WOOLGATHER: DAD DREAM/WRANGLING A WRAITH

 

me: i'm searching for my father.

but there's no answer. i'm locked inside a strange room. luckily my gurubhai cracks the uncertainty.

gurubhai: i'm not here to deliver you GrubHub. 

me: forget the Chipotle, DoorDash, just deliver me to the hospital...

gurubhai: well you did say you always wanted a private library. kinda lonely, huh?

me: books aren't people. am i locked in here?

gurubhai: you're locked inside yourself.

me: but where's my dad? i haven't sensed his presence in a long time.

gurubhai: when you get to Heaven you have things to do. he went on a spiritual quest for a few months to better himself. 

me: what's the point of a spiritual quest in Heaven? 

gurubhai: NEVER stop learning...

dad: hey.

me: omg i missed you terribly!!! where the fuck have you been?

dad: out. it was nothing, my password just went kaput.

me: thanks for bringing Lindy Lenz back to me after nine years.

dad: like two fledglings...

me: you gotta HELP me!!! i need HELP!!!

Beatles: ...

dad: help hurts.

me: you gotta be my guide through life 24/7.

dad: nah, i'm busy, you gotta figure it out for yourself. 

me: i'm too old to be going on quests just to find people anymore.

dad: but that's what life is. you're older than i was when i died.

me: what is this place?

dad: the place i was most comfortable. or perhaps the place YOU'RE most comfortable.

Jen R: did you see me in your dream last night?

me: i'm only starting to remember that now, that is not fair.

Jen R: what's Baltimore time?...

Pendrith: i'm the golfer in Arthur's Roundtable...

Time Bandits.

ginger kid: i'm not a future psychopath, i just like history...

Patrick Stewart: one of the dwarfs is me...

boy: mummy, dwarfs told me about sex.

dwarfs: it's a Giant Jim Carrey Head!!!

Jules Smith: there are always GEESE in every British film...

Pirates of the Caribbean dark ride: we're dark, but at least we don't have a firing squad.

Napoleon: excusez-moi, i'm trying to save French history here, the French history of this puppet show so it can appear on French In Action...

Shelley Duvall orgiastically about to kiss: you came for me.

me: i sure did. and it's a mess in here now.

Jen R: me too. and i didn't need no fruit.

John Cleese: nice horde. so that Mona Lisa is worthless, it was painted yesterday...

Horseflesh would have been played by Danny DeVito...

Evil: i have an understanding of Casio calculator watches and Betamax cassette tapes which are weird halfs.

Sean Connery: i am Zardoz. i just killed this man wearing a costume Minotaur head.

Kevin: this is cool!!! i'll use it to scour my dishes!!!

Sean Connery: that's my Roman helmet. and men never do dishes.

Michael Palin: how do you women play tennis in those long skirts? don't you trip on the court?

Musetti: if you don't want to root for Djokovic...

CNN: we're cool, we let our reporters have tattoos...

Suzy Lu: tirteen is not an unlucky number nor a filthy movie...

Andrew Dismukes: put up your dukes.

Dirg: how many separate comments can i type on one post of a woman's Instagram before it becomes creepy?

Mardith: 3...

Erling Haaland: soccer is the wrong sport for me, i should have been an '80s WWF wrestler. if i have to play soccer, i should be the goalkeeper...

Jon Hamm: herpes, not heroes...

Dirg: i solved women. go to her Instagram, wait till there's a pic of her and her friends at a table, then ask to join her brunch circle... 

Full Moon shining brightly this morning... 

Elizabeth Thacker: why should i give up my house? get outta here, sonny, unless you like me chasing you with my Thacker weedwacker.

Jim Nantz: ma'am, please...

Elizabeth Thacker: my front lawn is LITERALLY the green of the 11th Hole of The Masters!!!

Diego Luna: do you know why Andor is so good? it has nothing to do with Star Wars, it is Y Tu Mama Tambien 2 in which the cancer lady is healed by Yoda and becomes Female Palpatine...

Rory McIlroy: it's a Holywood ending...

Shake N Vac: NOT Shake N Bake...

spoiler: don't soil with spoil...

explorer fedora: not just for Indiana Jones...

Harrison Ford: Diego from Dora is my son with Bonnie from Bonnie and Clyde...

dad: YOU need to be donning that explorer fedora and adventuring more.

me: can't i just wear the monk hair and go choiring?

Tony Hawk: i've had a charmed life. it's like that song "Semi-Charmed Life," which is the type of song i'd write if i was in a band.

Kurt Cobain: yeah you're more Third Eye Blind-speed.

Jesus: why is Tax Day on Holy Week? The Cleansing of the Temple, remember?!!! duh. man people are dumb.

Joan Mitchell: i'm Sylvia Plath as a painter...

the library is the library now but the roof is made of mist. the smell of clouds permeates the space.

dad: there is no smell of money here. cloudbank. 

me: it's just, i never got the memo. i look around at the world, the rest of the world, everyone got the memo on how to live life. yes everybody is on their phones but everybody has their second family.

dad: that's not the world's fault. instead of watching another episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation, you should have been out on dates in high school!!!

The Smiths song "The Bond" lilts in the background.

me: did you happen again? or was it all a cruel dream?

Lindy Lenz: i finally have a roof over my head...

me: i'll memorize your password.

Lindy: Islands restaurant, Del Monte Center, Monterey. Monterey, not monetary. i remember what you said. the lawn. by the duck pond, right?

me: i'm hoping it eventually is a fuck pond.

Lindy: with that tense atmosphere of underwater noir. where the Thousand Island dressing is always fresh and ocean breezy. Islands is an eternal reservation...