THE UNIVERSE'S DIRTY MIRROR: THIS JUST CAN'T BE HOW IT WORKS

 

Jen and i are at the end of the universe.

Jen R: spacey.

me: there's a surprising amount of stuff here.

Jen: yeah but the only thing you need to worry about is that Mirror over there.

over there is a giant Mirror.

Jen: wait let me get my mermaid tail on to explain this. 

me: that mirror could use a good dusting.

Jen: exactly. so apparently this is how the universe works: it merely reflects anything you believe. so if you think your life sucks, you send out vibes that your life sucks and, well, your life DOES suck because the universe will always agree with you.

me: this just cannot be how everything works. it would be too cruel. i know God is a jokester but come on.

Jen: right? shouldn't the Mirror of the universe HELP you when you need help? you know, like if your life sucks the mirror helps to make your life better independent of how you feel about things?...

Fuerza: an external force? *strokes chin* i'll think about it. my chin is NOT hairy.

Vanity Fair: has anyone ever really nailed the second act of life?...

Zorba the Greek.

Nikos Kazantzakis: this is my slice-of-life. if you want a deep masterpiece, read the Jesus cum book.

Anthony Quinn: this was the role i was BORN to play. throughout the entire production of this film i was on Greek cocaine.

Jen R: don't worship Zorba, he "had to" rape women to save Greece. he's one of those squishy anti-heroes you don't really know what to do with.

Jean Harlow: don't tell me the femicide is on a lobby card!!!

Eleni: the quintessential Greek name.

Zorba: zest for life. my new Greek salad dressing is called Zorba Zest.

the vicissitudes: you know, that Greek cucumber sauce.

sirtaki: you know, that dance Mr. Angelino taught Jack Tripper with the OPA! broken dishes.

Zorba: take me with you, my life sucks. think of me as a fat Cantinflas. i am Mexican after all...

George Costanza: first time i've heard the sea referred to as bitch.

Alan Bates: i'm a writer but i'm no pansy. i love my mother...

Greek waiters: we weren't doing the dance!!! those broken dishes are a TRAGEDY.

Basil: Zorba gets seasick? that's not very manly.

Jen: remember when villagers would swarm an out-of-town car?...

Zorba: when you dance with Madame Hortense, make sure that BIG BUTT of hers shakes, that's her moneymaker. like a poker bracelet.

Crete: where the children grow on trees.

Zorba: spray the children with water like they're cats.

Crete: they're cretins.

the French, the Italian, the Russian: Burger King chicken sandwiches in the '80s.

Madame Hortense: i'm a fat Lucille Ball. turns out the four admirals were only seamen when the water was champagne.

goat with telescope: here comes Enigma to do the "Return to Innocence" music video!!!

Irene Pappas: remember that Ingmar Bergman-like film i did where i was this aging doyenne who stuffs her face with cake at the end of a longtable? get Pia Lindstrom out here, she'll tell you...

Zorba: grab the woman by the hair metaphorically with your writing skills.

grapefruit boy: Widow, please place a ladder to your window. or i'll have to go Spider-Man on this stucco wall.

Zorba: to be alive is to undo your belt and get arrested for public intoxication.

Crete: the surrounding sea is one big plop of root-beer-float fizz.

Zorba: i left my wife and kids to be a miner.

monks: we're not too smart. we kinda just let God take care of everything, you know?

Alexander the Great: all in the front. because when a woman stabs you in the back, you can't come back from that.

Ed from the band Live: that's some feral shit. men dancing with men in circles. reminds me of our "Operation Spirit" music video...

Basil: STOP DANCING!!! it's not good for you.

Zorba, crying: don't stop the dance, Boss. be my Kevin Bacon. i didn't dance on the grave of my boy, i was merely being a fan of Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

Zorba: do you know how old i am? 16. my life has been HELL. they say age kills a man's fire. i say man never invented fire in the first place. plus i got that Frank Thomas Nugenix testosterone-boost powder hidden in the mine.

Zorba: see pirate map i draw of you? X marks the spot on the mermaid breast.

Madame Hortense: Suleiman invented Islam for me.

Anthony Quinn: that darn cat.........didn't i do that Disney movie?

Basil: what are the chances only me and the Widow would be walking along the same abandoned dirt road at the same time?...

Zorba: huh, this island village suddenly has 5 Starbucks pop up.

Patti Deutsch: hello, i'm the 90-year-old flower girl.

Jerry Lewis: i'll write the letter but i don't wanna watch you two fuck!!!

voile: voila.

Zorba: when life gets you down.........DANCE!!!

Jen R: i see a dog in the Mirror.

me: it's a dalmatian. but it's not a dalmation, it's dad!!!

Jen: now we're getting somewhere.

me: yeah see i had the dream again last night. the one where a dalmatian storms into my house. but it's all symbolic, because it's really dad paying me a long-awaited visit.

Jen: your dad's childhood dog was a dalmatian, nice.

strategy associate: Survivor strategy...

life: it's about constantly and continuously going out there and getting phone numbers...

Xoxo: i protect you from the underworld. that is, i protect you from my home in the underworld...

sewer socialism: when you really need a Pepsi Milk...

Liza: are you giving me the slip?

me: yes, this Safeway slip that gives me $2 off Pepsi.

Ricky Hatton: my song? Moby "Natural Blues." don't nobody know my trouble with God...

Hallmark Channel: Fall in love...

Europe in the Ryder Cup: withstanding withering boos and booze.

Prince of Persia: after playing this 1989 computer game, you became the pull-up champion of your 3rd Grade P.E. class.

P.E. class: Pee class, remember at St. Cyril's?...

Lucky grocery store: we're not fans of King of the Hill...

Monica Pro: not even the OLD show.

Larry King: i'm not dead. chicken a la KIng was named after me.

soccer goalie: it is HUMILIATING to see the ball in the back of the net like that...

Jon Champion: football is boring but whatever. sport is beneath me. i should be at Oxford right now studying the many wives of Tolkien.

Jeff Probst: thank you for marrying me, second wife. but i'm pretty old now, no kids. i mean if we want rugrats running around the island we better start looking into village schools now.

Jen R: the Mirror is giving me peppermint wallpaper.

me: that's the Regal Beagle.

Jen: oh yeah. you know Three's Company had its SERIOUS moments. i mean nobody ever got cancer or anything but...

me: the Regal Beagle waitress outfits tho.

Jen: i got it!!! they're the black-and-white It's a Living waitress outfits!!! it's all connected, it's all one. Mr. Roper's clothes are as drab and dull and brown as '70s wallpaper. i know the only way you'll drive.

me: how?

Jen: if it's in Mr. Roper's jalopy of a '70s car!!!