Melissa Maker: I'M GONNA BE SINGLE FOR ONE WEEK!!!...
me: i can't live life in the fast lane like that.
Queensryche: ...
Melissa Maker: hurry. before i get scooped up by Raine Maida. or i reconcile with Chad.
me: you think i'm a joke but think about it. think about it. i'm the person not named Chad whom you know the longest.
Melissa: on Instagram...
me: weren't you starving for cock?
Melissa: i'm cockstarved for liking Keanu Reeves?
me: the Adam Driver chocolate cock.
Melissa: that was an SNL sketch i wanted my many followers to watch. Marilyn Manson surgically removed two of his ribs so he could suck his own cock.
me: in the '80s it was the same rumor but Prince.
Melissa: shall we talk about the two gerbils in Richard Gere's ass next?
me: what's more Canadian, All Dressed or an Everything Bagel?
Melissa: that's an impossible question to ponder by a pond of ice.
eunuch: it takes enochs...
Sailor Moon: Naru/Umino is the greatest couple in all of literature.
Naru: i got a wedgie.
Umino: yeah we're both wearing wrestling unitards...
Ecstasy (1933).
Emil: my labored breathing is like a train's steam. got any rave drugs?
Adam: may i take you to a hotel?
Emil: no, hotels are where suicides happen.
Hays: all '30s films MUST have a suicide, it's the most DRAMATIC ending, you know?
Weiland: the "Vasoline" music video.
Emil: yeah i wish i was never in this movie. Adam looks like David Bowie, i can't compete with that.
Janet Wood: that's not a flower, that's flypaper.
Chopin: what's the best music to make love to? answer: violin.
Emil: suicide note: sorry, mom. wait, my mom's dead. this place sucks. it's all two-glass champagne fountains and xylophones.
Layne Staley: the Jar of Flies flypaper...
Eva: my purse is a spider.
Jen R: i like the gauzy ending. they kinda had a kid but you don't really know if they stayed together...
Swee'Pea: i'm the only baby who should have a hammer in his hand building houses.
Hedy Lamarr with glass skin: tell him.........tell him, tell him we used the Ingmar Bergman ending...
Ingmar Bergman: that's the Peter Pan ending.
shirtless Depeche Mode working on the railroad all the live-long day...
Red Dwarf.
Greykid: are they making fun of cats? because that James Brown cat is cool...
Cat: the Red Dwarf theme song is "Dream a Little Dream of Me..."
Kochanski: the sycamore-tree song.
Kenan Thompson: so i got GERD from eating too many Good Burgers.
One-Eyed Willy: that was the Goonie children's honest fear captured on film.
Sean Astin: yeah, because One-Eyed Willy was my real deadbeat dad.
Jen R: 2 is a more lucky number than 3. 2 is marriage. 3 is when you add another person in the bedroom, that never works out...
me: the marital bed is different from other beds.
Ovi: now THAT's a penguin slide.
Wayne Gretzky: i mean it was more like a bellyflop on the ice...
Candace from Phineas and Ferb: no, simp is Squirrels In My Pants.
Jackie Fitzgerald: you know all those FedEx packages getting delivered to my gated door? yeah they're sex toys.
Blond Rambo: you smell funny.
Jackie: it's called perfume, numbnuts.
Blond Rambo: it's weird because i look like i could be your son...
Kurt Cobain on a cot: imagine dying in a war at age 17...
popcorn ceiling: St. Cyril's in Encino...
David Byrne: Talking Heads was a funk band...
Strawberry Shortcake from the '80s: strawberry shortcake is a strawberry hamburger...
Dirg: there is nothing worse than a woman living her best life on Instagram...
Violetta Laze: i'm a smaller more-manageable Maiara Walsh...
Whitney Houston: the greatest love of all, is happening to me, i found the greatest love of all when i dated.
Chris Noth: subtle, Peloton, subtle. that photo peeking out of the gym bag, people exercise only to get over the ex who dumped them.
Alec Baldwin: remember when i was on the cusp of running for President of the United States? there was gonna be a big announcement in the lobby of the Hollywood Hilton. all the big Californian political heavyweights were there, councilpeople, not just the mayor, along with producers and sundry film-industry bigwigs. and my childhood friend from school Lucio all grown up looking weird with his beard. 4 PM and all the hushed tones, whispers, and murmurs. 19th-Century Fox. *heavy sigh* my life has really gone downhill since then...
therapist reacting to "Nutshell" by Alice In Chains: why can't my boyfriend be this open?
Chad Reynolds: it's Chad.
me: oh. um. i'm not having an affair with Melissa.
Chad: but you want to, right?
me: yes.
Chad: aren't you the clown who posted that stupid video of you in the shower on Instagram?
me: that was my very FIRST Instagram video, i had no fucking idea what i was doing with myself or my life.
me: it's weird because we used to be friends.
Chad: i mean we were cordial on Instagram.
me: won't it be nice to know the stepfather is a cool guy?
Chad: this changes nothing. i was born to be a dad, that's all that matters. i'm making my dead dad proud.
me: what's with women these days? they all take SEVEN YEARS to make a decision. meanwhile i present the affect of someone who needs to say to anyone i'm speaking with EVERYTHING NOW, because TODAY is my last day on Earth.
Quentin Tarantino: you talk the way i talk, like i have 17 different things i'm thinking about at the same time in my brain and my mouth can't speed up fast enough to catch all 17.
Chad: hell what do i know? i'm divorced.
me: how do i seduce your wife?
Chad: you gotta get her attention. you know i never advise this to my male Canadian friends but i think it's time to use the nuclear option. it's the only way.
me: i can't. i simply don't have the willpower.
Chad: you gotta take a deep breath. suck out all your pride. and ask Melissa Maker out on a date in the comments...
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