DONUT DATE: LEEZA, NOT LIZA

 

Fall is for donuts. i don't know when it started, but i started to go to Safeway every morning for a sugar donut. it was the natural progression from my early-morning walks, you know? it'd be 8AM when i was done, it was too early for breakfast. what i most love about Safeway at 8:30AM is the BLISSFUL QUIET.

me: there is nothing better on Earth than walking to Safeway in the morning for a sugar donut on the first day of Autumn.

Liza agreed. she was a short older-pixie woman with stringy dirty-blonde hair under a cap. she was the only Safeway employee who wore the official Safeway hat, it was so cute.

Liza: i'm still new here. you see how i'm talking to you now here at the conveyor belt? i can only do this in the morning. the mornings fill me with magic dust. it's quiet enough to hear another's thoughts.

that smile got me!!!

Liza: you look like my son.

me: that's it, you got me. why is it that i can only talk to mature women now?

Liza: because you're old!!! seasoned means never having to say you're sorry. 

me: your nametag says LIZA but people call you Leeza.

Liza: yeah, it's Leeza as in Gibbons, not Liza Minnelli.

me: can i still call you Liza? the cool way. Liza as in Minelli is just right, you know?

Liza: Leeza sounds like a skank. is that all you're getting?

Chris Cornell: like a scone. my mom was Miss Manners, i had to rebel. i'm like actually a viscount or something.

Awakenings.

Penny Marshall: can i be serious?...

Robert De Niro: SCARY how much that boy looks like me...

Jen R: hey, a teacher can't look at a student's private journal!!!

Robin Williams: i can't do Patch Adams again, once was enough.

Julie Kavner: i'm the exact opposite of Nurse Ratched.

Oliver Sacks: i really do look like Robin Williams!!!

Robin: in this nuthouse of catatonics, i'm thinking the cigarette machines empty out REAL quick. that was a joke.

chronic hospital: Dr. Dre turns his head, then bobs his head.

Earthworm Jim: i have a restaurant called The Forge.........no wonder Leslie Sbrocco's never eaten there...

psych-ward TV: does it always have to be cartoons?

Buttercup: i'm the dog who lives in Baltimore but who guards THIS house in The Bronx...

baseball: everyone remembers the toss-the-baseball scene.

Waheedah: i'm screaming cuz Robin Williams gonna get The Oscar for something in the future, right?

Lucy: never eat peanut butter at a botanical gardens, doctor.

Jell-O: the ONLY thing it does is grow nails.

Awakenings: we predicted 9/11...

Robert De Niro: after 9/11 i just gave up...

Jen R: i know the feeling.

black janitor: come on, man, i'm not magic.

Max von Sydow: strangely familiar Ingmar Bergman porch...

Robin Williams: BUT I JUST THOUGHT IT, MAN!!!

stickball: it just isn't the same.

Lucy: i was a Formula 1 racer in Sherman Oaks.

De Niro: get that motherfucking light outta my face. 

nurses: we became nurses to watch soaps.

De Niro: i'm not a loser, you mook.

Robin: there's never a napkin around when you need to write down something important.

Rilke: my favorite He-Man was the black panther.

John Heard: i can call them Parkies because as a doctor I AM GOD.

Robert De Niro smiling that De Niro smile: i like Donald Duck Orange Juice, man. let me at those giant ice-cream machines i see everywhere at this hospital...

Leonard in front of the mirror: you talkin' to me?

Robin: good but scary.

Leonard turning the car-radio knobs: what music is this?

Robin: that's trap music, change the dial.

will of the ball: Willie Mays.

Fridays: people eventually go crazy on Fridays.

Melissa Maker: the day i announced my divorce i got birdshit on my car.

me: and there's birdshit on my mailbox, that's gotta be a sign.

Alanis Morissette: birdshit at a wedding is good luck. 

Jack Tripper: sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't.........i'm talking about that Englishman ventriloquist with the dummy...

Tulsa King: i'm sorry but nothing interesting happens in Oklahoma.

Santa Claus: didn't get what you wanted for Christmas? maybe next time play mahjong with me.

Louise Lasser: all my characters are Louise Lasser playing Louise Lasser.

Hollywood: where would we be if everybody settled and nobody followed their dreams?!!!...

Mrs. Talbot: I did the Tron: Ares soundtrack!!! 

NoizeBoy: with me, Jillian Clare's boyfriend...

Mrs. Talbot: oh sure, when i taught you organ in the '80s, it's wasn't cool. everybody else was doing piano lessons at their posh neighbor's. but then i taught you '80s SWARMATRON...

Isabel Klee: no you can't adopt me...

West Ham: we aren't about winning but we are about education.

Liam Payne: i'm the new judge on The Voice this fall on NBC.

Spalding Gray: i've bought my tower of sunscreen lotion on this the first week of October...

Gilroy: Hell.

Morrissey: wait i'm a ventriloquist now?...

Buffalo wings: tastes like chicken.

Jack and Mr. Furley are trapped in a meat locker.

Jack Tripper: think warm thoughts.

Mr. Furley: the Miami Vice intro!!! 

Jack: this is our trapped-in-the-refrigerator episode...

mattress: you have to be able to do a yoga pose on a mattress or the mattress is no good.

New York Giants: Russell Wilson, pack of gum, just kidding.

the Gendarmerie from Dragon Ball Daima: Minnesota Vikings/Monty Python fans in American Gladiators bodysuits.

Gomah: it's getting Sleeping Beauty up in here!!!

rave: imagine if your prom lasted a week...

Liza: ONE DONUT?!!! you have one donut in a brown bag, each morning the same, it's incredible, how do you exhibit such bodily restraint and control?

me: never thought about it, i'm skinny i guess.

one afternoon i had to see Liza in the afternoon. boy was that a different energy. long rowdy NOISE-FILLED lines all over, the din was its own animal.

Liza shouting: what are you doing here now?!!!

me: emergency. my soup-pot shut. it was the wildest thing, i let it cook the soup for just five minutes too long and now i can't remove the lid!!! 

Liza: imagine, no one will EVER eat that soup. we have soup pots that are kinda like Dutch ovens, get the lid with the hole in it!!! 

the next morning all was forgiven and forgotten.

me: are your eardrums shattered?

Liza: earplugs. now we can talk. it's not a conversation unless it's one-on-one. do you know any good cheap motels around here?