MOTHER SAUCE: ORANGE WATER

 

we're back at the pond.

Julia Child: look up at the sky. the sky is life's kitchen.

i start to cry.

me, blubbering: that cloud looks like Jen.

Julia Child THWACKS me in the face with a ladle.

Julia: in my defence, young man, a wood ladle hurts less than a spatula.

me: i'm sorry. but i'll never shake Jen.

Julia: then snort some Shake N Bake, which is cheap cocaine. i'll wait.

Julia Child: okay okay look DOWN then. see the glistening pond we're a part of?

me: glorious.

Julia: what do you see?

i hesitate to tell Julia Child that at this very moment a wee Shetland pony is gracefully galloping across the surface of the pond.

Julia: people think the water is clear. but it's actually orange water.

back in her kitchen Julia gives me a stern scolding that prepares me for life.

Julia Child: it's breakfast. two sizzling pans, pour two circles of pancake batter in each.

me: buttermilk?

Julia: wheatgerm, like you, young man, you're a germ. then turn the pancakes to the right to the left like a DJ's records.

me: what if you're not musically inclined? what if you're bookkeeping-inclined?

Julia: there are gonna be days, son, when your lunch will suck. but you still gotta eat lunch. sometimes lunch will be a pack of crisps. sometimes just the MICROSCOPIC CUBES of chicken in your soup count as your meat.  

Julia Child fixes my tie and straightens my shoulderpads.

Julia Child: there we are, cushty like a motherfucker. you have to go through with this interview to get into college, it's the only way to get BACK to freedom.

me: i'm so nervous i sweated into the soup.

Julia: that's YOUR soup, mine has CHUNKS of chicken. what's the #1 thing?

me: make the interview a tennis match.

Julia: no, grease. use your loaf. people forget this but always PULL UP YOUR PANTS JUST BEFORE any interview. otherwise you're bullpants. if you remember one thing remember this: if the college interviewer touches his zipper, run.

George Lowe: do you know why cool things like 2001 Adult Swim always seem to fade away? because people die...

Red Dwarf.

Lister: i have the perfect name, i listlessly travel through space...

sentient toaster: but you don't use Listerine, your breath stinks like a Skutter.

Kryten: come on, that's not nice, be nice like Max Headroom.

Lister: no i'm just a name on a list, an ordinary bloke on the ship's list. menial worker on the manifest. lowest rung. nothing special about me. 

Rimmer: i'm the ship's Buddhist...

 Red Dwarf theme song: it's the Sailor Moon theme song!!!

Red Dwarf Remastered: it looks worse...

Red Dwarf: low-stakes Doctor Who...

Julia Child: pastis is wine for pasta.

Claudine Pepin: what does anise taste like?

Julia: your anus. opium smoke coming out of toasted sesame seeds...

Claudine: my dad's a dolt. but he did take me to the Russian Tea Room when i was a teenager so whaddya gonna do?

Abby on Night Court (2025): wow, that was well done. and quite unexpected. they had me in a full-on glitter one-piece 1970s bodysuit with my tits hanging out dancing the John Travolta dance to seduce Jake. to get Jake back. turns out my ex-boyfriend REALLY HAD MOVED ON with a new woman. no Hollywood ending for Abby and Jake the destined perfect quirky couple meant for each other, meant to be together. the emotion i displayed on my face just there in that moment was REAL PAIN. that fucking hurt... 

Jen R: my daughter is Gen Z.

Jen's daughter: i'm Jen Z.

Ramon Valdes: the Mexican Gallagher.

Shel Silverstein: ...

Sarah Becker from The Real World: my most fervent wish is that all who are isolated find others who are isolated. i wish i had been besties with Gene Hackman's wife.

Annie Adamson: me too. Gene Hackman was the star of Superman...

Val Kilmer: i drove my buddy Michael J. Fox's car, went back in time to the Real Genius set, wore a few Aztec robes, had tiny pickles thrown at me by a thousand screaming but naked women, constructed the cyberlung on that set, and made a concerted effort never to work with Tom Cruise ever nor play volleyball accidentally...

Wil Wheaton: don't worry, man, i got your back.

Trent Reznor: thanks.

Wil: yeah Elon Musk won't touch you as long as you got a phaser in your house.

Trent: Star Trek and my music are both cyberpunk.

Bulma: well, go.

Yajirobe: i can't fly.

Epstein from Welcome Back, Kotter: man that is such a lame excuse for a doctor's note. 

Bulma: you'll fly after i fuck you, mister.

