turning the car-radio knobs: what music is this?

Robin: that's trap music, change the dial.

will of the ball: Willie Mays.

Fridays: people eventually go crazy on Fridays.

Melissa Maker: the day i announced my divorce i got birdshit on my car.

me: and there's birdshit on my mailbox, that's gotta be a sign.

Alanis Morissette: birdshit at a wedding is good luck. 

Jack Tripper: sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't.........i'm talking about that Englishman ventriloquist with the dummy...

Tulsa King: i'm sorry but nothing interesting happens in Oklahoma.

Santa Claus: didn't get what you wanted for Christmas? maybe next time play mahjong with me.

Louise Lasser: all my characters are Louise Lasser playing Louise Lasser.

Hollywood: where would we be if everybody settled and nobody followed their dreams?!!!...

Mrs. Talbot: I did the Tron: Ares soundtrack!!! 

NoizeBoy: with me, Jillian Clare's boyfriend...

Mrs. Talbot: oh sure, when i taught you organ in the '80s, it's wasn't cool. everybody else was doing piano lessons at their posh neighbor's. but then i taught you '80s SWARMATRON...

Isabel Klee: no you can't adopt me...

West Ham: we aren't about winning but we are about education.

Liam Payne: i'm the new judge on The Voice this fall on NBC.

Spalding Gray: i've bought my tower of sunscreen lotion on this the first week of October...

Gilroy: Hell.

Morrissey: wait i'm a ventriloquist now?...

Buffalo wings: tastes like chicken.

Jack and Mr. Furley are trapped in a meat locker.

Jack Tripper: think warm thoughts.

Mr. Furley: the Miami Vice intro!!! 

Jack: this is our trapped-in-the-refrigerator episode...

mattress: you have to be able to do a yoga pose on a mattress or the mattress is no good.

New York Giants: Russell Wilson, pack of gum, just kidding.

the Gendarmerie from Dragon Ball Daima: Minnesota Vikings/Monty Python fans in American Gladiators bodysuits.

Gomah: it's getting Sleeping Beauty up in here!!!

rave: imagine if your prom lasted a week...

Liza: ONE DONUT?!!! you have one donut in a brown bag, each morning the same, it's incredible, how do you exhibit such bodily restraint and control?

me: never thought about it, i'm skinny i guess.

one afternoon i had to see Liza in the afternoon. boy was that a different energy. long rowdy NOISE-FILLED lines all over, the din was its own animal.

Liza shouting: what are you doing here now?!!!

me: emergency. my soup-pot shut. it was the wildest thing, i let it cook the soup for just five minutes too long and now i can't remove the lid!!! 

Liza: imagine, no one will EVER eat that soup. we have soup pots that are kinda like Dutch ovens, get the lid with the hole in it!!! 

the next morning all was forgiven and forgotten.

me: are your eardrums shattered?

Liza: earplugs. now we can talk. it's not a conversation unless it's one-on-one. do you know any good cheap motels around here?