TEXTING WITH HUSBANDS: MY UNEXPECTED BEST FRIEND

 

i was pebbling Annie Adamson as always when there was this shock of blue.

Annie Adamson: this is not Annie Adamson. this is Annie Adamson's husband. Jaren.

me: oh.........hello? what's going on? what's happening here? is this a glitch? i wasn't having an affair with Annie. i'd just send her stupid pop-culture memes on Instagram DM.

Jaren: it is with a heavy heart...

me: stop right there!!! that's never a good start to a sentence. what the fuck happened?!!! the great Hessian Hellcat ends in suicide?

Jaren: we still don't know. we'll let you know.

me: she was so young and vibrant, and full of dark humor. like sick black dark humor. her posts made the devil blush. all that hardcore horror finally did her in?

Jaren: i REALLY believe in nothing now. i mean i was Annie's husband, so...

me: i'm not gonna tell you to relax.

Jaren: i'm gonna blackout to Allman Brothers with some Blackberry Dr. Pepper.

me: no man, you can't go out like that, there's your son, you have to be charitable to yourself at this time. mellow out evenly in steps, gradually ease the pain with some Sprite Chill. take it day-by-day, knowing that is a lie. all there is is today. all that exists is now.

Atticus enters the chat.

Atticus: i mean how do you think I feel?

me: bummer is not strong enough a word.

Atticus: i was thinking i'd have mom for the rest of my life. she was young, vibrant, and cynical. she'd take care of me forever. she'd be my caregiver forever. do i just go FULL GOTH now?

Jen R: yeah, there's really no hope anymore, rent the room above Amoeba Records, wear a long flowing black robe with 100 buttons down to the hem, and shades, be so cool walking down the street people won't realize you're autistic.

Megazone 23: are you into anime with genuine '80s trucks and genuine '80s punks?

Cyndi Lauper: all the boys are Cyndi Lauper punks. why does everything always have to end in outer space? the '80s were the only time you could REALLY ride your motorcycle, you know?

Megazone 23: this is the story you write when you write a story for the first time...

Ecstasy (1933).

silent movies had music...

Eva: like my Battlestar Galactica fireplace?

Eva: i took like Erin Burnett.

grandpa: those are my Old Spice pajamas!!!

Emil: let me just take out my glass eye first...

Bud Collins: that reminds me, the Kentucky Derby on NBC!!!

Julian Sands: this looks like the garden party from Boxing Helena...

Eva: dad, i want to be a horse.

Jen R: those cool old telephones that looked like whiskey bottles.

dad: keep the whiskey in the fireplace.

Ingmar Bergman: this just isn't my dialogue.

secretary: there's one more paper left in all of Czechoslovakia...

Eva: is it okay for me to be naked onscreen like this?

Hays: yeah it should be fine. this is historic, the first sex scene in cinematic history!!!

Eva: i'll just find my lost horse using GPS...

the director shakes his head.

Eva: i'll just locate my spooked horse using GPS as i'm fully-clothed...

Eva: remember, i'm running around naked across an open field for the horse, it's for a good cause.

Adam: call me Horseman. don't worry, i'm blind. in the '30s a sprained ankle meant death.

nightshade: the actual lampshade with the eerie glow at night in the study, and the poisonous evening cocktail.

Eva: nice shag carpet.

Adam: nice pearls, now FLING them off!!!

Eva: this isn't an orgasm, i'm just tired.

Janet Wood: the flowers just had sex.

Eva: Adam and Eva, get it?

small Great Dane: i sit cute.

Elizabeth Taylor from National Velvet: those Black Stallion tears...

Depression kids: come on mister we want some bubblegum.

Archie: three-cylinder two-seater is the perfect car...

Buster Keaton: come on, that train scene is SO played out...

Atari: WOOD, baby.

Rosa: your life won't get better until you rehire me. your life won't get back to normal until i'm your maid again.

penguins on Antarctica: hey, don't tariff our Red Bull.

turtles: we're all 500 years old...

Thumbelina: there was so much Lost fanfiction written after, so many theories, it could have gone on forever in sequels and prequels.

Desmond: it did...

Desmond: i am the Constant, brother. live together, die alone...

Einstein: miracles are scientific...

McDLT: why does everything need to be cooked?...

Snowball: i'm Grumpy Cat but actually cute.

Raul De Molina: the only thing i say in English on El Gordo y La Flaca is "I dance to the music..."

Red Dwarf.

Lister: i'm not a slob, i'm a romantic.

Loungemind: without a home in Rome...

Chandler Bing: i'll be there for you.........at every port of call...

crook cookie: Richard Nixon enjoys chocolate chip his head resting relaxedly on a gentle Tetris pillow.

me: Saturday is for sleeping. Sunday is for silence. Monday is for mystics.

Lindy Lenz: Saturday is for snoozing and abusing.

Jen R: Tuesday is for tits. Saturday is for slumping...

David Byrne: everyone who's in a band has given up on life...

give it a goog: Australians Googling.

Sarah: never take for granted. it's a blessing every time you look out the window at 4 AM and my car is in the yard.

Dirg: do you like a girl? simply post all of her Instagram posts as your Instagram posts...

Thumbelina: i am Lost.

me: me too.

Thumbelina: no, i'm part of the Lost community...

Suzy Lu: so cushty means comfortable.

Julia Child: no it doesn't, you wingbat, it means full of kush. that's first day at cooking school: herbals.

Candace: you say you want more Phineas and Ferb but you won't watch the new episodes, you have no time...

Shinichiro Watanabe: i was gonna do Space Dandy Season 3...

me: how are you holding up?

Jaren: i want to die. the worst part is when people get on Instagram DM and tell me to "stay strong."

me: they have NO idea what you're going through. you're questioning the cells of God.

Jaren: all that could have been, it's too IMMENSE to ponder.

me: the worst part for me is all the Instagram memes she'll never see, we enjoyed chuckling over them to start our day. 

Jaren: hey listen you can send anything you were going to send Annie to the same Instagram DM address, i'll see them, that's kind of the same thing, right?

me: um, i guess. anything to heal you.

Jaren: it's not possible for me to heal.

i send him the one with Fred Flintstone with his legs sanded-off into stumps, no feet. 

Jaren: yes, The Flintstones in reality would be a family in a horror movie. like our family is now. i'm smiling internally.

and i send him the one where the Reebok shoe person asks Cinderella, "how do you have a shoe size that's not like anyone else's on the planet?"

i know i hear Annie's husband laughing over that one over the internet line.

so from that Monday on, Hessian Hellcat lived...