Yajirobe: i just want to be a baby daddy. i just want to change Trunks's diapers. his nappies. get baby powder all over my hands. raise Trunks into a fine young man.

Chandler Bing: the key to a fun Friendsgiving is me being alive. and potential hookups. and me asking when you're gonna get married.

Mario: but i'm not jumped-up. i earn my shroom trips.

Luigi: the green mushrooms are more a shroom high.

Mario: i'm not an upstart. i have a brick in my stomach.

Luigi: and i'm not jumped-up because i'm nice.

Trinity the cat: i make sure to sit on your leg so you can NOT turn off the lights...

pepperoni: i'm not chicken.

me: but both Baltimore blessings? 

Lindy Lenz naked at Safeway: what are the chances? what are the odds? how odd. i was supposed to be your backup Jen. your failsafe Jen. your Jen in the pocket.

Jen R: i was your wife in this life.........for two months online...

Lindy: you were his wifi wife.

Lazarus: HAPKA!!!

Mark Hapka: nah nah nah, i wouldn't sanction a synthetic drug like that, i'd be more about distributing organic avocado toast to the masses.

Pati Jinich: can avocado toast NOT be organic?

me: i'm sorry you're cold.

Loungemind: but i'm not, i'm friendly. being homeless in Rome is not glamorous. i need food, shelter, and humor, not just art.

Elton John: i'm the only person in human history who THRIVED after a suicide attempt...

Thumbelina: the Lost plane was an Olane plane...

Melissa Maker at Safeway: you hear that? "You Can't Hurry Love."

me: Hall & Oates?

Melissa: The Supremes. isn't this song telling you something? isn't this a sign? are you willing to wait for me? you must wait as the Yiddish Bible says: enochs.

college interviewer: you align with me?

me: i align with you, sir.

the college interviewer laughs like that guy in The Warriors.

college interviewer: should Autumn continue pursuing Equinox even after 25 years of futility?

me: of course, soulmates are soulmates.

Autumn: twinflames.

college interviewer: should Equinox leave his wife and children for Autumn?

me: yes.

college interviewer: that's a no-brainer. that's no good here, we cultivate brains in college. 

.........the college interviewer touches his zipper...

MOTHER SAUCE: PASTIS

 

me: SAY SOMETHING!!!!!!!!!

Julia Child: you like my PBS kitchen?

me: does it still have that window that looks out onto a Protestant farm?

Julia: no that was in the 1880s. am i your huckleberry?

me: yes.

Julia: okay then well let me show you how to make a cold Tombstone pizza, it's my shout.

me: you know Lumpy saved Star Wars. without her the Star Wars Universe would have exploded. without Lumpy there's no Skywalker commune.

Julia: oh sure. you know i knew Lumpy, she stayed with me when her hairy mother rejected her. i found her quite malleable to learning new cooking skills. she was always so empathetic towards me.

Chewbacca: because she was an empath.

Julia: unlike that crude brute Chewbacca. he wanted to fuck me at a space bar in front of the other furballs.

Chewbacca: i didn't because your voice scared me.

Julia Child: okay so you gently open the bottle of wine...

me: i never learned this technique. i'm not dexterous.

Julia: you open a bottle of wine with a butter knife. takes 13 years. and numerology is barmy.

Rock & Rule.

computer: no one.........unless it's Omar and Angel...

Ohmtown: Ontario, right?

Melissa Maker: where Degrassi was shot...

Angel: oh i love rubbing my hands all over your David Bowie chest that's the size of a pencil.

Mok: let's go away on holiday. Fiji? Disneyland?

Lister: i hear Fiji was nice when it existed...

Don Bluth: Walt Disney banned me from Disneyland for life for wearing Fievel Ears to the park...

Ralph Bakshi: Fievel Mousekewitz was MY creation, my character. i mean come on, i'm the Russian-Jewish 1910s guy, right?!!!

Omar: like our Mamas & Papas folk band? benefit concert, we're raising funds for daycare, i'm trying to get Angel into a baby trap...

Mok: and now i perform the Apple 1984 commercial on my moog Vaporwave synthesizer washboard while wearing this rad Geordi La Forge visor, backwards purple cap, and skateboard shorts. it runs on mood...

Angel: damn, i didn't know my tits were this bouncy. all it takes is one Princess Leia dress...

Mok: Angel was supposed to turn into a guitar, and i play her, i was supposed to be half-guitar/half-woman, it would have been so erotic... 

Fat One: i wanted to say bastard.

Iggy Pop: never eat a roast beef sandwich that's been on the dashboard of a car. that thing's been there since my father left the family.

Iggy Pop's father: they call me Pop...

