Monday, May 21, 2018


1. if you had a whole week (no work, no kids) to do things with your significant other, what would you do? make babies. life isn't about work, it's about kids................before it's too late for me.......and it's funny cos this is Hell Week when all of the tv shows have their season finales and I have to write ALL the reviews of ALL said shows cos the last shows of the season are always the most important ones, the harbingers of things to come...

2. what is your idea of a long-term relationship? at least more than 3 months. you have to have had survived your first real fight, not a cute joke fight. you have to have had smelled the other's fart in your face, that's how you know. thanks, Linda Belcher. speaking of shows last night. now when it comes to long-distance relationships all bets are off. distance is not the same as time. time doesn't exist, distance does. like when you finally fuck after a long long-distance relationship, one day in such a relationship is so compressed it actually equals one year in a touching relationship which means you will birth quadruplets.

3. what is a healthy relationship? both partners doing the lemonade diet. (you'll feel healthy for a while, but sometime during the long boring stretches of summer both of you will simultaneously be hit by a bolt from the blue from your blue childhoods. you'll both realize none of you ever had their own lemonade stand growing up as a kid and you'll collapse and cry into each others' arms. this will bring you ever closer. shared trauma can sometimes be a kind of sexless salve.)

4. how did you meet your current (or last) lover? (will she be my last one? my last chance at love?) blogging

5. what is the first thing you do after having sex? blog about it

blogging to me is like masturbation: i don't want to do it anymore but i can't stop............

bonus: do you have any bad habits that you hide from your significant other? you can tell us...or not:

yes, please tell us, that's what makes TMIT fun..........oh, you were talking to me. i hide the darkest of secrets from my SO, for fear she'd leave me if she ever found out. i take a page out of the Three's Company playbook and only tell Mr. Furley and the Ropers. landlords are sworn by secrecy never to gossip, it's in their code. more importantly it's in their contract.

truth is: my name is Hugh Grant. i'm a grumpy dry Londoner who never wanted to be an actor. i just kind of fell into the profession by accident, i was hoping it was a phase i'd get outta my system and be done with the thing after ten years. flush it. i never answer questions about my personal life in interviews, i'm the classic dead bat........................................and for some reason i never married Elizabeth Hurley which is quite strange...i must have an aversion to marriage in my background, my parents must have divorced............i probably should have ended up with Emma Thompson, she seems the perfect match for me. but Knave Ken got to her first. i wouldn't have done her dirty the way Ken did, giving her clinical depression and all that, that's serious stuff.

this was significantly less writing than last week...bless



Jules said...

Sexless Salve - Name of my next band. Instead of tambourines and Triangles, lemonade bottles will be used for musical notes with bubbles. *)

the late phoenix said...

i'm your Sexless Salve Slave

(slash cabana boy)

can we go to college together next time?


Jules said...

Yes! *)