ISOLATION HOTLINE: HEALER

 

Olach: let's go to Subway.

me: really?

Olach: they let me in there because they don't see me, that wood countertop attached to the front sidewall is so skinny they don't know i'm there on it as they're passing along to each sandwich ingredient to the left... 

the first people we see at Subway are of course Less and Deen.

Less: got an itch you've never scratched?

i nod my head weakly.

Less: me too.

Less puts his arm around me as Deen does the talking.

Deen: nextdoor. see over there? the gas station.

with bated heart and no breath, i sigh because i know what i must do.

me: i've never eaten gas-station pizza.

Less punches me right on the chestbone.

Less: same with me. that's real, bra. that feeling is singular to us, bra. that's heart vibes, bra.

Jules Smith: tell me your problems, deflate the pancake.

Chito Martinez: your first Baltimore Oriole...

Lindy Lenz: wanna come over? i'm naked. your mom's dementia? oh i don't do serious stuff...

me: when i picture the two of us together, the mental image in my head is of the outside front of my old Oakland apartment complex when i was a Berkeley student...

Lindy Lenz: they're more pickle chips than pickle slices...

Alexander Ovechkin: NO CAP...

PG Tips: that DARK DEEP RICH RESONANT HUE of the tea that reminds you of what tea is supposed to look like.

pink tea: ...

gross: 144.

Michael Gross: ...

Michael Gross: remember when you learned that in 4th Grade?...

Trinity the cat: i love your gum breath. i'm glad it's back.

me: yeah but my jaw is grossly misaligned again because i restarted chewing gum.

rogito: remember the Pope's key to his room? it's raining Catholic cats and Dominus dogs as he writes on a piece of yellow notepad paper in the '80s at the front desk as the two of you are at that convalescent home in Encino...

dad: how's mom?

me: if i don't put away the laundry after washing and drying it she goes crazy and plans her jailbreak from our house each night...

me: there are so many things you missed. you will ALWAYS miss.

dad: i know, Chopin's Polish Heart on PBS.

me: that would have been the PERFECT date night for the two of us!!!

dad: oh well. i'll ask around. i'll see if Chopin has cable, he's up here with me nearby not far off...

salad doesn't matter.

Mordecai: yes it does. croutons are bread cooked thrice.

Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: i'm Red Dwarf's sister show...

Camille from Red Dwarf: come ON!!! the Casablanca episode landed on Valentine's Day on the dot!!! that would have been perfect but the stupid Gulf War got in the way and messed everything up!!!

Rimmer: whenever there's a chance for romance on this show you must see to it to grab it, seize it like Horatio, run with it like a British naval officer in France...

green blob: i'm Cell in real life...

Lister: why am i seeing the same flashback to Earth? that little alley in the shade by the Taco Bell along the cobblestone main street in Monterey whenever we discuss an episode of Red Dwarf...

me: it's weird but i've never known anybody from New Jersey...

woman inside the soundproof cab of her Tesla Cybertruck in the Safeway parking lot at midnight: i'm sorry for everything. you can't escape this ugly hulking gray bulk of block, it's parked everywhere around town. i enjoy the silence of the looks all the public gives me but i regret being me. i'm having buyer's remorse...

Lauren Sanchez's mother: you dated well, mami...

porn: every scene has a laundry basket in it...

Doublemint gum: since the '80s, you've been ruining your teeth on me. when there was always a Sugar-Free option...

Siouxsie and the Banshees "Happy House": it gets good right at the end there...

me: why are marathons so noisy?

Jen R: go back to Roman times when the marathons were raced NATURAL, not a news event, no 9 news trucks lined up swarming around the poor runners. o the LOUD of those humming trucks with their stupid spoon-sized satellites on the roof. 

dad: i could never run a marathon. i could never run. ever since Artemis's arrow went INSIDE my leg as it grazed my heel, when Cupid fell off his college bike at Princeton...

me: same thing happened to me at Berkeley, in those four years i had to take the bus which only went over grass...

Bob Mortimer: my wife is Xena: Warrior Princess...

Blythe: the coolest name.

Roger Goodell: look, ma, no hands!!! i'm Kermit the Frog on a country bicycle!!!

JK Rowling: the Harry Potter books should be miniaturized...

Chuck E Cheese: those books are modern yet Victorian...

Silent Bob: EVERY movie is a VHS now, that's pretty cool...

i chomp down on a bite of my first gas-station pizza.

Olach: what's it taste like?

me: pizza. LESS greasy than i thought it would be. why is the pineapple salty?

Olach: that's your tears.

me: this is just reminding me that i'll never drive a car. hence i'll never get to Baltimore. when i'm with Jen everything falls into place. like each of these perfectly-spaced pepperoni on this pizza slice.

Olach: i could have Chito Martinez look around Baltimore for you.

Chito Martinez: yeah i could find Jen for you from up here. of course it would be better if she was lost in Belize right now...

Olach: cheer up. things will get better for you in time, unlike the Earth. come on, i'll let you buy me a pack of crisps.

me: what flavor?

Olach: Late Night-flavor Doritos...