Walt Disney: this movie is just the movie of a dark ride...

Curly Stooge: Moe, i died for love.

Moe: The Three Stooges are love, not evil.

Curly: don't replace me with Shemp, that's like spitting on my grave.

Angel: hey, not the butt.

Mok: i was killed by a star...

Nelvana: want the original print of this film? with the fire stains? don't worry, it won't be a bootleg from your uncle's carwash giftshop. send $80 in unmarked bills to Canada in a SASE.

Gen Z: SASE scares us. what's an address? what's a stamp? what's an envelope? what is the self?

 

Heart: how do i get thee alone...

to dream the impossible dream

to live the impossible live

to wade in what's rainbows and sunshine...

Care Bears: it's essentially pillows and sunshine.

to art the unblinkable arc

Richard Nixon: i am not a crook. what i am, however, is a Tetris pillow...

Clarissa Molina: we call it the Clarissa Crook in Mexico and Miami.

Julia Child: Mocha Mix is comfort food. one lump or two?

me: of sugar?

Julia: the number of sugar lumps corresponds to the number of lumps on your head from your corndog concussion.

Ingmar Bergman: all my films end in a cornfield...

the nuns: we taught you cursive. and how to curse.

me: but where is Hell in Lost?

Thumbelina: Hell is not being with the people you need to be with.

Anthony Bourdain: be happy. seek happy. even for one moment.

Blanche on The Golden Girls: i hang a fern above my bed instead of a mirror...

Sylux: i shot myself out of my own arm-cannon as a kid, my parents encouraged me to be the youngest Human Rocket in circus history...

Shelley Duvall: damn, and i was gonna play Cher in the Lifetime movie, too...

Jules Smith: banana bread for dinner. that's the college way.

Julia Child: you mean university.

me: i'll be waiting on my roof in Carmel for Jules Smith to take me to Britain...

Red Dwarf.

Lister: everybody who ever lived on Earth wanted to be me, my life has NO STRESS...

Camus: Hell is being locked forever in a room with your friends?

Sartre: because a love triangle would take over...

Triscuit: proudly baked in the USA...

Cecily Strong: ...

world peace: determined by if a couple of men are friends with each other...

Wikipedia: look in the BACK for the best pics...

Popeye: i am not naming my daughter Sailor...

Leslie Sbrocco: the first episode of Check Please Bay Area you ever watched was the one with the freckled bowler...

Bulma: i got with Vegeta because i couldn't have Goku. i had to know what a Saiyan tasted like.

Vegeta: i feel lower than Yamcha.

Samuel Beckett: i was a professional dancer as an old man. i invented the Lindy Hop but no one found out about this because i stayed in my house.

Wells Fargo: the bank parking lot takes on a European street-faire look when you get your money: one giant umbrella nutty cobblestone canopy tree, thoroughfares in a bowl, rainswept sewers the size of the Roman Coliseum you can roam around in away from traffic.

Tony Hawk: is this circus sewer cement? it's in the shape of a perfect fullpipe. the money comes out as perfumed $20 bills, scented cash.

street signal: it's on to cross...

Melissa Maker: see that Q-tip lodged into the sidewalk?

me: so Episode 4 of Red Dwarf tonight.

Melissa: is that supposed to mean something? seeing a Jewish comedian tonight, we all need a laugh.

Lister: if you've made it to Episode 4 of a show, that show has got you.

Paul: there you go, this new toilet i bolted to the side of your bathroom should last you until the end of your natural life.

mom: ...

Bill Cosby: the nosewipe endzone celebration in the NFL would have been cool if not for the gang thing...

Cory Booker on the floor of the Senate: i'm just saying what we're all thinking... 

Capp: why is it always a chore to eat dinner?

Julia Child: take the back of your fork and fluff the spaghetti like rice. spaghetti is long rice after all.

Julia Child: ready for the heist tonight?

me: you mean at 4 PM? why are you dressed in your duck pajamas?

Julia: it's already dinner.

me: your sleeping mask is SO cute. with the chef hat on it.

Julia: thanks, i'll be wearing this sleeping mask on the heist. have you noticed that you can't get concentrated Tabasco sauce anymore?

me: those TINY Tabasco bottles.

Julia: yeah, young man, only IHOP has them, you can only get the BIG bottle of Tabasco at Safeway, which is just water with red food coloring. tonight we take back the GOOD Tabasco sauce. when they look at my tits they'll just think they're pancakes, perfect hiding place. we wait till dark, 4 PM, and take back the pepper for the people!!! they got bloody nothing on us!!!